Not wanting to do childcare for another GC - VERY SAD UPDATE, PLEASE READ THREAD BEFORE RESPONDING (Title edited by MNHQ)

[ReluctantGrandma]

NC for obvious reasons.

i have looked after GD since she was 6 months old. Childcare is very expensive where we live so I always agreed to do one day a week when DIL went back to work. At that stage I worked four days a week so that was my day off, I have since retired due to poor health (I’m 63 now) so when I was asked if I could possibly do an extra day (DIL originally went back 4 days but wanted to go full time) I said yes. I love the relationship I have with GD and she is lots of fun, but she gets dropped off at 6.30am and collected at 6pm and I have found it increasingly tiring. My health is not great and I am knackered by the end of the day.

She starts school next year and I was looking forward to doing some school drop offs/pick ups where I would still spend time with her but not have the long days. DS and DIL always said they were “one and done” for a number of reasons which I completely got (and even if I didn’t it was their choice and none of my business). They have just announced that they are expecting a second child due beginning of July. Wonderful, BUT, they are now talking about which days I can do once DIL goes back to work in January 2026. It doesn’t appear to have occurred to either of them that my doing 2 days a week with the new baby on top of school drop offs/pick ups is anything other than a given, more of a “do you still want to do Monday and Wednesday or would you prefer Monday and Friday”. I usually have no issue in standing my ground and saying no to things I don’t want to do but I know that they are screwed if they have to pay for full time child care so would feel like the work’s worst grandma if I say no. DH still works FT but tries to come home early to help when he can. How on earth can we say no? Ironically I spent my working life as a therapist encouraging open communication in families but now it has come to my own I don’t feel able to put any of my strategies into practice.

I know that they are screwed if they have to pay for full time child care
Unless they have loads of debt or some other hidden financial troubles then you’re catastrophising. They both currently
work time and could do things like dropping to four days a week. It’s a temporary change of finances and completely manageable.

Tell them sooner rather than later so they have time to plan (and so you feel better it’s dealt with!)

I agree with previous comments, you have to say no. You are NOT the world's worst grandma or anything like it, I can't believe what you've done already...I never expected my mother to do anything for my children when mine were young, anything she offered was an 'extra'.

Decide exactly what YOU want, not what you think you "ought" to do. You may not want to do any care any more. Or you may be happy to help with pick ups/drop offs but nothing else. Discuss it with your DH so he is on side.

Then ask for a proper sit down conversation, don't leave it too late and don't "mention it in passing". Everyone needs to be quite clear. Tell your DIL you're really sorry, but you are much older now and looking after a child all day is too tiring, you have retired early on health grounds anyway and you just can't do it. You aren't getting any younger and an overtired carer is one who makes mistakes - you wouldn't be safe for a start.

It was their choice to have another child and that child is always their responsibility, not yours. Just because you've helped one doesn't mean you'll automatically help another....time passes and things change.

Say you're awfully sorry but they need to be thinking about what they'll do because they can't count on you. Explain you're telling them as soon as possible so they are clear about what you're offering (or not) and so they can make their own arrangements.

They are taking the piss to be honest, don't let them guilt you into doing what you don't want just because they're "family".

The older you get, the harder the baby and toddler care gets. You have to pick them up a lot, change them and run after them. It’s completely reasonable to say you’re no longer able to do it (and wouldn’t necessarily be safe to, if you aren’t fast enough to catch a running toddler any more).

No, it isn't. They were entitled and selfish enough to blindly get pregnant again, assuming they could carry on taking advantage of OP to save money.
Sensible people work out such things before making a decision; they knew they couldn't afford childcare for a second, they shouldn't be having it.

Completely agree. A totally bonkers idea.

This

I'm very sorry that you have health issues, but surely this is hardly unknown to them, and if they're aware how about a bit of consideration for your needs too?

I only hope that, when the full days are declined, they react with appreciation for what you've done/are doing and not resentment and whining

They are absolutely CFs to just presume you will do 2 long days a week for another child, without any consultation. I think you need to be really clear and assertive asap - I am older, I have retired due to ill health, I am unable to continue doing it for another baby.

If the baby was planned then they absolutely should have had a chat with you beforehand to find out if this was something you would consider doing. Even if it was unplanned they still should have had a chat with you before presuming anything!

You either need to say a clear no, or come up with an alternative suggestion eg baby goes to nursery in the morning, child goes to breakfast club and school, then you would be able to pick up baby from nursery at 1pm and child from school at 3pm and have them until 6. But only if that’s what you would like to do and feel able to do. Don’t feel pressured into it.

My MIL always said she didn't want us to have a 3rd.

She looked after dds once 3-5 at our house. I left a tin of soup out for their tea. Eldest is now 14.

Nothing to do with your post though 😂😂

Please use your communication skill to tell them they need to find alternative care or have a termination if unaffordable.

What an insane suggestion - obviously she should not tell her son and DIL "I won't be doing childcare so if that's a problem, have an abortion" ffs.

OP you need to figure out what you are willing to do. If it's nothing, that's totally fine. If it's one afternoon a week when you're doing a school pick up as well, that's also fine. And then let them know asap because I think it's going to cause you more stress to leave it as it stands.

The problem is that if you won’t look after yourself you won’t be available for help at all very soon. And they will have small children plus a parent needing help, it’s a very realistic prospect at your age.
You just need to tell them. Tbh I wouldn’t commit to anything at all with baby at this stage, it’s better to be available as an emergency care and give them chance to plan themselves.

I am really surprised they haven't thought about this themselves. I know my parents are now 4 years older, along with health problems in the last year or so, so I have not expected them to do what they did for my now 4 year old for my 2nd child. I had a conversation with them about how they felt about the idea of childcare, and obvs it's different as also oldest one needs taking too and from school and we discussed together what they feel they can offer and that they can change their mind if it is too much.

You need to just be honest and say you don't think you'll be able to commit to weekly childcare anymore but happy to help in emergency, as hoc baby sitting etc. Defintely to give them notice now so they can plan and book childcare spaces. They should hopefully understand.

I have RTFT but if a second child in full time care will screw them financially then why are they having a second child? Is it literally the case of you not having the baby twice per week will put them on the breadline, or will they maybe have to skip an annual holiday for a few years?

That said, it isn’t actually your problem to get involved in their finances no matter how much guilt you have or how much you do want to help. Tell them NOW that you won’t be doing any weekly childcare, maybe just a school run here or there. You can decide if you want to volunteer to be an emergency babysitter due to illness, which may lessen some of the guilt knowing Grandma will take in a sniffly baby but you have to prioritise your own health.

You just say no. My parents current have my DS 2 days a week. He will be going to school when I go back to work after my maternity leave with DD. They told me they’re tired and can’t do 2 days with DD for another 3 years until she goes to school. We discussed this early in the pregnancy, I was fine with it as I’ve had plenty of time to plan how to manage DD’s childcare. They have made the decision to have another a child and it isn’t your responsibility to shoulder the consequences of that decision as I presume you weren’t consulted!

I've been the DIL in this scenario. My MIL looked after my first child one or two days a week when I went back to work during Covid. By the time my second child was 9 months, Covid lockdowns weren't in place anymore and MIL was working part time again and generally had a busy life and wasn't able to look after DS2 on a regular basis as she had with DS1.

She was just upfront about it and it was fine. She said it to my husband first, and then she and I had a chat too just to clarify how involved she did want to be with the kids. She doesn't do any regular childcare now, but sees them a lot and babysits occasionally when it's convenient for all of us. It's totally fine and completely understandable.

The only thing I would say is that you should tell your son and DIL as soon as possible so that they can put other childcare arrangements into place. I had to scramble for a childminder with four months to go with my DS2, because until then my MIL had said she would be doing regular childcare for him.

They’re being incredibly selfish OP. Surely they should have worked out by now that if you can’t work because of health problems then you shouldn’t be running around after young children, grandchildren or not.

As others have said, you need to nip this in the bud immediately. Don’t allow them to be anything other than gracious to you for the fact that you’ve saved them thousands of pounds and sacrificed your own time. You have worked hard and deserve your retirement. Enjoy it.

You sound like a wonderful grandma. As a mum I find that's a long day, nevermind when you're older.

My mum says to me, I couldn't do what I did before (for dc1) as I'm older now. (She used to look after baby 2 hours 2 x a week. This makes sense- the situation doesn't stay the same.

Childcare is so expensive. However you can only do what you can - the responsibility doesn't sit with you. I'd explain your health isn't what it was, and say what you CAN do now. For example shorter days or drop off and collection only. Say you love spending time with them but you can't do more.

They will need to adjust and they will find a way.

It's not your responsibility. Just make it clear from now that you can't do it.

Don’t feel bad for saying no. They clearly
have not been thinking about you and your needs. It’s really too much. You’re medically retired, you should be enjoying your retirement not up at 6am to look after a toddler.They need to find an alternative solution.

I wouldn't say incredibly selfish- childcare costs thousands so I do empathise with their position - even though I agree OP should say no to any level of childcare that's too much.

Compromise is key here, say that you are struggling even with your gd being older, you can still do emergency childcare but no more, you can however help with holiday childcare as it's less tiring with an older child who can do things for themselves

Wow, dropping child off to you at 6:30am is bloody cheeky. I don't know of any nurseries or childminders that open that early.

You need to tell them now. Explain your ill health and how it will be too much doing 12 hours childcare plus wraparound care for oldest GC.

They chose to have children and you have saved them a bloody fortune in childcare costs already. Plus, do they not get the 15/30 funded hours to help with the cost of childcare?

I think they're on a planet with very expensive nursery fees.

Presumably they know you have had to give up work due to ill health?

I am astounded they think it's reasonable to continue to expect you to be so involved? It's their child and they will have to suck up the costs and sort out child care!

They are basically asking you to continue 12 hour days with a baby/ toddler until you are nearly 70! Plus wrap around care?

What about your retirement? Are you not allowed to enjoy your free time after having worked all your life? You can still have a close relationship with your grandchildren without nearly killing yourself in the process!

I feel for you in this situation and think they need to hear your side. As a working parent without regular family help I think they have been a bit unreasonable expecting to continue in their usual working pattern. I think a full discussion about the mornings especially is needed. My UK Dd's primary school wrap around care hours are much much less than 6.30-6. They are also in demand places that get booked up and need to be paid for. I cannot think of any local childcare starting that early, the earliest which used to be available was just before 8. Do you think both baby and new school child would be dropped and you expected to juggle drop off and pick up with the baby? How about the days like end of term when no wrap around is available possibly and all the school activities/ brining in instruments, harvest festival etc, there is a lot of admin and remembering stuff there. Also the school holidays. In my experience people who had relied on paid childcare get a bit of a shock when primary school starts in terms of hours and people half your age struggle with the mental and physical load. I think it needs a clear conversation about how tiring and demanding what they are expecting is.

The selfishness doesn't lie in hoping OP might have been able to help out, but in expecting it without any apparent thought for her health difficulties

And as said, their attitude when told no will be revealing ...