Not wanting to do childcare for another GC - VERY SAD UPDATE, PLEASE READ THREAD BEFORE RESPONDING (Title edited by MNHQ)

[ReluctantGrandma]

NC for obvious reasons.

i have looked after GD since she was 6 months old. Childcare is very expensive where we live so I always agreed to do one day a week when DIL went back to work. At that stage I worked four days a week so that was my day off, I have since retired due to poor health (I’m 63 now) so when I was asked if I could possibly do an extra day (DIL originally went back 4 days but wanted to go full time) I said yes. I love the relationship I have with GD and she is lots of fun, but she gets dropped off at 6.30am and collected at 6pm and I have found it increasingly tiring. My health is not great and I am knackered by the end of the day.

She starts school next year and I was looking forward to doing some school drop offs/pick ups where I would still spend time with her but not have the long days. DS and DIL always said they were “one and done” for a number of reasons which I completely got (and even if I didn’t it was their choice and none of my business). They have just announced that they are expecting a second child due beginning of July. Wonderful, BUT, they are now talking about which days I can do once DIL goes back to work in January 2026. It doesn’t appear to have occurred to either of them that my doing 2 days a week with the new baby on top of school drop offs/pick ups is anything other than a given, more of a “do you still want to do Monday and Wednesday or would you prefer Monday and Friday”. I usually have no issue in standing my ground and saying no to things I don’t want to do but I know that they are screwed if they have to pay for full time child care so would feel like the work’s worst grandma if I say no. DH still works FT but tries to come home early to help when he can. How on earth can we say no? Ironically I spent my working life as a therapist encouraging open communication in families but now it has come to my own I don’t feel able to put any of my strategies into practice.

My mum has done a lot of childcare with my DS. We will probably have another in a couple of years. If she said she couldn’t/didn’t want to do any childcare with the second, I would completely understand and wouldn’t begrudge her at all. I’m just grateful she’s been able to help out with the first. I love my mum, she’s my best friend and I’d always want her to put herself and her wellbeing first. It’s easy to forget/ignore your parents getting older because it’s a scary path to start thinking too much on. Talk to your daughter, I can almost guarantee that she would want you to put your health first and just hasn’t thought about you getting older/your energy levels

It sounds as though you have been exceptionally generous here.

You are right, it is a case of biting the bullet mad drawing the line (time wise and financially re childcare) here and now - not only for your health but for the future GC you may well have with your other children as that could really breed resentment

I completely understand I work part time and I do one school pick up a week for my 3 older grandchildren . From next year I will have my new granddaughter 1 day a week (she will be one) but they know that’s it I’m not doing anymore .You just need to talk to them as we’re getting older it dos take its toll .you shouldn’t be expected to do all this just be honest

My MIL looked after my eldest 2 days a week for a couple of years, and then my second 1 day a week (she never did both at the same time as eldest was in full time nursery). I had short mat leaves both times so she was looking after them as babies from 5 and 6 months old which she loved!

During Covid I was put on furlough and had the kids at home with me so she stopped looking after my second baby. Once I went back to work I could see that my MIL was more tired than before, and so my husband and I decided that we would only ask her to help with ad hoc childcare when absolutely necessary. We didn't ask her to do regular childcare anymore, and we didn't even put the option to her because we knew if we asked or mentioned it she would have said yes or offered out of a desire to help us even to her own detriment. That's the type of person she is and we didn't want to take advantage of her nature.

I know we made the right call because she hasn't offered to do regular childcare since (which she had begged to do when my eldest was born), and she still speaks so fondly of the 3 years she spent doing regular childcare for my eldest and then our second. I'm glad that we haven't tainted fond memories of helping us out during those early years by imposing on her until she got burnt out from it.

Since your daughter is not picking up on your cues about how you feel about regular childcare, you will have to have a gentle chat with her and let her know what you are capable of offering. Could you maybe help out financially with paying for one of the nursery days if that's affordable to you? She will likely be grateful for all the help you've already provided - it's a shame she and her partner just assumed you'd be happy to continue. The conversation just needs to happen - neither of you are in the wrong you just haven't communicated your needs to her.

Unlike when they had their first, there is now 30th a funding available from 9 months (or will be by the time she goes back to work) which should offset the additional cost of childcare for the 2 days. Unfortunately they are the parents and should not have factored you into their plans without checking in. My parents help 1 day per week but I can definitely tell the difference from them helping. Won’t my eldest age 58 to helping with my youngest age 65. They now just do school hours for 1 day and I work school hours to pick the others up. Maybe you could suggest 1 x school length day?

You are absolutely not the world's world granny if you can't do another 5 years of childcare! They'll have their granny longer if she looks after her own health rather than prioritising other people. There is absolutely no obligation on you to provide childcare and the fact you've taken early retirement due to ill health and then they expect you to do 12 hour days of childcare twice a week suggests to me that they are somewhat taking the piss. You need to talk to them ASAP and explain your concerns, maybe come to an arrangement of part time childcare if you feel you could manage it but definitely make it clear you can't continue like you have been doing.

You've really made a rod for your own back here.

Time to sit down with your son and DIL and tell them how it's going to be in the future. Then it's up to them to sort out what they need, and indeed to pay for it if paid childcare is required.

Best to get it over with asap, as you won't be able to relax until it's done.

ReluctantGrandma
you have been very generous with your time and money.

How do people like us with no parents at cope?? Nurseries /childminders are there for a reason. Just say nope you can't cope

So you have already done so much for them, and were under the belief this care was for one child. They've announced a second, without even asking if you're happy to carry on with the childcare full stop, let alone for a second child?

They are cheeky, and entitled, and you need to be straight with them ASAP so they can plan and manage their finances accordingly.

Don't worry about them not being able to afford it, that's not your problem, and you've already essentially handed over thousands by offering free childcare (and 6-6 days are crazy to expect from someone imo).

You will soon find out based on their reaction whether they care about you for you, and care about your health, wellbeing and happiness, or whether they see you as a free nursery worker that can't say no.

Oh also perhaps they haven't factored in they'll get the funded hours now from when the baby is 9 months old? So that's 15 hours there that they'll be able to claim which they wouldn't have been able to do with the first until they were 3. So that will definitely help. You sound like a lovely grandma.

My Mum did 3 days a week childcare for her first grandchild, Monday, Wednesday, Friday so she got a break between but my Dad was also retired so she had an extra pair of hands. My Dad was hands on with us when we were children.

When her second grandchild was born 4 years later she couldn't do the 3 days but did two instead. Both of these children were my sister's, she totally understood my Mum being older and my Mum told her pretty soon after her pregnancy announcement giving her time to think through finances.

I lived over an hour away and was a sahm so didn't need childcare.

Remind them about your ill health and retiring due to it as you couldn’t manage anymore. I imagine looking after babies is more onerous and exhausting than your job. Tell them you’d love to look after baby but your body isn’t up to it anymore

Why not get your son and dil to drop dd at nursery first thing and then you pick gd up at midday.

I think the issue your DS and dil have is that no nursery I have ever heard of opens at 6.30am which makes them dropping dgd off at 6.30am quite unreasonable

What do they do the other days of the week?

OP can I just say you sound amazing and incredibly supportive.

Not a woes me moment but me and my children's dad have had none of the support you mention, you do just manage in any way you can.

They get hours from a younger age now too which will help to a degree.

I think an honest conversation about what you realistically can/want to offer but the last thing you want to do is commit to an arrangement that you don't feel you are up for.

I think OP you will find you love being a grandma even more when it doesn't come with strings attached. Normally being a grandparent means spending time with grandkids, enjoying them, spoiling them, taking them to nice things if you're able to, etc. which is truly a lovely relationship when you don't have the added pressure of actually providing proper childcare to them. Loads of families operate in this way. There will probably be less resentment and unspoken expectations all around, and you will get some time and energy back to spend as you wish. You deserve to enjoy your life too, you don't exist just to raise a child you didn't choose to have.

You pay their childcare for the days you can't do it even though you're doing it for free. Gosh OP, that's really pushing it in my opinion, I wouldn't dream of my parents doing that

You will be another year older by the time she finishes maternity leave.

You gave up your days off, having stopped work due to health you took on 12 hour days of really hard work… they are being cheeky at best making presumptions that you will do this for another, what, 4, 5 years til the new baby goes to school?

I imagine they are wrapped up in excitement, so you just need to get them to turn 90’ and see this from your perspective.

I would be factual and straightforward about it rather than apologetic and hand wringing. As in ‘this is an objective fact we all need to consider, I am not as robust as I was and am getting tireder. I will be another year older… there needs to be a different plan”

Because it is a fact. If this was a business meeting (and project managing childcare is just like working in a work team) you would lay out what is and what is not possible and what you can and cannot offer based on the resources available. And no one would take it personally.

Your time, energy and health are the resources.

12 hours days. Blimey! We've had no child care ever! You have definitely done your bit.

People who keep having children when they can't afford childcare are ridiculous - so entitled. Just say no, OP. They will have to make other arrangements.

I cannot believe that you pay for their childcare when you go on holiday.
And they let you.
Extraordinary.

Please be honest with them and do it quickly.

A very firm no. They shouldn't even be expecting that of you, especially without asking and when they said they wouldn't be having another.

Why can't the school child go to breakfast club and afterschool club and you do one day a week if you feel up to it? The baby can go to nursery

It's very generous of you to pay for childcare but I don't understand why you're doing that when you're away on holiday? That has to stop.

I'd be putting my foot down so hard I'd get splinters.

FWIW- my parents live abroad and they will not even look after my children for 2 hours when we visit them (or they visit us) so DH and I can go and have a quiet dinner just the two of us. My dad just says 'I did my child rearing, it's your job now'.

We have literally never had childcare of any sort that we did not have to pay for and outsource, and it has meant we have had to make big changes. DH retired early for example because one of ours had medical needs. I went part time and now only do freelance work (but they are both older now- 14 and 12 and it's easier).

I would make it very clear to them. They have had it lucky. Very very lucky.