Aibu? it's not my responsibility to make sure teen DSD gets to school

[schoolpop]

Argument with me and H this morning...

He leaves for work around 7am, I leave around an hour later at roughly 8. We also have two young kids that I have to get dressed & rally into the car and drop off at nursery.

Husbands teenage DD is staying with us this week and I always feel like H just leaves her to me in the morning. He goes off to work and I'm the one left to make sure she's got up. I leave about 10 mins before she sets off walking to school.

This morning youngest was being particularly hard work and it got to about 10 to 8 and I hadn't heard DSD get up (usually she has an alarm). I knocked on and woke her up and said come on you'll be late, time to get up.

After 10 mins I went back and knocked again, I don't think she had actually got up the first time I knocked but did the 2nd time. She was obviously then in a rush and I was walking out the door.

Basically she was late for school this morning by about 10-15 mins (it's about a 20 min walk from our house).

Husband is saying when I knew she'd got up late I should have taken her in, I am saying it's not up to me to make sure his DD is in school on time, it's his job, he needs to ensure she's set her alarm and if needs be, wake her up when he leaves. I have enough on already, I did try and wake her up twice but I'm not fussing around a 15 year old in the morning as well as two young kids whilst he swans off to work.

Her school is not exactly on my way, I would have had to detour about 5- 10 mins, traffic dependant, to drop her off and had to drop our kids off too and get to my own job.

I appreciate it's shit being late but surely at some point there has to be some accountability for making sure you have your own alarm set and are up in time for school? Or at least get up when someone says "get up now you'll be late" At what age does it become DSD or her Dad at fault for being late, not me, her step mother who did try to get her up and had a tantruming 2 year old and 4 year old to deal with as well.

He can decide whether he wants her up before he leaves or he phones her to check she’s up. The 3rd option would be he does everything for the other 2, if he wants to put this on your plate. You both have work to get to, why the fuck does he think you should be the adult who does everything for all the kids in the house before work, even the ones that aren’t yours??
I solo parent in the morning so get 3 kids out of the house to school and childcare before work. It’s a shit role to get.

At 15 she is old enough to know the consequences of her actions and she is old enough to be responsible for herself.

She is choosing not to get up so she needs to face the consequences. It is not your fault.

As long as you are treating her the same as you would your own DC at that age, then you are not doing anything wrong by DSD.

If DH is concerned, then he can make sure she is up by the time he leaves the house.

100% NOT your problem to deal with.

Your stepdaughter is in your home because your partner is her parent.

He should be the one parenting her. You already have enough on your plate with your own children.

If he doesn’t want her to be late he should be making sure she’s up before he leaves.

Kids are late for school from time
To time. At 15 she should get herself up on time, if not she takes the consequence, learns from it and doesn't do it next time. No big deal.

'his DD' weird way of putting it. yeh he's the bio parent.
youre the step parent. parent.
maybe act like it.
show some kindness. she is a child. you can be helpful and use things as a teaching moment at the same time.
im sure there are many of us adults who struggle to get up in the morning, especially with the dark mornings.
if you could have taken her then YABU to not have. you could have easily explained this is a one off.

His dd is factual, it's not OP's dd. You are yet another poster who thinks step-mothers should do more for their step-children than their actual bloody fathers!

It's never a one off. Once you allow a teen to be late once for no reason they will expect it.

I think that if youre going to be a step parent you should treat the child with an appropriate level of respect such as you would show your own children.
the DSD didn't ask for their parents to split up.
given that this hasn't been described as a daily argument it seems it would be a one of. and if its an ongoing issue thats a different story.

Respect is a two way street, if DSD doesn’t get up when OP asks her to, why should OP make herself late to work and jeopardise her job?

Actions have consequences. A detention or two, and she'll learn to get to school on time.

well done! you must have been the only teenager to have always done things the first time you were asked
glad you were a fully accountable adult at 15. thats really impressive

So you leave at 8am
She leaves 8.10
She was at least 10 minutes late... so not ready before 8.20 at earliest? And it would take you extra time...

So you and younger kids would gave been at least 30mins late?

You got her up. She's needs to take responsibility a bit.

Bonus daughter? Are you a stepparent yourself?

Really not your problem. Alerting her about the time twice is a perfectly reasonable level of effort for you to put in and I wouldn't expect any more of you than that.

I have a neurodiverse 15yo with significant anxiety issues and occasional achool refusal who is perfectly capable of setting alarms, getting everything done and leaving for school on time with minimal parental prodding if they aren't actually in the grip of a mental health crisis on the day in question. It is not an unreasonable level of expectation for a 15yo. If this 15yo needs more chivvying then DH should set an alarm on his phone to call his DD and check on her progress 40 and 20 minutes before her expected departure time. It's not your job you have enough to deal with already.

I’m not sure where the idea came from that I was suggesting taking a position of power and telling someone what to do wasn’t infantilising.

My issue is that sitting someone down to have a chat is an attempt to apply power to get them to do what you want.

If you don’t chat, how do you communicate?
Sitting was for comfort. Stand if better. But if you don’t use a minimum of power to start a conversation, how do you move forward?

Treat her as her own?
My mum would have tried to get me up and if i didn't get up i would have been late for school and paid the price when i got there with detention or whatever the sanction is.
I was not mollycoddled. If mum said i had to be ready i was ready. There was no lift if i could not get my backside out of bed. And not a chance would she have made herself late for her own job.
The child is 15. Let her take responsibility

I was responsible for getting myself to school from the age of 12. If I was late to school, I bore the repercussions, not my parents.

You seem to want OP to bear the repercussions by being late to her job, because in your words ‘DSD didn't ask for their parents to split up’.m

In that case why don’t you suggest DSD’s father make himself late to work by ensuring his dd gets to school on time?

She’s 15? That’s plenty old enough not to need adult supervision or encouragement in the mornings. Unless she has SEN?

If she can’t organise herself in the mornings and needs an adult involved, he’ll have to change his working hours so he can be the one to do that.

Edit - I should have mentioned, I have a 16 yo and she hasn’t needed any morning input for years. In fact actively discourages anyone else from getting up when she has to!

My 10 yo has SEN so not expecting to be the same so thought that was work just making sure as replies would be different (ie would be that Dad should make sure he’s about!)

im glad you got yourself to school. well done. it seems that OPs DSD usually does and handles things herself as this wasn't described as an ongoing situation.

the father leaves a lot earlier for work. and as above this appears to be a one time issue so why would he need to be around all the time for this? especially when theres an adult in the house who can help.

im sorry that youre of the viewpoint that just because a child is of the 'teen' age they dont deserve the same level or compassion as a younger child. I hope that wasn't how you were raised because that sounds quite sad.

OP asked if they ABU .

I think yes. you think no.

ive stated my reasoning and you've stated yours.

At what age does it become DSD or her Dad at fault for being late, not me, her step mother who did try to get her up and had a tantruming 2 year old and 4 year old to deal with as well

Well that's the thing-does her dad think that you were doing nothing other than rubbing your hands in glee at the thought of her being late?

Has he ever had to get two young kids ready & out the door by a certain time?

I wonder how much thought he'd be giving his teen daughter then?

I do agree that it isn't your problem and her dad should not be blaming you at all but I do feel bad for your step daughter. I have teens, they do sometimes oversleep and I have dropped them into school.

If this is a one off, I would have probably dropped her when I was dropping the younger two.

If she is going to be staying with you regularly on school days I would probably make sure she is awake earlier (yes, it isn't your responsibility but is the kind thing to do in my opinion but I do not have step children).

If Op woke her stepdaughter in time-what else was she meant to do?

You've assumed it's a one off but OP says ' I always feel like H just leaves her to me in the morning. He goes off to work and I'm the one left to make sure she's got up.'

The DH only leaves an hour before OP. He absolutely could get DD up and make her breakfast if he wanted to.

Your attitude of 'why should he be around' just says it all, you see it as the step-mum's job.

She would've been late anyway and you would've messed up your morning having to take her. If she was in primary school then of course you should make sure they're on time. But at 15 she'll just have to take whatever penalty the school doles out. It's not like she was bunking off. It's not the end of the world either way but certainly not your fault.

I see it as the job of the parent in the house
god forbid people have to look after the children in their care