To rip MIL a new one?

[Someadvice]

For some context I’m late 20’s, engaged to be married next year to DP. MIL is a difficult woman. She is interfering and struggled to cut the cord with DP.

We now have strong boundaries with her as if we didn’t she would attempt to interfere in every inch of our lives. I don’t dislike her but do struggle (as does my DP) with her in more than short doses.

My relationship with my own Mother is strained at best. She is a narcissist and I grew up in a volatile household. I was placed on the child protection register as a teenager due to neglect and I almost ended up in care. I am low contact with her and would prefer it if it was no contact but familial relationships make this impossible as she controls them all. She can be fine for a while and then she will do something that causes me extreme upset so it is better if I just do not communicate with her unless necessary.

MIL has taken it upon herself to try and forge a relationship with my Mother despite having never met her and despite being told not to. She found her on Facebook and will constantly message her with details of our lives. Telling her what we’re up to and that we’re going to see her and do things with her. This has been led to abusive messages from my own Mum asking why we never go and see her.

My DP has told his Mum time and time again to leave my Mother alone. I’ve heard him on the phone, I’ve seen messages, he’s even gone to her house and sat her down for a chat. Told her I don’t really get along with my own Mum and it’s difficult and she shouldn’t get involved. She listens for a bit and then it starts again. The straw has broke the camels back today and I’ve found out MIL has invited my Mum over for a Christmas trip out and my Mum has accepted. I am fuming. I have done so well and been through years of therapy to help work through my childhood and keep my Mother at arms length and MIL is ruining all of my progress.

She clearly is not listening to DP. We are due to visit her for our annual Xmas visit in a few days and I want to rip her head off. I genuinely do not want to fall out with her but I’m not sure how else to get through to her here?

I would think long and hard about actually going through with the wedding. There is no way my husband would be continuing to see his mother at all if she had behaved in this way towards me.

Be careful he doesn't say the right things but continue to see her by himself. Then, once you're safely married, apply pressure to start seeing her again together to make things easier for him. He may tell you that it's all in the past and she's changed. In your position, I would be holding off on any wedding for a while to see whether he continues to see her and under what circumstances.

OP has said that they are getting married abroad just the two of them and haven't given their families either a date or a time due to the behaviour from both mums.

You sound as though MIL being hurt and getting back at her future DIL by contacting OP's abusive mum and giving her loads of information about OP that her mum then uses to continue the abuse, is a perfectly reasonable thing to do. It really isn't.

You told me I needed to read properly when I had done so! I was showing you the post I was replying to in case it wasn’t clear amidst many posts on the thread. I think the ‘Quote History’ thing is relatively new…

How boring.

You poor thing, you must feel so vulnerable.
If you feel up to talking for the hundredth time to MIL, say you had hoped for a relationship with her that you missed with your neglectful mum, however because she has decided to have the relationship instead with your mother you need to back away..
You could write it as she can't change your words, keep it that short as you've told her numerous times the reasons why and she's chose to ignore you.
After this, back off unless she comes to you with empathy and an understanding of where you are coming from.
All the best OP, I can see she's triggering trauma that you have been trying to deal with.
Christmas is a hard time of year when so many are not joyous because of life situations x
So glad your partner is supporting

I'd be worried that your mother would be at your MILs house to "surprise" you.
I would be saying if you don't stop you will
Be banned from a relationship with any future grandchildren. If that doesn't get her to stop she never will. X

It sounds like your MIL may have various motivations here;

1. she wants to know more about who you are and what your background is, and thinks that she may discover this from your mum.
2. As a mother she feels aghast that another mother in the equation is not included and she wants to know why/ is trying to be inclusive.
3. ‘It’s complicated’ isn’t sitting well with her and she wants to know what her son is getting into.

In any of these cases, she is way overstepping. She doesn’t know what the details of your background are.

you have some choices;

1. you tell her. You tell her that you were in a neglectful situation and officials had to be involved. She may approach you with more understanding and sympathy, but she could become more judgmental, depending on her personality.
2. you don’t show up. You let them forge some sort of relationship and your MIL finds out, herself. This may however take time, which may be uncomfortable.
3. you go low- contact with both mothers. This is an option others have suggested, but to me in doesn’t seem worth alienating a parent from your partner, in the long term, unless she genuinely means harm.

good luck

Everyone here is saying what she should do, or you should do. But all resolutions come ultimately from dialogue. First, ask why she is intent on ignoring your and her son's requests, in order to gain insight. The answer is unlikely to be "because I don't care what you think and I'm so selfish I just do what I want". It may be a misguided but well-meaning attempt to build unwanted bridges. Explain calmly that you are unable to meet her this year in order to protect yourself from the emotional impact of her contact with your mother.
One day, in perhaps 30 yrs, you may have an inkling as to how it feels to have grown up children, forging their new family and moving away. It isn't easy. Until then, try to be generous and not cause family division and force your DP to choose between you or his mother. He'll choose you, and in future resent it and begin to go behind your back. You don't say anything about his father, so perhaps she is widowed? She's had enough pain if that's the case. We should never behave in such a way as to cause others pain if at all possible.

You say that 'we should never behave in such a way as to cause others pain if at all possible' but you don't apply that to OP's future MIL. She knows she is causing OP pain and either just doesn't care or actually has some malevolent intent.

OP said:

'MIL has taken it upon herself to try and forge a relationship with my Mother despite having never met her and despite being told not to.'

OP's DH has tried to reason with her countless times and has told her that OP has a difficult relationship with her mum. Her MIL is passing on information about OP's life that is leading to further abuse from her mum. Even if OP's MIL is widowed, it doesn't give her a free pass. If DH and OP go low/no contact with his mother, it doesn't necessarily follow that he will resent it in future and go behind OP's back.

There is an easy solution to all this. OP's MIL and OP's mum aren't friends. There was no reason for her MIL to contact OP's mum in the first place. She should stop seeing her and stop telling her things about OP.

Why don't you think I'm applying it to OPs MIL?
Just because one person is behaving irresponsibly and ignorantly doesn't mean we shouldnt try to be better. It's easy for strangers to suggest the OP drive an irrevocable wedge between the family - we don't have to live with the consequences.
Dialogue and understanding are the mature solution. It's clear that the mother and son have a relationship - yes she's acting unreasonably, but I'm guessing she's hurt by not being able to attend the wedding of her son.
I'm also guessing you don't have adult children.

I have thee adult children plus 2 DILs. I have a good relationship with all of them because I don't behave like a twat. I wouldn't dream of doing what OP's MIL is doing. If she is doing this because she is hurt by not being able to attend the wedding of her son, that means that she is doing this deliberately to upset and cause problems for OP which is unforgiveable.

Have you considered emigrating?

A massive amount of physical distance - over 3,000 miles to Canada or 9,000 miles to Australia - might be the only sure way to enforce your contact wishes on both mothers.