Aibu? it's not my responsibility to make sure teen DSD gets to school

[schoolpop]

Argument with me and H this morning...

He leaves for work around 7am, I leave around an hour later at roughly 8. We also have two young kids that I have to get dressed & rally into the car and drop off at nursery.

Husbands teenage DD is staying with us this week and I always feel like H just leaves her to me in the morning. He goes off to work and I'm the one left to make sure she's got up. I leave about 10 mins before she sets off walking to school.

This morning youngest was being particularly hard work and it got to about 10 to 8 and I hadn't heard DSD get up (usually she has an alarm). I knocked on and woke her up and said come on you'll be late, time to get up.

After 10 mins I went back and knocked again, I don't think she had actually got up the first time I knocked but did the 2nd time. She was obviously then in a rush and I was walking out the door.

Basically she was late for school this morning by about 10-15 mins (it's about a 20 min walk from our house).

Husband is saying when I knew she'd got up late I should have taken her in, I am saying it's not up to me to make sure his DD is in school on time, it's his job, he needs to ensure she's set her alarm and if needs be, wake her up when he leaves. I have enough on already, I did try and wake her up twice but I'm not fussing around a 15 year old in the morning as well as two young kids whilst he swans off to work.

Her school is not exactly on my way, I would have had to detour about 5- 10 mins, traffic dependant, to drop her off and had to drop our kids off too and get to my own job.

I appreciate it's shit being late but surely at some point there has to be some accountability for making sure you have your own alarm set and are up in time for school? Or at least get up when someone says "get up now you'll be late" At what age does it become DSD or her Dad at fault for being late, not me, her step mother who did try to get her up and had a tantruming 2 year old and 4 year old to deal with as well.

Would dropping her off have made you late for work?

A lot of people find it easier to get up than others. For those who don't find it easy, well that's unfortunate, isn't it? We all have to get up in the morning and get to where we need to be on time, and healthy teens just have to force themselves like everyone else or face the consequences. If people want to treat teenagers as extra special people to whom rules don't apply then they're welcome to. But they shouldn't expect their partners to do it for them.

You got her up.

She presumably usually gets herself to school and has her own key?

Maybe if your husband is so worried he can get her up before he leaves then he knows she is up.

I wouldn't be dropping her off if you live in walking distance of her school and it would have made you late.

God knows I've done enough shouting at teens to get ready in my time.

Husband is saying when I knew she'd got up late I should have taken her in, I am saying it's not up to me to make sure his DD is in school on time, it's his job, he needs to ensure she's set her alarm and if needs be, wake her up when he leaves. I have enough on already, I did try and wake her up twice but I'm not fussing around a 15 year old in the morning as well as two young kids whilst he swans off to work

No its his job to ensure his child gets to school on time. You called for a twice and chased her to get up but if he wants more than that he needs to pay for a taxi service or take responsibility for his own child.

Does he not share taking the younger children out in the mornings or are you just his default child manager every day?

Me too. We’re a team in our family, whether it’s our children or stepchildren involved. The child should have got up when she was first knocked on though. If you’re struggling as a teenager to get yourself up and to school it doesn’t show much independence and self reliance.

Not sure why my comment illicited such a reaction tbh.

My 15 year old has no problem getting himself up and ready. My 17 year old can be more problematic - which is why he is getting a particularly annoying alarm clock for Christmas - but he would only need one reminder to get up.

Definitely not your problem. She could get up at the time you DH leaves, so if anyone needs to get her up it should be him.

You told her to get up twice whilst getting yourself and two small children (one of whom is a toddler) out of the house. If that's not good enough for your dh then he needs to start pulling his weight in the mornings and get the kids up and ready for the day before he leaves for work.

Is this a frequent occurrence or was it a one-off?
If she oversleeps a lot I can understand it can get annoying.
However if it’s a one off I wonder if you treat her in the same way as you would your DH if he overslept? You are expecting adult behaviour from a teenager (whose brain is partially re-wiring and whose circadian rhythm has temporarily shifted) so obviously she gets the same respect as an adult too.
If adult behaviour is expected from her perhaps you and DH could sit down with her hand have a conversation giving her the same respect you would to an adult and work out a way forward.
If that doesn’t seem to fit the situation maybe the issue isn’t with her oversleeping but something else which is going on that you’re uncomfortable with.

I'm responding to your view that a 15 year old might find it particularly difficult to get up. I'm saying, so what really? It's tough. Our world is set up in a way that makes it necessary that we get up whether we want to or not. Teenagers aren't exceptions that justify the OP having to facilitate her.

You already do his 50% share of the morning responsibilities for his kids with you. Why should the 100% of his responsibility to his other child also fall to you?

If my child overslept, I would go to the inconvenience of a 5-10 minute detour to give them a lift. It’s hardly a massive favour. Therefore I would do the same for a step DC.

If being late was a regular issue (assuming no additional needs), then I wouldn’t unless there was a genuine reason for being tired on that occasion eg a late night for a school event or insomnia.

I wouldn't get any of my teens up. I occasionally them give them a knock. But that is very much it. Important for independence.

Any chance you could change your hours - even if it's just for a month or two so that your DH has to get his kids up and out in the morning instead of it falling to you?

Perhaps if he was aware of the issues that the parent with the kids faces trying to get them ready in the morning, he wouldn't come out with such shite comments about it being your responsibility to get a stepchild out of bed and to school all while trying to get yourself to work too.

He's a bit of a gobshite isn't he?

Also bear in mind the OP leaves the house 10mins before the Sdd anyways. So at her usual point of leaving the house, the Sdd was not late, and the OP wasn't to know Sdd wasn't still going to leave in 10mins

I would tell him if he wants to head off without a thought in the morning and leave his DD in my care she will get looked after as I see fit, and being late for school is the natural consequence of not getting up and getting a move on when woken after sleeping through her alarm. If he wants to baby her he can stay home and do it himself.

He doesn’t get to order you to do things just because you’re there. You’re a partner, not his servant.

YANBU, my nieces are younger than her and get themselves up and ready for school.

Tell DH that he needs to get her up before he leaves for work because you won't be waking her up again.

It’s not your responsibility but it’s not his either. It’s hers.

It’s harsh but the only way mine have learned not to forget something/ be on time is when I let them be late/forget whatever it is.

There’s a weekly schedule on the fridge and my job is to ensure it’s up to date. I will
help you beyond that, but I won’t do your shit for you.

YANBU - 15 year olds must take accountability .

Tough love - she will be late / detention etc. I is a life lesson - late for work , disciplined (jobless potentially)

I know I'm in the minority here, but I would've taken her to school.

I would then have you and your DH to speak to her about her tardiness. I hate this demarcation talk when it comes to Step children. She's your bonus daughter and you should treat her as you would your own. She's 15, and I'm assuming she's a good kid in other ways. Its end of term, kids are tired. She's obviously wrecked. Talk out a plan for mornings going forward and tell her that you cant have this happen again.

Have I misunderstood what you’re proposing here?

If an adult you lived with overslept a lot, you’d sit down with them and work out a way forward? I would consider that infantilising, not giving respect.

His child his responsibility he can drop her off tomorrow and that way she will learn. Not your issue. She’s a teenager she can get herself up.

I have children and I leave at a certain time and they get a lift to school if they are on time else they sort themselves out.

I can't imagine you were all creeping around either, she can't have slept through it! Now she knows you won't give her a lift I'm sure she will be up earlier.

I lived with someone at uni whose mum used to phone her mobile to wake her up for lectures and her part time job, it was madness

Has he ever had the pleasure of wrangling the two little kids out of the house to nursery and then going on to work? I suggest he does so for a week and then sees how willing he’d be to also monitor a 15-year-old getting out of the house too.

Presumably going out of your way to give her a lift and make sure she wasn’t late would have made YOU late, even though you’d done your part in getting everyone everywhere. DSD needs to take responsibility for getting to school on time, DH needs to do some dadding to ensure she does.