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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday gift from the in-laws

271 replies

ProbablyNutsTBH · 15/12/2024 13:20

Bit of background info: My in-laws are perfectly lovely people. They really love mine and their sons 13mo baby & would see him ALL the time if they could. For some reason, probably cos I’m potentially unhinged, I wouldn’t mind if they only saw him once a month or less. Ultimately they see him about once a week. Which is not enough for them & so Once it’s been 6 days mine and their sons phones are blowing up until we visit them or have them around.

anyway, it was my birthday recently & they were very keen to come over and give me some gifts (aka see their grandson). The gift is a handwritten “voucher” for a night in a hotel near a wildlife park a couple hours away that DH, DS & I have a membership pass to, along with dinner for two for DH and I ….
With “on-site” babysitting at the hotel.
As in, on site babysitting by MIL&FIL.
As in, they will also be coming to the wildlife park… & staying at the same hotel with us.
So they have essentially gifted me the birthday present of a night away with them, so they can have a holiday with their grandson. It just seems so disingenuous/underhanded?
The offer to pay for dinner for two at the hotel is kind, but in context it feels like it’s tacked on as some sort of trojan horse/ so they can justify it as being a “birthday gift”.. like why not just offer us a voucher for dinner for two without the other bullshit? And I can get my own mum to babysit or have options in that regards?

I’m not upset because I want a better gift of course. They could give me a toblerone as a birthday gift and I’d be appreciative… I genuinely wouldn’t give a rats arse if they didn’t give me a birthday present at all, and in fact I’d MUCH prefer that over them roping us into going away with them & acting like it’s a gift “for me”.
I also don’t think this is a “bad” gift in general- if it was a joint family gift for their son & I for Christmas or something, I wouldn’t think that much of it. But for a birthday gift for me personally it feels especially odd.

TL;DR in-laws, who constantly ask to babysit my 13mo & are pretty obsessive over him, gave ‘me’ a birthday gift- a ‘voucher’ to go with them to a wildlife park (that DH, DS & I already have yearlong entry pass to- a gift from my parents), then spend the night with them at a nearby hotel where theyll shout me and their son dinner at the hotel, while they babysit my baby. I feel like they’re being manipulative, im pissed off about it. I also realise my judgement might be clouded.

AIBU in thinking that this is pretty bizarre & manipulative/underhanded? Are they just being lovely & offering a lovely opportunity for me, DH & Bub to have a little holiday with baby sitters on hand & even dinner for two and my incredulous arse is feeling hostile over nothing?

OP posts:
redfishcat · 15/12/2024 13:23

Oh, what a shame, you are already away that weekend

They sound desperate

WhatTheKey · 15/12/2024 13:23

I started a very very similar thread to this last year, when my ILs gifted me a voucher for a dinner in a far away restaurant but on the proviso that we could only go if they were allowed to babysit DC. I was told over and over again how I was ungrateful- a lot of sarky "how dare they gift you a lovely meal and a break!" type thing.

I get it OP. It's up to you when and if you're ready to leave DC with them.

MereDintofPandiculation · 15/12/2024 13:25

AIBU in thinking that this is pretty bizarre & manipulative/underhanded?
My in-laws are perfectly lovely people

These two statements can’t be simultaneously true. My suspicion is they are killing two birds with one stone, but not out of malice, and that they have no idea you dislike them so much.

Sampler · 15/12/2024 13:25

Just says thanks and put off going, it’s a hand written pretend voucher anyway !

ChristmasinBrighton · 15/12/2024 13:25

Book it and don’t tell them you are going. Or arrange for other relatives to look after DC.

BabyDoge · 15/12/2024 13:29

You see, obviously without actually knowing your in-laws, I think I disagree. I think if they'd given you a voucher for a hotel stay and a dinner somewhere and said they'd look after your 13 month old at home, you'd be posting about how could they possibly think you'd want to leave your DC at home. This way you get to have the experience but still have DC with you.

TenThousandSpoons · 15/12/2024 13:40

I presume they didn’t know you already have membership to the animal park. I get why it’s a bit annoying but i think their intentions were good so voted YABU.

ginasevern · 15/12/2024 13:47

I agree OP. I wouldn't want them in the next room (or whatever) on a birthday weekend away. As you said, you could've got your parents to babysit and had a genuinely childfree break. Gifts shouldn't come with conditions anyway. I don't like MIL bashing threads but on this occasion I'd be pissed off too. Not sure what you can do about it though.

Original poster
ProbablyNutsTBH · 15/12/2024 13:48

TenThousandSpoons · 15/12/2024 13:40

I presume they didn’t know you already have membership to the animal park. I get why it’s a bit annoying but i think their intentions were good so voted YABU.

They are aware, which why they decided on a hotel in that area. It’s a membership pass for a few wildlife parks/sanctuaries which are run by the same group, the others are closer & than this one which a couple hrs away hence the hotel

OP posts:
Redrosesposies · 15/12/2024 13:55

Have you any idea how horrible you sound?
If they are "perfectly lovely people" why are you so jealous of them having a relationship with their grandchild?
You suggested you might be unhinged. You could be right.
Take the gift in the spirit it is intended. A chance for them to spend some time with their grandchild but giving you a break at the same time as they clearly know that you won't allow him/her to be with them alone.

Nc546888 · 15/12/2024 13:59

Ah man OP I’m with you. This just sounds so tactical on their part.

id hate to see my in laws weekly. Even once a month would be a lot for me. Currently we see ours about 6-8 times a year.

I would just say thanks and then not book it and ‘forget’ about it. Book your own hotel night away or dinner out and get whoever you want to babysit

JulianFawcettMP · 15/12/2024 13:59

You would like your child to see loving grandparents once a month or less. You're right,, you are unhinged. They might be overbearing and that does need managing but you seem to want to restrict the love in your child's life to an unhealthy degree.

Onlyonekenobe · 15/12/2024 14:01

It’s a voucher. You don’t have to use it.

I know exactly what your in laws are doing because mine tried to do the same when our first DC was born (well, MIL. FIL was and remains busy with his own life and very relaxed about things). I was very clear in establishing boundaries where I wanted them to be, not where they unilaterally decided they should be (ie all in my face, in my business, to their benefit and my detriment, in furtherance of her goals at my expense). If you’re interested in my unsolicited advice: start as you mean to go on.

Stormyweatheroutthere · 15/12/2024 14:02

So not only would dc be overnight with them for the first time he wouldn't even be in his own cot? Well that's got disaster written all over it...

Roryno · 15/12/2024 14:02

So you won’t let them babysit because your mum can babysit?? Doesn’t that seem like favouritism to you? You make them sound like they’re secondary level family members. I feel a bit sorry for them.

m You could book a hotel room on a different floor and they could have baby when you and your husband go to dinner. I can’t see why it’s such a big issue to go round the park with them and spend a little time together. But I liked my mil!

Original poster
ProbablyNutsTBH · 15/12/2024 14:03

MereDintofPandiculation · 15/12/2024 13:25

AIBU in thinking that this is pretty bizarre & manipulative/underhanded?
My in-laws are perfectly lovely people

These two statements can’t be simultaneously true. My suspicion is they are killing two birds with one stone, but not out of malice, and that they have no idea you dislike them so much.

thats a good point. there’s been a fair few times I’ve had my boundaries pushed by them (things like treating me as their sons receptionist, contacting me all the time if he’s not answering, sending msgs to my phone addressed to him if they can’t reach him etc) but they’re so chill & normal about it that I never push back so they think everything is chill & I get saltier and saltier which probably warps my view of them. Along with me probably being overly possessive of my son wrt them.
I don’t know them very well though. Until my baby was born I’d met them a handful of times and our conversations are very superficial, so when I say they’re perfectly lovely that’s my on the surface view.. but ive never heard stories of them being shitty ppl nor have I seen them act so, and they discuss all sort of social justice type things that seem to be the mark of “good” people

OP posts:
YaWeeFurryBastard · 15/12/2024 14:04

I don’t see the problem? Surely you go for the dinner whilst they mind your baby for a few hours, then you collect him and go to bed.

AgreeableDragon · 15/12/2024 14:07

@ProbablyNutsTBH @WhatTheKey
I'm with you two!
A very strange idea for a birthday present; they have involved themselves far too much on the gift for our to be well intended. Context is very important here given that they are so pushy with seeing your DC.

If they wanted you to have a special meal and even a night away then offer this. But don't then nashe it so you have to invite yourself along! That's manipulative.

MereDintofPandiculation · 15/12/2024 14:13

ProbablyNutsTBH · 15/12/2024 14:03

thats a good point. there’s been a fair few times I’ve had my boundaries pushed by them (things like treating me as their sons receptionist, contacting me all the time if he’s not answering, sending msgs to my phone addressed to him if they can’t reach him etc) but they’re so chill & normal about it that I never push back so they think everything is chill & I get saltier and saltier which probably warps my view of them. Along with me probably being overly possessive of my son wrt them.
I don’t know them very well though. Until my baby was born I’d met them a handful of times and our conversations are very superficial, so when I say they’re perfectly lovely that’s my on the surface view.. but ive never heard stories of them being shitty ppl nor have I seen them act so, and they discuss all sort of social justice type things that seem to be the mark of “good” people

Show quote history

They probably are good people. But their not your family, so they feel alien.

But from your baby's point of view, they are just as much valid grandparents as your parents are. So you have to be fair re access and so on even though your gut says "why are these aliens wanting to see MY baby?"

So push back where you need to but try to do it with kindness as well as firmness.

They're treating you as your DH's receptionist because they know they can get sense out of you, that you'll know what's going on in the family, that if they tell DH about something, he'll forget to tell you - not necessarily true of your DH, but my experience is if you want something done, the woman is the person to speak to. So bat away all such requests, tell them to speak to DH, make it unproductive to talk to you, but remember it's a sort of compliment, albeit one you could do without.

Middaymatters · 15/12/2024 14:14

Poor you. Mean grandparents offering you a night away in a hotel, free dinner and baby sitting at a location that they know you’ll enjoy (as you’ve bought a season ticket for it) 🙄Seems like a win win situation to me. Why you are so negative about it?? They are lovely people who dearly love their grandchild and want to spend time with them - all facts stated by you. Yes you are being unreasonable about all this, and a bit spiteful to suggest you could get your mum (or other options) to babysit instead when babysitting for an evening would obviously be such a joy to your in-laws. Why are you denying them this when it would be no skin of your nose?

MereDintofPandiculation · 15/12/2024 14:14

Context is very important here given that they are so pushy with seeing your DC. They're DC's grandparents!

rainbowunicorn · 15/12/2024 14:19

What exactly is the issue with them enjoying their grandson, who they obviously love. Surely having a loving extended family is important. Why do you only want them to see him once a month or less? To be honest you don't sound very nice.when you talk about them and it doesn't seem like they have done anything wrong. Would you honestly prefer that they were indifferent to him and only saw him a few times a year?

Mama3737 · 15/12/2024 14:23

Middaymatters · 15/12/2024 14:14

Poor you. Mean grandparents offering you a night away in a hotel, free dinner and baby sitting at a location that they know you’ll enjoy (as you’ve bought a season ticket for it) 🙄Seems like a win win situation to me. Why you are so negative about it?? They are lovely people who dearly love their grandchild and want to spend time with them - all facts stated by you. Yes you are being unreasonable about all this, and a bit spiteful to suggest you could get your mum (or other options) to babysit instead when babysitting for an evening would obviously be such a joy to your in-laws. Why are you denying them this when it would be no skin of your nose?

Agree.

TidyDancer · 15/12/2024 14:30

The impression I'm getting is that you see them as second tier grandparents behind your mum who is allowed to babysit. Is that the case? If so then I think it's understandable they are coming across as a bit much (to you) at times as they seem to realise their place and are trying to change that. If your DS sees your mum a little more than them then this will also leave them feeling insecure. I think on what you've said so far, this does mostly sound like enthusiastic grandparents and the problem you're finding is of your own making.

TheStorksAccomplice · 15/12/2024 14:31

So here's a thing to consider OP.
Many moons ago, our daughter and son in law gifted us a weekend at Center Parcs just before Christmas. With them and their 2 children, the youngest still a baby. Did we regard them as a pair of CFs because they just wanted us there to help with the children? Or did we think.... what a wonderful gift to be able to spend time with them all? One day I hope you may fully understand what a wonderful gift grandchildren are in your life.