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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday gift from the in-laws

271 replies

ProbablyNutsTBH · 15/12/2024 13:20

Bit of background info: My in-laws are perfectly lovely people. They really love mine and their sons 13mo baby & would see him ALL the time if they could. For some reason, probably cos I’m potentially unhinged, I wouldn’t mind if they only saw him once a month or less. Ultimately they see him about once a week. Which is not enough for them & so Once it’s been 6 days mine and their sons phones are blowing up until we visit them or have them around.

anyway, it was my birthday recently & they were very keen to come over and give me some gifts (aka see their grandson). The gift is a handwritten “voucher” for a night in a hotel near a wildlife park a couple hours away that DH, DS & I have a membership pass to, along with dinner for two for DH and I ….
With “on-site” babysitting at the hotel.
As in, on site babysitting by MIL&FIL.
As in, they will also be coming to the wildlife park… & staying at the same hotel with us.
So they have essentially gifted me the birthday present of a night away with them, so they can have a holiday with their grandson. It just seems so disingenuous/underhanded?
The offer to pay for dinner for two at the hotel is kind, but in context it feels like it’s tacked on as some sort of trojan horse/ so they can justify it as being a “birthday gift”.. like why not just offer us a voucher for dinner for two without the other bullshit? And I can get my own mum to babysit or have options in that regards?

I’m not upset because I want a better gift of course. They could give me a toblerone as a birthday gift and I’d be appreciative… I genuinely wouldn’t give a rats arse if they didn’t give me a birthday present at all, and in fact I’d MUCH prefer that over them roping us into going away with them & acting like it’s a gift “for me”.
I also don’t think this is a “bad” gift in general- if it was a joint family gift for their son & I for Christmas or something, I wouldn’t think that much of it. But for a birthday gift for me personally it feels especially odd.

TL;DR in-laws, who constantly ask to babysit my 13mo & are pretty obsessive over him, gave ‘me’ a birthday gift- a ‘voucher’ to go with them to a wildlife park (that DH, DS & I already have yearlong entry pass to- a gift from my parents), then spend the night with them at a nearby hotel where theyll shout me and their son dinner at the hotel, while they babysit my baby. I feel like they’re being manipulative, im pissed off about it. I also realise my judgement might be clouded.

AIBU in thinking that this is pretty bizarre & manipulative/underhanded? Are they just being lovely & offering a lovely opportunity for me, DH & Bub to have a little holiday with baby sitters on hand & even dinner for two and my incredulous arse is feeling hostile over nothing?

OP posts:
dutysuite · 15/12/2024 14:42

The thing is if they couldn't be arsed to see your baby we'd have a post about them not spending enough time or caring enough. I don't think some grandparents can win.

FigTreeInEurope · 15/12/2024 14:44

ProbablyNutsTBH · 15/12/2024 14:03

thats a good point. there’s been a fair few times I’ve had my boundaries pushed by them (things like treating me as their sons receptionist, contacting me all the time if he’s not answering, sending msgs to my phone addressed to him if they can’t reach him etc) but they’re so chill & normal about it that I never push back so they think everything is chill & I get saltier and saltier which probably warps my view of them. Along with me probably being overly possessive of my son wrt them.
I don’t know them very well though. Until my baby was born I’d met them a handful of times and our conversations are very superficial, so when I say they’re perfectly lovely that’s my on the surface view.. but ive never heard stories of them being shitty ppl nor have I seen them act so, and they discuss all sort of social justice type things that seem to be the mark of “good” people

Show quote history

Virtue signalling is rarely done by good people.

CyanPeer · 15/12/2024 14:45

A night in a hotel attached to a wildlife park doesn't sound great tbh.

You'll get all sorts of posters telling you you're lucky to have grandparents who are invested and offer to babysit (which is true) but the way they're going about it just feels... Underhand somehow.

In your position I would accept the gift with grace and enjoy a night off, but I would work with your partner to set whatever boundaries you both feel comfortable with.

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 15/12/2024 14:46

You’re being ridiculously ungrateful and unreasonable.

biscuitsandbooks · 15/12/2024 14:50

That sounds lovely and very generous to me.

Wafflefudge · 15/12/2024 14:53

I'd be thrilled by that present. I think it's really considerate and really generous.
They've booked it for a place they know you enjoy going to. You get a meal out as adults whilst they babysit but babu is nearby so you don't need to be worried about them.
I think they've tried hard to make it something nice for you and that you'd be comfortable with.

KrisAkabusi · 15/12/2024 14:55

They're giving you a night in a hotel, a dinner and providing babysitting. Yet you're accusing them of being mean and underhanded. You sound awful. There are loads of people would give their tight arm for a present like that! No doubt if they suggested looking after the child in their own home you'd accuse them of trying to keep your child away from a fun trip out and deprive you of your baby.

StampOnTheGround · 15/12/2024 14:58

I can imagine my in-laws doing this.

I find them so overbearing with my kid and it really really triggers me - if people have similar in-laws they would completely get this, if they don't they'll say you are being unreasonable!

PomandersandRedRibbon · 15/12/2024 14:59

Op I had this as well, dh and I gifted a won on a raffle hotel away for 2 (to a hotel they would never stay in) so they could have our dc over night.

They also used my bday as a way to try and manipulate us. I had to block them in the end.

If they are genuinely nice and you want to keep good relations I would call them out in it so they know you know.

The worst part for me was them thinking I /we were that stupid.

PomandersandRedRibbon · 15/12/2024 15:01

@KrisAkabusi because it's not about op it's not a gift for her at all it's an elaborate ruse to get something they want and that's why it's hurting her. It's manipulative

OldTinHat · 15/12/2024 15:03

That sounds lovely imo.

PomandersandRedRibbon · 15/12/2024 15:08

@TheStorksAccomplice and are you a respectful gp?
I can't imagine hassling and harassing new parents it's on me if they don't want me around.

These in laws are seeing their grandson once a week and their phones will get hammered if they don't respond but that's not enough??
Once a week isn't enough?

Sleetwave · 15/12/2024 15:12

Have I got it right in that you’ll all be staying in the hotel? So you and DH can have your meal but then come back and take DS with you to sleep? If so I think that’s ok. If they were really underhand they wouldn’t have suggested they stop over too. It’s not really fair either if you would let your mum babysit and not them, unless they’ve done something to make you think they’re completely irresponsible.

Tbh OP I used to be a bit like you with MIL but then I made a big effort to get along with her and actually it’s been ok. I’ve found it’s actually helpful to have a babysitter for DCs once in a while. And I used to have a great relationship with my grandparents and realised that would only happen for DC if I let them spend time together.

ThatGutsyHedgehog · 15/12/2024 15:16

It sounds like they’ve got expectations of what being a grandparent is -regular contact (once a week is a lot) and babysitting.
This might not align with how you feel grandparent’s relationships are, at the end of the day you and DH are the parents so hold your boundaries.
It does sound like a manipulative present I get why it’s upset you. I think just forget to redeem if you don’t want to go.

kittybiscuits · 15/12/2024 15:18

Redrosesposies · 15/12/2024 13:55

Have you any idea how horrible you sound?
If they are "perfectly lovely people" why are you so jealous of them having a relationship with their grandchild?
You suggested you might be unhinged. You could be right.
Take the gift in the spirit it is intended. A chance for them to spend some time with their grandchild but giving you a break at the same time as they clearly know that you won't allow him/her to be with them alone.

Absolutely nonsense!

KrisAkabusi · 15/12/2024 15:22

PomandersandRedRibbon · 15/12/2024 15:01

@KrisAkabusi because it's not about op it's not a gift for her at all it's an elaborate ruse to get something they want and that's why it's hurting her. It's manipulative

No, that's your and the OP's interpretation of it. In none of the OP's posts have they ever given a hint of being manipulative. She says they are nice people. The worst she can accuse them of is sending her messages to pass on to her partner if he doesn't answer the phone! So what's more likely: they've given what they think is a nice, personal gift; or they've suddenly come up with a massive scheme to control the OP and gain nefarious access to their grandchild? Try giving people the benefit of the doubt once in a while.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 15/12/2024 15:24

Did they discuss the idea of the gift with your DH prior to booking?

I honestly can't see the problem.

RosesAndHellebores · 15/12/2024 15:27

Why do you only want to see them on e a month rather than on e a week.?

biscuitsandbooks · 15/12/2024 15:27

PomandersandRedRibbon · 15/12/2024 15:01

@KrisAkabusi because it's not about op it's not a gift for her at all it's an elaborate ruse to get something they want and that's why it's hurting her. It's manipulative

Or, as an alternative view.

  • OP has a small child who she probably doesn't want to away from overnight.
  • The GP's know they have an annual pass to "X" company which includes attraction Y, which is two hours away. So, not somewhere they can get to easily with a small child.
  • The GP's have given them the opportunity to visit attraction Y and have generously offered to pay for an overnight stay in a hotel and include several free hours of babysitting so that OP doesn't have to be away from her baby but also gets a nice, child-free meal out with her husband,

I think on MN, the in-laws can never win. They offer to babysit, they're "manipulative". They want to see their son and grandchild more than once a month and they're "controlling". I would bet good money that OP would be perfectly happy to see her own mother more than one a month Hmm

PomandersandRedRibbon · 15/12/2024 15:30

Because it's more a gift for themselves?

stanleypops66 · 15/12/2024 15:31

You sound very ungrateful. I don't think they could've done right for doing wrong.

Pancakeflipper · 15/12/2024 15:32

I think they were just trying to solve problems of " who will look after DS whilst we eat, have a drink at the bar?" Abd trying to be thoughtful.

Unless a huge back story, it sounds like you just don't want to be with them much

PomandersandRedRibbon · 15/12/2024 15:33

Op have you expressed a desire to have a child free meal out? Plus a mini break with the in laws?

biscuitsandbooks · 15/12/2024 15:33

PomandersandRedRibbon · 15/12/2024 15:30

Because it's more a gift for themselves?

Only if you choose to view it that way.

I wonder what OP's husband thinks about it all. I mean, I certainly wouldn't tolerate being married to someone who tried to control how often I saw my parents, or how often my child saw their grandparents, that's for sure.

LetsNCagain · 15/12/2024 15:34

Yanbu OP.

Some people would really like a gift like this, but that's the point, you're not those people. They've given you this without thinking about what you'd want, only what they want.

I do love my PILs but a weekend away with them wouldn't make sense as a birthday present for me, as everyone else would enjoy it even more. I'd be the one packing for the kids, making polite talk, thinking of things everyone would enjoy etc.

A much better gift would be a "voucher" for a spa day near your house with the promise of babysitting there.

But that's provided that you are comfortable with PILs babysitting. My dc2 is the same age and I wouldn't be happy with my DM babysitting him, she's too flustered with babies