To rip MIL a new one?

[Someadvice]

For some context I’m late 20’s, engaged to be married next year to DP. MIL is a difficult woman. She is interfering and struggled to cut the cord with DP.

We now have strong boundaries with her as if we didn’t she would attempt to interfere in every inch of our lives. I don’t dislike her but do struggle (as does my DP) with her in more than short doses.

My relationship with my own Mother is strained at best. She is a narcissist and I grew up in a volatile household. I was placed on the child protection register as a teenager due to neglect and I almost ended up in care. I am low contact with her and would prefer it if it was no contact but familial relationships make this impossible as she controls them all. She can be fine for a while and then she will do something that causes me extreme upset so it is better if I just do not communicate with her unless necessary.

MIL has taken it upon herself to try and forge a relationship with my Mother despite having never met her and despite being told not to. She found her on Facebook and will constantly message her with details of our lives. Telling her what we’re up to and that we’re going to see her and do things with her. This has been led to abusive messages from my own Mum asking why we never go and see her.

My DP has told his Mum time and time again to leave my Mother alone. I’ve heard him on the phone, I’ve seen messages, he’s even gone to her house and sat her down for a chat. Told her I don’t really get along with my own Mum and it’s difficult and she shouldn’t get involved. She listens for a bit and then it starts again. The straw has broke the camels back today and I’ve found out MIL has invited my Mum over for a Christmas trip out and my Mum has accepted. I am fuming. I have done so well and been through years of therapy to help work through my childhood and keep my Mother at arms length and MIL is ruining all of my progress.

She clearly is not listening to DP. We are due to visit her for our annual Xmas visit in a few days and I want to rip her head off. I genuinely do not want to fall out with her but I’m not sure how else to get through to her here?

You can cut your mother out. Other family members are controlling you if you are staying in touch with them because of your mother. Losing them might be the price you pay to get away from your mother. They can make their own choices too. You or her.

My now ex MIL told my mother stuff and sided with her. I'd not had a relationship with my mother since I was very young. I was so hurt and upset and MIL had used her last chance with me.

I will never speak to my mother again and I'm moving soon so probably won't see my MIL again after that.

Edited to ask - why don't you want to fall out with you future MIL? She's not someone to trust, or worth having a relationship with. If you're trying for your fiancés sake then he has choices to make too.

I wonder if your future MIL thought you weren't behaving as she thought you should so she'd try and get your own DM to talk you round. She really couldn't have made a worse choice, now you won't be speaking to either of them.

You can cut your mother out. Other family members are controlling you if you are staying in touch with them because of your mother. Losing them might be the price you pay to get away from your mother. They can make their own choices too. You or her.

Unfortunately, for many reasons I’m not going to go into here that isn’t the case.

The main one is she lives with both of my extremely unwell elderly Grandparents and one of them has cancer. In a few years it will most likely be possible. But not now.

If you go in all guns blazing you are handing MIL and (not soD) M ammunition OP. It will strengthen whatever messed up bond they have going on, both can claim how unreasonable you are, how you overreact, how your childhood was not that bad but you explode at every little thing. Cut contact with both women and if you have to let some family relationships drift away then that is sad, but necessary, to protect yourself.

I’m NC with my mother, and initially had a very hard time making my MIL understand this (I don’t get on with her anyway, and she’s from a very matriarchal culture where mothers walk on water). Both she and my SIL were constantly asking me how my mother was etc, and it’s taken me a good while to make them realise that all mothers are not good ones. They’ve finally got the message.

In your case, I’d go NC with the future MIL. She’s being unbelievably intrusive by contacting your mother, as well as disrespectful.

Yes, best not to go. Visiting her as normal will just give her the green light to continue.

Also tell DH that he is not to tell his mum anything about you as she clearly can't be trusted to keep it to herself.

She is being horrible to you by the way. She’s been told you don’t want contact with your mother and it’s upsetting and she’s doing it still. That’s horrible behaviour. There’s no good reason for her to be in contact, not one. I can only think she’s doing it because it upsets you.

I would send her one text ‘if you are going to have contact with my mother, then we (or I if DH wants low contact) can’t have contact with you’. Then don’t see her, no Christmas etc. hopefully she will come to her senses but I probably wouldn’t trust her again,

Maybe tell MIL that she can have a relationship with you or your mother but not both? At the moment she seems to be choosing your mother but would she do so if the choice was very clear cut?

I can't understand why you don't dislike MiL. She is treating you and your DFiance dreadfully.

She needs to feel the consequences of this, definitely. Then it is up to her if she sees the error of her ways and reforms (unlikely) or you sadly have to reduce contact and the feed of information, so she has no privileges to abuse any more.

Your DFiance sadly needs to be able to say to her:
"Mum, you have shown us you cannot be trusted to respect our wishes re toxic mother, therefore we have to stop sharing our news with you/cut down visits/etc. You have given us no choice."

I think you and DP should just cut contact with both of them for a while, at least with MIL if can't fully cut tired with DM due to family. DP needs to tell DMil sorry we love you, would love to see you for out usual ore-Christmas catch up but unfortunately we can't as you refuse to keep out private information private and listen to our wishes re DM. We can't meet with you and talk to you as you will share information. I would suggest going no contact with her for a few weeks and then revisit if she is apologetic, hopefully this will make her realise you and DP take thos issue seriously.

No need to go ripping anything, although that might feel somewhat satisfactory. It will only give your MIL and mother something to bitch about.

Stony silence from you and a succinct explanation for your absence from your DH is the best response.

Your first message asks "how can I get through to MIL?" but you've tried, and I think it's time to stop trying.

You can either go NC as many here have suggested, or LC if that's more workable. And if LC is more useful - because it doesn't allow anyone to revel in the drama of you having cut them off - combine that with grey rock and talk not very much about not very much (basically talk about things in your life that are of no consequence, so avoiding all the things that are important to you), and there will be very little for either your mother or MIL to feed on.

It took me a while to work out, but stepping away from the drama and refusing to play any part in it is the best kind of self-preservation...no need for big announcements, just walk quietly away and leave them to wonder where you have gone.

Cut all contact, she's insane.

My sympathies.
Your MIL.is out of order. She knows the relationship is strained, she's been asked repeatedly to butt out.
Cancel attending the event.

I have a struggling relationship with my mother (used to physically attack when I was younger, very critical narc tendencies etc.). My MIL used to invite my mother and father round for dinner parties (DP and I didn't go as don't live near them). I hated it. I couldn't explain why but it enraged me.

If you go to the Christmas meet-up, you might find that - surprise! - you mother is there too. Sounds like MIL would thing it a good idea to bring you both together.

Don't go.

I think the harder part of it to wrap my head around is that when she messages her it doesn’t look like it’s to snitch or bitch about us it’s more “oh I’m so proud of your beautiful daughter on her promotion at work what a lovely job you did of raising such a lovely woman” and then my Mum will screenshot it and use it as a stick to beat me with.

MIL genuinely comes across as so oblivious to everything and I’m not sure if it’s all an act to get away with it or she really is like that. I’m very aware that my own upbringing has probably made me hold onto this situation a bit more as I didn’t have someone to show me how a healthy Mother parent relationship should be, and I think my longing for that has lead me to be more forgiving. You are all right though, I am not going to see her this Xmas. I will speak to DP about it when he’s home.

It sounds like she actively going out of her way to make friend with your dm as revenge for you stealing her ds and then being low contact.

What a vindictive, nasty cow. If this were my dh and his dm acted the same he would've ripped her a new one himself. How dare she.

We are due to visit her for our annual Xmas visit in a few days and I want to rip her head off.

None of you go on this annual visit this year. Your DP has to support you in this otherwise it won’t work. She has to start missing out to realise you are all deadly serious. Ripping her one won’t work because she likes the drama. DP can go on his own but I’d take a dim view of him not supporting you.

Where does mil get her information from about your life? She doesn’t need to know anything except what you choose to tell her.
Make sure all your SM is licked down so she can’t access.And go quiet on your wedding as it concerns no one else at all. If asked anything you and DP should be vague.

You and your Dp put boundaries down so she is going out of her way to spite you by making trouble for you. She lives by her rules AND nobody tells her what she can and can’t do!
Cut contact immediately, block her and your mum on all social media and phone, if Dp wants to go, that’s his decision but he will have to make sure nothing gets back to her.

Set boundaries with MiL that both you and your DP (soon to be DH) can manage easily.

First off, restrict her access to your social media posts. You can post what you like but she is blocked/heavily restricted on what she can see.
Next, don't reward behaviour like her recent 'clever' arrangement with you visiting. That is an immediate line in the sand and you stay put.

She will stamp her feet and throw a hissy fit because you're no longer playing ball here but if you repeat the same message but this time refuse to engage with her when she pulls stunts like this, then she'll eventually learn. She may even recruit other relatives and relations to try to bring you back in line. Refuse to engage with any of them. A simple "If this is about MiL/Mum, I'd rather we not muddy the waters between us discussing it. I'm dealing with her separately on this. What can I do for you though?" and diffuse the situation by not engaging with them about this issue.

I'd even go so far as to say to her that her invite to your wedding hangs in the balance.

The next thing I would do is put her on an information diet - only share information with her that you wouldn't mind having sky written. If she shares that, then there is no harm.

It all starts with you and your DP/DH and how you manage things from this point onwards.

Have a look on here and on Reddit for the analogy about not rocking the boat because I think it fits this scenario perfectly.

I would cut her off and go totally nc. She is stirring up trouble to get at you, as there is no other explanation for her speaking to a woman who has nothing to do with her.
tell DP he can do what he likes, but you are not visiting her and you want nothing shared with her about you ever again!

MIL genuinely comes across as so oblivious to everything and I’m not sure if it’s all an act to get away with it or she really is like that.

If you have clearly explained to her that your mother behaves like this in response to positive messages, any adult of basic intelligence should be able to understand why she needs to stop sending messages.

If she is continuing to do so despite having had this explained to her, there is an element of either vindictiveness or saviour-complex power-gaming involved.

MIL has really crossed a line. I'd be concerned as to what she's hoping to achieve by being so interfering.

As she's been asked multiple times not to get involved with your mother, let her know that you won't be present where your mother is, which includes Christmas gatherings. If she continues to interfere, have limited contact with her. What else can you do when she's so determined?

I wonder why MIL does this. Have you ever asked her?

It sounds like she had minimal information I. Your life. I would leave her to your mum. Let them do whatever they like and keep them both at arms length. Does share anything with MIL that you don't want getting back to your mother.