Finances

[Flowerflowering]

Just wanted to vent a little and share my story…so, my husband and I have been struggling a lot financially. We don’t have any savings, our living costs keep increasing (our rent is super high) and our salaries are just not cutting it. After payday we’re often left with just enough for food and that often finishes very quickly so some months it can get very difficult and stressful. I sometimes rely on my mum and she often helps when she’s able to, but my husband usually finds it very difficult to ask for help. I’m not expecting him to be demanding hand-outs or something but I would just like him to use his initiative sometimes and ask close family members when we’re really struggling for basic essentials, instead of burying his head in the sand and behaving as though he’s oblivious to the fact that some days we run out of food and the fridge is almost empty. I’d also like to add that he’s got a large family and has some family members that are very well off - I’m not saying that means he should take advantage but I don’t see why he can’t ask them for help when it’s needed? We’ve got very young children as well, which causes additional stress. He’s very matter of fact and blasé about the situation and I don’t know whether this is just him being all “macho” about it and hiding his emotions as men sometimes do…but it’s started to upset me a little. I know there are options such as getting seconds jobs etc but our kids are still young and I wouldn’t want to always be out of the house and exhausted because I’m trying to make extra cash because my kids would ultimately be affected by this…but then again, even if I did, it would probably be for a short while perhaps. Just feeling a bit overwhelmed 🥲

Depends on what other outgoings people have.

Once you arrive in a position of debt, those repayments can swallow your income. Yes, it’s often self inflicted, but that won’t change the amount it costs.

I don’t think it’s up to others, a general comment not aimed at you specifically, to tell people what “should be” affordable. If it isn’t, it isn’t.

Let’s help people out of the holes they’re in rather than just judging them for being in them.

This.
£2.5K is not a small amount to live on. (and, I don't think we know what part of the country the OP is in, as to whether the rent is £1.5K)

If anyone thinks that a joint income of circa 60k is high, I have a bridge to sell you.

I don't think anyone has said it is a high income, but, equally, it is not a low income either. As stated, it is an amount that should mean you are able to balance the books.

The shaming on this thread is unreal.

In fairness to most posters, the OP started a thread to ask if she WBU in thinking that her in-laws should give them cash regularly. I think that sense of entitlement should be shamed.

@SleeplessInWherever the thing is, the OP hasn't come here to ask how she can sort out her finances.
She hasn't answered any questions about her costs - which is fair enough, she doesn't have to of course - but no-one here can then 'help her' by helping look through her budget, or making suggestions of where savings could be made as OP doesn't want that.
She only wanted to have people say that of course other people should give her handouts, despite there being no reason (that she wants to share with us) why anyone should.

We don’t need to know her rent, or outgoings. She said they’re high enough for them to be struggling with them and that’s all the information needed. The books aren’t balancing, end of story. The specifics don’t matter IMO.

I don’t think anyone should be shamed, and don’t think anyone is coming to say they’re poor because they’d really value judgement.

I think what they need is practical support, but also don’t see any shame in asking family for help when you’re struggling.

I think her initial question was more around her partners cavalier attitude to their struggle, which obviously needs to change, and about if he should be sharing with his family how hard things are for them - which yes he should.

It honestly blows my mind that anyone with the means to help someone wouldn’t offer, I couldn’t watch family struggle while I had the money available to help them out. Which is probably why I’m sympathetic to her question, because I don’t believe you should have wealth and not want to support your family.

If you’re struggling financially because you’re paying too much of your money on rent, then moving somewhere cheaper/smaller should be your plan, not expecting family members to just give you cash.

I don’t believe you should have wealth and not want to support your family.

I have more wealth than one of my family members, because I choose to work more hours and choose to live in a smaller house than them. By this reckoning, I should give them some money so they aren’t so skint every month? I think they should move to a smaller house if they want more money though.

Exactly @Shinyandnew1

There is no indication from the OP there has been some emergency, or tragic or unexpected event that has put them in trouble. Just years of spending more than they earn.
I am not sure anyone would really think they would use their savings on a relative that did that consistently.

OP have you checked if you're able to claim benefits? Our household income is the same but rent in our area is incredibly competitive We're entitled to approx £200 a month and every little helps. As we're entitled to UC it means we can claim back a huge portion of our childcare costs which help a lot and mean i could up my hours at work. Try using a Turn2Us benefits calculator to see if you're entitled to anything.

Id also advise you to turn to food banks etc if you're struggling to feed your kids. It's unfair in your mum and the more you rely on family the less independent you'll be. I had a family member like this who would constantly ask me for money and even though they were struggling with debt it was due to their own bad money management and now i feel resentment. I love them dearly but am resentful they've taken about 15k from me over time and are unable to pay me back so i have to work harder now instead of being able to give to my kids and spend more time with them.

I hope things get easier for you and really hope you can receive some gov help!

Hi, have you looked into the baby steps by Dave Ramsey? He has a show on YouTube and a book about getting out of debt and building wealth.

Is there a local food bank you can use on months when you are short?

And do you help others out financially on a regular basis or is this expectation just one-way?

I seen in one of your comments about trying to buy a house…don’t even have that in your radar right now. Trying to get into a house right now even if it’s through some sort of shared equity scheme etc will just turn into a nightmare while you have debt and no savings.

You need to sit down and plan out all your income and expenditure for the next year. Give every penny a purpose. Make sure you are making your minimum payments on all debt every month. Plan in repaying your debts smallest to largest. See what months you have a shortfall and by how much.

Sell what you can. Do you have cars you can sell and down grade. Don’t eat out ever. Move to a cheaper flat etc etc. Get that second job.

You need to get a handle on this now. The sooner you do the better it is for your children in the long run.

As an adult, no, I’ve never relied on others financially. Not an option, family didn’t have anything so sink or swim.

I love how people think it's easy for people to do this.

No one is saying it's easy.
But in this scenario it is crucial

In this case the specifics do matter. The OP initially didn't mention the debt but it's clear that they've been living beyond their means for some time. So it's not just a case of mum can you lend me a bit because the boiler broke as a one off. They are not earning as much as they are spending and that needs work to fix.

Maybe it's time you stopped living in an expensive house and find somewhere cheaper? Since you kept banging on about high living cost, i guessed your place might be high on rent. See what you can cut back on. Do you REALLY need sky, netflix and amazon prime? Not saying you have them but if you do, it's food for thought. Do you both drive? Is it possible to use just 1 car instead? This saves on petrol, road tax, mot and car insurance. I only earn 1.5k (it was lower than this before) a month working 30hrs a week and i live quite comfortably. Granted i live in a council house which makes this easier in terms of rent (650 including council tax) but i have never struggled to pay my bills, buy food and i have a car too. I'm not a party monster, i don't drink nor smoke, i don't have any tv/online subscriptions and i don't wear designer. Really look at your expenses and I'm sure you will find some luxury expenses there

To them, sure. But who is coming on the internet and sharing their full budget with a load of strangers?

It’s the questions about how much their debt is, how they got into it - there’s no need. I’d tell you I live just below my means, I wouldn’t be giving you a profit and loss sheet.

We can work out for ourselves that the answer is their expenditures are higher, or at least at, their income. That obviously needs to change.

It took me a long time to develop any form of financial responsibility, and no amount of lecturing would have gotten me there any sooner.

@SleeplessInWherever i have seen plenty of posts on here where people do share their whole budget.

I think considering the level of judgement those with financial struggles face on MN, you’d have to be very brave to invite more of it by sharing that information.

Judgment from those who generally speaking, have more and are not in that same difficult position.

I'm not saying she should have given us a total breakdown. But missing off from the OP that they had debts is quite a big thing to miss off because 4k should be enough to live on when there don't appear to be childcare costs.

Perhaps he's not really willing to take from OP's family, but she asks anyway and he's uncomfortable with that. Perhaps he feels that, as he already has a well-paying job, OP should also step up and take some financial responsibility, whether that's earning more or spending less.

OP already said that DH had a good wage, so I assume he's on higher and she is on either min wage, or not working full time.

Who is suggesting it is easy ?
I don't think anyone is.
However, when you are in a "needs must" situation, that's what you do.
Both dh and I have worked two jobs when we needed more money.
But people have also offered to help the OP look at her expenditure. It seems she doesn't want help with that, but for most people who are going through a tight time financially, you look at both sides, and work out what suits you best, for your family, at that particular time.