To rip MIL a new one?

[Someadvice]

For some context I’m late 20’s, engaged to be married next year to DP. MIL is a difficult woman. She is interfering and struggled to cut the cord with DP.

We now have strong boundaries with her as if we didn’t she would attempt to interfere in every inch of our lives. I don’t dislike her but do struggle (as does my DP) with her in more than short doses.

My relationship with my own Mother is strained at best. She is a narcissist and I grew up in a volatile household. I was placed on the child protection register as a teenager due to neglect and I almost ended up in care. I am low contact with her and would prefer it if it was no contact but familial relationships make this impossible as she controls them all. She can be fine for a while and then she will do something that causes me extreme upset so it is better if I just do not communicate with her unless necessary.

MIL has taken it upon herself to try and forge a relationship with my Mother despite having never met her and despite being told not to. She found her on Facebook and will constantly message her with details of our lives. Telling her what we’re up to and that we’re going to see her and do things with her. This has been led to abusive messages from my own Mum asking why we never go and see her.

My DP has told his Mum time and time again to leave my Mother alone. I’ve heard him on the phone, I’ve seen messages, he’s even gone to her house and sat her down for a chat. Told her I don’t really get along with my own Mum and it’s difficult and she shouldn’t get involved. She listens for a bit and then it starts again. The straw has broke the camels back today and I’ve found out MIL has invited my Mum over for a Christmas trip out and my Mum has accepted. I am fuming. I have done so well and been through years of therapy to help work through my childhood and keep my Mother at arms length and MIL is ruining all of my progress.

She clearly is not listening to DP. We are due to visit her for our annual Xmas visit in a few days and I want to rip her head off. I genuinely do not want to fall out with her but I’m not sure how else to get through to her here?

Well you don't go to see her for starters.. Then mil won't have any information to pass on to your dm. Of dp wants to see wjr that's fine. Remind him where hso loyalties should lie first though....
FYI neither of our dm's were at our wedding.. We had a lovely day.. Which we wouldn't have had with either of them there... I definitely recommend that..

rather than ripping her head off, just don’t visit her and cut contact all the way down. that will be way more effective. You screaming at her, however justified will simply validate her that you’re unreasonable. Leave her to enjoy Christmas with your mother.

It sounds like low/no contact with both of them is the way forward here. Cancel the visit and let your fiancé tell her why.

You and your partner were probably partly drawn to one another because you both have dealt with toxic mothers while growing up, and thus have similar traits and experiences from it.

You and Dh need to speak to her together. Be very cjear that if she has anything to do with your mum you will be no contact with her too

I can understand she contacted her with an upcoming wedding and its good for the mums to get along but to go against your wishes is not on

I agree cut contact. Hide her from anything you put on fb. Tell her nothing or feed her some bullshit . Then what she passes on is all lies and your own mother thinks she's getting info but it's all incorrect.

So I would not visit her, and hope that your DP doesn’t as well. When she complains simply say that she has brought this about by her own actions and she may want to reflect on that

Don’t visit, your DP can go by himself. only give her minimal information about your life. You don’t need to engage with her. Actions will speak louder than words here.

Shocking behaviour on her part, very very bad.

Agree with others, neither of you go to see her, cut it off. You kicking off at her is only going to validate her and you know that will be passed straight back to your own mum, it’s not going to change her or make her feel bad, it will only make her feel more justified in behaving the way she does. I’m sorry OP this must be really difficult.

I have already cut contact right down with MIL, I last saw her over 6 months ago for BILs birthday. DP and I usually have an annual tradition of seeing her on a certain date before Christmas for a mini celebration and I was going to go but I think you are all right. Actions speak louder than words here.

That's awful. What is going through her head? Agree with PP that you need to reduce contact with your MIL. Ask her to chose you and your DH or your mother.

We are due to visit her for our annual Xmas visit in a few days

don’t go. Cancel and ignore, information now on a need to know basis. Mil is likely doing this as a power trip - leave her to it and drop her like a stone. You actually hold the power here, she’ll get the message.

I think you and your fiance need to make the position much, much clearer. If your fiance is saying things like "she doesn't really get along with her mother", your MIL probably thinks you've just had a typical mother/daughter tiff. You both need to tell her that there could be very serious consequences if she doesn't stop. This isn't a game and if she continues you will have to go low contact with her too.

As others have said, don’t go off on one- although I fully understand why you feel like it- cut contact with your MIL way down so she’s got nothing to share with your mother. It’s a reap what you sow scenario. She has literally no one to blame but herself if stop socialising with her and don’t tell her stuff anymore. It’s the only way some people will learn. She sounds like a massive shit stirrer, can’t stand people like that.

I agree with pp.
Sto visiting her.

She's not going to stop what she's doing so all you can do is protect yourself.

What an infuriating situation. I agree that you should call off the Christmas visit and make sure to tell her why.

I would consider cancelling Christmas and telling her that if she loves your mum so much she can go and hang out with her.

Agree with pp. I had a very difficult relationship with my DM and went NC. A dear friend kept relaying information to her dm who then passed it onto my dm who then used that info to try and reconnect. I tried to tell friend over and over but she couldn't help herself so I had to cut her off too for my own sanity.

Tell MIL she has two choices, cut contact with your mother or you.

I think what you have to remember is that you can only control your own actions, not hers.

So, you don’t want her to tell your mother anything about you (understandably!). While you can ask her not to, you can’t force her not to. So you don’t give her any information which she can then pass on. Probably means you have to stop seeing her. This may or may not make her realise that she needs to stop passing information to your mother.

I think it’s more upsetting because we don’t have a normal family relationship between the two of us. Whilst MIL has been hard work she has never been directly horrible to me, although this certainly does feel like it. But I guess I can’t force something that clearly isn’t there.

We are getting married abroad next summer, just the two of us. We have been very clear with the families about this and haven’t told them where or an exact date due to the behaviour from the two of them. They just know we are getting married in the summer.

Unbelievable that the MIL has got herself into the situation where she can't see her son getting married. I hope the chats with your mother are worth it! Madness. You are doing the right thing not telling either of them .

It may just be unfortunate wording but ripping someone a new one is suggestive of causing additional drama.
I have experience of both toxic mil and difficulties with my own mother - different to your experience but some parallels.
I invested a lot of focus into reducing the drama and in latter years commented to dh that not only was I not playing the ‘game’ with mil I had left the game long ago.

in your position I would be extremely low contact with mil (no need to keep explaining, she knows but she doesn’t care really). Short, low key visits, occasional not regular. Be mindful of your social media make sure she can’t get info from there.

This

Agree with other posters - stop talking to, communicating with and seeing your MIL
Then she will have nothing to tell your mother.
It sounds like your DP has your back, but make sure he doesn't weaken and tell your MIL anything either.
If you're planning to have children, imagine how back this interference will be then - you need to put a huge distance between you and your MIL now
And don't tell them anything more about your wedding
Good luck!

I'm sorry, this really is terrible behaviour on her part. I agree, you need to cut contact with her to the absolute minimum. I am not sure that I would even bother to explain further what the history is, it is exhausting for you to do so and if she really cared then she would have listened to you already.