Aibu? it's not my responsibility to make sure teen DSD gets to school

[schoolpop]

Argument with me and H this morning...

He leaves for work around 7am, I leave around an hour later at roughly 8. We also have two young kids that I have to get dressed & rally into the car and drop off at nursery.

Husbands teenage DD is staying with us this week and I always feel like H just leaves her to me in the morning. He goes off to work and I'm the one left to make sure she's got up. I leave about 10 mins before she sets off walking to school.

This morning youngest was being particularly hard work and it got to about 10 to 8 and I hadn't heard DSD get up (usually she has an alarm). I knocked on and woke her up and said come on you'll be late, time to get up.

After 10 mins I went back and knocked again, I don't think she had actually got up the first time I knocked but did the 2nd time. She was obviously then in a rush and I was walking out the door.

Basically she was late for school this morning by about 10-15 mins (it's about a 20 min walk from our house).

Husband is saying when I knew she'd got up late I should have taken her in, I am saying it's not up to me to make sure his DD is in school on time, it's his job, he needs to ensure she's set her alarm and if needs be, wake her up when he leaves. I have enough on already, I did try and wake her up twice but I'm not fussing around a 15 year old in the morning as well as two young kids whilst he swans off to work.

Her school is not exactly on my way, I would have had to detour about 5- 10 mins, traffic dependant, to drop her off and had to drop our kids off too and get to my own job.

I appreciate it's shit being late but surely at some point there has to be some accountability for making sure you have your own alarm set and are up in time for school? Or at least get up when someone says "get up now you'll be late" At what age does it become DSD or her Dad at fault for being late, not me, her step mother who did try to get her up and had a tantruming 2 year old and 4 year old to deal with as well.

Not your problem. She needs to get herself off to school on time and clearly normally can do so. Its an important lesson in self reliance.

I 100% agree with you OP, at 15 she is more than capable of getting herself up and ready for school. You already made sure she was up by trying twice, you don't need to do any more than that.

I would be aware what time she needs to get up . I am assuming from your post she doesn’t usually stay so yes I probably would make sure she was up .

OP did make sure she was up, she just didn't go out of her already rushed way to drop her at school.

Agreed. I wouldn't be taking her in and taking responsibility for her being there on time, but I would be knocking on in time and keeping an eye as I would do for my own children under my roof.

You have 3 kids in the house and 2 adults. Why exactly is it your job to get all 3 to school on time? Plus she's not a little child, she can get up herself. It's the age where they learn personal responsibility.

but she did... OP said she knocked once, nothing, - knocked 10 mins later and said the DSD was up and about

She's 15. Not 5. She needs to take responsibility here. And your partner is wrong in blaming you.

She should be independent enough to get out of bed herself at this age. She could be living by herself in three years taking on a hell of a lot more responsibility.

It's her own fault but I would probably make sure she was up and ready before I left. Your husband is being a dick for arguing with you about it though.

Hopefully this teaches her to make sure she sets her alarm.

Does she usually stay over on school days?

Obviously DH should have discussed it with you if he was expecting you to drive her in.

It sounds to me like he didn't think about the possibility that she might be late at all beforehand and just assumed everything would magically get done like it usually does after he leaves for work.

But then DSD's school probably told her mum she was late, so Ex-W blames DH, then DH realises he's messed up by not actually making a plan so he blames you as he sees you as the school-run manager for any children in the house.

You have a 2 year old and a 4 year old to get out of the door on time. YANBU to want a 15 year old to get themselves ready on time whether they are your own child or a step-child.

If she were 11 he might have a leg to stand in, but at 15?? Nah, mate, she’s old enough to take responsibility for getting herself out of bed and to school on time.

Natural consequence for not getting up.

Not your problem. She’ll be at college or in employment pretty soon, assuming she gets her arse in gear and gets some GCSEs. She needs to take responsibility. My 14 year old doesn’t need any reminding to get to school on time

My 15 year old is a nightmare some mornings, if she was late I wouldn't blame an adult in the house I'd blame my DD. She needs to learn or she will think she can just do what she wants and you'll still run her there on time.

She’s 15! Surely even at her mums she gets up and gets to school herself. Your DH is being an idiot. He should have ensured her alarm was set - several alarms if she’s a typical teen..

I'd drop her as a one off, as a kindness, but make it clear that's what it was. Many teenagers do struggle to get up, and it's often not laziness. I appreciate you feel a bit taken for granted though - can OH do anything to help before he leaves?

It's at the time of year where they are wrecked so if it was my 16 year old who is very independent and helpful, I would have bundled them in the car and dropped them off.

Teens are running to a schedule that is not their biological clock. That's medical fact. So I would give a little.

I didn't vote because it isn't your job but having a great teen who very seldom drops the ball I know he would be very appreciative.

So from tomorrow he can make sure that she is up and downstairs at 7 when he leaves.

consequence of her lateness is the earlier start?

I leave the house an hour before my 15 and 17 year olds. I make sure they are up and I do leave them breakfast out, but otherwise it's up to them! It's no different here; they do need to learn to take responsibility and be independent. You won't be waking them when they're at uni/first job!

My 10 year old can do this. Not your problem

I am saying it's not up to me to make sure his DD is in school on time, it's his job

It’s no one’s job but the daughter’s herself.

As long as she has a key so she can lock the door if she’s the last one to leave. She’s old enough to get ready and walk to school by herself so she’s old enough to get herself up in the morning.

Not yours or your DH’s problem.

Assuming there aren’t special needs involved then 15 is well old enough to be completely responsible for getting themselves to school. If she’s late then she bears the consequences and learns from them. Beyond ensuring she has the tools to be on time (food in the house, access to an alarm, bathroom availability) you have no responsibility at all for her lateness and parents or step parents babying her isn’t going to help her become a competent adult. I might think differently if a long haul flight or vital medical appointment was on the line, but being a few minutes late for school (and presumably therefore getting a detention or similar) is not some major disaster she needs saving from. Obviously if it’s a regular problem then her Dad needs to work with her to figure out how she manages her time.

10 year olds can actually find it easier to get up than teenagers.

If your H thinks a 15 year old should be dropped off at school on the days she can't be bothered to get up on time, then he needs to adjust his own day to do that. Because had you stepped in and prevented consequences for her, it would be the first of a pattern. If your H thinks that would be OK, then he knows what to do.

They won't be once they are 14 I'm afraid....