Aibu? it's not my responsibility to make sure teen DSD gets to school

[schoolpop]

Argument with me and H this morning...

He leaves for work around 7am, I leave around an hour later at roughly 8. We also have two young kids that I have to get dressed & rally into the car and drop off at nursery.

Husbands teenage DD is staying with us this week and I always feel like H just leaves her to me in the morning. He goes off to work and I'm the one left to make sure she's got up. I leave about 10 mins before she sets off walking to school.

This morning youngest was being particularly hard work and it got to about 10 to 8 and I hadn't heard DSD get up (usually she has an alarm). I knocked on and woke her up and said come on you'll be late, time to get up.

After 10 mins I went back and knocked again, I don't think she had actually got up the first time I knocked but did the 2nd time. She was obviously then in a rush and I was walking out the door.

Basically she was late for school this morning by about 10-15 mins (it's about a 20 min walk from our house).

Husband is saying when I knew she'd got up late I should have taken her in, I am saying it's not up to me to make sure his DD is in school on time, it's his job, he needs to ensure she's set her alarm and if needs be, wake her up when he leaves. I have enough on already, I did try and wake her up twice but I'm not fussing around a 15 year old in the morning as well as two young kids whilst he swans off to work.

Her school is not exactly on my way, I would have had to detour about 5- 10 mins, traffic dependant, to drop her off and had to drop our kids off too and get to my own job.

I appreciate it's shit being late but surely at some point there has to be some accountability for making sure you have your own alarm set and are up in time for school? Or at least get up when someone says "get up now you'll be late" At what age does it become DSD or her Dad at fault for being late, not me, her step mother who did try to get her up and had a tantruming 2 year old and 4 year old to deal with as well.

It was a one off I have no Idea why you are projecting so much.

She is a teen they are all worn out with exams and a long term. Honestly thankfully the next gen appears a bit more chilled.

I'm going by what OP says: "I always feel like H just leaves her to me in the morning. He goes off to work and I'm the one left to make sure she's got up."

If it truly was a one off, OP wouldn't be posting on Mumsnet about it.

I would be (calmly but firmly) informing my DH that I will not ever be blamed or made responsible for anything DSD does and that he vented his annoyance on entirely the wrong person this morning, which is unacceptable and unfair. It pays to nip this shit in the bud ime, you have enough on your plate and he has no business assuming you will fill in the gaps in his parenting of DSD.

Unfortunately OP's employer is not going to be 'chilled' if OP is frequently late to work.

Hence OP waking up DSD but letting her make her own way to school was the right decision.

Any 15 year old who can't get out of bed needs a detention to teach them. I had a Saturday job at that age nobody got me up or drove me it was a 40 minute walk to be there at 8.30.
It's not your problem you woke her

They're probably so chilled because they don't have to think for themselves, or take responsibility for their actions as they know there will be somebody to enable their behaviour.

Hard no. If you took her in this morning she’d be lying in every morning knowing she has the safety net if you driving her. She need to sort out getting up in the morning and if it’s too hard, she needs to go to bed earlier.

Actually her Dad should be imposing an early night tonight. Bed by 9 and lights out.

Also not that unusual. Most teenagers will have to be up at 7.00 or earlier if they want any breakfast before walking to the bus stop in our area. Mine had to be out of the house by 7.45 at the very latest and the bus picks up at about 4 places before us so it will be significantly earlier for pupils getting on at the first stop. None of mine ever missed the bus more than once in the 7 years they each made the journey. They're not babies who need pandering to by the time they're secondary school pupils.

There is a child who, although not yours, is part of your family unit in your home under your care.

Teenagers are a pain and sometimes need a kick up the arse to get them into school on time. In time your dc will be just as painful at times!

You agreed she would be there when your dh wasn't and you therefore assume the in loco parentis role so it is petty not to follow through with/cherry pick within that.

If you don't want to be responsible for the child make it clear to your dh so he can take leave/adjust his hours to do the job. The consequence of that is he has less flexibility/using annual leave that you might prefer to use doing something else which seems silly when there is an adult around who could give her a prod.

She said she feels, not it is the lived reality. You really are reading a lot into it

do you still cook their dinner, do their washing?
or are they old enough to do these things for themselves as well?

There is literally nothing saying that! Great creative writing though

clearly not open to it or she'd be doing it

What does doing it mean in your eyes?

step parent

OP literally says she would have been late to work had she dropped DSD to school.

Do you think employers like employees being late to work?

Yes, exactly, the step-parent, not the parent.

She's a 15yo school kid. If she's late she's late. Does anyone care? Does she get detention. I'm getting old but I would not give that a second thought. Mind you I wagged so much it was well kown by the teachers, they let me be as I was always top of the of the class. 15 minutes - geez at least she turned up . Tell her to say she twisted her ankle, and make her hobble all day.

known

At 15 she should be responsible for getting herself to school, YANBU.

step parent is just the term to mean she isn't the bio mum.
if she doesnt want to care for the child dont allow her into the home knowing full well when her DH works.
she's a child in the house, OP is the parent/guardian.
its not an absurd view to think OP could be supportive in getting a child ready. im not saying bathe and dress them. im not suggesting OP make her a full English each morning with fresh OJ.

Yes, exactly, OP isn't the bio mum. She does not have parental rights.

OP works too. You seem to repeatedly prioritise the DH's work over OPs.

You can communicate in a lot of different ways and chatting is hopefully at the top of that list. But the phrase “sitting [someone] down to discuss” is normally used to indicate that you are insisting on a conversation - and that’s the issue. (I’m with you that the sitting is not important - I don’t think either of us have implied that it is).

Sitting someone down is something someone with power does to someone with less power. You don’t sit your boss down for a chat, they sit you down. No puipl sits their teacher down for a chat, that works the other way.

The infantilising bit of “sitting [someone] down to discuss” is the assumption that it’s your place to tell someone else how they ought to be dealing with/doing something. It isn’t a conversation of equals, it’s you insisting that someone else talk to you about something and you assuming that it’s your any of your business.

Respectful would be assuming they have autonomy and will adress their getting up late if they want to. Respectful would be offering help if they are interested. Not using power, however minimal, to push them into a conversation about it.

adoptive parents are the bio parent, neither are foster carers, surrogacy isn't always bio.
if you dont want to look after a child dont allow them into your home.
ive just stated that the guardian in the house should be supportive/caring/helpful.

Very true.