Finances

[Flowerflowering]

Just wanted to vent a little and share my story…so, my husband and I have been struggling a lot financially. We don’t have any savings, our living costs keep increasing (our rent is super high) and our salaries are just not cutting it. After payday we’re often left with just enough for food and that often finishes very quickly so some months it can get very difficult and stressful. I sometimes rely on my mum and she often helps when she’s able to, but my husband usually finds it very difficult to ask for help. I’m not expecting him to be demanding hand-outs or something but I would just like him to use his initiative sometimes and ask close family members when we’re really struggling for basic essentials, instead of burying his head in the sand and behaving as though he’s oblivious to the fact that some days we run out of food and the fridge is almost empty. I’d also like to add that he’s got a large family and has some family members that are very well off - I’m not saying that means he should take advantage but I don’t see why he can’t ask them for help when it’s needed? We’ve got very young children as well, which causes additional stress. He’s very matter of fact and blasé about the situation and I don’t know whether this is just him being all “macho” about it and hiding his emotions as men sometimes do…but it’s started to upset me a little. I know there are options such as getting seconds jobs etc but our kids are still young and I wouldn’t want to always be out of the house and exhausted because I’m trying to make extra cash because my kids would ultimately be affected by this…but then again, even if I did, it would probably be for a short while perhaps. Just feeling a bit overwhelmed 🥲

It’s extremely embarrassing. I don’t like having to do it, but I can’t starve because of pride.

Oooooh now steady on OP. This is verging on the very definition of entitled. They certainly didn’t build up the wealth to service your debt and you living beyond your means.

Wow, this makes it even worse.

You say you have been “borrowing” when you haven’t, you have been asking without repaying and now you think people who have money should give it to you as you have got yourself into difficulties without making serious attempts to fix it?

I think it’s because I relied so much on my mum that I somehow expected him to do the same with his relatives.

Your poor mum to still be used as a cash cow and you expecting your husband to do the same with his family. Thank goodness he refused.

You either need to move to a cheaper house/flat, work more or cut your expenditures.

I didn’t blame our financial situation on the rent solely. I mentioned that our rent was very high. And that our overall living costs were also high.

But the thing is here, is that you can't put debt payments above food. Ultimately if the difference between you eating and not eating is paying your debts, you'll ultimately have to have damaged credit and get a plan in place where you pay that debt off at an affordable rate.

Just list the outgoings then
It probably would help your cause if posters could see that you might actually starve (?) without the family handouts.

I can’t believe you’re only “seriously considering” a second job now?? You can’t afford to live, and neither of you have got a second job yet because you’ve been happy to ask family and friends for handouts?? If I were them I would have stopped bailing you out long ago.

Either increase your income or decrease your outgoings. You’re not just an adult, you’re also a parent. Take some responsibility for your life!

Second jobs. You are not in a position to be picking and choosing what you want and what you don't want. Needs come first.

You say you’re “embarrassed” but you also say things like the above?? You don’t sound one bit embarrassed. You sound entitled and like a sponger.

I think you said further up the thread that you have no childcare costs now? And you both work full time?

If that's the case then you aren't expecting things to ease up any time soon when childcare disappears and you can work longer hours?

If that's the case then your current set up is unsustainable. You need to face that and put in place a set up which you can actually afford.

I am not preaching about the debt as we got into a lot of unsustainable debt ourselves. This was through burying our head in the sand and "not liking to talk about finances".

I sympathise as no one likes facing difficult financial realities but believe me it's better to do that than let an unsustainable situation spiral.

Your kids are growing older and much more expensive.

You need to sit down together and work out what to do.

A handout from your family or his is only ever a sticking plaster.

Are you actually reading the op’s post? You asked whether she had children after she put it in the her opening statement when you were only about the 4th person to post and now she’s said she has debts, you’re asking if she has any debt .

You do seem very entitled, I get the impression that the house you're renting is an expensive one to keep up with the in laws

Do you have or can you create a spare room? You can rent a room out tax free if it's for £7,500 (iirc) or less per annum.

She mentioned the debt 3 minutes before I asked about debt. So I read down the page, didn't refresh it, then posted. Which is surely what most people do?

Do you always comb responses and call out people that miss a post / Cross posted?

I don’t understand why people think I’m entitled based on what I’m posting? I’m probably the least entitled person you’ll meet. I don’t expect anything from anyone, I’m very low maintenance. Me asking for help is because I seriously need it, not because I believe I’m entitled to it. On numerous occasions I’ve struggled and family members have scolded me for not speaking up, so I’ve learned to speak up. Obviously I want to start getting myself out of this situation.

I love how people on MN come to dramatic conclusions on your personality and character based on one post about a difficult situation in your life.

We can only go by your posts. You are expecting “wealthy” family members ro give you money because you can’t manage your finances. That’s practically the definition of entitled.

£4k! And you can barely afford food! This has got to be a joke! What are you wasting money on?

People are saying you’re entitled because you’ve essentially said that his relatives wealth should fund YOUR poor choices, “what’s the point of having money if it’s just for you”, you think you are entitled to their money just because they have it.

So, what’s the point of having wealth if it’s not to help others? I’m not advocating rinsing wealthy relatives just for the sake of it, but the wider concept is that if you have relatives that you’re very close to, and they understand your situation, and they’re able to help, why not? Why spend time and energy building wealth if it’s just for you and only you?

My husband and I worked damn hard to ensure our kids had everything they needed. We generated our wealth so that we as a family could enjoy and do things that we wanted to and that our wealth will be passed onto our children.

I'm not going to sacrifice for a family member who constantly wastes money and lives beyond their means. As it isn't just a one time help- it sounds like you expect a handout every couple of months. I'd potentially buy things for your children- but I would make damn sure you wouldn't get any monetary value from it. You come across as very grabby and entitled and quite unpleasant.

Move to a cheaper area; get rid of extra vehicles if you can, get a second job working night shifts, sell things on eBay/vinted. Consolidate your debt and sort out a repayment plan.

Do you still have holidays and days out? These need to cut down if you do. Do you buy coffees out? This needs to stop. It's amazing how much you can save when you realise what you are over spending on .

But lose your pride. Pride is the worst companion. It teaches you and gains you nothing. Learn some humility instead.

But surely if you budgeted better you wouldn’t starve @Flowerflowering . Without a breakdown of your expenses it’s hard to say what you can improve on.

I just wondered how do you and your husband plan on resolving your financial difficulties, or is the plan to be bailed out until your parents pass away ?

To answer your original question, we have quite a bit in savings and would help family if needed. BUT if they weren't keeping to a proper food budget, had debt that was by unnecessary spending and just generally weren't as careful as they should be then I would find it frustrating and question what good lending them money would do.

When we were having to be careful I could tell you how much my food budget was, exactly what our money was going on and it really helped.

I’m not expecting them to run to my rescue whenever things get tough. I think the essence of my post has gotten lost in translation. I originally posted about how I’d like my husband to take our financial situation a bit more seriously and in the event things got seriously tough, we shouldn’t feel afraid to speak up and ask for help. That’s all.

I'm not going to sacrifice for a family member who constantly wastes money and lives beyond their means. As it isn't just a one time help- it sounds like you expect a handout every couple of months.

Exactly this. It’s incredibly entitled.