Not wanting to do childcare for another GC - VERY SAD UPDATE, PLEASE READ THREAD BEFORE RESPONDING (Title edited by MNHQ)

[ReluctantGrandma]

NC for obvious reasons.

i have looked after GD since she was 6 months old. Childcare is very expensive where we live so I always agreed to do one day a week when DIL went back to work. At that stage I worked four days a week so that was my day off, I have since retired due to poor health (I’m 63 now) so when I was asked if I could possibly do an extra day (DIL originally went back 4 days but wanted to go full time) I said yes. I love the relationship I have with GD and she is lots of fun, but she gets dropped off at 6.30am and collected at 6pm and I have found it increasingly tiring. My health is not great and I am knackered by the end of the day.

She starts school next year and I was looking forward to doing some school drop offs/pick ups where I would still spend time with her but not have the long days. DS and DIL always said they were “one and done” for a number of reasons which I completely got (and even if I didn’t it was their choice and none of my business). They have just announced that they are expecting a second child due beginning of July. Wonderful, BUT, they are now talking about which days I can do once DIL goes back to work in January 2026. It doesn’t appear to have occurred to either of them that my doing 2 days a week with the new baby on top of school drop offs/pick ups is anything other than a given, more of a “do you still want to do Monday and Wednesday or would you prefer Monday and Friday”. I usually have no issue in standing my ground and saying no to things I don’t want to do but I know that they are screwed if they have to pay for full time child care so would feel like the work’s worst grandma if I say no. DH still works FT but tries to come home early to help when he can. How on earth can we say no? Ironically I spent my working life as a therapist encouraging open communication in families but now it has come to my own I don’t feel able to put any of my strategies into practice.

You will be giving plenty of notice, you thought they were one and done so just say that. And I think the phrasing of the question is very purposeful, will you want to do X or Y, rather than asking whether you want to do it at all.

Only offer what you actually want and are able to do.

Just say no

I wouldn’t want someone who felt too old & tired to look after my child for my child’s safety apart from anything else.

That covers it. And keep saying it.

Her and husband have plenty of notice to arrange compressed hours or to drop a day completely. Unless they're both on minimum wage?

You need to be very honest with them now what you feel you can do. Any help at all should be gratefully received. 6.30-6 is hardcore. My parents used to do similar for me but there was two of them and only one day a week which was more than enough for them!

You’re under no obligation to but if you are not short of money could you offer to cover one or two days of childcare if money is the issue? My lovely DM lives at the other end of the country and offered to pay for one day of DC2’s childcare. We didn’t ask her this and it was a complete suprise but she said as she couldn’t be there to help in person she’d like to help ease the financial strain. Just a thought though.

Do they even enjoy having children?

12 hours days 4 days a week and they wanted 5? And she's going back at 6 months. What's the point?

They sound insanely selfish to have not thought about you at all as well.

One of them can do the school run- whoevers taking maternity/ paternity leave. You can have a year off childcare and just have you GD when you actually want to.

When my aunt had her third child, my granny who virtually brought all of us up simply said "this is too much for me. I am tired". And that was the end of that, really. If you have a loving family, they will understand. But you do need to tell them now so that they can plan their finances properly.

From your title I thought it'd be another grandchild from a different child of yours, so there'd be potential drama between them over it being 'fair' (not that that affects your right to say no). But it's a family who have already benefitted from hundreds, maybe thousands of hours of free childcare from you. I'd say a blanket 'no I need to stop childcare from the end of next year due to age and health'. Then they have plenty of time to get used to the idea and anything you can provide is a bonus.

You need to spell it out. You’re older now, not in the best of health, and you get a lot more tired.

I did a day a week for Gdd1 (I was 67 when she arrived) but when Gds arrived only 15 months later, I knew two of them would be too much, and said so. We did help with childcare costs, but I know we were lucky to be able to do so.

IMO younger parents often don’t realise how much more tiring very young children are when you’re getting on a bit.

A cautionary tale - when Gds was just a few months old he was admitted to hospital, in the ICU, for a week. So I (entirely willingly) looked after the elder during the day for a week, so that dd could be with the baby. Gdd1 was a very good little girl, but I still felt like a wet rag at the end of the week, and promptly succumbed to a really stinking cold - followed almost immediately by shingles!

I’m still quite sure that exhaustion was a major factor in lowering my immunity.

I'd just go with the honest and straight forward approach. No need for excuses and apologies, just tell them that you have been finding the childcare obligations a lot for a while, and were looking forward to school so you could drop them to a degree. Now you just don't feel able to commit to taking care of another baby. They were bloody cheeky to just assume. The occasional babysit, absolutely. This is entirely different.

Just say you are sorry but you were anticipating only doing after school care so won't be able to care for a new baby. Absolutely don't be guilt tripped into it. And as for offering to subsidise nursery fees. What planet are some folk on. You need to let them know right away and very firmly. It's a done deal.

My DM did our childcare (as a paid childminder) but she made very clear that after 2 she was done and would not do a 3rd. That was fine by me, I understood. Your son and DIL have no business being resentful and you are entitled to say you can do school pick up and afternoons 2 days a week but no more.

I would also knock the 6.30am on the head. They are taking the piss there

If she's due on July, then one of them can be off until at least July 2026. Which gives them 18months to sort out a plan. That's also 18momths where you potentially slow down even more health wise. It's a lot of notice and you should just be upfront and honest. You've saved them tens of thousands of pounds already.

I certainly wouldn't be agreeing to morning nursery and then you get the crappy afternoon shift either.

You need to sit down and talk with both your son and your DIL.
Not by text, not by phone but in person.

Acknowledging the Joy and Challenges
"I want you to know how much I love spending time with [Grandchild] and how much I’ve cherished these days with her. It’s been such a joy to be a part of her life in this way, and I’m so excited for the new baby and to be a grandparent again."
Setting Boundaries Kindly but Firmly
"At the same time, I need to be honest with both of you. My health isn’t what it used to be, and taking care of a baby for long hours twice a week would be too much for me. I’ve been feeling quite tired after my current days with [Grandchild], and I know that I won’t have the energy to handle two full days with a newborn as well as school drop-offs and pick-ups. I don’t want to commit to something I can’t sustain and risk letting you down later."
Offering an Alternative or Compromise
"That said, I still want to help in a way that works for all of us. Maybe I could help occasionally or be there for emergencies, but it would need to be in a way that doesn’t compromise my health. I’m happy to brainstorm with you about other childcare options, and I know we can figure this out together."

Why should she do 5 afternoons a week? People do have lives

Honestly, what a response. As if the OP suggesting a her son and his wife have a termination is going to help anything at all. Can you imagine what that would do to the relationship between OP and her DIL?Appalling thing to say.

OP, you know how to communicate this. How would you have helped a client to deal with a tricky situation like this?

I wonder if you have the funds to offer to pay one day of the baby's nursery? That might help them out. But of course you are under no obligation and may not be able to.

Sod that. If your daughter in law is full time did she ever have the baby / child for a full day?

Who has her the other 3 days?
What about school holidays?

I used to talk to grandmas who were in their 60's and 70's on the school run.

One I walked to school with most mornings. She told me how tired she was. Her DGD had just started school but she looked after twin baby boys and she was exhaustion. They have just had another baby too.!

6.30am to 6pm is mad. That sounds like they were taking the piss. That's you doing all three meals and snacks? If you do want to do something can the day be less overwhelming, is there someone to share half the day with or can DIL work a half day one day and you cover that?

My DM is 67 and not in great health. She has only looked after DD since she was 3.5 and she has her for an afternoon 12.30 - 5pm and one morning 07.00 - 08.00 (covers the hour before nursery opens so I can get a commuter train into London). I've always run on the assumption that DM may suddenly not be able to help. You have to. And I'm a single parent btw.

It's bonkers to be one and done and then pull this and be talking about 2026 childcare! Be firm now and things should calm down by the time it all happens.

I would be offering to do two half days a week with the baby plus school pick up and afterschool care on those days.

That is a lot of free childcare and is helping them significantly.

They should be doing all drop offs in the morning.

You’ve literally had to retire early from a (forgive me for being presumptuous) none strenuous role as a therapist and they expect you to look after 2 small children which is extremely strenuous and difficult? I think you can quite easily say no it’s too much for me to manage with my health being the way it is. I’m sorry you’ll have to find an alternative. Maybe they should ask her parents instead

They are cheeky / entitled to have assumed this

We have only one that my mother helps with, bless her.

I have always been mindful if we chose to have another / can have another, we cannot expect the same.

She may be unable or not want to. We have briefly discussed it and I fully expect we will have to pay childcare / consider my job options if not

I find it hard enough to take care of my own two at the same time. No way would I ask someone else to do it. They are very entitled.

Say no but you are happy to help out in an emergency sometimes.

Yanbu at all. I have a friend exact same age as you, she had her son very young. Her son went on to have 4 children, with a 15 year age gap between the oldest and youngest, and my friend provided childcare of some sort to all of them plus a lot of support and having the kids for weekends/over-nights.

Then the oldest GD got pregnant very young (it runs in the family!) and she was assuming her GGMum was going to do childcare for her! My friend had to clamp down VERY hard on that idea, the presumption was quite unbelievable really.

You are not being unreasonable to not want to provide additional childcare. But the only thing you can do is tell your son honestly and as soon as possible. They won't fall out with you over it because presumably they'll still want to keep you sweet for baby sitting and occasional school/nursery drop-offs.

Well actually judging by MN most sons and daughters don’t want a ‘well’ mum they want someone who is available whenever they want them and will look after their child following strict guidelines. After all the op is a wicked boomer, who has had a wonderful life and is rolling in money. (Sarcasm)
If the op refuses they will restrict access to the grandkids because they are so busy and want to concentrate on their little family.

Well that’s what I have picked up from years spent on MN; the mil is always wrong.