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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Angry at comment

204 replies

Hertsgirl1234 · 17/12/2024 11:03

My husband was on a world do last night with about 8 men and his secretary who is an old acquaintance we have known for years.
my children who are 12 called him at 11.30pm to speak to him. He was so drunk that when he put the phone down he left it up by mistake.

They heard his secretary (friend) say “why don’t you tell them you are out on a work do and you won’t be home til the morning”

They came down to tell me. I am annoyed that she is suggesting he tells his own daughters that, what has it got to do with her what he says to our children? What woman makes snide comments like that?

i am annoyed she has overstepped the mark? Does she think she is some sort of lad? Your thoughts?

OP posts:
redskydarknight · 17/12/2024 15:47

That people are focusing on the fact that your kids called him is bizarre to me,

Most 12 year olds are in bed at 11.30pm
Most 12 year olds do not have routine access to a phone at 11.30pm
Most 12 year olds know that if a parent is out for the evening, then they wait till the next day to talk to them.
Actually, most 12 year olds do not make phone calls (they prefer messaging).

Now, OP's drip feed makes it clear that the DC are missing their dad, but even then they could have rung him earlier in the evening.

If my DC rang me under those circumstances I would assume it was an emergency. Having worked out that it was not, I would have said something along the lines of what the secretary said.

TheHazelba · 17/12/2024 15:49

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Freeme31 · 17/12/2024 15:52

I think your angry with the wrong person OP (though she did overstep the mark commenting on how YOUR husband interacts with YoUR children, it's none f her business). Your right to be annoyed . However i do wonder why you are thinking it's ok for your husband to be out of the house enjoying nights out/overnight so often as if he's a single man? Why do you accept this ? Or more importantly why does he not want to be home with his family?

squeaver · 17/12/2024 16:08

On the face of it, it's not a "snide comment", just a straightforward question. Why didn't he just tell them that? How do you know she said it snidely?

Sorry, but you're projecting your annoyance with your h on your "friend".

BettyBardMacDonald · 17/12/2024 16:11

Hertsgirl1234 · 17/12/2024 12:04

hi

just to clarify he isn’t on a rare night out. He is out al least twice a week drinking and has just come back from a 5 day ski trip.

i didn’t encourage them to call, they have broken up from school so are awake, I wasn’t upstairs with them, they are clingy with him at times as he is absent a lot. No I didn’t encourage them to call.

please be kind with your comments

Tbh they shouldn't have their phones unsupervised at that time of night.

Sounds as though there are deeper issues but to answer your question, he is not unreasonable to be irritated by the kids calling and interrupting an adult social event. I think the secretary sounded sensible; tell them he'll see them in the morning. Meaning, by morning he will be back. Not that he will just be rolling in when they are getting up in the morning.

RawBloomers · 17/12/2024 16:27

I don’t really get what the anger is over.

I don’t think it’s wrong for his kids to have free access to calling him, especially if he’s away a lot and they don’t get to see him much. 11:30 is a little late for most people, but that doesn’t seem to be the issue here. And if they have free access to calling him because he’s often not home I don’t think there would be anything wrong with him telling them he was out on a work do and wouldn’t be back until the morning (assuming the plan was that he wouldn’t be back until the morning). If I was a on a night out with a friend and one of their kids rang them while we were out, I might ask why they didn’t just tell them that too. How is it snide? How does it imply she thought she was a lad? And why didn’t he just tell them that?

pinkdelight · 17/12/2024 16:30

she did overstep the mark commenting on how YOUR husband interacts with YoUR children, it's none f her business

It's her business if he's chatting with her and breaks off to take a call from the kids. It's a perfectly reasonable thing to say and the wife/OP isn't even involved, on the phone or in the conversation, so getting territorially stroppy about HER husband is a marriage issue, nothing at fault with this work colleague/friend. Besides, if you want to get into people minding their own business, the kids could learn not to earwig on other people's conversations and stir with their mum, and the dad could learn to hang up his phone. Again, it's not on this other person, but she's a convenient target because she's a woman out with men so must be some kind of conniving harlot.

Radishknot · 17/12/2024 17:00

How is it a snide comment or overstepping? He was at a work party at wouldn’t be home until the morning, your daughter phoned at 11:30pm and he was still out.

2024onwardsandup · 17/12/2024 17:28

Hertsgirl1234 · 17/12/2024 12:04

hi

just to clarify he isn’t on a rare night out. He is out al least twice a week drinking and has just come back from a 5 day ski trip.

i didn’t encourage them to call, they have broken up from school so are awake, I wasn’t upstairs with them, they are clingy with him at times as he is absent a lot. No I didn’t encourage them to call.

please be kind with your comments

So your problem is your selfish husband but instead of blaming him you’re blaming a woman who dares to work with a group of men.

good lord.

notacooldad · 17/12/2024 18:07

I don’t think it’s wrong for his kids to have free access to calling him, especially if he’s away a lot and they don’t get to see him much. 11:30 is a little late for most people, but that doesn’t seem to be the issue here.
So you don't think it's a problem that 12 year olds have unsupervised access to their phones at nearly midnight. Op claims she didn't know they had phoned him. If she doesn't know that she won't know who is phoning them or who they are contacting. That's a pretty serious safeguarding issue.

RawBloomers · 17/12/2024 18:28

notacooldad · 17/12/2024 18:07

I don’t think it’s wrong for his kids to have free access to calling him, especially if he’s away a lot and they don’t get to see him much. 11:30 is a little late for most people, but that doesn’t seem to be the issue here.
So you don't think it's a problem that 12 year olds have unsupervised access to their phones at nearly midnight. Op claims she didn't know they had phoned him. If she doesn't know that she won't know who is phoning them or who they are contacting. That's a pretty serious safeguarding issue.

There is nothing inherently more problematic about them having unsupervised access to their phones at midnight than at noon. If they were supposed to be asleep I see the issue. But they’ve broken up for the holiday so I’m assuming the family schedule is very different.

AlwaysRight1985 · 17/12/2024 19:04

Why is nobody querying that if the children phoned him, it was on them to put the phone down....

DragonGypsyDoris · 17/12/2024 19:07

Your 12 y/o children should not have been up at 11.30 pm.

Sidebeforeself · 17/12/2024 19:11

AlwaysRight1985 · 17/12/2024 19:04

Why is nobody querying that if the children phoned him, it was on them to put the phone down....

I did quite early on in the thread! Glad its not just me…

AlwaysRight1985 · 17/12/2024 19:13

Sidebeforeself · 17/12/2024 19:11

I did quite early on in the thread! Glad its not just me…

Show quote history

Ah sorry I must have missed that.... it's all very odd tbh...

CountingDownToSummer · 17/12/2024 19:16

I think the fact the op hasn't come back speaks volumes.
Without making too much assumptions I think the op knew full well they phoned him, even maybe encouraged it as she had her own suspicions.
Her DH was out with colleagues, no need to mention the fact one was a secretary other than to paint a picture the issue she has is with the only female that was there.
I hope the op hasn't been entirely truthful I her post as this is not something her dc should be drawn in to

winter8090 · 17/12/2024 19:21

What did he have to say about it?

It sounds like a drunken comment that wasn't thought out. I probably wouldn't read too much into it.

Deboragh · 18/12/2024 19:55

needlesandpinsa · 17/12/2024 11:22

Why on earth would a 12 year old need to ring their father at midnight to speak to him when he was on a work do?

His secretary was probably suggesting that he said, I am on a work do and won't be home any time soon so go to bed and I will see you in the morning.

You are being ridiculous.

Secretary said that he won't be home till morning, not that he won't see them till the morning, huge difference..

Deboragh · 18/12/2024 19:58

Jabbabong · 17/12/2024 12:10

Why is a 12 year old up until 11:30pm and why encourage them to phone their dad on a work do?

Show us the bit that says OP encouraged the kid to phone piss head dad

Fairislesweater · 18/12/2024 20:07

I think her comment is meaningless without hearing the tone it was said in. It could’ve been a conspiratorial ‘tell them you’re out, make an excuse’ or a matter of fact ‘ffs stop burbling nonsense at your kids and manage their expectations’. You can’t possibly know.

LoyalTaupeTiger · 18/12/2024 20:58

AllYearsAround · 17/12/2024 11:07

Why are you letting your kids call him at 11.30 when out drinking on a work do?

Yes, this makes no sense? Why were your 12 year old(s) phoning him at 1130 at night??

shehasglasses48 · 18/12/2024 21:42

Why were they calling him at that time? How old are they? And, yes, their age is relevant.

Anothernamechane · 18/12/2024 22:48

Do men really still have secretaries in this day and age? His PA surely? I only really see the role of secretary is a clinical setting now and they normally provide admin support to the entire team. It all sounds very old fashioned.

OP people are right that your young kids shouldn’t be calling their dad that late when he’s on a night out and tbh I find it bizarre that they’re up at that time, even if they’re broken up early. I let DD 11 finish up today but she’s still in bed for 10.

The “secretary” isn’t the issue. The one of the lads comment is just weird. I’d expect work colleagues to be able to speak to each other in the same way regardless of their sex and if she’s the only woman in the office I expect she IS “one of the lads”, unless you just think she’s there to make tea and look pretty? Your DH neglecting his family is the issue. Why is he away skiing without you? Why is he on the piss multiple times a week? Is he actually staying out all night? What have you done to raise this with him?

Laura95167 · 18/12/2024 22:57

I mean tone matters here.

If she's implying he stay out all night, subtext being with her, that's not cool.

If she's saying just tell them you're out and will see them in the morning, I kinda agree with her.

Why were 2 12yr olds up at 11.30? What did they need to call their dad for when they knew he was out drinking?

Laura95167 · 18/12/2024 23:01

Hertsgirl1234 · 17/12/2024 12:04

hi

just to clarify he isn’t on a rare night out. He is out al least twice a week drinking and has just come back from a 5 day ski trip.

i didn’t encourage them to call, they have broken up from school so are awake, I wasn’t upstairs with them, they are clingy with him at times as he is absent a lot. No I didn’t encourage them to call.

please be kind with your comments

If that's the case you've bigger problems, even off school 11.30 is late, and an odd time to call their dad.

I'd be supervising late night phone use. And I'd be speaking to DH about being more present if the call is due to them feeling clingy. At 12 they deserve to feel secure not needing reassurance because dad's drinking late twice a week and solo tripping. If they need more from him maybe you need to advocate for that