. . . to be annoyed at these parents?

[BananaBreadstick]

Booked DD's 6th birthday party in our local church hall. I paid for a chocolate/sweet-making class for twenty kids; all parents confirmed they'd be going - great.

As people started to arrive, I noticed there were some older children arriving too, clearly siblings of the party attendees, but I was too involved with greetings and helping the chocolate workshop people set up to worry about if.

When the chocolate class started, I was busy in the kitchen getting food sorted for when the children had finished, so I didn't realise that the older children all lined up to collect chocolate-making supplies and joined in the class. The chocolate guys came up to me after, quite apologetically, and said that 25 kids had taken part, so there would be a balancing payment for the extra children. They'd told me this in advance - the package was for 20 but any extra would be £10 per child - and that was fine by me, as I didn't anticipate there would be any extra children! I reassured them that it was fine, not their fault, and I'd settle the balance, but I'm really annoyed at the parents who, firstly, didn't ask if it was okay for siblings to come, and secondly allowed them to take part in the activity. I even had to stop three of the older kids taking party bags as I only had one spare.

AIBU or is this just incredibly rude of the parents? If they'd asked in advance if siblings could come, I would have explained that the activity was chargeable per child so I was limited on numbers for that, but the siblings would be welcome to attend and have a slice of cake if the parents didn't have childcare. But to not even give me a heads-up . . .

This thread should be pinned to the top of aibu so all parents can understand that you don't bring uninvited siblings to a birthday party. Its rude, entitled, changes the dynamic of party bring several older/younger siblings and it's just not on.... End of.

Because the chocolate making activity was charged on a per head basis. Five extra children took part, so of course extra ingredients would have been used, plus extra work for those instructing the children. Do you think the business should have just sucked up the extra cost ?

oh god forbid someone has another opinion. i wouldnt exclude other kids. in reality i'd do what OP did.

Well you've answered yourself there. Your type of parties where pay per head isn't an issue, with parents who teach their dc not to get overly involved especially when the party children are younger and not to expect a party bag is not what people generally moan about.

It's like saying 'I don't understand why people don't like bigots. As long as they don't come anywhere near me, have no platform, wear a sign saying 'I'm a bigot' and keep their mouth closed. I don't know what people have a problem with them 😐

You've described a scenario that isn't representative of the issue being discussed here

@goldencabbage they do but it's an entirely different etiquette isn't it. Having said that, I did have people turn up to my wedding reception with partners/plus ones when that hadn't been specified on the invite. Again, couldn't get too worked up about it at the time. It was a buffet and it made no difference to me by that point it one extra person was in a room of 150.

@burntheleaves I understand that this isn't the type of scenario being discussed, hence my opening sentence. In the OP's case it was rude and unacceptable.

I was just opening the discussion up more generally. I think it's a shame that pp would rather people didn't accept the invite at all rather than turn up with a sibling if they had no other choice.

Why? That gives them the option to do that!

I'd do a polite apology (through gritted teeth) that sorry, siblings can't be accommodated due to numbers

What if the party giver can't afford the siblings?

YANBU. I have a colleague who has 5 kids and she loves it when one gets a party invite as she drops the other 4 off as well and legs it. She likes to tell us all that she's getting a "self-care afternoon" whenever an invite comes through.

There are some incredibly brazen people on this planet!

I did the same - no siblings. No extra party bags or food.

I have DT’s but they understood that sometimes they would both be invited to a party but on other occasions only one was invited.

Extremely rude. I'd be chasing those parents up for payment. Tell them how you've had to pay out a lot more that you hadn't budgeted for.

Depending on how much extra it cost, I might message the parents who brought extra kids asking them to pay the fees for those children. Seems very reasonable and you don't have to do it in an 'angry sounding' way, just 'It was lovely to see your son/daughter at the party, they're a fab kid. However, I wasn't expecting them to be at the party, and I did have to pay X AMOUNT for them to participate. In the future, please ask in advance if you can bring siblings. Hope you're doing well and sending love to your family'.

I can sort of understand people justifying it to themselves (still massively cheeky, though), if they have one extra child who's a twin of the invited child or maybe one year older or younger; but some people are just so selfish and clearly don't care at all.

Of course an uninvited 10yo is going to find a party for 5yos babyish - if they didn't, and truly enjoyed it, it wouldn't have been a suitable, age-appropriate party for the actual birthday child and their classmates/same-age friends in the first place.

The 10yo is going to find it boring and the little ones may feel overtaken and even scared at big kids hurtling around and dominating everything. Very young children need adults to centre and focus on them, and older kids just won't have the maturity or will to do this.

We know people with huge families - one has 11 kids - would the people who justify this really think that 1 invitation = 11 invitations, just like that, with no warning to the organising parents?!

What if the older siblings are obnoxious, or the birthday child just doesn't like them for any reason? It makes a mockery of them if they've carefully though about whom they want to invite. Imagine wanting to invite 15 of your own actual friends to your party and being told you can only choose 10, because places are limited for an activity - and then half a dozen big kids whom you've never met turn up and dominate it anyway.

I bet, once people get wind of which parents regularly do this, none of the siblings tend to get invited to many parties again.

I'm also sceptical about adding a 'sorry, no siblings' note on the invitations. As always, the only people who ever read/notice/abide by signs and requests are the ones for whom they were never needed in the first place.

Absolute piss take. Truly, no one gives a fuck anymore. It’s their “right”

Ask the parents for payment.

I'd be really cross too op! I've had this myself with soft play parties we're siblings would sit down at the 'dinner table' waiting on food. It's so embarrassing. I never brought my other children to parties that they weren't invited to except one time that my partner was away but I stipulated to the parent that my other child was being paid by myself

Very rude of them

@Nanny0gg I would work on the assumption that siblings attending should not cost the party giver any extra. If I've done a party for 20 say, I would cater for that amount, maybe a couple extra if I had the ability to. If there aren't enough party bags for siblings it's tough. I would make sure I'm the one handing them out and I'd say sorry sweetheart it's just for xxx as they are dc friend, here have a sweet instead.

Obviously people shouldn't have to spend more than they'd like to for siblings to attend, but again I think this only really applies when it's a pay per head party. And in that instance you'd almost always have a third party providing a service who ideally should have a list of names so they can do the awkward bit for you.
And in any case I would still rather have people turn up to my dc party than feel they have to miss it because of childcare issues.

Are any of the class parents particularly gossipy? I would tell them how you were out an extra £50 - not budgeted for and just before Christmas - as some cheeky fuckers decided that their random siblings could just join in too. You will have the satisfaction of knowing that their appalling behaviour is being talked about. So fucking rude!!

Parents are incredibly rude and entitled. As soon as you saw extra children didn't it sound alarm bells that theyd join in?

I'd be sending the mums a message asking them for £10 each.

"Hi, we had to pay for the chocolate class at £10 a head. As you brought your child who wasn't invited please can you get the extra £10 to me as soon as possible? Thanks."

That’s mental. People can’t just turn up to stuff they are not invited to that costs money and expect to join in! We are talking about older siblings; OPs child is 6. A 7+ child should be expected to understand that and if they don’t their parents should tell them. So even if the parents didn’t know what the party was going to be like, a conversation such as ‘Tilly is going to a party at the village hall and I’ve got to take you as well because there’s nowhere to leave you. If it’s playing games and stuff I’ll ask if you can join in but we’ll take an iPad/ colouring etc and if it’s not possible for you to join in you’ll still have something to do. And here’s a snack incase there’s not food because why the fuck should the party organiser randomly cater for children when I couldn’t even be arsed to ask if you could come.
Those parents are entitled CFs.

Yep, very rude. The others weren't invited and shouldn't have come.

Why not? Most children are told "no" on occasion and understand that a party they haven't been invited to probably means they can't do the activities.

Or at least those that have parents who aren't raising entitled gobshites do.

25 kids will get through more materials / equipment than 20 kids