Not wanting to do childcare for another GC - VERY SAD UPDATE, PLEASE READ THREAD BEFORE RESPONDING (Title edited by MNHQ)

[ReluctantGrandma]

NC for obvious reasons.

i have looked after GD since she was 6 months old. Childcare is very expensive where we live so I always agreed to do one day a week when DIL went back to work. At that stage I worked four days a week so that was my day off, I have since retired due to poor health (I’m 63 now) so when I was asked if I could possibly do an extra day (DIL originally went back 4 days but wanted to go full time) I said yes. I love the relationship I have with GD and she is lots of fun, but she gets dropped off at 6.30am and collected at 6pm and I have found it increasingly tiring. My health is not great and I am knackered by the end of the day.

She starts school next year and I was looking forward to doing some school drop offs/pick ups where I would still spend time with her but not have the long days. DS and DIL always said they were “one and done” for a number of reasons which I completely got (and even if I didn’t it was their choice and none of my business). They have just announced that they are expecting a second child due beginning of July. Wonderful, BUT, they are now talking about which days I can do once DIL goes back to work in January 2026. It doesn’t appear to have occurred to either of them that my doing 2 days a week with the new baby on top of school drop offs/pick ups is anything other than a given, more of a “do you still want to do Monday and Wednesday or would you prefer Monday and Friday”. I usually have no issue in standing my ground and saying no to things I don’t want to do but I know that they are screwed if they have to pay for full time child care so would feel like the work’s worst grandma if I say no. DH still works FT but tries to come home early to help when he can. How on earth can we say no? Ironically I spent my working life as a therapist encouraging open communication in families but now it has come to my own I don’t feel able to put any of my strategies into practice.

it is totally reasonable for you to say that you can’t do it anymore….its not even that you are saying that you can’t be bothered (although it would also be reasonable if that was your reason), you’re admitting that it’s too much for you.

My mum does child care for us usually 2-3 days per week also with an early drop off and pickup. I’m very grateful to her for doing it but i regularly check in that it’s not too much and she’s still happy doing it. There have been weeks where I’ve had to ask her to do extra days and she’s said no it’s too much so we’ve had to use extra days at nursery instead and that’s fine. She also told us after we had our second that she would not be doing childcare if there was to be a
third…there wasn’t going to be anyway but she was just letting us know.

You just need to talk to them OP. Do you drive? Could they put baby in nursery for a morning then you pick it up and have it for the afternoon for a few days per week? Or you have in a morning then take to nursery for the afternoon? So they’re saving a little bit in childcare costs at least. Would an arrangement like that be easier for you?

You have to tell them you can no longer do it. We have never had free childcare. Outsourced from the word go, and we are not rich. One of the reasons we only have one. My mum´s and my MIL´s health wouldn´t allow it and I would never let them do anything more than occasional baby sitting, it isnt right.

The Son & DIL are shockingly behaved allowing OP to pay for childcare when she takes a holiday. Unbelievable! I think OP hasn't quite realised the level of selfish entitlement she is dealing with.

I forgot snow days! And what if these inset, sick, snow days etc didnt fall on your allocated childcare days?

Honestly if you offered to be on standby for emergencies that would be more than enough.

Be honest and direct. Make a simple statement and dont deviate. Rinse and repeat if necessary - dont get drawn in and guilt tripped to problem solving.

Dont apologise, justify or defend your decision - that just opens up a crack for further negotiation.

I would tell them v soon - give them as much time as possible to get used to it.

Please enjoy your retirement. You've done more than enough 'caring' in raising your own family, through your work as a therapist and in supporting your adult childs family by doing 12 hour shifts in sole charge of their child for free.....

I am not surprised you are unwell - you cant pour from an empty cup .... and its about time your efforts are reciprocated.

You shouldn't require GP to provide free childcare to have kids.

Wow missed this!!!!!

They should at least be paying YOU holiday pay as they dont pay you anything in the first place.

This could all get tricky. Quit whilst you are ahead to preserve family harmony.

It's clear OP should say no for medical reasons.

Wow.

Its not clear at all.

She doesnt have to give any reason for her "No".

No explanation, justification, reason or defence.

If she really feels the need to expand.

"No. Because I dont want to."
"No. That doesn work for me."

House prices and rent have risen dramatically so it's not simple

I'm the first to admit it's not as simple as this either, Meowingtwice, but there's an argument to be made that grandparents doing quite so much has actually contributed towards house price increases - same with help to buy schemes, allowances in stamp duty, wraparound care and all the rest

In a purely free market, if people can't afford the prices and very little sells, then the prices have to come down or at least stabilise, but the constant meddling's unlikely to stop because it suits major housing developers with lobbying power just fine

Typo

My mum did for the first but wasn't up for number two, it's understandable, remember that there will be more government funded childcare in the future so hopefully the overall cost won't be as much anyway. Also if you do this for both of your first child's children it will be much harder to say no to the other grandchildren in the future. Be there as back up when needed. Or maybe offer one day a fortnight and see if they can take some of the days themselves, either compressed hours or some leave?

needlesandpinsa, yes 9 month olds 30 free hours in term time coming in as I mentioned too. Sadly if the parents earn over the threshold they just get the 15 free hours in term time from child aged 3 (as do asylum seekers too) - the one thing the UK state seems to hate at present is hard working high earning mothers with massive childcare bills.

I have one DC and another on the way. I don't expect nor have I asked either my mother or MIL for childcare help. My mum would likely be happy to help out, but she’s not long retired and deserves her free time. My MIL isn’t the best with young children anyway and there’s been some odd behaviour from her, so even if she was willing, it would be uncomfortable for everyone involved.

DH and I decided to have children, so they’re our responsibility, not our parents.

You’re a grandparent, not a parent. You’ve raised your children. It’s lovely if you help out on occasion, but you shouldn’t be expected to be a regular free childminder.

If it’s not something you want to do, you shouldn’t have to.

The funded hours should help now, as it now starts from 9 months - so the financial side shouldn't be an issue for them.

Tell them from now. They have a year yo find alternative arrangements. They are very cheeky to assume you'll do it again.

You (and multiple other posters saying the same thing) are assuming OP lives in England. Funding and provision is very different in different parts of the UK (and OP could even live outside the UK, she hasn't specified)

It’s a UK site and 84% of the UK population lives in England. It’s a reasonable assumption until told otherwise.

This happened to my SIL. I told her if they hadn't consulted her before the conception of DC2 then they had no right to expect childcare.

I'm not sure what she said or did but she seems to be doing one day with the toddler now and possibly 1-2 days school pick up as far as I am aware.

I feel that her DS and his DW were very selfish expecting so much from her, as BIL had a serious illness ,but I had to keep out of it as it was not my direct business.

Tell them asap. Say you are delighted they are expecting another but because of your health and age, you cannot offer the same level of childcare as you did for DC1 and you want to tell them now so they have time to arrange childcare.

Don't offer them childcare money unless you could offer the same amount to other DCs.

And I didn't say the funded hours would help from 9 months - in fact I said there are thresholds. The thresholds mean as ever my family gets zilch, not even child benefit. If you strive and pay a lot in the state treats you terribly badly in the UK. They encourage people to work less and earn less and then moan about low productivity.

The child benefit is unfair

2 can earn just under the cap but one can be over and not get

Think it's 60k now so could earn as a family 119.9k

But a single parent won't get it at £60k

Or something like that

But as I'm not ever going to earn £60k I will be ok

Absolutely, please don't feel guilty at all.
You are doing enough as it is and are saving them a fortune.

Please look after you first, your daughter will completely understand

I'm a wimp. I think I would text son and say we need to have a chat about looking after the new baby as you know my health hasn't been great.

Think I have to agree to this. The gravy train stops now you have to speak up

I would never expect my parents to care for my child, the entitlement of it! In fact, part of the reason I haven't got kids is that my parents and partner's parents would be not be available for even an emergency pickup or a sick day. I would never expect anyone to do regular childcare and 12 hour days for free. They need to stop taking you for granted, you've already helped them loads!

This

I'd find 12 hour days of childcare hard and multiple shorter days much easier. So doing a nursery pick up at lunchtime might work for you.

How well set up is your home for a toddler? Worth thinking about childproofing and other stuff to make life easier for you. Floor based toddlers are difficult when you find it harder to get up and down from the floor (Walk Stools are worth looking at for a very low height seat that might be more comfortable than sitting on the floor). You might be able to train the toddler well enough that you can safely change a nappy on a changing mat on a bed or some other non floor surface.

Think about activities for small children and their grown ups out of the house - they may make a longer childcare day easier. Toddler groups / messy play / music / toddler gym etc

Wrangling a wriggly toddler into a car seat is hard - if you drive, do you have the easiest-for-you set up? I'm thinking the seats that swivel might be easiest but I've never used them.

You've been doing them a huge favour and saving them a lot of money. Now it's time to just tell them what YOU are prepared to, they can't expect it as a given. We didn't have that luxury so it was nursery from day one, we didn't even consider asking our parents as we knew it would be too hard for them due to age and health reasons. I'm sure they will understand and if not that's their problem and selfish. Xx