. . . to be annoyed at these parents?

[BananaBreadstick]

Booked DD's 6th birthday party in our local church hall. I paid for a chocolate/sweet-making class for twenty kids; all parents confirmed they'd be going - great.

As people started to arrive, I noticed there were some older children arriving too, clearly siblings of the party attendees, but I was too involved with greetings and helping the chocolate workshop people set up to worry about if.

When the chocolate class started, I was busy in the kitchen getting food sorted for when the children had finished, so I didn't realise that the older children all lined up to collect chocolate-making supplies and joined in the class. The chocolate guys came up to me after, quite apologetically, and said that 25 kids had taken part, so there would be a balancing payment for the extra children. They'd told me this in advance - the package was for 20 but any extra would be £10 per child - and that was fine by me, as I didn't anticipate there would be any extra children! I reassured them that it was fine, not their fault, and I'd settle the balance, but I'm really annoyed at the parents who, firstly, didn't ask if it was okay for siblings to come, and secondly allowed them to take part in the activity. I even had to stop three of the older kids taking party bags as I only had one spare.

AIBU or is this just incredibly rude of the parents? If they'd asked in advance if siblings could come, I would have explained that the activity was chargeable per child so I was limited on numbers for that, but the siblings would be welcome to attend and have a slice of cake if the parents didn't have childcare. But to not even give me a heads-up . . .

The issue is when bringing extra kids results in significant extra work for the organisers or extra expense to accomodate them. It is not like leading a walk where if someone brings along a +1 it makes little to no difference to the leadership task.

So so rude. I'm a single parent and on occasions have had to bring along my youngest to a party her Brother has been invited to. But I would always check with the parent, would never expect a party bag or food for my youngest and if for instance it's soft play I have paid for my youngest to go in.
I did have this happen to me when my Son had his last party in primary school. He had a laser tag party, which was already pretty pricey. One of the children bought along their sister, just assumed it would be ok. It cost me an extra £25! I was so cross.

Good solution, but I'd add "If you are, the extra activity charge will be £10 per sibling (or however much it costs) - bank account details will follow soon".

What, so if your 6yo is invited to a party, it's unreasonable to take your baby along as well, so that they can sleep in their pram and/or be entertained by you - and be taken out if they start making a huge noise?

I think it's massively cheeky to impose with uninvited siblings; but it's clearly going to be the case that many parents will also have other children and no other childcare for them, unless their invited child misses out.

That said, it's very basic good manners to double-check with the parents in advance and let them know about your intention/need to bring uninvited siblings - apart from anything, to reassure them that you aren't going to expect them to be included in any activities, given a party bag etc.

I would have no problem at all with somebody bringing their infant. I do have a problem with people bringing 2 or 3 older siblings and allowing them to rampage around and spoil the party. There is an obvious difference between these two things.

I have two kids and they almost never even go to each other's parties as the dynamic shifts so much with older / younger kids there. Particularly bossy older sisters!

When they were quite young and I still had to stay at parties, I would sometimes do what other people are saying - pay for my toddler to go into a different part of the soft play, etc. But parties became dropoff here around 5/6 and then we'd drop and run. I happen to have several friends with children the same age gap as mine so sometimes there were free for all sorts of church hall things that both their kids were going to so it was fine for both of mine - but it was always specific on the invite and I'd never assume.

Once my daughter did attend her brother's party as company for another child's older sibling (their dad passed away quite suddenly and the mum asked if he could bring his brother as he was struggling. Of course that was an easy okay - she offered to pay and I refused and I brought my daughter so he had company). My son wasn't thrilled but understood. But again - all discussed and understood ahead of time.

I can't imagine asking them for money but I'd really want to!

Any future parties you hold I'd add on the invite 'Siblings are welcome to attend if you don't have childcare for them. However, as this is a pay per child party parents will be expected to cover the cost of any extra children wanting to join in, ie activity cost & food costs'

I’d ask for the money. Why did most of the other parents pay for their kids yet the entitled ones get a kid in for free essentially, at your expense?

Well you know what to do in future, state quite plainly on the invites that any activities/ party bags are for the invited child only. If the activity organiser is able to accommodate extra children, state that the charge will be of £xx, payable before hand by BACS. It might seem mercenary but it all adds up. It not like a game of pass the parcel. if they dont like it tough.

Yanbu.

isn’t it also partly the party entertainers fault too though? I would have expected them to have approached you before they got started, asking if you were expecting 25 kids. It’s a bit off to just let everyone do it then charge.

But yes, ultimately, whilst the parents will likely be unaware it’s cost you, they should have asked.

What an absolutely pisstake!
Perhaps you could have been a bit more on the ball when people were arriving and certainly when the older kids were starting to look like taking part.
However, it was still extremely cheeky of their parents.

I would just write "sorry no siblings"'on next years invite I have done this before!

Yanbu at all. There is a family in DDs class who have a bit of a reputation for bringing their 3 other kids to parties and piling their plates high with food from the buffet and even after people explicitly writing on the invite not to bring siblings or to let them know if siblings are attending they carry on doing the same thing.

Obviously babies in prams are very different to older kids who want to take part in the activities/eat the food.

Why do people keep inviting them?

Selfish, rude, cheeky fuckers

People just take anything they want. Society is broken.

I had this last year at my DD 5th birthday. Church hall with a bouncy castle so nothing expensive. I noticed siblings diving into the food before the invited children. I made a comment and mum said 'oh ..... wont eat so they can have it'. I was taken aback and didnt want to have drama as its just food at the end of the day.
I have taken dd2 (under 18 months) to partys with us, but id never dive in before the invited guests, you wait for left overs.
I also had siblings trying to take party bags and had to make it very clear its only the invited children getting one.
This has also happened with other kids from the class partys.
Apparently its a culture thing. Some cultures, you invite 1 kid and it means your inviting all the kids.
Now its made very clear in the invites who is invited

Next party have someone helping you. A family member or friend so you can be at the door greeting people. Or put it specifically on the invite who the invite is for and there is no space for others. Did the parents stay or just run away? I would let them know as well that they owe you £10.

I was always very specific on invitations on when you had to respond by or your place would be offered to someone else

Parties where siblings could come or only if notified in advance and state how much they have to pay for extra siblings

Whilst it's not nice for only one child in the family to go to a party, it's a life lesson if we can't always have what we want

And don't get me started on weekend dads who would use the party as free childcare and come back when it suited them.

The parents were very rude. YANBU to really annoyed with them. You were a bit of a fool, having noticed there were uninvited children there, not to excuse yourself from greeting others to go over and deal with it immediately and to be clear with the parents and activity leaders that the party was just for those you’d invited. It should have been very obvious that this was a possibility as soon as you saw them. You’ll know better next time.

I’m sorry you’ve been landed with an extra expense, especially just before Christmas. I understand the temptation to send a demand for payment to the parents of the uninvited guests that some others have suggested, but unless I was going to be unable to pay the bills because of it, I wouldn’t. You really should have said something at the time.

I had one sibling turn up at one of DD. But it was a disco and the girl was actually really good encouraging some of the children to take part. All the invited children had SEN. So I didn't mind her having a bit of food and asked for an extra party bag for her.

It is a bit entitled not to check first they can bring extras, but from my experience when at a church hall they bring all the kids, I’ve had siblings, cousins, neighbours, friends etc turn up too (party for 20 and 45 arrive)! In fact I got the distinct impression they’d actually invited kids along for some fun.

I think different if an event is trampoline park, although I’ve seen it there too and siblings have walked in and parents say nothing. Staff counted heads in and parent of birthday child had to pay more.

some parents have a partner that works shifts and I think that is worth a consideration even if you offer if possible they pay for their child.

I got a bit strong willed after the 2nd time of this happening and let’s just say it was frowned upon, so be (very) clear and open from the start but in a happy friendly way. Maybe offer a possible waiting list for siblings even if there won’t be one..

Why not exclude the other kids? They weren’t invited. Why couldn’t their own parents pay? Why should OP pay for children of entitled parents?

because OP is the host. lets not forget that OP did pay. thats what I would have done too. i'm not sure if OP already clarified this but perhaps it wasnt clear on the invite that it was pay per head. in any case i would be happy that more kids turned up to my kids party rather than less kids. if the other parents couldnt get childcare arrangements (or whatever their reason was for turning up with siblings) then the invited child may not have turned up either. the title on the thread reads aibu to be annoyed... OP isnt being unreasonable, the parents shouldnt have assumed it was all fine, but once theyre there then make the most of it and all kids should be involved. how embarrasing to ask the parents for £10 for their extra child - none of those who commented saying they would have done that would actually have done that.

Incredibly rude

I disagree. Why is it embarrassing for the OP to tell parents that their uninvited kids have to be paid for? More embarrassing for the CF parents to assume that their child will be counted for in a party that they weren’t invited to. Actually can’t believe the gall of some parents expecting the host to pay. Comes across as incredibly entitled. I do wonder if these parents just randomly turn up at events that they themselves weren’t invited to 🤷‍♀️

Edit: why should anyone need to explain on the invite that it’s pay-per-head? If you aren’t invited you don’t just turn up and expect people to pay/cater for you to be there. You ask instead of being rude!