Birthday gift from the in-laws

[ProbablyNutsTBH]

Bit of background info: My in-laws are perfectly lovely people. They really love mine and their sons 13mo baby & would see him ALL the time if they could. For some reason, probably cos I’m potentially unhinged, I wouldn’t mind if they only saw him once a month or less. Ultimately they see him about once a week. Which is not enough for them & so Once it’s been 6 days mine and their sons phones are blowing up until we visit them or have them around.

anyway, it was my birthday recently & they were very keen to come over and give me some gifts (aka see their grandson). The gift is a handwritten “voucher” for a night in a hotel near a wildlife park a couple hours away that DH, DS & I have a membership pass to, along with dinner for two for DH and I ….
With “on-site” babysitting at the hotel.
As in, on site babysitting by MIL&FIL.
As in, they will also be coming to the wildlife park… & staying at the same hotel with us.
So they have essentially gifted me the birthday present of a night away with them, so they can have a holiday with their grandson. It just seems so disingenuous/underhanded?
The offer to pay for dinner for two at the hotel is kind, but in context it feels like it’s tacked on as some sort of trojan horse/ so they can justify it as being a “birthday gift”.. like why not just offer us a voucher for dinner for two without the other bullshit? And I can get my own mum to babysit or have options in that regards?

I’m not upset because I want a better gift of course. They could give me a toblerone as a birthday gift and I’d be appreciative… I genuinely wouldn’t give a rats arse if they didn’t give me a birthday present at all, and in fact I’d MUCH prefer that over them roping us into going away with them & acting like it’s a gift “for me”.
I also don’t think this is a “bad” gift in general- if it was a joint family gift for their son & I for Christmas or something, I wouldn’t think that much of it. But for a birthday gift for me personally it feels especially odd.

TL;DR in-laws, who constantly ask to babysit my 13mo & are pretty obsessive over him, gave ‘me’ a birthday gift- a ‘voucher’ to go with them to a wildlife park (that DH, DS & I already have yearlong entry pass to- a gift from my parents), then spend the night with them at a nearby hotel where theyll shout me and their son dinner at the hotel, while they babysit my baby. I feel like they’re being manipulative, im pissed off about it. I also realise my judgement might be clouded.

AIBU in thinking that this is pretty bizarre & manipulative/underhanded? Are they just being lovely & offering a lovely opportunity for me, DH & Bub to have a little holiday with baby sitters on hand & even dinner for two and my incredulous arse is feeling hostile over nothing?

Because presumably, in spite of people's apersions on here, OP is helping to facilitate a positive relationship between her DC and their grandparents.

Sorry, but you sound so terribly selfish and mean spirited, they are clearly loving kind people, and just seem to love their son, grandson, and clearly you too, which you really dont deserve,

But she clearly doesn't want to, and as she's now said that her own DH also can't be arsed, so I'm not sure why she's stressing herself out so much over it?

I mean, I bet no man has ever gotten himself worked up over whether his wife's parents are spending enough time with their grandchild. I'd let DH facilitate it all and if he chooses not to, then well, that's his issue.

A much better gift would be a "voucher" for a spa day near your house with the promise of babysitting there. Well, no, it's not just his issue. There are GC to consider too.

I said that they go so far as to send messages ADDRESSED to him, but send them to my phone. i think that sending text messages addressed to your son to your DILs phone like “COLIN- you said you would call soon? Thinking of coming round to yours today!” Is a bit more fkd up than just getting me to pass on text messages. It feels pretty dehumanising to be a communication vessel. But once again, they are just different people to me and maybe don’t see that as I do

I hate being manipulated and I hate having my boundaries eroded. I wouldn't go. Else, it will get worse and worse.

Well they made it OP's issue by presenting her with this 'voucher' on her birthday. If they have form for pestering then one might assume they'll be following up on when she is going to redeem her birthday gift.

I do agree though that OP should stop facilitating visits. Me and my husband have great relationships with our respective in laws, but we organise visits with our own family members.

Because he does love his parents and has a good relationship with them but he’s a shit communicator and very adhd. & when he’s working he’s too exhausted and I don’t work so it’s my responsibility. Sometimes he’s really on top of it and will go and do some work around the house for them a couple days in a row and then the next week he becomes shit with replying to them, but the relationship is still there and hasn’t changed. And then it’s up to me cos as people keep reiterating, they’re my DS grandparents and just want to see him.

It's absolutely not up to you to organise visits - that's on your husband.

My view is that you shouldn't block the visits when they're organised or try and limit them to once a month, but your DH should absolutely be the one making them happen!

Why don't you reply to these messages to your phone and directly say "sorry, I don't like you send messages to my phone because you can't get hold of me"Colin". Please stop"?

Alternatively tell your DH to tell them to stop it.,

And never answer the messages.

That would make you, understandably, feel better.

I think the backstory is becoming much clearer as OP responds.

I wouldn't be organising any visits or responding to any messages if I was her - her DH can arrange anything to do with his parents.

As for the gift, well, I would try and take it in a positive way (family day out, plus the benefit of a child-free dinner) but OP can always say "thanks but no thanks" i it's not her thing, I guess.

Yeah I meant that rhetorically. I guess I didn’t realise people would fixate on that. I would never try to limit there visits to once a month. I just mean I wouldn’t mind if I only had to see them or spend time with them like once a month- so our unspoken middle ground between that and what I assume would be everyday for them has become once a week.

Paternal grandparents cannot have the same relationship with their grandchild as the maternal grandparents. The mother naturally gravitates towards her own parents (generally) and reflects her own upbringing with her children ( I say this if she had a happy childhood and good parents). Basically, paternal grandparents can feel rather left out of enjoying the grandchildren.

I hope, when your son has a partner and you have a grandchild, that she appreciates her child's grandparents more than you did yours, otherwise you will be in the same position as your husband's parents. I hope you manage to hide these feelings for his parents from your husband, he could be really hurt.

Jeez, I see we've gone full MILsnet on this thread. Again.

You don't have to see them more than once a month if you'd rather not - let your DH organise weekly visits while you enjoy some time off!

I bet that your DH doesn't involve himself in how often DS sees your parents, right? So there's honestly no need to for you to feel guilty - they're his parents, let him deal with it!

Because I was probably overreacting by getting upset about it. They’re very social people so that’s just normal and I’m the weird one getting pissed over it probably? I don’t know. I don’t confront shit with them cos I always feel like I’m overreacting and being hostile when they’re just being normal people. They have stopped doing it anyway in the last couple of months now, I think dh told them it was annoying me & so they added me to their family WhatsApp group chats instead .

ETA: but yeh I never replied to the msgs addressed to him cos fkn that but they kept sending em anyway

What an odd post - you would hate to see your in-laws weekly. Then you say ‘we see ours 6-8 times a year’.

I presume you are talking about your partners parents? Then they are only your in-laws.

How do you view your own parents? Are they acceptable in your life? Acceptable to your partner too?

I often wonder if posters think ahead to when they become in-laws to their children’s partners, and how they would feel to be treated, or talked about like they were some kind of annoying hangers on.

As my DM often said, you reap what you sow.

I don't think adding you to their family WhatsApp was a suitable alternative to contacting you directly to arrange visits. The suitable alternative would have been DH stepping up and taking responsibility for arranging visits with his own family. Or not arranging visits. Either way, something that doesn't involve you doing all the legwork to facilitate a relationship between his parents and your child (which is clearly taking up far more time than it should).

I often wonder if posters think ahead to when they become in-laws to their children’s partners, and how they would feel to be treated, or talked about like they were some kind of annoying hangers on.

I've always wondered this too. I'm not referring to OP, but so many people bitch and moan about how awful it is to see their in-laws without thinking that they'll be in their shoes themselves one day!

I get you OP, your bday present should be about YOU not about them having a weekend away with you all.
Some people who are commenting saying how awful you are obviously have no experience of manipulative people.

MN MIL Bingo!

You sound like really, really hard work.

If it was your parents instead of your in-laws, how would you feel about it?

Same amount for all in laws (three sets of grandparents). MY in laws probably 6-8, one set of my parents 6-8 and the other set maybe 4-5 times a year. None live that close (between 3-7 hours away)