To rip MIL a new one?

[Someadvice]

For some context I’m late 20’s, engaged to be married next year to DP. MIL is a difficult woman. She is interfering and struggled to cut the cord with DP.

We now have strong boundaries with her as if we didn’t she would attempt to interfere in every inch of our lives. I don’t dislike her but do struggle (as does my DP) with her in more than short doses.

My relationship with my own Mother is strained at best. She is a narcissist and I grew up in a volatile household. I was placed on the child protection register as a teenager due to neglect and I almost ended up in care. I am low contact with her and would prefer it if it was no contact but familial relationships make this impossible as she controls them all. She can be fine for a while and then she will do something that causes me extreme upset so it is better if I just do not communicate with her unless necessary.

MIL has taken it upon herself to try and forge a relationship with my Mother despite having never met her and despite being told not to. She found her on Facebook and will constantly message her with details of our lives. Telling her what we’re up to and that we’re going to see her and do things with her. This has been led to abusive messages from my own Mum asking why we never go and see her.

My DP has told his Mum time and time again to leave my Mother alone. I’ve heard him on the phone, I’ve seen messages, he’s even gone to her house and sat her down for a chat. Told her I don’t really get along with my own Mum and it’s difficult and she shouldn’t get involved. She listens for a bit and then it starts again. The straw has broke the camels back today and I’ve found out MIL has invited my Mum over for a Christmas trip out and my Mum has accepted. I am fuming. I have done so well and been through years of therapy to help work through my childhood and keep my Mother at arms length and MIL is ruining all of my progress.

She clearly is not listening to DP. We are due to visit her for our annual Xmas visit in a few days and I want to rip her head off. I genuinely do not want to fall out with her but I’m not sure how else to get through to her here?

I bet MIL is doing it because she thinks she knows better than you, and doesn't care what you want. It's abusive.

YANBU to be upset with your MIL but YABU to use such a violent and vulgar thread title.

I like it.

😂😂😂😂 Oh do get a grip. Are you my MIL?

I’m sure asking my MIL not to talk to my Mother is the same are severe child neglect.

Me too.It's a very common saying where I live. I don't see the vulgarity or violence. It's a figure of speech.

Wow.
That's beyond total twattery. No wonder your furious.
Support from partner sounds excellent.
In every respect, you seem to have a clear, emotionally balanced perspective on what musta bin a massively shite time growing up. Your MiL absolute self serving meddling wheedling deedilling cunt.
Again, nae wunder your raging.

Is absolutely shite, rips lids Offa awl kinda otherwise dealt with boxes. There is NO rational acceptable reasoning for MiL actions . It's disrespectful hurtful, causing reignition of otherwise manageable situation.
The bastards
Pair of them. ....... Is horrible, is also exactly how it works.sounds close to (you) being mad when voice it. BUT. I get it,have been there. People really are THAT bad.
Providing you are in now way included in the Xmas meetup and can't be arsed with the drama that not go mils will. Kick off can you skip full chapters, and detatch. All relevant emotions or fucks given.Like when do that street view to overview thing on playstation but, a solitary take yourself outta that picture. Let em get on with it. Zero response,to either. NC is difficult,tantrum,blow up exposes our feelings n leaves you upset n vulnerable, ABSOLUTE zero response/reaction to the fukin ratbag worst shit.imstant right off ,they doing it anyway.let em get on with it.
Is easiest current option. Is also shit. But fuck d'em

@Highlandfandango

Attention : Margo Ledbetter is in the room.

I’m from Manchester and that’s a very common saying.

Bloody hell @Someadvice. As the MIL to a DIL and future MIL to dd's partner, the pair of them are nuts. Define your boundaries fast.

For context, DS's MIL sent me a FB request before they were engaged. I sent a msg back that my FB was only about 20 very old friends. DD's future MIL can be a bit over chummy, we were sort of school gate mates years ago, but I know she is lonely. However, I keep a distance because it's the children's lives, not ours.

I couldn’t have said it better myself! @Jostuki How dare you? OP clearly had an extremely abusive childhood and to compare her to her abuser is disgusting.

Do you understand the threshold that a child has to go through to be placed on child protection? The only absolutely disgusting poster I see here is you.

It might have been vulgar had she used the full phrase ("rip MIL a new arsehole"). As used, it merely indicated a strength of feeling.

HTH

Has your fiance explained to his mother that the reason you have minimal communication with your mother is not because 'they just don't get on very well' but actually as a result of severe childhood neglect that nearly ended up with you being taken into care? It must have been very bad for that to even be a consideration.

If she doesn't know this she probably thinks she's forging good familial links - well meaning but annoying, rather than putting you at risk of further abuse, stress, and worry. She's also putting herself at risk of being involved with someone who is batshit. It's easy to invite the crazy into your life, less easy to push it out again.

I feel for you. My mother is toxic and has now started commenting on my friends FB posts as I won't respond to her directly. She told everyone about my divorce when I had told noone and then she moans I haven't seen her for 5 years. I'm so sorry you are suffering here.

I definitely would not 'rip her a new one'.

Your MIL has repeatedly demonstrated she has zero respect for your boundaries, she'd had ample opportunity to modify her behaviour and she's chosen not to.

It's a horrible situation for you to be in @Someadvice In your shoes, I would go NC.

@WhereYouLeftIt excellent post, I think you have summed it up perfectly. @Someadvice look at this posters post it's perfect.

Are you the OP's MIL or the mother?

The OP has a very valid reason for her (repeated) request. The MIL is the one at fault in this situation.

There’s one disgusting poster here and it’s not OP. I hope she rips the mil a new one! It’s my new favourite saying!!!

Stop all contact with MIL and come off FB and all other social media altogether. That way she won't get to know what you're doing and will struggle to share anything with your own mother.

@Someadvice maybe your partner can explain to his mother once and for all that she will no longer be updated or informed of anything to do with you, as she can’t be trusted not to reach out to someone that has abused you and gave you an awful upbringing.

And that constantly crossing the boundaries you have set does not bode well for the future of children etc may be on the horizon.

Id be pulling right back from MIL to protect yourself. You aren’t punishing her. You are t stopping DP from seeing her - but you need to protect yourself until she can respect and understand that this boundary is non-negotiable.

If MIL continues then it’s not simple naivety. She purposely dismissing your feelings and wishes, knowing it hurts you and her son.

I would speak to MIL directly and tell her that as she has failed to listen to you and DP on this, you will no longer see her and that you will not be talking to her about anything going on in your lives as she can't be trusted with that information. Block her from your social media and keep your personal information to yourself.

That's the most horrible expression in the heading. Especially one woman using it about another.

Giving the benefit of the doubt, she might not comprehend the level of trauma you experienced in your childhood, especially as you still have contact with your mother. I get it I'm not criticising, but people who don't understand the complexities of abusive parent child relationships won't. She probably is envisaging some kind of Disney happily ever after where you get married with both of you mothers there and everyone says how marvellous it is that you're all so happy now.
If you're comfortable, your DP needs to tell her the full extent of the abuse and trauma and that the only reason you have contact is because she lives with your ailing grandparents and she needs to stop because your mother is sending horrific messages based on the information she is providing. Show her some screen shots if it really needs hammering home.
If after that she persists. You will have to go NC. Your partner can see her but disclose no information about you.

Stop telling her anything about your lives, don't share any pictures. Make it clear that she has repeatedly proven she can't be trusted with details of your life so she will no longer receive them. Do not tell her anything you are not comfortable with your mother knowing.
Do not go and visit her

I am Northern and people say it here all the time! I didn’t realise it would cause so much offence. MIL definitely wouldn’t think I was vile or vulgar for saying it, I’ve heard her saying it loads.

It really wouldn’t be uncommon where I am to hear someone say “I told him to tidy his room before he went out three times and he still didn’t, I’m going to rip him a new one when he gets home” about their child. It’s just a figure of speech.