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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday gift from the in-laws

271 replies

ProbablyNutsTBH · 15/12/2024 13:20

Bit of background info: My in-laws are perfectly lovely people. They really love mine and their sons 13mo baby & would see him ALL the time if they could. For some reason, probably cos I’m potentially unhinged, I wouldn’t mind if they only saw him once a month or less. Ultimately they see him about once a week. Which is not enough for them & so Once it’s been 6 days mine and their sons phones are blowing up until we visit them or have them around.

anyway, it was my birthday recently & they were very keen to come over and give me some gifts (aka see their grandson). The gift is a handwritten “voucher” for a night in a hotel near a wildlife park a couple hours away that DH, DS & I have a membership pass to, along with dinner for two for DH and I ….
With “on-site” babysitting at the hotel.
As in, on site babysitting by MIL&FIL.
As in, they will also be coming to the wildlife park… & staying at the same hotel with us.
So they have essentially gifted me the birthday present of a night away with them, so they can have a holiday with their grandson. It just seems so disingenuous/underhanded?
The offer to pay for dinner for two at the hotel is kind, but in context it feels like it’s tacked on as some sort of trojan horse/ so they can justify it as being a “birthday gift”.. like why not just offer us a voucher for dinner for two without the other bullshit? And I can get my own mum to babysit or have options in that regards?

I’m not upset because I want a better gift of course. They could give me a toblerone as a birthday gift and I’d be appreciative… I genuinely wouldn’t give a rats arse if they didn’t give me a birthday present at all, and in fact I’d MUCH prefer that over them roping us into going away with them & acting like it’s a gift “for me”.
I also don’t think this is a “bad” gift in general- if it was a joint family gift for their son & I for Christmas or something, I wouldn’t think that much of it. But for a birthday gift for me personally it feels especially odd.

TL;DR in-laws, who constantly ask to babysit my 13mo & are pretty obsessive over him, gave ‘me’ a birthday gift- a ‘voucher’ to go with them to a wildlife park (that DH, DS & I already have yearlong entry pass to- a gift from my parents), then spend the night with them at a nearby hotel where theyll shout me and their son dinner at the hotel, while they babysit my baby. I feel like they’re being manipulative, im pissed off about it. I also realise my judgement might be clouded.

AIBU in thinking that this is pretty bizarre & manipulative/underhanded? Are they just being lovely & offering a lovely opportunity for me, DH & Bub to have a little holiday with baby sitters on hand & even dinner for two and my incredulous arse is feeling hostile over nothing?

OP posts:
RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 15/12/2024 17:49

The more you post, OP, the more you seem to be showing that you dislike them. Sounds like they can’t do anything right. Hopefully you’ll mellow a bit as your child gets older.

Sparklybutold · 15/12/2024 18:15

@ProbablyNutsTBH

Myself and kids have zero input from my side and little input from my DH side so the fact that your in laws want to be involved is lovely. You have said they are lovely people (from what you can tell) and the only thing I can see they're perhaps guilty off is an ill judged present because you're not a fan of eating out, which it's likely they've forgotten, but I think from what you've written, they are trying. So what if they want to be available to look after their grandson? - you have willing people who want to be involved in your child's life, how wonderful! you really don't know how lucky you are. I would advise taking a step back and reassessing things a little because these are the same people who will be there when you might need them most.

Nosleepforthismum · 15/12/2024 18:59

ProbablyNutsTBH · 15/12/2024 17:38

for the chance to have dinner downstairs from your kids? After spending the day with your in laws? I’ll be one and done if that’s how rough 2 is.

Show quote history

Yeah. Genuinely. I cannot remember the last time DH and I got the opportunity to go for a meal and actually have fun with adult conversation and a glass or two of wine. Like most of us, I find my in-laws a bit much but I love seeing them interact and shower our kids with attention so coming along with us wouldn’t be so much of a big deal. They just never offer to take both of them without us there. So, yes, I’d be thrilled if I was offered this.

GivingitToGod · 15/12/2024 19:07

Redrosesposies · 15/12/2024 13:55

Have you any idea how horrible you sound?
If they are "perfectly lovely people" why are you so jealous of them having a relationship with their grandchild?
You suggested you might be unhinged. You could be right.
Take the gift in the spirit it is intended. A chance for them to spend some time with their grandchild but giving you a break at the same time as they clearly know that you won't allow him/her to be with them alone.

I tend to agree with this. I think you are overanalysing OP

GivingitToGod · 15/12/2024 19:09

Sparklybutold · 15/12/2024 18:15

@ProbablyNutsTBH

Myself and kids have zero input from my side and little input from my DH side so the fact that your in laws want to be involved is lovely. You have said they are lovely people (from what you can tell) and the only thing I can see they're perhaps guilty off is an ill judged present because you're not a fan of eating out, which it's likely they've forgotten, but I think from what you've written, they are trying. So what if they want to be available to look after their grandson? - you have willing people who want to be involved in your child's life, how wonderful! you really don't know how lucky you are. I would advise taking a step back and reassessing things a little because these are the same people who will be there when you might need them most.

Wise words

ARichtGoodDram · 15/12/2024 19:17

Tbh it sounds like they have good intentions.

They know you like the wildlife place so have offered a nice thing with them babysitting - but not taking your child away overnight as they know you’re not up for that.

Im very wary of pushy family members, but they just sound like they’re trying their best to build a good relationship with you and your DC

PomandersandRedRibbon · 15/12/2024 19:25

"your lucky you have people wanting to be involved in thier lives".
Does this come at ops cost? To minimise who she is and to use her special day to wangle what they want??

PoppyRoseBucky · 15/12/2024 19:29

dutysuite · 15/12/2024 14:42

The thing is if they couldn't be arsed to see your baby we'd have a post about them not spending enough time or caring enough. I don't think some grandparents can win.

This.

Prepare for OP to come back and whine in a few months/years that her IL's don't care about her DC and don't ever want to help.

And it's not even like OP is uncomfortable with leaving her DC! She lets her mum babysit. Have you considered how that might feel for your IL's, OP?

If they are lovely people, like you have stated, why do you want to limit them so much? Surely it's a good thing that they're showing an interest in your DC and want to be an active part of their lives?

There's nothing wrong with setting boundaries if you feel they're a bit too much-but wanting to restrict their access to once a month (when you allow your own mum to babysit) is, without a backstory, pretty nasty stuff.

Unless there's some massive drip-feed, it's very odd and unhinged behaviour. What does your DH think about this?

PomandersandRedRibbon · 15/12/2024 19:30

@ARichtGoodDram but how is blowing up their phones making positive relations and texting their son thru op without even mentioning her or saying hello

PomandersandRedRibbon · 15/12/2024 19:32

@PoppyRoseBucky if you read ops posts you will see actually op not their son is the main point of contact and has facilitate weekly meeting

Sparklybutold · 15/12/2024 19:35

PomandersandRedRibbon · 15/12/2024 19:25

"your lucky you have people wanting to be involved in thier lives".
Does this come at ops cost? To minimise who she is and to use her special day to wangle what they want??

"your lucky you have people wanting to be involved in thier lives".
Does this come at ops cost? To minimise who she is and to use her special day to wangle what they want??

In this scenario, I'm not convinced this is what's happening though. They have possibly combined the two - her birthday present and chance to spend time with their grandson - but wow, is that so terrible? Honestly, if this was me, I'd be grateful, having a drink or two with them and if my kid was comfortable, they can have him overnight! Ime, life can throw some horrible curve balls, and when you need people, like in laws, having people who your kids know and feel comfortable with, is priceless. Personally, OP sounds ungrateful and although she is the mother, there are other people in this little boys life, that she and he are very fortunate to have.

CyanPeer · 15/12/2024 19:38

@PoppyRoseBucky do you not think it a little odd and unhinged to send messages addressed to your son to your DIL when your son doesn't respond quickly enough?

I hate this whole 'you'll be sorry when you don't have your parents/in laws to help in a few years!' bollocks on MN.

The grandparenting options available aren't limited to either maximum pressure or total neglect. I should know, I am lucky enough to have parents and in laws that play an active role my sons life without pressuring either me or my partner. There is a mutual respect that we want to spend time together, but we also have our own lives to lead.

LolaSparkle · 15/12/2024 19:47

JollyZebra · 15/12/2024 16:32

Paternal grandparents cannot have the same relationship with their grandchild as the maternal grandparents. The mother naturally gravitates towards her own parents (generally) and reflects her own upbringing with her children ( I say this if she had a happy childhood and good parents). Basically, paternal grandparents can feel rather left out of enjoying the grandchildren.

I hope, when your son has a partner and you have a grandchild, that she appreciates her child's grandparents more than you did yours, otherwise you will be in the same position as your husband's parents. I hope you manage to hide these feelings for his parents from your husband, he could be really hurt.

This!!

CanelliniBeans · 15/12/2024 21:01

ARichtGoodDram · 15/12/2024 19:17

Tbh it sounds like they have good intentions.

They know you like the wildlife place so have offered a nice thing with them babysitting - but not taking your child away overnight as they know you’re not up for that.

Im very wary of pushy family members, but they just sound like they’re trying their best to build a good relationship with you and your DC

This

Marmiteontoastgirlie · 15/12/2024 21:12

RemusLupinsBiggestGroupie · 15/12/2024 17:49

The more you post, OP, the more you seem to be showing that you dislike them. Sounds like they can’t do anything right. Hopefully you’ll mellow a bit as your child gets older.

For me, the more she posts the funnier and more likeable she gets! I think OP is a saint, I wouldn’t want to see anyone once a week let alone my in laws (who I do like but very happy with our twice yearly catch ups as they live overseas).

Marmiteontoastgirlie · 15/12/2024 21:18

PoppyRoseBucky · 15/12/2024 19:29

This.

Prepare for OP to come back and whine in a few months/years that her IL's don't care about her DC and don't ever want to help.

And it's not even like OP is uncomfortable with leaving her DC! She lets her mum babysit. Have you considered how that might feel for your IL's, OP?

If they are lovely people, like you have stated, why do you want to limit them so much? Surely it's a good thing that they're showing an interest in your DC and want to be an active part of their lives?

There's nothing wrong with setting boundaries if you feel they're a bit too much-but wanting to restrict their access to once a month (when you allow your own mum to babysit) is, without a backstory, pretty nasty stuff.

Unless there's some massive drip-feed, it's very odd and unhinged behaviour. What does your DH think about this?

Show quote history

Did you know they is a little button where you can press “see all” and then read all the OPs posts before calling her odd and unhinged? If you had done so you would have seen that she facilitates weekly visits with the in-laws, often dropping her child to them so that they get to “babysit” even though she doesn’t need it.

thepariscrimefiles · 15/12/2024 21:22

ProbablyNutsTBH · 15/12/2024 16:13

I said that they go so far as to send messages ADDRESSED to him, but send them to my phone. i think that sending text messages addressed to your son to your DILs phone like “COLIN- you said you would call soon? Thinking of coming round to yours today!” Is a bit more fkd up than just getting me to pass on text messages. It feels pretty dehumanising to be a communication vessel. But once again, they are just different people to me and maybe don’t see that as I do

Show quote history

Well that sounds really annoying! It sounds like you are doing all the hard work to facilitate a relationship between your in-laws and your child. I would back off and leave it up to your husband. If he can't be bothered, it shouldn't mean that it's your job. The birthday gift sounds more for their benefit than your's. You are just the conduit to your baby.

SlugTrails · 15/12/2024 21:31

Thing is, your child will get older and you'll be happier for him to have more independence. At that point, it'll be great to have involved grandparents who know and love your child well and who are available to help.

For now, it's maybe a struggle to leave your baby. But in a few years you may welcome it and more importantly, your child can have a good relationship separate to you.

In many scenarios on MN, the parents in law seem overbearing, but this does not appear one of them IMO.

buttonousmaximous · 15/12/2024 21:31

I'd be irritated by this, it's clearly done with their benefit in mind (day trip and overnight with grandchild) if they were thinking of you they could have got you some hotel vouchers and let you work out the logistics.

captainPugwashh · 15/12/2024 22:25

Middaymatters · 15/12/2024 14:14

Poor you. Mean grandparents offering you a night away in a hotel, free dinner and baby sitting at a location that they know you’ll enjoy (as you’ve bought a season ticket for it) 🙄Seems like a win win situation to me. Why you are so negative about it?? They are lovely people who dearly love their grandchild and want to spend time with them - all facts stated by you. Yes you are being unreasonable about all this, and a bit spiteful to suggest you could get your mum (or other options) to babysit instead when babysitting for an evening would obviously be such a joy to your in-laws. Why are you denying them this when it would be no skin of your nose?

Absolute joke isn't it?

KrisAkabusi · 15/12/2024 23:23

buttonousmaximous · 15/12/2024 21:31

I'd be irritated by this, it's clearly done with their benefit in mind (day trip and overnight with grandchild) if they were thinking of you they could have got you some hotel vouchers and let you work out the logistics.

If they had, I guarantee the OP would have been on with "My MIL has given me a hotel voucher for Christmas. Shes given no thought to the logistics. I can't leave my child, she never even considered a babysitter. She's always so manipulative, giving me a voucher she knows I can't use!".

ARichtGoodDram · 16/12/2024 00:33

PomandersandRedRibbon · 15/12/2024 19:30

@ARichtGoodDram but how is blowing up their phones making positive relations and texting their son thru op without even mentioning her or saying hello

You mean the thing they stopped doing as soon as they were asked to?

They may not have gone about it well, but the OPs partner left all communication to her. So they also put all communication through her, and stopped as soon as they were asked…

As with many posts on MN the OP does have a DP/DH problem, but these in-laws sound like they’re just trying to be in their lives.

Original poster
ProbablyNutsTBH · 16/12/2024 01:28

KrisAkabusi · 15/12/2024 23:23

If they had, I guarantee the OP would have been on with "My MIL has given me a hotel voucher for Christmas. Shes given no thought to the logistics. I can't leave my child, she never even considered a babysitter. She's always so manipulative, giving me a voucher she knows I can't use!".

Show quote history

Coming in with the presumptuousness again. You’re right that I’d probably be apprehensive about the logistics of it all, but I wouldn’t be vexed in the way I am now. Giving someone a gift of going away would be very kind, I’d love to have a night away with Bub and dh. Giving a gift to someone who you’re not a “chosen friend” of to go away WITH them is an entirely different ball park… and my issue is not even with their offer to go away with them, we’ve been on a holiday with them before at their request, and if they asked us to go away with them under other circumstances I wouldn’t be so taken aback. It’s the fact that they framed going away with them, as a birthday gift for me that feels so jarring
ETA : oh right, you mean without my baby… I’ve never expressed I want a night off him or even any time off him at all? He’s my baby , I enjoy nothing more than being around him and hate being away from him and they know that. There’s no way they’d think I would want a night away from him.

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 16/12/2024 01:44

@ProbablyNutsTBH so surely that’s why they have arranged what they have done. So you can have a break away in a hotel and then sometime with just DH but not be far away from your baby

PomandersandRedRibbon · 16/12/2024 06:31

@ProbablyNutsTBH Just say exactly what you just said, you appreciate the gesture (!!) /but you don't want to drive all that way for a meal out your both very happy as you are. What does dh think?

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