Aibu? it's not my responsibility to make sure teen DSD gets to school

[schoolpop]

Argument with me and H this morning...

He leaves for work around 7am, I leave around an hour later at roughly 8. We also have two young kids that I have to get dressed & rally into the car and drop off at nursery.

Husbands teenage DD is staying with us this week and I always feel like H just leaves her to me in the morning. He goes off to work and I'm the one left to make sure she's got up. I leave about 10 mins before she sets off walking to school.

This morning youngest was being particularly hard work and it got to about 10 to 8 and I hadn't heard DSD get up (usually she has an alarm). I knocked on and woke her up and said come on you'll be late, time to get up.

After 10 mins I went back and knocked again, I don't think she had actually got up the first time I knocked but did the 2nd time. She was obviously then in a rush and I was walking out the door.

Basically she was late for school this morning by about 10-15 mins (it's about a 20 min walk from our house).

Husband is saying when I knew she'd got up late I should have taken her in, I am saying it's not up to me to make sure his DD is in school on time, it's his job, he needs to ensure she's set her alarm and if needs be, wake her up when he leaves. I have enough on already, I did try and wake her up twice but I'm not fussing around a 15 year old in the morning as well as two young kids whilst he swans off to work.

Her school is not exactly on my way, I would have had to detour about 5- 10 mins, traffic dependant, to drop her off and had to drop our kids off too and get to my own job.

I appreciate it's shit being late but surely at some point there has to be some accountability for making sure you have your own alarm set and are up in time for school? Or at least get up when someone says "get up now you'll be late" At what age does it become DSD or her Dad at fault for being late, not me, her step mother who did try to get her up and had a tantruming 2 year old and 4 year old to deal with as well.

At 15 I was getting the train to school 😬

This. I don’t even do this for my own kids who I squeezed out, let alone for a DSC! Mine are 14 & 15, and set their alarms, make their own breakfasts, pack their own lunches, pack their own PE kits on PE days, and walk themselves to the bus stop. If I see that they’ve slept in, sure, I open their doors and tell them to get up, but I’m certainly not chasing them around the house with a running checklist of what they need to do. And if DH expected me to do this, I’d tell him to leave for work later—he can chase them around like a walking checklist if he wants to; I’m certainly not doing it.

I didn't really get that impression. I think the issue is that the OP's biological children are much younger, so she is busy in the mornings and has to be as they are too young to do much for themselves as yet. That workload is unavoidable but anything extra added by the teenager isn't. A 15 year old shouldn't need hand holding in the morning, and if she does, her Dad should be carrying at least some of the load as the OP already has a busy schedule. My children would have got short shrift if they'd expected me to remind them to take stuff to school in their mid teens and if I'd had any stepchildren they'd have been treated exactly the same. And if DH had felt more needed doing for them in the morning he'd have done it himself. The OP's husband doesn't sound to be doing anything other than criticise her.

If that’s the case, then that’s reasonable. It’s just not how it came across to me. To me, OP sounded resentful at the fact that she’s being expected to step-mother her step-child, but I can understand if it’s simply a case of “you’re old enough to do it yourself.” If that is the case, OP needs to make that clear with SDD, DH and DH’s exW before any resentment grows.

I don’t step-mother my teen DSC. I am an adult on the house where they often stay, but I’m not their parent and I’m not responsible for them.

No one expects me to either - there are no set step-parenting rules, families work out things in their own ways.

I mean if it works for your family and it’s something you’re all happy with, that’s great. But it’s clearly not working for OP’s family as her DH does expect her to step-parent. Everyone has to be on the same page.

My DH used to expect it too, mainly just when it suited him, but it’s not my responsibility.

Just because her husband expects it doesn't mean it has to happen!

He can make sure that she has everything ready the night before.

Yep he needs to work this one out

The oldest two of my 7 are teen DSC. I love being a step-parent, I would have been perfectly content if those were the only two we had. And I 100% see OP’s frustration here.

Step-parents sometimes get only the shite bits of parenting no one wants without any of the actual rights and authority. Saying OP needs to treat the DSC like she would a non-step child is all great and dandy, but that means OP gets to make requirements for their preparation the night beforehand, set expectations for what a teenager is expected to do independently, “get on” a teen who isn’t doing what they’re supposed to and warn them of impending consequences (and hand out those consequences when necessary) and make decisions like letting the teen be 10 minutes late to school as a natural consequence to going back to sleep twice after being woken.

Expecting a step-parent to do only the grunt work doesn’t work. It doesn’t work for the step-parent who ends up feeling like unpaid household staff to a child who knows the staff works for them, it doesn’t work for the step-children who need adults in the home to have established roles and authority, and it doesn’t work for any additional children who end up experiencing a completely different home within the home… “why do I have to do what mum says but my sister doesn’t? Why are the rules so different for me?”

If OP is going to be the parent in charge of mornings in the home then she needs to be able to set expectations for what everyone else gets done & prepped the night before and for the teen’s responsibilities getting themselves up, and then when she makes a basic parenting decision like letting a teen experience an extremely mild consequence after going back to sleep she should be backed up by her partner instead of scolded.

These are very valid points.

I'd be asking DH at what age he would expect her to take responsibility for herself, because putting this off isn't helping her, your other children, your job or frankly your marriage.

It's not your responsibility either, so if he feels so strongly about it, ask him to make arrangements so he can take her to school himself.

Alternatively, he could stop being a tit about it.

Exactly! This is also how op came across to me.

I have a now 26 year old with a neurological disability and I never had to remind him to get up, remember PE kit, etc. I also have a 16 year old and again, never had to remind him to get up or remember kits. He is in boarding school now but only since Y9 so he has even less hand holding and have to be responsible for yourself.

I think it’s madness that the husband expects op to help in this way while he swans off to work, and I certainly wouldn’t be doing this with my own kids so DSD also won’t be getting this hands on treatment.

I’d tell him where to shove it and if he doesn’t like it, do it himself! it’s all well and good saying why didn’t you do this and that yet he’s not there to do any of these things. The cheek of him!

My 12&15 year olds are left home alone 2 days a week from 7:15. Usually the 12 year olds is up and getting ready. I insist I can see the 15 year old up and out of bed when I leave - or at least acknowledging she is awake. I then go to work and they get themselves to school. Maybe your DH should do this before he leaves. Makes sure she’s up at least?? Maybe ask him to do that in future?

My 12 year old leaves a good half an hour before 15 year old to meet friends. 15 year old finds it harder to get up. On my work days 15 year old pushes time boundary and I end up giving lifts. But for college next year they will have to be up and out by 7:30 which will not be fun!! lol.

In our house we help each other, regardless of age. If my son - or step-son - was running late one day, I'd help him.

He helps me if I'm in a jam.

You helped 2 of the 3 children in the house that morning. 15-year olds can take responsibility for themselves, yes, but you acknowledge that she does: she usually sets an alarm. Today, it all went a bit wrong for whatever reason. She's not perfect. No one is.

I'm with your husband. You could have been more helpful. Yes, fussing around after kids before work is stressful. But it's part of being a mother.

Where’s the joint responsibility you mention in this case? The dp thinks it’s the ops job, along with her own children.

I think your morning routine needs to change so that the burden is more evenly shared between the 2 parents. Your H should be contributing far more than he currently seems to be. This doesn't necessarily mean he should take on more responsibility for DSD. It could mean he does more to get the younger 2 ready.

And if that means he needs to apply for a flexible work arrangement so that he starts work later then so be it.

I'd just say it's too much with the other dc your dh needs to sort something else out. How dare he be pissed at you when you are helping him out

Probably going against the grain here, but I feel if you’ve gone into this relationship knowing he has a child, and what the arrangements are, then there’s no reason you can’t help.

She is 15 not 25; still a child, albeit not YOUR child. I think it’s incredibly cruel not to drop her off - 5 mins out of your way to do a nice thing for a child who happens to have struggled to get up for one day? Really?

How would you feel if someone treated your children like that in 10 years time or so? Happy? Understanding? Oh but it’s their own responsibility right?

The teen did not just forget to set an alarm.
She was woken twice and still did not get up on time.
Where do you draw the line?

I don’t think as a one off, it would have hurt you to run her in - imagine being in her shoes, you are with her dad, she is like your child too!

This girl is getting lots of stick poor kid. If it was your own child you’d be annoyed but take them in. Don’t step kids come as a package ?! Not saying your husband shouldn’t share the school runs, or she shouldn’t be able to get herself up, but it seems everyone is missing a point here.
Doing a great job making her feel sidelined!

Glad someone else of the same view! ( cross posted)

Can't speak for the OP but all of mine were expected to get themselves out of bed and ready for school in time, not rely on us to drag them out of bed and make ourselves late for work.

As PP point out - 15 is old enough to be taking responsibility for their own behaviour and detention for being late is a pretty harmless level of learning to take responsibility. Its just absurd, the extent to which teens are "protected" from the consequences of their own behaviour, even when the consequence is minimal. How on earth are they supposed to learn if then never experience consequences?

For a 15yo, Social Services expect you to provide access to food, a washing machine and somewhere to sleep.

You did do something - you banged on the door and reminded them they were going to be late. The kinder side of me might have brought them a drink or asked if they needed help with anything but otherwise they need to learn the consequences of not getting up on time. It was the very rare occasion that my Mum got in the car and drove to overtake the bus for school (usually if it went early or I'd just missed it). Otherwise I just had to get the next one and hope it got me there on time.