To rip MIL a new one?

[Someadvice]

For some context I’m late 20’s, engaged to be married next year to DP. MIL is a difficult woman. She is interfering and struggled to cut the cord with DP.

We now have strong boundaries with her as if we didn’t she would attempt to interfere in every inch of our lives. I don’t dislike her but do struggle (as does my DP) with her in more than short doses.

My relationship with my own Mother is strained at best. She is a narcissist and I grew up in a volatile household. I was placed on the child protection register as a teenager due to neglect and I almost ended up in care. I am low contact with her and would prefer it if it was no contact but familial relationships make this impossible as she controls them all. She can be fine for a while and then she will do something that causes me extreme upset so it is better if I just do not communicate with her unless necessary.

MIL has taken it upon herself to try and forge a relationship with my Mother despite having never met her and despite being told not to. She found her on Facebook and will constantly message her with details of our lives. Telling her what we’re up to and that we’re going to see her and do things with her. This has been led to abusive messages from my own Mum asking why we never go and see her.

My DP has told his Mum time and time again to leave my Mother alone. I’ve heard him on the phone, I’ve seen messages, he’s even gone to her house and sat her down for a chat. Told her I don’t really get along with my own Mum and it’s difficult and she shouldn’t get involved. She listens for a bit and then it starts again. The straw has broke the camels back today and I’ve found out MIL has invited my Mum over for a Christmas trip out and my Mum has accepted. I am fuming. I have done so well and been through years of therapy to help work through my childhood and keep my Mother at arms length and MIL is ruining all of my progress.

She clearly is not listening to DP. We are due to visit her for our annual Xmas visit in a few days and I want to rip her head off. I genuinely do not want to fall out with her but I’m not sure how else to get through to her here?

It's very commonly used!!

Get out the smelling salts quick though!

Maybe the OPs MIL is trying to be the fairy godmother and fix your relationship with your mother, or to show that she has a better relationship with OP now, but regardless she needs to learn that there are consequences of her behaviour, which is to be excluded.

If your DP goes to see her at Xmas he needs to make it very clear why you're not there, and refuse to talk to her about you or the wedding.

Would you be better off eloping, so neither of them are at the wedding?

In certain circumstances yes. But this is clearly not one of those circumstances. This is a child asking his mum (with very good reason) to avoid contacting someone they have no need to be in touch with whatsoever.

Of course not.

But you can say 'if you invite this person to an event, I will not be coming, and I will not visit you for the foreseeable future'.

THIS
I fully understand why you are fuming!

It's not coercive control. It's a request. It's hardly as though OP's mum and MIL are lifelong friends and OP is trying to break up the friendship for no reason at all. You compare this to MIL telling OP to stop being her friend. It would only be a relevant comparison if OP's friend had done something objectively terrible to OP's MIL.

There is no reason for OP's MIL to contact her mum and it seems like she is only doing this to cause trouble for OP. However, as she is refusing to stop contacting/seeing her, OP will need to go no contact with her MIL.

I would cancel your trip assuming you have support from your partner. She has hugely crossed a line here. By all means rip her a new one, but doesn't sound like it will have any impact whatsoever to someone with such thick skin. Her son not visiting for Christmas as planned might register though.

She sounds completely unreasonable and utterly bizarre in her behaviour. Or maybe she's not very bright. Some people do completely lack emotional intelligence.

Sure you'll have lots of advice, but I just wanted to say I'm so sorry that you were dealt a such shitty hand with both your mother and your MIL. It's hard, even as an adult with your own life, not to have at least one of these people be kind and supportive, who has your interests at heart.

It sounds like you've actually done a really good job attempting to set sensible boundaries to protect yourself. Well done, that's a real skill.

I agree with everyone who said drop the rope. I wouldn't be going to see her or having anything to do with her.

No one has said you can force an adult to do something. This is about them “requesting” and being ignored. So basically the MIL is prioritising forging a relationship with a child abuser who means nothing to her, over her own son’s request not to Yes, she can’t be forced to not contact her, but a decent person would fully support the request. I’d say it’s the emotional abuse from the MIL part, not her son and DILs

They sound like they will make a great friendship... Never see either of them ime... It's a great life.. So stress free.

Honestly OP, you have gone from one toxic family to another one.

Your MIL is as toxic as your birth mother.

She doesn't care a whit for you.
She doesn't care if she upsets you.
She doesn't respect you.
She has the narcissists characteristic of knowing what is best about everything.

I wouldn't have anything further to do with her and I would caution you marrying a man from such a family.

What if you have children and he wants to become involved with his mother again?

You are so young to be going from one toxic family to another one.

You deserve better than a drama filled future family after your childhood.

I wouldn't dream of going near your MIL again.
I would spell it out to your partner that you will have nothing futher to do with his poisonous mother.
She is no better than your own mother.
If your partner chooses to visit your mother on his own, I really would rethink marrying him because this will be your toxic future.

Of course you can't stop one adult contacting another.

But why would you want to have anything to do with your DIL's mum if she was so bloody awful?

Telling his mum not to contact a woman who was responsible for OP's childhood abuse and neglect is not coercive control.

Anyway, there's no reasoning with you. You are more critical of OP and her DH than a child abuser and her new sidekick.

But why did she know about your promotion? I'm assuming your dh shares things when chatting, which he should be able to do but I think you need to get him to agree that he doesn't share any details at all about your life (i mean yours, not your DHs, he can do what he likes) . Zero.

The MIL's first loyalty should be to her son!!!

So do I. I use that phrase too.

It's very evocative!!

Or maybe she wasn’t, maybe she was just a horrible person. That’s beside the point. As someone further up said, there is no reasoning with you. For some reason you want to side with a child abuser and her new friend, over the abused child. Very strange.

You can ask them, and in the circumstance there's a very valid reason, so MIL should respect that!

WTF does she want to see the OP's mother anyway, other than to cause trouble, the auld witch!?

It doesn't sound like your MIL is very well endowed in the emotional intelligence department (or any other sort of intelligence, come to that). She may also be being manipulative too.

I would not visit her this Christmas (your mother will almost certainly be there if you do). I would cut contact because that seems to be the only language she might understand.it could be the only way.

It sounds like your MIL and your mother actually deserve each other so leave them to it.

Make absolutely certain that neither can find out any details about the wedding at all. Be watertight there or at least one of them will probably turn up, and possibly both. So best to tell nobody at all in case it gets back to them.