Finances

[Flowerflowering]

Just wanted to vent a little and share my story…so, my husband and I have been struggling a lot financially. We don’t have any savings, our living costs keep increasing (our rent is super high) and our salaries are just not cutting it. After payday we’re often left with just enough for food and that often finishes very quickly so some months it can get very difficult and stressful. I sometimes rely on my mum and she often helps when she’s able to, but my husband usually finds it very difficult to ask for help. I’m not expecting him to be demanding hand-outs or something but I would just like him to use his initiative sometimes and ask close family members when we’re really struggling for basic essentials, instead of burying his head in the sand and behaving as though he’s oblivious to the fact that some days we run out of food and the fridge is almost empty. I’d also like to add that he’s got a large family and has some family members that are very well off - I’m not saying that means he should take advantage but I don’t see why he can’t ask them for help when it’s needed? We’ve got very young children as well, which causes additional stress. He’s very matter of fact and blasé about the situation and I don’t know whether this is just him being all “macho” about it and hiding his emotions as men sometimes do…but it’s started to upset me a little. I know there are options such as getting seconds jobs etc but our kids are still young and I wouldn’t want to always be out of the house and exhausted because I’m trying to make extra cash because my kids would ultimately be affected by this…but then again, even if I did, it would probably be for a short while perhaps. Just feeling a bit overwhelmed 🥲

You need to visit Money Saving Expert for several boards, debt management, and the thrift board. People there can make a very small amount of money feed your family very well.

You do sound entitled and see your mum in the same way a teenager does, expecting handouts all the time. Grown adult women with a home of their own need to live within their means and be independent and pay their own way.

You want your husband to ask for handouts from his family members and he doesn’t want to.

I think 99% of the posters here agree with him.

Again, your own words. You expect him to use “initiative” and ask family members for money. These are YOUR words and haven’t been lost in translation.

You are just trying to backtrack, at least own it.

With all due respect, I don’t know you from Adam and my post was not directed at you in any way, shape or form, so I don’t need you to try and school me on wealth and pride etc.

Work more, spend less.

Because taking the situation seriously would be downsizing, getting second jobs, sorting your debt etc, not running to relatives to ask for help.

You don’t seem afraid to ask for help in the slightest. It’s not him who is BU.

Maybe he does take it seriously but doesn't want to ask his family for help. Lots of people would never ask tbh. One of my children, grown up, asks for money quite regularly to fund his lifestyle. When actually he needs to sort his lifestyle out. Everyone is completely sick and tired of him. On £4k a month you should be able to afford food. If you have said what your rent is I missed it, but if it's more than half your income you need to move somewhere cheaper otherwise you will never be self sustaining.

I’m not expecting them to run to my rescue whenever things get tough. I think the essence of my post has gotten lost in translation. I originally posted about how I’d like my husband to take our financial situation a bit more seriously and in the event things got seriously tough, we shouldn’t feel afraid to speak up and ask for help. That’s all.

B u l ll s h i t on this. You've just changed what you've been saying throughout the post as most posters don't agree with you.

With all due respect, I don’t know you from Adam and my post was not directed at you in any way, shape or form, so I don’t need you to try and school me on wealth and pride etc.

Well- you posted on a public forum. Get off if you don't like the replies

If you genuinely cannot afford food each month for your children you should ask your GP for a referral to a food bank.

I’m not expecting them to run to my rescue whenever things get tough

Yes, you are! That’s exactly what you are expecting.

Move to a flat, spend less, work more. Stop sponging off other people.

Help is not the same as a handout. Ask for help with your CV, ask for a recommendation to help you get another job, ask for help looking for somewhere to move that you can actually afford.

I’m not saying that means he should take advantage but I don’t see why he can’t ask them for help when it’s needed?

If we take you for your (new) point of view- What kind of help are you suggesting then if not monetary?

You need to focus on trying to move somewhere cheaper, increase you income or decrease your outgoings and not on getting handouts from
relatives.

Hi, I think people are being a bit judgemental. I get what you were feeling, you have felt that you have been desperate and when you get to that point your husband is happy for you to go to your mum but he’s never had to go to his family, even though they could afford it. Families do help each other out and in an emergency I would be happy to help out with a small food shop etc.

But everyone is right, the problem is this isn’t a one off. You’re finances have spiralled out of control and you’re now falling short too often for you to be relying on hand outs from family.

When I first met my wife we lived way beyond our means. We racked up £20,000 in debt between us, through emergencies and just general overspending and being on low incomes. We had to get debt management plans and this allowed us to start getting our day to day finances in order. It also stopped us getting any more debt out. Our incomes have caught up to our lifestyles now lol so we are no longer in that position. But you need to find a way of either reducing your outgoings through moving or worst case senario depending on the amount of monthly payments you have going on debt, a debt management plan.

Your husband needs to get with it and come up with a plan with you to sort this out

good luck

I know there are options such as getting seconds jobs etc but our kids are still young and I wouldn’t want to always be out of the house and exhausted because I’m trying to make extra cash because my kids would ultimately be affected by this…

While it’s great to be at home and raise your family you don’t have that luxury. You can’t feed your own children on a regular basis without begging from family!

I would imagine that your husband is deeply embarrassed! His wife thinks that it’s ok to go over budget each month because her mum will save them. What happens if something happens to your mum?

I cannot imagine living like this especially with a young family.

OP I totally understand where you are coming from. I have been in a similar situation with my partner. Having been on maternity, savings nearly finished and unsure about my return to work, I was worrying about finances - I basically asked all my family if they would be able help if I couldn’t get work sorted in the near future, and my partner just didn’t do anything - watched as I roped in all the cover from my family (who all actually have less than his). In the end I told him it’s ridiculous that’s he’s not even thought to ask his and how he expects imy family to cover everything - it’s too much pressure for me to handle and if I’m asking my family he needs to ask his. He did after that! You are right to be upset but you need to outright tell him he needs to approach his family if he’s willing to take from yours. X

We have young kids and no longer have childcare bills as our oldest started primary school

Who is looking after your younger children whilst you work if you both work full time?

OP how much debt do you have? Is there a family member who could give you an interest free loan over a longer period of time to reduce the monthly repayments on it? Would that get you out of the hole? Otherwise things like cars on finance being replaced for cheaper cars, can either of you apply for a promotion/move jobs for a payrise, do you get child benefit, shop at Aldi/lidl

So as I understand it you are running out of money some months because so much of your monthly income is spent servicing debt?

Wouldn't it be better to get advice from a debt management service so you can continue paying off the debts but have enough monthly income left over to fund yourselves without having to ask family for handouts?

As for rent, could you move to a cheaper house?

I sometimes rely on my mum and she often helps when she’s able to, but my husband usually finds it very difficult to ask for help. I’m not expecting him to be demanding hand-outs or something but I would just like him to use his initiative sometimes and ask close family members when we’re really struggling for basic essentials, instead of burying his head in the sand and behaving as though he’s oblivious to the fact that some days we run out of food and the fridge is almost empty. I’d also like to add that he’s got a large family and has some family members that are very well off - I’m not saying that means he should take advantage but I don’t see why he can’t ask them for help when it’s needed?

And later:

My mum usually gives me money, she doesn’t lend it to me.

So what "help" are you expecting, if not a handout of money from your dh's "family members that are very well off"?

Anyway, as per PPs, one or both of you need to get a second job and you need to cut your expenditure because this seems to be a chronic shortage rather than a one-off emergency situation.

You mention debt - have you had debt dvice, debt counselling? Have you tried to negotiate with your lenders? Etc etc..

Is the £4k a month net wage plus child benefit and other entitlements for 2 full time workers? That sounds like a lowish full time wage each (under £28k).
Look into universal credit properly.

@Flowerflowering how much debt do you have and how long has it taken to build up??? how much are you paying monthly towards your debt??

@Flowerflowering I also recommend filling out a statement of affairs which looks at ALL your ins and outs.

£4k after tax is a healthy income, especially with no nursery bills.

You really need to go through finances in great detail to see where you are spending too much money. There's usually something.

How much is your rent? How much are you spending on phones/internet?

A friend of mine was very similar, but got me to look through her finances. They were spending £150 a week on food with a lot of processed pre-made foods and lunches. She started cooking from scratch/batch cooking and now their weekly bill is £80 for the 4 of them.