To rip MIL a new one?

[Someadvice]

For some context I’m late 20’s, engaged to be married next year to DP. MIL is a difficult woman. She is interfering and struggled to cut the cord with DP.

We now have strong boundaries with her as if we didn’t she would attempt to interfere in every inch of our lives. I don’t dislike her but do struggle (as does my DP) with her in more than short doses.

My relationship with my own Mother is strained at best. She is a narcissist and I grew up in a volatile household. I was placed on the child protection register as a teenager due to neglect and I almost ended up in care. I am low contact with her and would prefer it if it was no contact but familial relationships make this impossible as she controls them all. She can be fine for a while and then she will do something that causes me extreme upset so it is better if I just do not communicate with her unless necessary.

MIL has taken it upon herself to try and forge a relationship with my Mother despite having never met her and despite being told not to. She found her on Facebook and will constantly message her with details of our lives. Telling her what we’re up to and that we’re going to see her and do things with her. This has been led to abusive messages from my own Mum asking why we never go and see her.

My DP has told his Mum time and time again to leave my Mother alone. I’ve heard him on the phone, I’ve seen messages, he’s even gone to her house and sat her down for a chat. Told her I don’t really get along with my own Mum and it’s difficult and she shouldn’t get involved. She listens for a bit and then it starts again. The straw has broke the camels back today and I’ve found out MIL has invited my Mum over for a Christmas trip out and my Mum has accepted. I am fuming. I have done so well and been through years of therapy to help work through my childhood and keep my Mother at arms length and MIL is ruining all of my progress.

She clearly is not listening to DP. We are due to visit her for our annual Xmas visit in a few days and I want to rip her head off. I genuinely do not want to fall out with her but I’m not sure how else to get through to her here?

Thats nuts. Have you asked MIL why she is ignoring your requests to not contact her? What is she getting out of it? Is she trying to make your mum jealous that she knows more about your life than her or something?

I don't have advice as such because it seems like an impossible situation, just sympathy. MIL is behaving shockingly poorly.

@Jostuki Controlling, for trying to protect herself from the shit of a mother she has? You're clearly just one of those people who wants to have a pop, regardless of the fact that when you read the actual post her mother or MIL don't deserve to be anywhere near her.

I'm glad your shitty reply was deleted!

A decent MIL wouldnt want to be anywhere near her DILs abusive mother. She would want to stand by her DIL and support her.

Yes, sometimes further communication isn't worth the effort. Low contact, grey rock, and enjoy your upcoming wedding with your fiancee.

Do not throw words like coercive control around when it’s clearly not the case. You are belittling women who are actually victims of this.

BTW, there is only one victim in this scenario and that is OP. She is the victim of child abuse.

Do not sully the name of Margot by likening her to that poster!!! Margot ripped the company who failed to deliver Christmas a new one if you remember!

No you can’t, but a decent person wouldn’t want to forge a relationship with a child abusing stranger against their child’s wishes.

You've just replaced one abuser with another, your mil.

I'd cut contact with them both and ask your dh to not give your mil any details on your life, such as promotions etc. I'd certainly not be seeing either your dm or your mil over Christmas.

Yes, being the victim of childhood neglect and abuse pales into insignificance in comparison with using the phrase in the thread title. Glad that you've got your priorities right.

You do understand the MIL understands about @Someadvice reasons for being low contact and not wanting her mother knowing every facet of her life right?

if your daughter left an coercive abusive partner that had been part of the family for years - would you still contact them because you’ve never had a problem with him and she can’t dictate who you can contact etc? Would you still pass on info about how your daughter was doing now. Who she was seeing. Her plans for the future etc.

This is the same. Mother is abusive. Always has been. MIL is colluding with an abuser and passing on info that OP prefers isn’t shared about her life. OP is getting agreement from her Mother because of this information and therefore able to continue the abuse.

“oh I’m so proud of your beautiful daughter on her promotion at work what a lovely job you did of raising such a lovely woman”

To me that sounds as if she's crowing that she sees you more than your Mum does!

@Watchmesing

Ops mil is being horrid beyond words and op is obviously very upset.
Personally I think op and her dp should be well shot of both of them for a good while.

Vile behaviour from your MIL. Sounds like she is trying to make waves because you've put some boundaries in place with her. She's getting in where she can, trying to get under your skin and cause disharmony in your household. I don't blame you for being upset. But that is exactly what she wants by the sound of things.

It’s a very common saying where I am in Manchester. You would use it about anyone that pissed you off. Man, woman, child, dog.

It’s not intended to be violent or vulgar. It just means you would let someone know you were angry.

The only thing you can do is let them get on with their weird little friendship but start keeping your information to your chest.

Let mil know she’s not a trusted person anymore because she’s a feed to your mum. You tried. She will lose out in the long run.

Your MIL sounds awful and I doubt she is as oblivious to what she is doing as you think.

Is she known to cause dramas?

I'd cut any contact with her for now, tell your DP not to share any personal information about you with her.

I'd not talk to her directly as I don't think you'll get anywhere. People like that feed on attention.

Block her on social media, or change your settings so she doesn't see any of your updates.

Don't let your MIL and mother cause you any more trouble. No or very low contact from now on.

OP and her DP and quite obviously NOT emotionally abusing the MIL by asking her to not contact her abusive Mother. Stop throwing those terms about.

I’m sorry you’re being put in this position by your MIL. You’ve been dealing with the impact of your mother’s behaviour for your whole life and now your MIL is deliberately stirring things up by repeatedly contacting your mother and sharing details of your life with her.

I wonder if your MIL is acting out of some (deeply misguided) desire to ‘fix’ things between you and your mother. You say that your MIL knows that your wedding will just be you and your DP. Is there any chance that she thinks that this is because of your mother? Could she think that if she ‘fixes’ things you will have a ‘proper’ wedding she can attend? Has your MIL actually grasped the fact that she’s driving you away?