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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Finances

229 replies

Flowerflowering · 16/12/2024 18:51

Just wanted to vent a little and share my story…so, my husband and I have been struggling a lot financially. We don’t have any savings, our living costs keep increasing (our rent is super high) and our salaries are just not cutting it. After payday we’re often left with just enough for food and that often finishes very quickly so some months it can get very difficult and stressful. I sometimes rely on my mum and she often helps when she’s able to, but my husband usually finds it very difficult to ask for help. I’m not expecting him to be demanding hand-outs or something but I would just like him to use his initiative sometimes and ask close family members when we’re really struggling for basic essentials, instead of burying his head in the sand and behaving as though he’s oblivious to the fact that some days we run out of food and the fridge is almost empty. I’d also like to add that he’s got a large family and has some family members that are very well off - I’m not saying that means he should take advantage but I don’t see why he can’t ask them for help when it’s needed? We’ve got very young children as well, which causes additional stress. He’s very matter of fact and blasé about the situation and I don’t know whether this is just him being all “macho” about it and hiding his emotions as men sometimes do…but it’s started to upset me a little. I know there are options such as getting seconds jobs etc but our kids are still young and I wouldn’t want to always be out of the house and exhausted because I’m trying to make extra cash because my kids would ultimately be affected by this…but then again, even if I did, it would probably be for a short while perhaps. Just feeling a bit overwhelmed 🥲

OP posts:
EmotionalSupportBiscuit · 16/12/2024 19:28

Flowerflowering · 16/12/2024 19:23

I’ve done this so many times. I even have a spreadsheet. I think it just boils down to our living costs being more than we can afford. The renting elsewhere may have to be an option or looking at government schemes for buying on a low income or something scratches head

Can you honestly say there are no luxuries or unnecessary things that you could cut? You might not want to, but you could.

Gym, Sky, takeaways, Starbucks, clothes, other treats? If things are so tight you’ve got to look at your outgoings with a tough eye.

HansHolbein · 16/12/2024 19:28

@Flowerflowering It’s extremely difficult right now, I understand. I’m sure you’ve already thought about this but if you can try and cut down spending anywhere else I would try that too. The food shop for example.. that was one of our most disgusting outgoings.

It’s not ideal but you’re right, maybe it’s time to move somewhere cheaper.

JimHalpertsWife · 16/12/2024 19:28

I think come January, you'd do well to do three months of just solidly tracking all spending. Literally log into the bank daily, jot down the amount and a category (eg supermarket, fuel, bills). At the end of the 3 months, look at your average monthly spend on the non-direct debit stuff and see if it seems sensible.

Then go through the direct debits and see which can be dropped/ changed.

OneQuaintLemonHare · 16/12/2024 19:29

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

whatkatydid2014 · 16/12/2024 19:29

You don’t have to post what you spend here. Obviously it’s none of our business. You do however need to make sure you really have it recorded and you know where it’s all going so you have the information to make good decisions about what you can change.

Geneticsbunny · 16/12/2024 19:30

So you have been living beyond your means for a while then? Seems like this is a really good opportunity to reassess things and really cut back for a bit. No judgement from me as anyone could end up in this situation if things went a bit differently for them.

JimHalpertsWife · 16/12/2024 19:30

OP do you have free access to all Bank accounts you and your dh have?

Do either of you have any debts/loan repayments?

ShanghaiDiva · 16/12/2024 19:30

@Flowerflowering how much debt and how much are you paying to service the debt?
any way to consolidate, move to 0% or reduce payments?

missmollygreen · 16/12/2024 19:33

Flowerflowering · 16/12/2024 19:25

In hindsight, this is a bit selfish of me.

No shit.
And I would be cutting my outgoing to the absolute bone before asking my mum for hand outs as well.

You sound unbelievably entitled

Cosyblankets · 16/12/2024 19:34

Move as much as you can to a 0% card and pay it off every month without fail

RosieLeaf · 16/12/2024 19:36

Yabu, you need to adjust your lifestyle, not be asking for handouts every other month. Move, if your rent has become untenable. Work extra hours to reduce your debt.

Mentioning that his family members are wealthy is crass.

Flowerflowering · 16/12/2024 19:38

RosieLeaf · 16/12/2024 19:36

Yabu, you need to adjust your lifestyle, not be asking for handouts every other month. Move, if your rent has become untenable. Work extra hours to reduce your debt.

Mentioning that his family members are wealthy is crass.

How is it crass? I mentioned it to give context, that’s all.

OP posts:
Ineffable23 · 16/12/2024 19:39

What is your debt caused by?

Ultimately you probably need to go onto Money Saving Expert, you need to find the "debt free wannabe" forum, and then post a "statement of affairs" on there. Where you analyse all your income, all your expenditure, and then you see if your situation is sustainable.

If it's not, you may need a debt management plan, or an individual voluntary arrangement or similar, which will impact your credit scores but will usually mean you can get the interest frozen - so your money goes to actually paying down debt rather than on interest.

The MSE folk are tough but they are super helpful and really dedicated to helping people get out of difficult situations.

Unless your rent is truly truly enormous, I suspect it's the debt that is causing your problems, rather than the rent.

Flowerflowering · 16/12/2024 19:40

Ineffable23 · 16/12/2024 19:39

What is your debt caused by?

Ultimately you probably need to go onto Money Saving Expert, you need to find the "debt free wannabe" forum, and then post a "statement of affairs" on there. Where you analyse all your income, all your expenditure, and then you see if your situation is sustainable.

If it's not, you may need a debt management plan, or an individual voluntary arrangement or similar, which will impact your credit scores but will usually mean you can get the interest frozen - so your money goes to actually paying down debt rather than on interest.

The MSE folk are tough but they are super helpful and really dedicated to helping people get out of difficult situations.

Unless your rent is truly truly enormous, I suspect it's the debt that is causing your problems, rather than the rent.

Thank you for this, I will try it and see how it works.

OP posts:
OneQuaintLemonHare · 16/12/2024 19:40

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

User37482 · 16/12/2024 19:40

Yup try to stick everything on 0%. I had to really tighten my belt to get rid of some loans, I lived extremely basically and transferred everything to 0% cards. Wasn’t fun but did me the world of good.

You probably are wasting money on bits and bobs, DH and I realised how much random money we have been wasting recently and have started reigning it in.

It doesn’t matter how much money other people have really, it’s not yours and they aren’t obliged to give it to you so I really wouldn’t even think about it.

You need to stop thinking in terms of what help you can get and shift to focusing on what you can control.

Flowerflowering · 16/12/2024 19:43

User37482 · 16/12/2024 19:40

Yup try to stick everything on 0%. I had to really tighten my belt to get rid of some loans, I lived extremely basically and transferred everything to 0% cards. Wasn’t fun but did me the world of good.

You probably are wasting money on bits and bobs, DH and I realised how much random money we have been wasting recently and have started reigning it in.

It doesn’t matter how much money other people have really, it’s not yours and they aren’t obliged to give it to you so I really wouldn’t even think about it.

You need to stop thinking in terms of what help you can get and shift to focusing on what you can control.

I agree with this 100%. I think it’s because I relied so much on my mum that I somehow expected him to do the same with his relatives.

OP posts:
JimHalpertsWife · 16/12/2024 19:43

Well the borrowing from family needs to stop.

ShanghaiDiva · 16/12/2024 19:44

Flowerflowering · 16/12/2024 19:38

How is it crass? I mentioned it to give context, that’s all.

Of course it’s crass. You think he can approach them to help you because they are wealthy. The wealth of his extended family provides no context. The key context, which you originally omitted, is that in addition to your normal expenditure you are servicing debt.

Flowerflowering · 16/12/2024 19:49

ShanghaiDiva · 16/12/2024 19:44

Of course it’s crass. You think he can approach them to help you because they are wealthy. The wealth of his extended family provides no context. The key context, which you originally omitted, is that in addition to your normal expenditure you are servicing debt.

So, what’s the point of having wealth if it’s not to help others? I’m not advocating rinsing wealthy relatives just for the sake of it, but the wider concept is that if you have relatives that you’re very close to, and they understand your situation, and they’re able to help, why not? Why spend time and energy building wealth if it’s just for you and only you?

OP posts:
1AngelicFruitCake · 16/12/2024 19:49

I used to list absolutely every single thing I spent money on (need to start doing this again) even £1 on a chocolate bar, everything. Do you do this? Do you know what you spend?
Batch cooking multiple portions of a cheap meal to eat a few times over the month can help or other cheap meals. Do you find you spend a lot on food?

Optimist2020 · 16/12/2024 19:50

Flowerflowering · 16/12/2024 19:43

I agree with this 100%. I think it’s because I relied so much on my mum that I somehow expected him to do the same with his relatives.

I don’t think it’s ever good to rely on family members for money @Flowerflowering . My late nan would constantly financially bail out her children, even when she was in her early 80s. When she passed, her children in their 50s went without food because they were constantly bailed out and never mastered the art of budgeting.

I would be embarrassed to constantly being bailed out.

Flowerflowering · 16/12/2024 19:50

1AngelicFruitCake · 16/12/2024 19:49

I used to list absolutely every single thing I spent money on (need to start doing this again) even £1 on a chocolate bar, everything. Do you do this? Do you know what you spend?
Batch cooking multiple portions of a cheap meal to eat a few times over the month can help or other cheap meals. Do you find you spend a lot on food?

I think we spend a reasonable amount on food, but some months it can go up and others it does down.

OP posts:
RosieLeaf · 16/12/2024 19:50

Flowerflowering · 16/12/2024 19:38

How is it crass? I mentioned it to give context, that’s all.

The context being what - that they have lots of cash so should be happy to bung some your way so you can carry on as you are?

You seem massively entitled.

JimHalpertsWife · 16/12/2024 19:51

Flowerflowering · 16/12/2024 19:49

So, what’s the point of having wealth if it’s not to help others? I’m not advocating rinsing wealthy relatives just for the sake of it, but the wider concept is that if you have relatives that you’re very close to, and they understand your situation, and they’re able to help, why not? Why spend time and energy building wealth if it’s just for you and only you?

What "situation" though? It's not an emergency, like your roof blew off. You and dh are just living beyond your means. Monthly. That's not something family wealth can help.

The only thing that will help is for you and dh to pull up your socks, go through your lifestyle spending with a fine tooth combination and work out what can be cut/adjusted/added to make the sums balance.

You've yet to even say how much the rent is, on which you appear to be blaming this all.