What time do you expect your partner home from a night out?

[Tiredmummyx]

My partner has gone on Christmas do with his work mates tonight at some pub I don’t know where. He never goes out so I’m totally fine with this.

He has been working a lot of overtime recently (12 hour shifts) and I am home with DS (2 years old) all day every day and he clings me to constantly. We don’t have anyone to have him for us so I don’t get a break.

ive been out more than DP has throughout the relationship, but not much (I can’t remember the last time I went out) and was always home around 9PM after originally going out late afternoon.

He left for the do this morning at 10.50am, and is still out now. I text him at 7:40pm after I hadn’t heard a peep from him all day (I don’t expect him to text me all day long while he’s out, but one text would have been nice) asking when he expects to be back home because I have to lock the door if I go to bed (there’s only one key). He told me he will be back in another few hours and is audibly very drunk.

Just feeling a bit pissed off. I haven’t had a break without DS for a very long time and he’s very clingy (I love him to bits) and he’s been able to go out from morning till late at night drinking while I’m still home with DS. I understand he also needs a break but where is mine? Is going out in the morning and returning home late at night when you have a 2 year old and partner unreasonable?

Sure the brigade will be along soon to call me insecure and controlling (not sure how when I left him alone all day and didn’t call him until nearly 8PM).

Also pissed off he expects me to sit up and wait for him without giving me a time, clearly late though, to let him back in, when I’m absolutely shattered.

Jesus H.

Nah they would just find something else to moan about.

There was a thread the other day because the poster was annoyed her H came home quietly and slept on the sofa as requested but she hadn’t heard him come in so had blanked him for three days

Honestly, as a one off, I would say let him go and enjoy it and when you get the chance, you go and do the same. You’ve said yourself it isn’t often he goes out. Parenting is hard, I’m saying this as someone who hasn’t had a day or minute to myself in two months with my partner working overseas. I’m exhausted, however when he is back, I won’t deny him time with his friends as he deserves it. However, a girly night in the pub with a bottle of red will also be on the agenda

That’s not what you said. And he is only allowed to do it because he pulls his weight?

I noticed you don’t have a babysitter… why don’t you find a childminder who does some babysitting in the evening so you can both go out at times? It’s good to have someone who can help out too in any emergency situation.

If a man wrote this we'd be concerned the woman was in an abusive relationship

Works Christmas party's usually start around 11/12 and I wouldn't be home/expect my husband home from his until midnight. It's basically the same as a day of work then a night out.

Your problem is only having set of keys and needing the keys to lock the door. If my husband forgets his keys I just leave a key outside then lock from the inside, but ours is a newer lock that doesn't use the key. Give him a cut off and if he's any later he'll need to go to a hotel as you'll have locked the door

I know right?! WTAF is it with people on here and keys?

I wouldn't expect DH (or me if I was the one going out) to be home from a Xmas night out until 11ish. Especially if he hardly ever goes out.

If you wanted a night out would he be ok with it?

It sounds like the only issue here is having 1 key. I'd go to bed with my phone on and tell him to call on his way home, or put the key out under a plant pot.

Several points @Tiredmummyx none of which are unreasonable but perhaps it's the framing;

1. What time he's back
2. Relying on you to let him in
3. When you will get a break

1. It won't really matter what time he's back if he's drunk as he'll likely be neither use nor ornament
2. Tell him to ring you when he's outside, that way you can continue your evening without waiting until x time to roll round. Yes you'll get woken up BUT it just means there's only one irritation rather than repeated "when will you be back / where are you / you said you'd be back 20 mins ago etc etc". Get a couple of spare keys sorted ASAP.
3. You've been doing the hard slog so get your next night out / day off booked into the diary. You're owed some time back. Think of this as banking your partner "points" to cash in.

For me and DH whenever there is drink involved we have a mutual understanding that whoever is out is effectively off duty until the next day. Doesn't matter if it's day or evening drinking. Come back whatever hour you want, but ensure you don't disrupt the house coming in and can function the next day. In cases of more accrued partner points, it can also extend to include a lie in and morning off parenting the next day too.

So will it then be acceptable for me to leave at 11am in the morning and come home at daft o clock silly drunk while he stays home with the toddler then?

Err yeah? I've done it. DH doesn't bat an eyelid.

Well we are pretty fifty fifty so yes, it's not like he's leaving me at home with the baby, so I'm happy for him to go out with friends and enjoy himself. This doesn't seem wrong?

I'd expect him back when he gets back and definitely wouldn't be expecting him home 8pm.
You don't have to wait up for him if you don't want to. Lock the door and tell him to text/call when he's outside. I certainly wouldn't be telling him to come home before I went to bed.

Zero expectations.
I once woke up at 6 am and he wasn’t back so I rang then and he was still up at a friend’s house!

In cases of more accrued partner points, it can also extend to include a lie in and morning off parenting the next day too.

Lol @Humdinger254 We normally give each other until about 12pm the next day, then up and at them. Luckily I am more capable of being 'up and at them' than DH is. I don't suffer with hangovers!

You said he needs to text you when he is moving pub. I’m not the only one that finds that bizarre and controlling. You should have a think about that.

"moving on to another pub, could be late" : so that is what I said, or what I meant anyway. Could be later because going on somewhere else?

OP you sound so resentful about one do. Your mistake was letting him leave without finding his key and taking it.
I’d be truly peed off if my OH begrudged me a night out to this extent. I’ve been out all day/night and left the children home with him - he hasn’t felt the need to check in with me. Surely your DC is in bed by now.
Go to bed and he can ring when he gets in, cut the guy some slack.

If it was my husband, I wouldn't expect him to get home before midnight at the very earliest, or lots later if the pub has a lock in.

How do you lock up if the key is outside under a plant pot?

So you're happy for him to enjoy himself because he's behaving in the right way? Do you punish him when he misbehaves? Have a sticker chart?

As long you both get the chance to do this then I don’t think there is anything wrong with a blow out once in a while, particularly at this time of year

I don’t expect to be contacted when DH goes out and I don’t contact him. It’s a case of see you when I see you. It’s the same when I go out

How is it a "night out" when it started at 11.am?

Full day and night out....

Ayr, ok that’s what you meant.🤨

You are right, you sound really easy going!😂

I have a 2YO and I know it’s hard but I’m sorry to say YABU you’re either OK with him going out or you’re not, and your clearly not. Your issue is that he’s getting a break that puts the work on you when you don’t get a break… but have you asked for one? It’s good to have space and time apart or it will end badly (the relationship that is). Let him have a nice night out and then organise your own.

Dont chase him up or make him feel bad as he’s doing nothing wrong, just make sure you get a lay in in the morning to make up for the late night.