Aibu? it's not my responsibility to make sure teen DSD gets to school

[schoolpop]

Argument with me and H this morning...

He leaves for work around 7am, I leave around an hour later at roughly 8. We also have two young kids that I have to get dressed & rally into the car and drop off at nursery.

Husbands teenage DD is staying with us this week and I always feel like H just leaves her to me in the morning. He goes off to work and I'm the one left to make sure she's got up. I leave about 10 mins before she sets off walking to school.

This morning youngest was being particularly hard work and it got to about 10 to 8 and I hadn't heard DSD get up (usually she has an alarm). I knocked on and woke her up and said come on you'll be late, time to get up.

After 10 mins I went back and knocked again, I don't think she had actually got up the first time I knocked but did the 2nd time. She was obviously then in a rush and I was walking out the door.

Basically she was late for school this morning by about 10-15 mins (it's about a 20 min walk from our house).

Husband is saying when I knew she'd got up late I should have taken her in, I am saying it's not up to me to make sure his DD is in school on time, it's his job, he needs to ensure she's set her alarm and if needs be, wake her up when he leaves. I have enough on already, I did try and wake her up twice but I'm not fussing around a 15 year old in the morning as well as two young kids whilst he swans off to work.

Her school is not exactly on my way, I would have had to detour about 5- 10 mins, traffic dependant, to drop her off and had to drop our kids off too and get to my own job.

I appreciate it's shit being late but surely at some point there has to be some accountability for making sure you have your own alarm set and are up in time for school? Or at least get up when someone says "get up now you'll be late" At what age does it become DSD or her Dad at fault for being late, not me, her step mother who did try to get her up and had a tantruming 2 year old and 4 year old to deal with as well.

My mum would not have taken me in if she tried to get me up twice and i didn't get up.
This is not about her being a step child.

The fact they are a step child is neither here nor there for me. Zero chance of me prompting a 15 year old and spoon feeding them every step of the way. Surely they know when they have PE?! Plus OP is busy enough in the morning, with younger children who actually need her help. If the husband is that fussed he can do it, sounds like he would actually rather OP do it all

It is irrelevant that she is a step child. She is 15 !

If a teen that ordinarily gets up well and under her own steam was woken twice and STILL didn't get up on time, I'd assume something was wrong. She's under the weather, or had trouble sleeping, or stayed up too late pissing about on her phone. In all three of those scenarios, she needs a bit of parenting. Leaving her to her own devices isn't teaching her responsibility if she's unwell or not able to sleep. If she's not managing her own sleep well enough, then again, she's being left to her own devices too much.

If the teen DOESN'T ordinarily get up and out on her own steam and this is a regular thing, then again, the answer is parenting.

All roads lead back to you don't just stop parenting your child when they're 15. They still need our support.

If it was my husband, and he'd slept through two wake ups, I'd firstly be concerned, and I'd help him get his day back on track if I could.

This morning, I properly lost my glasses. Can't see or drive without them. My son - who is also 15 - missed his first bus to help me look for them. The later one means he has to power walk/jog to college at the other end in order not to be late, but he did it. I didn't ask him to. He just offered. Because he knows I'd do the same thing for him.

I don't think it's OK to treat our teenagers in a way we wouldn't treat our partners or want to be treated ourselves because 'they need to learn to look after themselves'. How about teaching them that people that love each other, support each other? We moan that teens are selfish and self-centred, but what are we teaching them when it doesn't enter our heads to help them out when they're in a pickle?

All this said, it's entirely possible - and indeed likely - that if I had 2 little ones, I probably wouldn't have thought to help an older one if I was in the OP's situation. You have your routines, it's stressful, and if the DSD normally sorts herself out, you just kind of assume that will happen.

So there's every chance I'd have sailed out of the house and left her too.

But what I wouldn't have done is got defensive when my husband pulled me up on it, and taken to a forum about it. I'd have gone, yeah, you know what, you're right. I could have. I didn't think. I am SO sorrry.

But what I wouldn't have done is got defensive when my husband pulled me up on it, and taken to a forum about it. I'd have gone, yeah, you know what, you're right. I could have. I didn't think. I am SO sorrry.

When your husband scolds you about the parenting decisions you make in his absence you immediately just apologize and tell him you were wrong? Really? His judgement overrides yours even when he’s not there?

How bizarre.

OP says she was rushing round when she checked.
So she wasn't unwell
So no, i would not have taken her

Cool.

But like I said, in our house, we help each other. Even if the mess we are in is entirely our own fault.

If it was a one off bad morning, I'd take her to college. If it was a regular thing, I'd work out a strategy with her to help her get up on time - earlier bed? Physical alarm clock you have to get up and out of bed to stop making a godawful racket? I've done both of these with my own teen, because he isn't great in the morning and that's how you learn to take responsibility. Someone gives you the tools.

It's not about age, or whether the child is biologically yours or not. It's about the family culture you want to foster. In our house, we have each other's backs, and it's very much a two way street. My son is not a saint, at all, he's a verrrrry annoying teenager, but he cooks for us a couple of nights a week and will help me with anything I ask him to, and usually cheerfully. I genuinely don't understand why you wouldn't help a family member if they had messed up. It baffles me. If my husband was rushing around because he was late when I checked on him, I'd ask if he needed a hand. If I could give him a lift, I would.

If I'm wrong, yeah. Because I'd stop to think and realise that yeah, that decision wasn't my greatest. It's not immediately demurring, or his judgement always over-riding mine. That's a massive conclusion to leap to.

And the whole tone of the OP's post is off.

If I was her husband and it was me...

If I had left my husband and my 15-year old daughter at 7am to go to work, and my husband didn't think it was 'his job' to help my daughter as well as our bio kids...

If he thought I shouldn't 'swan off' to work at that time if my daughter needs any help from me at that time of day, because he doesn't see parenting her as 'his job', honestly?

I'd question my marriage.

My husband is step-dad to my son, who is the same age. I would be furious if he told me that everything to do with my son is 'up to me' as it isn't 'his job'. He married both of us. We're all each other's jobs now.

She wasn’t wrong, though. She made sure the teen was awake, moving quickly and was headed out the door to school - the teenager was going to be late to a single lesson, not missing a whole day or late to her exams or going to face long-term repercussions. Deciding whether to save a teen from a very mild, proportional natural consequence for a choice or let them experience it is a judgement call parents have to make. OP’s choice wasn’t unreasonable or neglectful and many of us would have done the same, even if DH - like you - might have gone the other way (which would also have been entirely reasonable if he were the one there making the decision and giving the lift).

What isn’t ok is for OP’s DH to treat her like unpaid help there to single-handedly follow his instructions, be chided when she doesn’t guess his wishes, and be allowed to exercise zero authority or judgement of her own. OP is right, if DH wants to get to be the one to unilaterally decide how much and what sort of reminders & assistance the teenage daughter gets in the morning or what happens when DD oversleeps (or forgets her PE kit or anything else that she’s old enough to do) then he also needs take responsibility for helping to get her up and out the door. He doesn’t get to dump all of the work off on his wife and keep all of the authority, which is what he’s currently doing.

People love to complain when step-parents get frustrated and throw their hands up and say “you’re supposed to treat them like your own DC of course it’s a parents’ job”

But these things are also parts of parents’ jobs:
-telling kids what they need to have ready at night for the next morning and when to go to bed or get off their devices so they’re not to exhausted to get up
-setting expectations for what a teen needs to be doing independently in the morning and deciding what is an age-appropriate level of reminding, monitoring & assisting
-determining consequences when teens don’t meet those set expectations, and deciding when to shield them from some or all natural consequences for their choices

If step-parents are excluded from these things while being told to do the grunt-work then they’re not being asked to treat the DSC like their own or show parental responsibility, they’re just being expected to be unpaid housekeepers and butlers for their step-kids and partners.

As a one off I'd have taken her if she was going to be late, or at least dropped her off closer to school.

This 1000%.

Agree that on many counts 15 year old needs to get her self ready but at the same time she is 15!!! And a child who needs some love and attention. You said “this week “ she is with you so other times she with Mum. Being pushed around here and there with her routine out of sync. Agree she’s old enough but I’d cut her some slack. Also think your DH should get her up in the morning. Doesn’t seem like this happens (being late) often perhaps a calm kind word that you can have with her as parents would go a long way.

No it was her responsibility to get up. As it was you went twice to get her up. She then chose to leave 10 minutes late effectively, she could have omitted some of her morning routine and left on time.