What time do you expect your partner home from a night out?

[Tiredmummyx]

My partner has gone on Christmas do with his work mates tonight at some pub I don’t know where. He never goes out so I’m totally fine with this.

He has been working a lot of overtime recently (12 hour shifts) and I am home with DS (2 years old) all day every day and he clings me to constantly. We don’t have anyone to have him for us so I don’t get a break.

ive been out more than DP has throughout the relationship, but not much (I can’t remember the last time I went out) and was always home around 9PM after originally going out late afternoon.

He left for the do this morning at 10.50am, and is still out now. I text him at 7:40pm after I hadn’t heard a peep from him all day (I don’t expect him to text me all day long while he’s out, but one text would have been nice) asking when he expects to be back home because I have to lock the door if I go to bed (there’s only one key). He told me he will be back in another few hours and is audibly very drunk.

Just feeling a bit pissed off. I haven’t had a break without DS for a very long time and he’s very clingy (I love him to bits) and he’s been able to go out from morning till late at night drinking while I’m still home with DS. I understand he also needs a break but where is mine? Is going out in the morning and returning home late at night when you have a 2 year old and partner unreasonable?

Sure the brigade will be along soon to call me insecure and controlling (not sure how when I left him alone all day and didn’t call him until nearly 8PM).

Also pissed off he expects me to sit up and wait for him without giving me a time, clearly late though, to let him back in, when I’m absolutely shattered.

Get another key cut. Arrange a night out. 🤷‍♀️

😂

Sorry but this!! The number of threads recently about partners on nights out and there being only one key between them - it blows my mind that couples function in this way! There are 3 adults living in our home and we each have our own key, that's just common sense surely?!

You can CHOOSE to go out for a night and leave the kid with his Dad yes?

Yes this would be acceptable for you to do once in a while.

Adults not having their own keys is insane. Just so easily fixed. Weird. Couldn’t imagine leaving my house without a key at any stage in my adult life and am 50 now.

Jesus Christ. Just lock the door, go to bed & text him to say to ring you when he gets home so you can go down let him in? You say the man never goes out. Give him his one night a year.

If anyone’s super late in our house it’s me or dd1 who is 18. Would find it extremely weird if Dh questioned me on it he is not my dad

Exact same! I'm 39, partner is 40, DD is 18 - we are all adults so we all have a key for the home we live in. Why would you ever not??! It's just crazy to me all these adults without keys to access their homes independently 🤯

Do people only have one door to their house?

Leave the garage door/ back door unlocked.
Exit front door, lock front door, key under mat, enter via other door, secure with that door key.

Admittedly it's a PITA, but takes about 30 seconds & you can go to bed.

(Appreciate this might not work for a flat etc.)

Parenting toddlers is fucking hard work OP and you deserve a break too, but this night out is a one off.

When you have young children I think a discussion about when you will be home is reasonable but yes you need two keys!!

Why do you think someone will come in?

If my door was left unlocked you still wouldn't be able to get in without a key, is your door different in that you can enter unless the latch/bolts are set?

My DP generally goes out every other Saturday night with his friend who is a single parent so it's his non child weekend. If I've had a bad day with DS and he's been particularly clingy or he's agitated and I've been unable to get anything done then he'll either stay in until I've done everything and DS is asleep or he'll just stay in.

We've always agreed that having our own time out is important and if I had something on a weekend he'd normally go out then he happily stays in. I rarely go out these days to be honest, only mum catch ups and baby clubs!

He always comes back around 2am but always messages me within an hour to make sure we're ok and we don't need him to come back. He also will only stick to soft drinks or ensures he's under the limit in case he does need to come back.

I'm very lucky to have someone who's like this to be honest. We are going away abroad back to his country for NYE and his house is pretty much on the piazza where everyone meets.... this is when he will drink and come home at 4/5 in the morning but I really don't bat an eyelid because he's seeing his day and friends and he is just round the corner if I need him

DH and I:
-Give a heads up about whether we expect to be home before/after dinner & young DC's bedtimes. Usually this is put on a calendar in advance because neither of us is the default evening/weekend parent and we need to make sure at least one of us is home and planning to take care of all that on a given night, but we send a text or call if something changes last minute.
-Send one text at some point if we expect to be home after adult bedtime (and hadn't already mentioned that in the original plans)
-If one of us is going to go all out we either make morning-after plans in advance to cover DC-related needs or be willing to drag our hungover selves out of bed to manage parental responsibilities through the headache. Since it doesn't happen often neither of us is going to be a jerk about picking up some slack for an unforseen hangover.

But we both get time out so it works, and neither of us treats the other as the default parent while we dip in and out freely. I think if you're resentful about the general state of things (you never getting out, him treating you as default parent) then that needs to be tackled directly or it will just keep building. You need time out, even if it's just to go sit in a library or pub with no one asking anything of you, and you need adult-only social time. DP needs to step up and help with that, and he should want you to have that time.

Mine too. One, he would have made sure he had a key; two, he’d either have advised in advance that it was going to be a late one/he’d not be back until Xpm; three, he’d message during the evening to confirm this or advise he was going to be a bit later and to lock up and go to bed (and that he loves me 🤣).

Snap wouldn't feel right not to have my keys on me.
We have one set each which reminds me got to get a spare cut.

All depends on who DH is with I can usually guess a rough time he will be home. He's been out from midday and not come home till 3am before.

I'm fine with it. Enjoy the evening to myself.

I think your main issue is you're worn out.

Can you take the day for yourself on his next day off? Even if you just book into a cheap hotel room and have some nice snack and naps!

I’d probably expect DH to be on the last train after a Christmas do, which I think gets in about half midnight. If DH goes out after work, then it’s after he’s left the house at 8am, so I wouldn’t be tapping my fingers expecting him earlier because he’s left at 11am - on a normal working day he’s out of the house about 10 hours in any case!

If he missed the train or planned staying out later, I’d assume he would text me to keep me posted.

I would lock up, then text saying to phone when he gets back, and go to bed.

Yes

Wouldn't have a set time I'd expect him back, especially considering he doesn't go out often.
It sounds like you feel like you need a break, so plan something and do it. I'm sure he can watch your child while you get a break. But it sounds like you're quite resentful, as a SAHM I don't resent my husband for me spending more time with our (4) children - I'm incredibly greatful to him that he provides for our family and enables me to be home and care for our children which is so rare to be able to do these days.

Happy for him to have a good time......providing I can track his movements. Jesus

My (lovely DH) barely goes out. I bloody love that text telling me he’s off for drinks - film in the bath and a lovely relaxing evening after kids are in bed.

It's Tuesday, so a working day. He left at 11 so is on what a 12-8 shift? Dinner at 9 drinks from 11-1 home around 2am I would say. My party is tomorrow night, we are starting with cocktails at 6 dinner at 8 karaoke at 10.30 I'll have to get the last train which is 23.05 home at about 00.15 would have left the house at 7am. What do you expect?

My parents only have one key (the shape of the key is one that can’t be copied), so it doesn’t surprise me when other people do to.

Husband isn’t doing anything wrong by going out and enjoying his work’s Christmas party. I wouldn’t expect my husband back before I went to bed and I wasn’t home from mine until after midnight at the weekend.

If you need a break, OP, you need to just take them. Talk to your husband about it and arrange a suitable time.

Not late late as haven't got the patience to either wait up or be woken up.

Can’t you just text him “planning on going to bed at 11ish, if you’re going to be home much later than that you will need to ring me to get me to let you in. Have fun ps tomorrow night you’re on toddler duty.”