Aibu? it's not my responsibility to make sure teen DSD gets to school

[schoolpop]

Argument with me and H this morning...

He leaves for work around 7am, I leave around an hour later at roughly 8. We also have two young kids that I have to get dressed & rally into the car and drop off at nursery.

Husbands teenage DD is staying with us this week and I always feel like H just leaves her to me in the morning. He goes off to work and I'm the one left to make sure she's got up. I leave about 10 mins before she sets off walking to school.

This morning youngest was being particularly hard work and it got to about 10 to 8 and I hadn't heard DSD get up (usually she has an alarm). I knocked on and woke her up and said come on you'll be late, time to get up.

After 10 mins I went back and knocked again, I don't think she had actually got up the first time I knocked but did the 2nd time. She was obviously then in a rush and I was walking out the door.

Basically she was late for school this morning by about 10-15 mins (it's about a 20 min walk from our house).

Husband is saying when I knew she'd got up late I should have taken her in, I am saying it's not up to me to make sure his DD is in school on time, it's his job, he needs to ensure she's set her alarm and if needs be, wake her up when he leaves. I have enough on already, I did try and wake her up twice but I'm not fussing around a 15 year old in the morning as well as two young kids whilst he swans off to work.

Her school is not exactly on my way, I would have had to detour about 5- 10 mins, traffic dependant, to drop her off and had to drop our kids off too and get to my own job.

I appreciate it's shit being late but surely at some point there has to be some accountability for making sure you have your own alarm set and are up in time for school? Or at least get up when someone says "get up now you'll be late" At what age does it become DSD or her Dad at fault for being late, not me, her step mother who did try to get her up and had a tantruming 2 year old and 4 year old to deal with as well.

If getting up late was a one-off then I would have given her a lift if it didn't make anyone else late. Teenagers need a bit of leeway sometimes as they don't always get things right so I would have helped her if it avoided her being marked as late

Well he treats you like the in house support human then doesn't he.

Entitled prick.

The switch went for our 14 year old last week. Years of giving his morning routine no thought at all as he does all his jobs, gets ready, completes homework etc with no input needed… to him oversleep 3 times last week. I thought I had got the time wrong when I saw him mooch last in his pjs 10 mins before his bus was due!

Step-child is a bit of a red herring - I treat my own teens in the same way. They know what time they need to be up and where they need to get to. It's on them if they are late. Get up on time or face the consequences.

Such angst over being late once. She won't do it again.

However, we can all oversleep so a knock on the door if you haven't seen her by a certain time wouldn't go amiss.

I don’t see treating someone with respect as infantilising. In fact I find taking a position of power and dictating what someone should do as infantilising.

If I want someone to behave as a respectful adult I treat them respectfully as an adult. Treat someone as a child and you get childish behaviour. In normal situations your own behaviour tends to direct the response you get.

Strictly speaking it is not your problem- however I assume due to timings you knew she would be late without a lift?

Im assuming this lift would not have made you late for work as surely your own husband would not have expected you both to be late?

If you have a child living under your roof part time I don’t think you can realistically absolve yourself of all responsibility for that child

If he thinks she needs that level of parenting he needs to stay home and make sure she gets to school

At 15, I would probably give her a shout to get her up, but after that it’s up to her.

It sounds like this was a one off.

The kind thing to do would’ve been to offer her a lift. ‘I’m leaving at x time, do you want a lift?’

If this is a regular occurrence, then of course she needs to learn.

Hopefully whatever sanction the school put in place for her being late will teach her not to be late in future.
if he wants to fuss over a 15 year old then he can crack on, you’ve got enough to do.

Could I skip of to work knowing that one of my children are in bed and going to be late? No I couldn’t

It’s double standards - you are the adult here and it’s ridiculous to pull the step mother card out

fgs she’s a 15yo child and it’s not her fault you had two young ones to get ready

I have a 15 year old, and also remember the joy of rattling round my dad's house with my stepmother running her usual routine around me whilst dad was at work. I feel for the 15 year old tbh. My 15 year old can get themselves up and fed and out to school, but I make sure they're up for breakfast and eat with everyone else, because they're part of my family.

It looks like no-one, i.e. her dad, thought to tell her the family's expectations - down for breakfast by x time, out the door by y time if you want a lift. It's not on the OP to sort, but the 15 year old is still learning to live in your house and its routine, someone needed to tell her how mornings work for you. Poor kid.

You were busy with two small children so it’s reasonable for the 15 year old to get themselves up. I probably would have shouted a lot more to get her moving if this was a one off but wouldn’t have driven her in. Not a big deal being late once - she’ll learn! But you DH is being unreasonable.

Have a 15yo. They're mostly ok at getting up and getting on with it but some days need more prompting/help than others. It's absolutely parental responsibility to ensure they're at school on time imo. And rightly or wrongly your dh is leaving you in loco parentis, so yup, agree with him it's your responsibility.

But as a minimum your dh needs to start waking her up before he leaves.

Her own fault! You did what you could around your 2 small DC. Talk to her tonight, make sure she gets everything ready before bed and sets an alarm. Tell DH to get off his high horse and ensure she is ready the night before and calling her phone to get her up in time himself.

That obviously makes sense in terms of general parenting, but the added complication here (assuming it's a state school) is that the parents (potentially including OP as a person with day-to-day care of DSD, if that's how the council choose to view it) are legally responsible for getting a 15 year old to school on time.

OP might not be aware of exactly how many times DSD has been late when staying with her mum, so it may be that this is a bigger issue than just a one-off lateness incident.

Still not OP's fault and clearly a lack of communication/planning on DH's part, but it could potentially become something OP gets dragged into if things end up being escalated with the school/EWO, etc.

15 year olds respond really well to incentives. If you take them in when they get up late, that is a massive incentive to get up late. If they get a detention, on the other hand, they probably won’t be late again.

High expectations is key, here, and that means actually believing that they can look after themselves. Some 15 year olds are already full time carers for others.

However this gets resolved, I'd encourage OP to be prepared for him to continue to expect her to do all the heavy lifting when it comes their own children, too.

YANBU at all.
What time do the 2 & 4 year olds wake up? Does he do anything for them before he leaves for work eg check their nursery bags are ready, get out breakfast stuff, etc?

at 15 the only person responsible for getting themselves somewhere on time is that person.

If you start taking away their own responsibility by knocking on their door, taking them to school in the car - they will just rely on other people instead

Wouldn't it have been easier to give her a quick wake up call when you got up yourself, so she could get up earlier? Why leave it until 10 to 8?

My children have alarms, sometimes theyl sleep through them. It doesn't take a lot of effort to pop your head around the door and give them a wake up shout as soon as it's time for them to get up.

Would you feel the same way about it if she was your own child?

Perhaps her Dad should wake hr at 7 when he leaves?

If it was my DC o would have taken them in to work

She is 15, she needs to get herself up and ready