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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Finances

229 replies

Flowerflowering · 16/12/2024 18:51

Just wanted to vent a little and share my story…so, my husband and I have been struggling a lot financially. We don’t have any savings, our living costs keep increasing (our rent is super high) and our salaries are just not cutting it. After payday we’re often left with just enough for food and that often finishes very quickly so some months it can get very difficult and stressful. I sometimes rely on my mum and she often helps when she’s able to, but my husband usually finds it very difficult to ask for help. I’m not expecting him to be demanding hand-outs or something but I would just like him to use his initiative sometimes and ask close family members when we’re really struggling for basic essentials, instead of burying his head in the sand and behaving as though he’s oblivious to the fact that some days we run out of food and the fridge is almost empty. I’d also like to add that he’s got a large family and has some family members that are very well off - I’m not saying that means he should take advantage but I don’t see why he can’t ask them for help when it’s needed? We’ve got very young children as well, which causes additional stress. He’s very matter of fact and blasé about the situation and I don’t know whether this is just him being all “macho” about it and hiding his emotions as men sometimes do…but it’s started to upset me a little. I know there are options such as getting seconds jobs etc but our kids are still young and I wouldn’t want to always be out of the house and exhausted because I’m trying to make extra cash because my kids would ultimately be affected by this…but then again, even if I did, it would probably be for a short while perhaps. Just feeling a bit overwhelmed 🥲

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 16/12/2024 18:56

The solution to continual financial
shortfalls is not convincing your husband to ask family and friends for handouts. The two of you need to sit down and figure out a way to either lower expenses or decide who is getting a second job.

OneQuaintLemonHare · 16/12/2024 19:01

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ShanghaiDiva · 16/12/2024 19:02

Ponderingwindow · 16/12/2024 18:56

The solution to continual financial
shortfalls is not convincing your husband to ask family and friends for handouts. The two of you need to sit down and figure out a way to either lower expenses or decide who is getting a second job.

This.

JimHalpertsWife · 16/12/2024 19:04

I think it might help to sit and lay out all income and bills, and people can help with guidance on what could be swapped/dropped etc.

Do you both work full time? Any kids? Any childcare bills?

Flowerflowering · 16/12/2024 19:07

Ponderingwindow · 16/12/2024 18:56

The solution to continual financial
shortfalls is not convincing your husband to ask family and friends for handouts. The two of you need to sit down and figure out a way to either lower expenses or decide who is getting a second job.

I’m not convincing my husband to start asking for handouts, but I do understand that it seems that way. I was merely getting concerned that he wasn’t taking it as seriously as I was, or perhaps he was appearing as though he wasn’t taking it seriously. We don’t struggle every single month, but on the times that we do, it’s good to rely on others close to you because that’s what family/community is for. Not all of us just soldier on when it gets tough. I’m sure you’ve needed to rely on others at some point, right?

OP posts:
Ablondiebutagoody · 16/12/2024 19:08

How old are your kids? Are you both working full-time?

Flowerflowering · 16/12/2024 19:09

JimHalpertsWife · 16/12/2024 19:04

I think it might help to sit and lay out all income and bills, and people can help with guidance on what could be swapped/dropped etc.

Do you both work full time? Any kids? Any childcare bills?

We both work full time, in all honesty, his salary is actually not that bad, it’s because our living costs are so high, like, ridiculously high. We have young kids and no longer have childcare bills as our oldest started primary school.

OP posts:
User37482 · 16/12/2024 19:10

I think you need to comb through your budget. You really can’t be expecting anything from anyone because they will eventually get fed up. Are you definitely claiming anything and everything you can?

LakieLady · 16/12/2024 19:10

Have you checked if you're entitled to any Universal Credit? If you live in a high rent area, you can be on quite a good income and still be entitled to some help.

ShanghaiDiva · 16/12/2024 19:10

I think you need to be more proactive with managing finances. I don’t think it’s good to rely on others as a long term solution.

Flowerflowering · 16/12/2024 19:12

User37482 · 16/12/2024 19:10

I think you need to comb through your budget. You really can’t be expecting anything from anyone because they will eventually get fed up. Are you definitely claiming anything and everything you can?

I understand that it’s not okay to be relying on others regularly, I wouldn’t tolerate this myself if it was the other way round. I guess it’s harder to understand our situation as we’re the ones living through it. It’s a complicated situation because “on paper” our salaries combined is actually quite “high” so we usually don’t qualify for benefits because it looks like we don’t need it. If that makes sense.

OP posts:
Caravaggiouch · 16/12/2024 19:12

It’s not sustainable to be getting handouts from family on a regular basis. He’s only unreasonable if he’s refusing to engage in discussing the wider issue with you. If you’re both working full time and you have no childcare costs but end up with no money for food, your rent must be obscene and perhaps a move to somewhere with more reasonable rent costs is needed?

JimHalpertsWife · 16/12/2024 19:13

Is there a saving to be had by renting a smaller place? A 2bed flat - if you aren't already in one, could be a saving.

Cosycover · 16/12/2024 19:13

It would be helpful for a breakdown and maybe we could advise where you could save?

Coconutter24 · 16/12/2024 19:14

Not to sound harsh but you need to look at second jobs or something to make more money. Expecting family to bail you out is not always a given so not a solution. I know you say you don’t want to be out the house a lot because of the children but unfortunately you don’t seem in a position where you or DH can afford not to get more hours

OatFlatWhiteForMePlease · 16/12/2024 19:14

Flowerflowering · 16/12/2024 19:12

I understand that it’s not okay to be relying on others regularly, I wouldn’t tolerate this myself if it was the other way round. I guess it’s harder to understand our situation as we’re the ones living through it. It’s a complicated situation because “on paper” our salaries combined is actually quite “high” so we usually don’t qualify for benefits because it looks like we don’t need it. If that makes sense.

Ok so what is coming in versus what is going out? Even high rent shouldn’t cripple you to the point of having no food on a good salary.

ShanghaiDiva · 16/12/2024 19:14

It’s not hard to understand. Many people are struggling due to cost of living crisis, but there are only two solutions: cut costs or increase income.

Flowerflowering · 16/12/2024 19:14

Caravaggiouch · 16/12/2024 19:12

It’s not sustainable to be getting handouts from family on a regular basis. He’s only unreasonable if he’s refusing to engage in discussing the wider issue with you. If you’re both working full time and you have no childcare costs but end up with no money for food, your rent must be obscene and perhaps a move to somewhere with more reasonable rent costs is needed?

We have been considering this (moving) but we don’t want to go from one rented place to another as it just feels like we’re throwing our money away😭 but the issue is, if we stay where we are, how on earth can we save for a deposit🤔 and yes, my husband doesn’t like to discuss finances as a topic.

OP posts:
OneQuaintLemonHare · 16/12/2024 19:15

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Flowerflowering · 16/12/2024 19:15

Coconutter24 · 16/12/2024 19:14

Not to sound harsh but you need to look at second jobs or something to make more money. Expecting family to bail you out is not always a given so not a solution. I know you say you don’t want to be out the house a lot because of the children but unfortunately you don’t seem in a position where you or DH can afford not to get more hours

Yes you’re right, it’s a very tough situation to be in. I’m seriously considering a second job now. Maybe just weekends.

OP posts:
JimHalpertsWife · 16/12/2024 19:16

When money is tight, its never a nice conversation to have. However once you get yourself into a groove of checking daily / monitoring spend and seeing the balance get better (however slowly) these conversations become easier.

With no savings, buying soon is not going to be an option, so with renting you either throw away the current rental money or throw less away in a smaller rented home.

JimHalpertsWife · 16/12/2024 19:16

What % of your combined take home pay is the rent?

Livinghappy · 16/12/2024 19:17

Not all of us just soldier on when it gets tough. I’m sure you’ve needed to rely on others at some point, right?

I don't think your approach is that usual. A one off situation perhaps but borrowing money from family doesn't usually end well. Does your mum give you money, rather than lend?

If you are both working and don't have childcare costs then you might have to look at your outgoings. If rent is too high are you in the right area? A saying "you don't solve long-term money problems with money" i.e something else has to change

OneQuaintLemonHare · 16/12/2024 19:17

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Flowerflowering · 16/12/2024 19:18

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Our salaries after tax combined as a household is around £4k.

OP posts: