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Original poster

Not wanting to do childcare for another GC - VERY SAD UPDATE, PLEASE READ THREAD BEFORE RESPONDING (Title edited by MNHQ)

274 replies

ReluctantGrandma · 18/12/2024 08:07

NC for obvious reasons.

i have looked after GD since she was 6 months old. Childcare is very expensive where we live so I always agreed to do one day a week when DIL went back to work. At that stage I worked four days a week so that was my day off, I have since retired due to poor health (I’m 63 now) so when I was asked if I could possibly do an extra day (DIL originally went back 4 days but wanted to go full time) I said yes. I love the relationship I have with GD and she is lots of fun, but she gets dropped off at 6.30am and collected at 6pm and I have found it increasingly tiring. My health is not great and I am knackered by the end of the day.

She starts school next year and I was looking forward to doing some school drop offs/pick ups where I would still spend time with her but not have the long days. DS and DIL always said they were “one and done” for a number of reasons which I completely got (and even if I didn’t it was their choice and none of my business). They have just announced that they are expecting a second child due beginning of July. Wonderful, BUT, they are now talking about which days I can do once DIL goes back to work in January 2026. It doesn’t appear to have occurred to either of them that my doing 2 days a week with the new baby on top of school drop offs/pick ups is anything other than a given, more of a “do you still want to do Monday and Wednesday or would you prefer Monday and Friday”. I usually have no issue in standing my ground and saying no to things I don’t want to do but I know that they are screwed if they have to pay for full time child care so would feel like the work’s worst grandma if I say no. DH still works FT but tries to come home early to help when he can. How on earth can we say no? Ironically I spent my working life as a therapist encouraging open communication in families but now it has come to my own I don’t feel able to put any of my strategies into practice.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 18/12/2024 08:36

I think you need to remove from your thought process any idea of guilt.

Anything at all that you do is lovely of you and they should be grateful.

You already have done loads.

The fact that you feel guilty means that this has moved from being kind enough to help out to an expectation for all of you.

Work out precisely what you want to do.

Offer them that and make sure they understand they should be grateful for anything.

Gcsunnyside23 · 18/12/2024 08:36

How did you end up with extra days when you had to quit work for medical reasons? That was cheeky f*cker behaviour on your family's part. Sit and
Have a think on what childcare you would like to offer even if it's none and then have that conversation. It's even worse they didn't even ask but just assumed you'd do it all again

brummumma · 18/12/2024 08:39

Danikm151 · 18/12/2024 08:34

Childcare funding starts a lot earlier now so their childcare bill will be lower.
There’s also wraparound care available for school.

This is a bit untrue. If you use nurseries most have put their rates up so parents barely see the benefit of the funded hours

Childminders however are passing the savings on but not all areas have enough childminders for the demand and they aren't always as flexible

AttachmentFTW · 18/12/2024 08:43

You absolutely do not need to feel obliged. It's their child, their responsibility. Not yours. But you cognitively know this, it's just those emotional family ties getting in the way of feeling it.

You have been very good to them but you are not in a position to carry on. Also, they will be entitled to 30 hours free from when the baby is 9 months old. I know there are different costs attached to that, it's not completely free per se, but it is much cheaper than full time childcare. They will manage, they will have to. Sounds like you need to spend more time looking after yourself and your health.

CrispyCrumpets · 18/12/2024 08:44

Just be honest and say looking after a baby is too much for you now due to your health issues and how exhausted you have been finding childcare. They will have to pay for childcare like everyone else. If they would be so screwed without you, they should have asked you about this before they tried for number 2. It's not your responsibility!

WhimsicalGubbins76 · 18/12/2024 08:45

Op, I completely understand your turmoil (a close family member is in the same boat, and she’s really struggling with two) but they are taking advantage.

The fact is, what you’re doing for them is a favour-you’re not the hired help so it should never be taken as guaranteed childcare. They should never have conceived another child if they don’t have the ability to pay for full time childcare in the event of you not being able to help out.

Stand your ground op. Your health is the most important issue here. Small children and babies are incredibly draining and you need to put yourself first. You’re a grandparent, not childcare

TheForestCalls · 18/12/2024 08:46

You just explain that you're a bit older now and have new health issues, so won't be able to take care of the little one coming. You'll really be starting over. I take it they didn't ask you if you were willing before they conceived this baby, so you don't owe them anything in relation to care. Tell them you are happy to take care of dgd after school a day or two but aren't able to do the full days with a little one anymore. Do it sooner rather than later, so they have time to make arrangements.

Ohthatsabitshit · 18/12/2024 08:46

Just tell them as quickly as possible.

CyranoDeBergerQuack · 18/12/2024 08:46

ReluctantGrandma · 18/12/2024 08:07

NC for obvious reasons.

i have looked after GD since she was 6 months old. Childcare is very expensive where we live so I always agreed to do one day a week when DIL went back to work. At that stage I worked four days a week so that was my day off, I have since retired due to poor health (I’m 63 now) so when I was asked if I could possibly do an extra day (DIL originally went back 4 days but wanted to go full time) I said yes. I love the relationship I have with GD and she is lots of fun, but she gets dropped off at 6.30am and collected at 6pm and I have found it increasingly tiring. My health is not great and I am knackered by the end of the day.

She starts school next year and I was looking forward to doing some school drop offs/pick ups where I would still spend time with her but not have the long days. DS and DIL always said they were “one and done” for a number of reasons which I completely got (and even if I didn’t it was their choice and none of my business). They have just announced that they are expecting a second child due beginning of July. Wonderful, BUT, they are now talking about which days I can do once DIL goes back to work in January 2026. It doesn’t appear to have occurred to either of them that my doing 2 days a week with the new baby on top of school drop offs/pick ups is anything other than a given, more of a “do you still want to do Monday and Wednesday or would you prefer Monday and Friday”. I usually have no issue in standing my ground and saying no to things I don’t want to do but I know that they are screwed if they have to pay for full time child care so would feel like the work’s worst grandma if I say no. DH still works FT but tries to come home early to help when he can. How on earth can we say no? Ironically I spent my working life as a therapist encouraging open communication in families but now it has come to my own I don’t feel able to put any of my strategies into practice.

Their choice to have a second. They should have considered finances, not expect you to essentially fund their lifestyle.
They are both selfish. Please use your communication skill to tell them they need to find alternative care or have a termination if unaffordable.

Member984815 · 18/12/2024 08:46

Make it clear now , so they can arrange childcare . Sil and dB never wanted to put their kids in childcare and wanted everyone to rally and do childcare which was not discussed until sil went back to work. but it just isn't sustainable and ends up causing bad feelings on both sides. Sil had me on a timetable before I even said I'd do it which I felt pressured into.

JustMyView13 · 18/12/2024 08:48

Rather than doing the full day, because that is a huge commitment. Could a compromise be to do 2 afternoons. They’ll still make savings on childcare and you’ll have much more energy to spend quality time with GC. Either way, you do need to have an honest conversation with them, because they can plan maternity / paternity leave and pay accordingly.

CyranoDeBergerQuack · 18/12/2024 08:49

Youcancallmeirrelevant · 18/12/2024 08:22

My mum does childcare for me but never full days. The children always go to nursery in the morning session then my mum picks them up at lunchtime and has them for the afternoon, and now she does the school pick up as well on the same days.

You could suggest something similar if you want as then it won't take up your whole day but still means you can create that relationship with your next GC.

But if you don't want to then say it. Going back to the baby stage after this many years is tough for everyone. You should only have the grandchildren when you want, yes you are doing them a favour, but it is also about what you want

So she has them every afternoon? And a pick up?
So, she is tied and you are ok with this?

Aberentian · 18/12/2024 08:50

They have more of their lives left to mess about in and work things out. Perhaps your health is as good now as it will ever be, OP, I don't know, but this time should be precious to you. You don't have fifty years left to be "selfish" in and put yourself first so do it now.

bigkidatheart · 18/12/2024 08:51

You are going to be almost 65 by then, with a 4 yr old and a baby.

I know you are fully capable of looking after your grandchildren, I would maybe say for the your health and the safety of a young baby, you are not able to help out full days, you could maybe do a few hours.

My GC are 2 & 3, have them 1 day a week and i'm absolutely knackered when they go home and I am only 47, I couldn't physically do more and there is another baby on the way - it's all well and good when baby just sleeps and eats but once they are on the move it's a whole different ball game

LolaB00 · 18/12/2024 08:51

GRex · 18/12/2024 08:12

You explain that'll be too much for you. Suggest the baby goes to nursery in the morning. You can agree to do drop-offs, then collect baby 1pm and put down for a nap, up for school run and play with both until 6pm home.

Do not do this

You KNOW what to say, as it is your job! Tell them now so they have time to plan childcare

AngelinaFibres · 18/12/2024 08:51

I look after oldest grandson ( 3 in March)1 day a week and his brother ( 1 in January) will join us every Monday after Christmas when DIL goes back to work. I'm 59 and very healthy at the moment. They come from 7.15 to 5.15. I love it. Its hard work though and I definitely wouldn't want to do it for 2 days a week every week. We are retired and my husband is there in the afternoon. My mum (85) comes in the afternoon and has great- granny time with one, or both if it's a 2 child day. It would be much harder on my own. I take my hat off to you Op. That's a hugely long day.You need to say you can't do it sooner rather than later. They can have a strop and them make alternative plans.

Aberentian · 18/12/2024 08:52

Member984815 · 18/12/2024 08:46

Make it clear now , so they can arrange childcare . Sil and dB never wanted to put their kids in childcare and wanted everyone to rally and do childcare which was not discussed until sil went back to work. but it just isn't sustainable and ends up causing bad feelings on both sides. Sil had me on a timetable before I even said I'd do it which I felt pressured into.

Unbelievable, can you even imagine being this entitled?

BobTheBobcatsBob · 18/12/2024 08:53

Have you told them before how tiring you find the 12 hour days? Because I find it surprising and fairly shocking that if they know about this that they would then assume you'd be happy to do even more for them. I also find it surprising that it didn't occur to them that you'd find it harder looking after small children as you get older. Or maybe they just don't care. Anyway, I agree with everyone else...you need to tell them how tiring you find it looking after one, and that you're not going to manage looking after a toddler again plus the older child.

Aberentian · 18/12/2024 08:53

GRex · 18/12/2024 08:12

You explain that'll be too much for you. Suggest the baby goes to nursery in the morning. You can agree to do drop-offs, then collect baby 1pm and put down for a nap, up for school run and play with both until 6pm home.

Why on earth would she do that, how will faffing about like that be any less exhausting than just doing the day?

PantherchameleonsocksforChristmas · 18/12/2024 08:54

Wow, I'd never assume childcare from family. I wasn't planning to go back to work after my first, but after my mum and another family offered to do a day or 2 each, I took them up on the offer (and I insist on paying them something too, no way I'd let them do it for free, especially considering my mum has other GC that aren't mine!). Now I'm pregnant with a second, I'm trying to work out a way I could possibly return to work, but I'm not even considering family help this time - which is difficult, especially because weekend work is involved (my partner and I work at the same place so we'll have to try to work this out!) But if I can't return without family help, I just won't return.

You need to say it how it is. You aren't letting anyone down. They are rude to assume and use you like this, quite honestly.

AllTheNaps · 18/12/2024 08:54

They have been very presumptuous in this.

My dad has looked after my children a day a week since returning to work. 8-4ish which is long enough. I am going back to work soon as he'll have the smallest one but subsequently the middle one will go to nursery for an extra morning as I completely appreciate it's a LOT. He has no health issues, I just really appreciate the help we get

Thistooshallpass. · 18/12/2024 08:56

Their child their responsibility- I'm always amazed at how people have children and then rely on others to provide free childcare.
All those saying can you manage one day ? An afternoon ? You do not need to manage anything .
Kindly explain that you are giving much advance notice that you will not be able to commit to providing childcare .

GeminiGiggles · 18/12/2024 08:56

Just say that you love them all and will love the new addition too but unfortunately it's too taxing on you to take on a large commitment like that.

If you are willing and able you could add you're happy to do some babysitting duties and stipulate what that would look like (ie school pick ups one afternoon a week or an overnight once a month - whatever you want to offer if you want to offer) or some contribution to costs.

Whatever you decide to offer or not you need to set the expectations now so they can plan accordingly and prevent any ambiguity or misunderstanding down the line.

1apenny2apenny · 18/12/2024 08:56

When are you planning to stop work and when does your DH retire? At some point surely you'll want stop even the school stuff, what are they going to do in the holidays? It's better for the children that they get sorted now, especially the eldest one as it's important keep a good routine with a new sibling.

Decide what you want to do and tell them. Perhaps you would feel more comfortable with a tapered plan ie reducing childcare down so you can present it as giving them a lot of time to sort something else.

I would also point out that your help enabling your DS to work not just your DIL, parenting should be shared as much as possible and he is equally responsible for childcare.

mummytrex · 18/12/2024 08:57

Yanbu at all. @Nolegusta's response is great.

I'm in a similsr position (nd due in new year), I've just assumed parents won't be able to help at all as they're older now and am making arrangements for when I go face to work. I'd NEVER just expect them to step in. Your son and DIL are being bloody cheeky.