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AIBU?

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Original poster

Angry at comment

204 replies

Hertsgirl1234 · 17/12/2024 11:03

My husband was on a world do last night with about 8 men and his secretary who is an old acquaintance we have known for years.
my children who are 12 called him at 11.30pm to speak to him. He was so drunk that when he put the phone down he left it up by mistake.

They heard his secretary (friend) say “why don’t you tell them you are out on a work do and you won’t be home til the morning”

They came down to tell me. I am annoyed that she is suggesting he tells his own daughters that, what has it got to do with her what he says to our children? What woman makes snide comments like that?

i am annoyed she has overstepped the mark? Does she think she is some sort of lad? Your thoughts?

OP posts:
Cosyblankets · 17/12/2024 14:14

Nanny0gg · 17/12/2024 12:47

There is a chance that that is the office setup?

Show quote history

I see only the secretary's job is relevant. You couldn't just have said on a work do with colleagues?
It was clearly worded so that we would assume affair with secretary

pinkdelight · 17/12/2024 14:14

Hertsgirl1234 · 17/12/2024 12:04

hi

just to clarify he isn’t on a rare night out. He is out al least twice a week drinking and has just come back from a 5 day ski trip.

i didn’t encourage them to call, they have broken up from school so are awake, I wasn’t upstairs with them, they are clingy with him at times as he is absent a lot. No I didn’t encourage them to call.

please be kind with your comments

It's still mad to call your dad at the time at a works do and expect him to be sober. And there's still nothing wrong with what the secretary said. It's not a matter of whether you encouraged them, it's weird that they're on their phones and calling him at that hour and I wouldn't let my (older than 12) kids do that even if they were awake because school had broken up. There are obviously bigger issues here, but this overheard comment is very much not the issue. Possibly it's easier for you to focus on, but that's not going to be helpful as you've got the moral highground on his general (sounds like) poor parenting, whereas here you've got no leg to stand on because the kids shouldn't have rung, it's fine to be drunk at 11.30pm at a works do, and his secretary was remarkable reserved not saying "Why the hell are they calling you at this hour?"

lightsandtunnels · 17/12/2024 14:17

I'd be a bit worried about this tbh. I would be reading between lines and wondering why his secretary said that - is there anything going on between them? It's not normal for a married man with kids to be going out and drinking twice a week either or going on trips alone - a one-off maybe, but is this a usual thing? Does he go away without you and your DCs often? I'd be a bit worried about this in general OP and would want to have a talk with DH about it. Clearly your DCs miss him so might start a conversation with this as a starter to see where it leads.

CyranoDeBergerQuack · 17/12/2024 14:21

Hertsgirl1234 · 17/12/2024 11:03

My husband was on a world do last night with about 8 men and his secretary who is an old acquaintance we have known for years.
my children who are 12 called him at 11.30pm to speak to him. He was so drunk that when he put the phone down he left it up by mistake.

They heard his secretary (friend) say “why don’t you tell them you are out on a work do and you won’t be home til the morning”

They came down to tell me. I am annoyed that she is suggesting he tells his own daughters that, what has it got to do with her what he says to our children? What woman makes snide comments like that?

i am annoyed she has overstepped the mark? Does she think she is some sort of lad? Your thoughts?

And if a blokexsaid it, would you be writing here?
No

CyranoDeBergerQuack · 17/12/2024 14:22

CleanShirt · 17/12/2024 11:23

This. That's really odd.

Show quote history

Deflecting - get them to ring to enquire rather than appear nagging

Tahlbias · 17/12/2024 14:33

That's not on! How rude!

NotVeryFunny · 17/12/2024 14:43

You can't be annoyed with him for being drunk. He's out on a work do and it was late. Quite normal to be drunk and the children shouldn't have phoned him, not their fault but 12 year olds shouldn't have unfettered access to a phone for this reason, they won't always be able make the correct call for appropriate phone use.

The comment from the secretary/old acquaintance is a non-issue.

The real issue seems to be how much your husband is away. Which on the face of it seems excessive and you and the children seem understandably unhappy with it. I think you are projecting your anger onto the secretary, when it's your husband you need to be addressing this with.

LondonLawyer · 17/12/2024 14:47

Cosyblankets · 17/12/2024 11:11

Were you expecting him home?
Assume you knew he'd be drinking
Why weren't the kids in bed at 1130 on a school night?

Might not be a school night - mine broke up last Friday. But yes, a 12 yr old should normally be in bed at 11.30pm and shouldn't be ringing a parent who is on a rare night out on the piss.

whiskeytangofox · 17/12/2024 14:53

‘Goes out twice a week drinking and recently back from a ski-ing trip’…

Stop blaming the secretary as it’s nothing to do with her and instead ask yourself why are you putting up with this crap? You deserve better. See a divorce lawyer after Christmas.

pinkyredrose · 17/12/2024 15:04

Hertsgirl1234 · 17/12/2024 12:04

hi

just to clarify he isn’t on a rare night out. He is out al least twice a week drinking and has just come back from a 5 day ski trip.

i didn’t encourage them to call, they have broken up from school so are awake, I wasn’t upstairs with them, they are clingy with him at times as he is absent a lot. No I didn’t encourage them to call.

please be kind with your comments

I think it's your husband who needs to #bekind

Meanwhile33 · 17/12/2024 15:05

I would be really worried and annoyed to get a phone call from a 12 year old child at 11:30pm on a night out. They should be asleep in bed, and the parent who is out should be able to relax and enjoy themselves.

Maybe he’s not great in other ways, but in this situation you were in the wrong for not having got them into bed before then, and for letting them think it was a good idea to phone him when he’s out with work friends. I don’t think the secretary did anything wrong either, it’s really weird for a colleague to be fielding calls from children in the middle of the night unless there is an emergency.

pinkyredrose · 17/12/2024 15:06

MrTiddlesTheCat · 17/12/2024 12:21

It's not rude for a child to phone their parent late at night. My kids can ring me and/or DH any time of the day or night if they feel the need.

Really? You wouldn't mind if they called at 2am for a chat?

Scout2016 · 17/12/2024 15:12

Your "some sort of lad" remark is telling. You need need to raise your standards for the man in your life and stop looking to bitch at a woman asking a harmless and reasonable question.

TheHazelba · 17/12/2024 15:13

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

VisitationRights · 17/12/2024 15:16

I don’t think you are being unreasonable, it sounds like she doesn’t like being reminded he has a family. But your problem isn’t her attitude, it is your husband’s.

brunettemic · 17/12/2024 15:19

Seems like a complete non issue to me, not sure what you’re so worked up about!

MixedFeelingsNoFeelings · 17/12/2024 15:23

Well, I'm surprised to be swimming against the tide here, but I'd be mightily pissed off to hear a work colleague say that to my DP. That people are focusing on the fact that your kids called him is bizarre to me, but we all see things differently I suppose.

I've been in a similar situation OP - unwitting witness to what could be interpreted as work-do flirting. And both times it was exactly what it sounded like, ie someone coming on to my (in my case not unwilling) partner. It hurts.

The problem is that it wasn't intended for you to hear. So then it becomes one of those things that preys on your mind; while your partner can be justifiably outraged at any suggestion that you think a line has been crossed.

I would tell DP that I overheard what his colleague said - calmly, not as if accusing him, just a bit bemused. Then try to leave it at that and move on. Good luck OP.

TheHazelba · 17/12/2024 15:23

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brunettemic · 17/12/2024 15:27

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I’m expecting a drip feed but I tend to ignore those because if it was that relevant it would be there in the original post!

Teacherprebaby · 17/12/2024 15:30

Hertsgirl1234 · 17/12/2024 11:03

My husband was on a world do last night with about 8 men and his secretary who is an old acquaintance we have known for years.
my children who are 12 called him at 11.30pm to speak to him. He was so drunk that when he put the phone down he left it up by mistake.

They heard his secretary (friend) say “why don’t you tell them you are out on a work do and you won’t be home til the morning”

They came down to tell me. I am annoyed that she is suggesting he tells his own daughters that, what has it got to do with her what he says to our children? What woman makes snide comments like that?

i am annoyed she has overstepped the mark? Does she think she is some sort of lad? Your thoughts?

Why are your kids calling him when he's at the pub? Very odd thing to allow them to do...also 12 years old up at 11.30pm?

Teacherprebaby · 17/12/2024 15:32

Hertsgirl1234 · 17/12/2024 12:04

hi

just to clarify he isn’t on a rare night out. He is out al least twice a week drinking and has just come back from a 5 day ski trip.

i didn’t encourage them to call, they have broken up from school so are awake, I wasn’t upstairs with them, they are clingy with him at times as he is absent a lot. No I didn’t encourage them to call.

please be kind with your comments

Ah, then I take back my comment. The twice a week drinking is the issue not the secretary!!

loropianalover · 17/12/2024 15:36

Hertsgirl1234 · 17/12/2024 12:04

hi

just to clarify he isn’t on a rare night out. He is out al least twice a week drinking and has just come back from a 5 day ski trip.

i didn’t encourage them to call, they have broken up from school so are awake, I wasn’t upstairs with them, they are clingy with him at times as he is absent a lot. No I didn’t encourage them to call.

please be kind with your comments

Can you clarify why you think the comment was snide?

TheHazelba · 17/12/2024 15:38

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

DaisyChain505 · 17/12/2024 15:38

His secretary’s comments quite clearly aren’t the issue here.

Youre absent husband who puts drinking and his social life before his kids and wife is the issue.

stop focusing on the wrong thing.

NiftyKoala · 17/12/2024 15:42

AllYearsAround · 17/12/2024 11:07

Why are you letting your kids call him at 11.30 when out drinking on a work do?

Agreed. Was it to guilt him into coming home?