To rip MIL a new one?

[Someadvice]

For some context I’m late 20’s, engaged to be married next year to DP. MIL is a difficult woman. She is interfering and struggled to cut the cord with DP.

We now have strong boundaries with her as if we didn’t she would attempt to interfere in every inch of our lives. I don’t dislike her but do struggle (as does my DP) with her in more than short doses.

My relationship with my own Mother is strained at best. She is a narcissist and I grew up in a volatile household. I was placed on the child protection register as a teenager due to neglect and I almost ended up in care. I am low contact with her and would prefer it if it was no contact but familial relationships make this impossible as she controls them all. She can be fine for a while and then she will do something that causes me extreme upset so it is better if I just do not communicate with her unless necessary.

MIL has taken it upon herself to try and forge a relationship with my Mother despite having never met her and despite being told not to. She found her on Facebook and will constantly message her with details of our lives. Telling her what we’re up to and that we’re going to see her and do things with her. This has been led to abusive messages from my own Mum asking why we never go and see her.

My DP has told his Mum time and time again to leave my Mother alone. I’ve heard him on the phone, I’ve seen messages, he’s even gone to her house and sat her down for a chat. Told her I don’t really get along with my own Mum and it’s difficult and she shouldn’t get involved. She listens for a bit and then it starts again. The straw has broke the camels back today and I’ve found out MIL has invited my Mum over for a Christmas trip out and my Mum has accepted. I am fuming. I have done so well and been through years of therapy to help work through my childhood and keep my Mother at arms length and MIL is ruining all of my progress.

She clearly is not listening to DP. We are due to visit her for our annual Xmas visit in a few days and I want to rip her head off. I genuinely do not want to fall out with her but I’m not sure how else to get through to her here?

This situation is a nightmare. Honestly, it is really bad. OP, I feel so sad that you are have had so much therapy and then this is happening to you.

I would go there to see your elderly relatives but to any enquiries about your life, no matter how innocently put, I would say 'no comment'.

I can't see how people get pleasure out of torturing others in this way,. It's obscene.

This..The MIL probably has no idea it was that bad.
She probably thinks it will be nice to get the family all together.

Given the background I very much doubt it.

Plus she's been told not to, numerous times.

No ambiguity whatsoever.

So glad to see that the poster aggressively minimizing child abuse and neglect has been deleted (and hopefully banned).

OP.. I don't think you need to tell MIL the full extent of your childhood difficulties... as some have suggested. It only gives her more information on you and she's already proved many times that she can't be trusted. Why would you tell her incredibly private stuff about yourself just because she's unable to listen to you or mind her own business.

I think its enough to say - had a very difficult childhood. Not prepared to go into any details, but its is bad enough to ask once again that you do not want her to facilitate contact or mend bridges.

But I agree with others. If she simply won't listen, that's not well meaning, that's deliberate.

You know, I think MIL is just boasting about the fact that she's doing stuff with you and your mother isn't. I'm finding it hard to read this any other way.

I think this will get much, much worse if you have children, so it's a very good idea to nip it in the bud now by cancelling the visit and making it clear that her behaviour isn't acceptable.

Actions speak louder than words, exclude MIL and blank her until she gets the message. I doubt she will choose your mother over her son will she?

I'm sorry but you need to cut her off, right now. Tell your DP you will no longer see her and if he wants to see her then absolutely no details about you are to be shared.

Paste on that smile and make your own life with DH.

I think I’d be tempted to have one final go, calmly, firmly, sitting down with MIL yourself (with or without partner).

You firmly lay out the overview of the background, and why you’re asking for space. Give examples to help her understand why you don’t want news passing on.

Then offer her the choice. Stop passing any news onto your mum at all, or stop getting any news that relates to you, including seeing you. Her choice. And with that info, she can make an informed choice.

From your posts, I can see potential that she actually doesn’t ’get It’ and thinks she’s being helpful, not harmful.
second hand messages via a partner aren’t an overly reliable communication tool.

It sounds like MIL just doesn’t comprehend how awful your mother is. Perhaps you should send MIL screenshots of the abusive messages you get from her.

MIL probably thinks she can’t be that bad because you are still in contact with her.

Don't see either of them. It sounds like your DP has the measure of his Mum. You are an adult, you don't have to do anything that causes you upset and it sounds like you've done a lot of work to get to a good point emotionally and mentally - I'm not sure what MILs scheme is but it's not from a place of love. If she wants you in her life she has to earn it

The MIL thinks she's doing the right thing, she's naive. Maybe you could write to her explaining things again. Then she'll have time to absorb it properly.

I have nothing against vulgarity in an adult context but do find it a bit grim that people would use that phrase about a child. I know lots of my relatives would use similar level language about children and I don’t like it at all (or calling children dickheads BIL).

Anyway OP you’ve had good advice, go low or no contact. Don’t let anyone hinder the progress you have made in therapy. Maybe time for your OH to get some help too.

The phrase was used about an adult, the MIL. It was not used about a child. You need to read properly.

Go no contact with your MIL until she complies.

Have had this exact same situation, sadly the ex chose the mother over her own family. I had several coffees with the M.I.L and also received a letter of apology (if "I'm sorry you feel that way" qualifies) over the years but nothing ever changed with constant sniping and inteference, it felt like being under a microscope everytime I breathed. It may feel great in the moment to rant but people like that don't care and don't change. You are better off having a rant with an unconnected friend and just not going and cutting all contact. Trust me, I've been there.

I was replying to the OP’s post where she said it’s not uncommon for it to be used about a child. I can read, thanks. You can click on ‘Show quote history’ to see what posters are responding to.

You don’t sound very compassionate to me, OP. Sorry. I need to hear all sides of a story before I’ll buy into a narrative where one person describes another person as ‘a narcissist’. For all we know, it could be you who is the ‘narcissist’. I’m also very cautious about people who blithely talk about going no contact with family members. It is a cruel and brutal thing to do. You’re very young. By all means hone your assertiveness skills and protect your boundaries, but do try to do so without causing terrible pain to others.

Her MIL isn't a nice person.
She thinks she knows better than the OP and her son.
She likes sticking her nose in.
It gives her a buzz.

People who accredit such behaviour as benign are wrong.

She is not a nice person and she will cause the OP grief.

She should rethink the marriage or insist that she has nothing further whatsoever to do with his mother, she never comes near their home, and he NEVER tells her anything about their life together.

Probably unrealistic, so rethinking the marriage is the way to go.

His mother will always think she knows best and will trample on their boundaries if she can.

What a sanctimonious, victim blaming load of utter bollocks. OP was a victim of abuse and neglect by her mother and was nearly taken into care. There is absolutely no reason why OP's MIL needs to contact OP's mum. She is giving OP's mum information about OP which is enabling her to continue the abuse that started in childhood.

OP's DH has asked him mum to stop doing this but she won't. Therefore, the only way to stop her passing on information about OP is for OP to stop seeing her MIL and telling her anything.

The cruelty and brutality is coming from OP's mum, enabled by OP's MIL.

The OP is in her late 20s, not a teenager.

Child protection orders are not put in place because the child has a strict bedtime.

Nobody is under obligation to bend themself into knots to avoid "causing pain" to a parent who treated them so badly as a child that a CPO was in place.

Let her have Xmas with your mum.
Don’t go, she is crossing very clear boundaries. And judging you for it.

You can stop patronising people.

So glad you can read.

Now did you decide this before or after she stuck her nose in because if it was before she is probably feeling terribly hurt and just getting back at you .I would hate to be excluded from my childs wedding