What time do you expect your partner home from a night out?

[Tiredmummyx]

My partner has gone on Christmas do with his work mates tonight at some pub I don’t know where. He never goes out so I’m totally fine with this.

He has been working a lot of overtime recently (12 hour shifts) and I am home with DS (2 years old) all day every day and he clings me to constantly. We don’t have anyone to have him for us so I don’t get a break.

ive been out more than DP has throughout the relationship, but not much (I can’t remember the last time I went out) and was always home around 9PM after originally going out late afternoon.

He left for the do this morning at 10.50am, and is still out now. I text him at 7:40pm after I hadn’t heard a peep from him all day (I don’t expect him to text me all day long while he’s out, but one text would have been nice) asking when he expects to be back home because I have to lock the door if I go to bed (there’s only one key). He told me he will be back in another few hours and is audibly very drunk.

Just feeling a bit pissed off. I haven’t had a break without DS for a very long time and he’s very clingy (I love him to bits) and he’s been able to go out from morning till late at night drinking while I’m still home with DS. I understand he also needs a break but where is mine? Is going out in the morning and returning home late at night when you have a 2 year old and partner unreasonable?

Sure the brigade will be along soon to call me insecure and controlling (not sure how when I left him alone all day and didn’t call him until nearly 8PM).

Also pissed off he expects me to sit up and wait for him without giving me a time, clearly late though, to let him back in, when I’m absolutely shattered.

I'd expect my DH to come back when he said he would and I'd expect him to lock up after himself and not make any noise. There seem to be a lot of guys on here this year though who've gone out without their keys or they need a loft or something and for that reason they need the OP to stay up for them so they aim to come home by 10 but then stay out till much later. I used to work with guys like that, half the night they'd be "oh I'd better go outside the phone the missus" and talking about brownie points and all this stuff - it's like they love being torn between staying out and coming home. I bet their wives were just thinking "just give me a rough eta so I don't have to start phoning the hospitals"

Why are there so many people on Mumsnet who only have one set of keys to their house?! I swear every weekend there's one where someone is pissed off because they only have one set and it's causing the obvious conflict when someone is out.

My husband comes home whenever he chooses. He doesn't usually give me a time or text me until he's on the train/getting in the car. Even then I don't wait up for him, I just see the text when I wake up in the night (we sleep in separate rooms often). I'd be concerned if he wasn't home by midnight because it's very out of character but I wouldn't be angry.

If it was a day drinking thing I'd expect him back by about 11.30 after pubs close. If an evening thing, about 2.30 after nightclubs closed. But I'd be fine for those plans to change so long as he texted. If he didn't text, then I'd be worried something could have happened to him.

Certainly wouldn't be sitting there moaning about looking after my son on my own or worrying about letting him in, because everyone I've ever lived with had their own keys, as I had mine. If for some reason there was only one set of keys I'd lock up and text him to say 'text me when you're back and I'll let you in'.

It is absolutely fine for someone, especially someone who doesn't go out very much to be out all day. You keep saying you've never been out from the morning to late at night but the important question is, if you were to do this, how would your DP react ? I can understand you being annoyed if he's said you can never do this but if you've never done it just because you haven't fancied it then it's not really his problem. Honestly it's not a big deal. My husband and I often go away/to friends houses over night and neither of us resents the other for it.

I think the issue is that a lot of women with very young children don't feel they should stay out all night drinking and spend the next day in bed. They feel they have obligations to be there for their child and can't afford to spend a day incapable with a hangover this close to Christmas. They have made a transition to 'responsible parent' and prioritise family life at all times, and expect their partner to do so too. A reciprocal night out isnt the answer, because its often less about fairness and more about what she believes parents should do.
So when he announces the work do, she tries to set harm limitations so he will still be able to pull his weight, extracting promises about amount he'll drink, time he'll be home and so on.
He agrees, sometimes with good intent, often just to shut her up thinking he'll worry about it later.
Then the entirely predictable happens, he's late, she sends the annoyed message, and he, egged on by his mates, decides he might as well get hung for a sheep as a lamb.
I think if this is an occasional thing, the only resolve is to accept, as its really not reasonable to object to the odd night out however much you think its not something you'd do.

YABU - he'll be home when he's home - your child is 2 and should be sleeping if DH is late as should you. You should have sorted the key issue - if he's late he can wake you up - this might take a while- it's not the end of the world. Organise a Christmas do of your own next time - I flew to London to babysit for DD as she's on Mat leave - she left at middday saying it would be boring and she'd be home late afternoon. She was home at 1130pm. Her DH also went out for the evening after work taking advantage of my presence. On a scale of 1-10 my irritation at her late return was zero - i was pleased she was having fun and trusted me with DGS.

So many threads about this subject this year. Don't really get it

My DH usually sends me a text saying 'Rover' our dog won't lister to reason and has had more than a couple to warn me he's going to be late and or silly when he comes in. Makes me laugh every time

Well what time did he get back at ?

But were you out from 11.00 am?