What time do you expect your partner home from a night out?

[Tiredmummyx]

My partner has gone on Christmas do with his work mates tonight at some pub I don’t know where. He never goes out so I’m totally fine with this.

He has been working a lot of overtime recently (12 hour shifts) and I am home with DS (2 years old) all day every day and he clings me to constantly. We don’t have anyone to have him for us so I don’t get a break.

ive been out more than DP has throughout the relationship, but not much (I can’t remember the last time I went out) and was always home around 9PM after originally going out late afternoon.

He left for the do this morning at 10.50am, and is still out now. I text him at 7:40pm after I hadn’t heard a peep from him all day (I don’t expect him to text me all day long while he’s out, but one text would have been nice) asking when he expects to be back home because I have to lock the door if I go to bed (there’s only one key). He told me he will be back in another few hours and is audibly very drunk.

Just feeling a bit pissed off. I haven’t had a break without DS for a very long time and he’s very clingy (I love him to bits) and he’s been able to go out from morning till late at night drinking while I’m still home with DS. I understand he also needs a break but where is mine? Is going out in the morning and returning home late at night when you have a 2 year old and partner unreasonable?

Sure the brigade will be along soon to call me insecure and controlling (not sure how when I left him alone all day and didn’t call him until nearly 8PM).

Also pissed off he expects me to sit up and wait for him without giving me a time, clearly late though, to let him back in, when I’m absolutely shattered.

Honestly I wouldn't even think of a time when I would "expect" him home. DH hardly ever goes out so I would want him to have fun.
In fact for his works do last week he booked a hotel room so he could have a drink and I picked him up from the station the next morning. He would (and has) done the same for me in the past.
I know it's hard with a toddler but it sounds like your DH deserves a night out. Hopefully you can arrange some time for yourself over Christmas too so you get a break.
And get a second key cut....

No limit on when a partner / spouse should come home from a night out... theoretically.

I think in the situation you describe, where he knows you are going to be exhausted from childcare, seemingly hasn't shared any vague idea of what he plans and is relying on you to stay up to let him in, his lack of communication is really unfair.

I don't think there is anything wrong with a parent of a 2-year-old staying out all day and night drinking frankly, but only on the basis that:

• it isn't so frequent that the other parent is left to handle things alone a lot
• they make up for the extra hard work the other parent is having to do both that day and the next day (during the inevitable hangover) by providing the other parent with a similar opportunity for a break / fun activity of their choice in the near future
• the rough parameters of how long they might be out shared beforehand (even if just 'I don't know when I'll be back - it might be a very late one'), or at very least dramatic changes of plan are communicated respectfully. Definitely no frequent check-ins or curfews required but still no reason to blank the other parent all day and share no expectations at all!
• the person going out is not inconveniencing the other parent greatly / demanding the other parent disrupts their own evening or that of their child (see your partner's key issu; I am also thinking of a poster on here a while back whose partner expected her to pick him up from his drinking sessions late at night with the baby!).

Just my view.

Most people have this thing...I think it's called a s-p-a-r-e.

YABU to expect him before closing time.

One key is wild! Get one cut, asap.

Key aside, I wouldn't expect my partner back at any decent hour from a works Christmas party.

Mine had his at the beginning of the month that coincide with a friends 30th.

He went out at 9am, came home for 7pm to come to the party, and then at 12:30 am when we were getting a taxi back home he hopped out as we passed the town centre to go join his mates again.

I have no idea what time he got in - which is why I would struggle if we ever moved to a house without a spare room. Doesn't matter if it's 10pm or 3am, he knows better than to try and sleep in our bedroom if he's been out 🤣

I don’t have expectations. My DH is an adult and can come home when he chooses.

My husband left the house this morning at 7.30am to go do a morning shift at work and then go on a work lunch/team event this afternoon and this evening. I have done a full day at work and have just spent the evening feeding, bathing and putting our 3 children to bed.

I hope my husband is having a lovely time and I expect him to arrive home when he’s finished having a lovely time. Maybe sometime around 11pm-1am.

Your main problem is that he doesn’t have a key to get in. You need to go to bed with the volume left on your phone and then he can all you when he’s 2 mins away and needs to be let in. It’s annoying, it’s happened with my husband before, but don’t martyr yourself and stay up, just go to bed.

No, she goes out more, but not much more.

If you're going to try and pick holes, do read properly first.

Not only does she not go out much, but when she goes out its afternoon til mid evening, not morning to late at night.

@Tiredmummyx I do think its unreasonable to piss off out without a 'expected return timeframe' and if there is one, rude not to stick to that generally.

It is also rude for there to be double standards, that he can just piss off and stay out as long as he likes whereas you're expected not to do that and if you did, there'd be a row about it.

Where do you actually live? Nobody will know your door is open.

My take is different I guess. I wouldn't mind being home all day with our child. I love it. I don't expect it to be some equal care deal. I just do it when I do it, he does when he does. I would expect him home between 1 and 2 am. If it got a bit crazy then 3-4. If he came home at 5, I'd just be glad he was alive.

Leave the door open. It will be fine. Have a snug night and go to sleep feeling happy your other half is having a nice time.

He'll be very meek the next couple of days after his night of fun, that's for sure.

I just don't understand why he can't go out all day and all evening if he wants to. What's the big deal about needing him home? He obviously isn't going to help with childcare because he's drunk. The only problem is the key and he should really have taken a key so that you can go to bed.

I wouldn't expect him before 2ish and if he's home before he's home before.

We're both usually home between 8-10 with a kebab if we go out early though.

Really? You expect another adult to give you a running commentary on their location?!

In fairness my husband and I are older (51 & 50), so if we go out, we're not rolling in during the early hours!! My husband is never later than midnight, on a normal night out. When he went to a Christmas work meal, that started at lunchtime, he was home by 9 pm! I'm the same, never passed midnight and if I'd been out since lunchtime, I doubt I'd be later than 9 pm either. I suspect if I was younger, then I might be out later. My husband always keeps in touch, and will text to say he's on his way home. Often I'll go to bed, and text to tell him. I understand the frustration of having to stay up, due to the key situation and you've been home all day with a little one.

I don't expect my partner home at a certain time. If he's out, he's out and vice versa. I would find adult curfews very stiffling.

I don't understand how neither of you thought about getting a second or third key cut. To me, that's baffling.

Where has OP said there would be a row if she did it? Genuinely? Can't see that post.

If OP wants to go out day and night, that's up to her to do that and tell her DH he's on duty.

Whenever they get back.

Mine only goes out a few times a year. I would expect him home anytime after 1am. Could you not leave the backdoor unlocked?

Can't you just got to sleep now, put your phone next to your bed and let him ring you when he's outside?

So many of these issues could be avoided very easily - like a key for every adult member of the household. Get an extra key cut next time (whoever goes), so that you both always have a key if one goes astray!

You not staying out later than 9pm is on your, really. Make sure you get your fair share of time off.

Just lay on the sofa and chill out, watch a film. Then when he gets in, let him in and go to bed. And tomorrow, plan some time when you'll be going out. This is no big deal.

Agree with this. OP it sounds like the real problem is the work and home set-up between you isn’t suiting you any more. I assume he’s working lots of 12 hour shifts because he’s the sole earner and the family needs the money?

Getting back into work will give you a bit of life away from home, and might mean your partner can dial back the hours a bit? You’ll almost certainly care less about him having the odd night out too.

I had my work do at weekend and was out from middayish to 11pm (last train!). And not even a hangover! Truly blessed.

And get thee to Timpsons asap!

Yes