Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Birthday gift from the in-laws

271 replies

ProbablyNutsTBH · 15/12/2024 13:20

Bit of background info: My in-laws are perfectly lovely people. They really love mine and their sons 13mo baby & would see him ALL the time if they could. For some reason, probably cos I’m potentially unhinged, I wouldn’t mind if they only saw him once a month or less. Ultimately they see him about once a week. Which is not enough for them & so Once it’s been 6 days mine and their sons phones are blowing up until we visit them or have them around.

anyway, it was my birthday recently & they were very keen to come over and give me some gifts (aka see their grandson). The gift is a handwritten “voucher” for a night in a hotel near a wildlife park a couple hours away that DH, DS & I have a membership pass to, along with dinner for two for DH and I ….
With “on-site” babysitting at the hotel.
As in, on site babysitting by MIL&FIL.
As in, they will also be coming to the wildlife park… & staying at the same hotel with us.
So they have essentially gifted me the birthday present of a night away with them, so they can have a holiday with their grandson. It just seems so disingenuous/underhanded?
The offer to pay for dinner for two at the hotel is kind, but in context it feels like it’s tacked on as some sort of trojan horse/ so they can justify it as being a “birthday gift”.. like why not just offer us a voucher for dinner for two without the other bullshit? And I can get my own mum to babysit or have options in that regards?

I’m not upset because I want a better gift of course. They could give me a toblerone as a birthday gift and I’d be appreciative… I genuinely wouldn’t give a rats arse if they didn’t give me a birthday present at all, and in fact I’d MUCH prefer that over them roping us into going away with them & acting like it’s a gift “for me”.
I also don’t think this is a “bad” gift in general- if it was a joint family gift for their son & I for Christmas or something, I wouldn’t think that much of it. But for a birthday gift for me personally it feels especially odd.

TL;DR in-laws, who constantly ask to babysit my 13mo & are pretty obsessive over him, gave ‘me’ a birthday gift- a ‘voucher’ to go with them to a wildlife park (that DH, DS & I already have yearlong entry pass to- a gift from my parents), then spend the night with them at a nearby hotel where theyll shout me and their son dinner at the hotel, while they babysit my baby. I feel like they’re being manipulative, im pissed off about it. I also realise my judgement might be clouded.

AIBU in thinking that this is pretty bizarre & manipulative/underhanded? Are they just being lovely & offering a lovely opportunity for me, DH & Bub to have a little holiday with baby sitters on hand & even dinner for two and my incredulous arse is feeling hostile over nothing?

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 17/12/2024 08:09

It sounds to me like you just don’t like them, and whatever they do would be wrong.

ssd · 17/12/2024 08:34

I take it you have no problem with your mum babysitting all the time op??

LameBorzoi · 17/12/2024 09:33

thepariscrimefiles · 17/12/2024 08:03

Of course it's not ridiculous. They shouldn't need to ask permission to send a message to OP that is meant for her. However, these messages aren't even for the OP, they are addressed directly to her husband. They don't even have the manners to include 'Hi OP, could you pass this message on to Colin' in the message.

You don't know whether they would take offence if OP asked them directly to stop doing this. Tiptoeing around family does sound awful. I think OP should tell them to stop sending these messages to her and should stop facilitating their relationship with their grandchild as her DH should be doing this. However, I don't think they would take this very well at all as if it was left to her DH, they would hardly ever see their grand-child.

If she doesn't want to do that, she should just immediately delete any messages they send that aren't actually addressed to her and not even bother mentioning it to her DH.

Show quote history

Because the passive aggressive deleting of humourous messages is so much more mature than, you know, actually using words and having a conversation.

thepariscrimefiles · 17/12/2024 10:18

LameBorzoi · 17/12/2024 09:33

Because the passive aggressive deleting of humourous messages is so much more mature than, you know, actually using words and having a conversation.

Show quote history

How the fuck are these messages humorous?

As they are not addressed to OP, she is under no obligation to read them or send them on to her DP. It's perfectly fine for her to delete them.

As an ADHD expert, if OP asked her MIL to stop sending her messages meant for her son, how would she react? Would she apologise and stop or would she take offence?

Voneska · 19/12/2024 00:16

I really see where you're coming from , however I think The Picture is Bigger. The real situation is that your DH has not cut the apron strings yet and the IL s have not let go. They're using the DGC as a ruse to keep control over you all. You have a big issue here but it could be a whole lot worse if you was a single parent with no money. I ve been in both scenarios and with overr bearing IL s it's a fight which is not easy.

Welshmonster · 19/12/2024 00:19

Sometimes you just want to relax in your own home in your pjs and binge watch something but can’t as you have visitors. Just tell them it’s not convenient
mute the family WhatsApp chat or just leave it 😂

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 19/12/2024 00:30

I get what you mean, OP. Gifts can be a real burden on the recipient. I should think that this one was kindly meant and that they truly believe you and partner would enjoy dinner together on your birthday without worrying about the baby. But still!!!
As I'm sure you realise, family who truly love your child and want to spend time with them are gifts in themselves. It's a shame that this couple's eagerness is so full-on that it feels like a threat. I wonder if it would be easier to set aside a regular weekly time for them to see DC so that they don't pressurise you with texts trying to arrange it. You could also switch off your phones in the evenings so long as you're not expecting any urgent communications.

LameBorzoi · 19/12/2024 03:43

thepariscrimefiles · 17/12/2024 10:18

How the fuck are these messages humorous?

As they are not addressed to OP, she is under no obligation to read them or send them on to her DP. It's perfectly fine for her to delete them.

As an ADHD expert, if OP asked her MIL to stop sending her messages meant for her son, how would she react? Would she apologise and stop or would she take offence?

Show quote history

OP says they are nice people, so.presumably they will behave as such.

She also says they haven't done it for some time anyway, so it's a moot point.

Jellytrain · 19/12/2024 06:14

This sounds lovely to me, I'd have loved this when mine were little and we were absolutely broke. Does your DC go to nursery and you're not used to leaving them, if that's the issue saying no thanks, maybe in another year if you're not ready, it's nice they want to get involved and pay for treats!

Tiggywiggypiggy · 19/12/2024 06:21

They are not the problem.

Botanybaby · 19/12/2024 06:27

How often does your mum see the baby

You sound like your deliberately trying to make your baby and them have a strained relationship

I think the gift is lovely and thoughtful they have given you some time alone in a hotel but will be close by if your baby needs you

Grannyinnwaiting · 19/12/2024 06:39

If just suck it up - it's a chance to have dinner and a change of scenery with your IH .
my MILntreats me like the receptionist too / drives me nuts - passing on messages/asking questions that are not time sensitive that DH hasn't immediately responded to

ttcat37 · 19/12/2024 06:45

Accept the dinner, decline the babysitting. “Oh thank you but we’re taking him with us”

JessicaRabbit6 · 19/12/2024 06:46

ProbablyNutsTBH · 15/12/2024 13:20

Bit of background info: My in-laws are perfectly lovely people. They really love mine and their sons 13mo baby & would see him ALL the time if they could. For some reason, probably cos I’m potentially unhinged, I wouldn’t mind if they only saw him once a month or less. Ultimately they see him about once a week. Which is not enough for them & so Once it’s been 6 days mine and their sons phones are blowing up until we visit them or have them around.

anyway, it was my birthday recently & they were very keen to come over and give me some gifts (aka see their grandson). The gift is a handwritten “voucher” for a night in a hotel near a wildlife park a couple hours away that DH, DS & I have a membership pass to, along with dinner for two for DH and I ….
With “on-site” babysitting at the hotel.
As in, on site babysitting by MIL&FIL.
As in, they will also be coming to the wildlife park… & staying at the same hotel with us.
So they have essentially gifted me the birthday present of a night away with them, so they can have a holiday with their grandson. It just seems so disingenuous/underhanded?
The offer to pay for dinner for two at the hotel is kind, but in context it feels like it’s tacked on as some sort of trojan horse/ so they can justify it as being a “birthday gift”.. like why not just offer us a voucher for dinner for two without the other bullshit? And I can get my own mum to babysit or have options in that regards?

I’m not upset because I want a better gift of course. They could give me a toblerone as a birthday gift and I’d be appreciative… I genuinely wouldn’t give a rats arse if they didn’t give me a birthday present at all, and in fact I’d MUCH prefer that over them roping us into going away with them & acting like it’s a gift “for me”.
I also don’t think this is a “bad” gift in general- if it was a joint family gift for their son & I for Christmas or something, I wouldn’t think that much of it. But for a birthday gift for me personally it feels especially odd.

TL;DR in-laws, who constantly ask to babysit my 13mo & are pretty obsessive over him, gave ‘me’ a birthday gift- a ‘voucher’ to go with them to a wildlife park (that DH, DS & I already have yearlong entry pass to- a gift from my parents), then spend the night with them at a nearby hotel where theyll shout me and their son dinner at the hotel, while they babysit my baby. I feel like they’re being manipulative, im pissed off about it. I also realise my judgement might be clouded.

AIBU in thinking that this is pretty bizarre & manipulative/underhanded? Are they just being lovely & offering a lovely opportunity for me, DH & Bub to have a little holiday with baby sitters on hand & even dinner for two and my incredulous arse is feeling hostile over nothing?

Honestly, from someone who gets no support. I would be booking Ibiza and asking her to have baby for the week 😂

PomandersandRedRibbon · 19/12/2024 06:51

She's not even interested in having dinner without baby though it would be slightly different if she was desperate to have a break

pilates · 19/12/2024 07:04

YABVU and ungrateful. Sounds a lovely and generous gift.

Gardenbird123 · 19/12/2024 07:08

I get it. I lived this when my kids were little, constantly blindsided by things which looked lovely but were actually controlling. I have no advice - I wasn't clever enough to sort it 😁
It's better now they're older......

buybuysellsell · 19/12/2024 07:38

As someone whose parents and in-laws show absolutely zero interest in babysitting my kids ever, I find it hard to sympathise to be honest. Having a close relationship with grandparents is a joyous thing and having childcare available to you also a real piece of luck.

However. Me lecturing you won't help. I imagine it's the controlling aspect of it that's annoying you ie choosing the place and logistics. Why don't you say "oh that's lovely of you but actually I've been wanting to try xyz restaurant/see blah at the cinema, would you mind babysitting while we do that?". Then at least you'll be doing something you actually want to do!

JTtheee · 19/12/2024 07:41

ProbablyNutsTBH · 15/12/2024 14:03

thats a good point. there’s been a fair few times I’ve had my boundaries pushed by them (things like treating me as their sons receptionist, contacting me all the time if he’s not answering, sending msgs to my phone addressed to him if they can’t reach him etc) but they’re so chill & normal about it that I never push back so they think everything is chill & I get saltier and saltier which probably warps my view of them. Along with me probably being overly possessive of my son wrt them.
I don’t know them very well though. Until my baby was born I’d met them a handful of times and our conversations are very superficial, so when I say they’re perfectly lovely that’s my on the surface view.. but ive never heard stories of them being shitty ppl nor have I seen them act so, and they discuss all sort of social justice type things that seem to be the mark of “good” people

Show quote history

I really hope that your child’s wife doesn’t treat you like this when they’re older.

Alifemoreordinary123 · 19/12/2024 07:48

It’s not ideal OP, a bit of a rubbish present for your birthday I agree.

But what’s so wrong with grandparents being hugely excited about their grandchild. It’s a ray of light in their life. You have the right to set boundaries but, if they’re lovely people and it’s once a week, can’t you just bask in someone loving your child like you do?

BeLilacSloth · 19/12/2024 07:59

OP this would piss me off too, I would reply with “thank you so much for the night away, my mum will be looking after DS and we can’t wait for a night away just the two of us!”

Sprinklesandsprinkles · 19/12/2024 08:09

So long as you trust them to babysit DC I think it sounds like a lovely gift and I bet they have done it in a loving way. They are staying there too so you don't have to worry about leaving the baby for too long but you get to go and enjoy a meal.

Maybe I'm seeing it differently because we don't live near family and it's so rare to get any babysitting help but I would be made up to be gifted this! Stays over at places like that don't come cheap either!

thepariscrimefiles · 19/12/2024 10:22

pilates · 19/12/2024 07:04

YABVU and ungrateful. Sounds a lovely and generous gift.

It's a lovely gift for them, not for OP. She doesn't like eating out and it isn't just a visit to a wildlife park (which she can do any time as she has a pass), her in-laws will be coming round with them too. That would possibly make sense as a birthday gift for their son as presumably he loves his parents and would enjoy their company, but it's certainly not a treat for OP.

Mumofferal3 · 19/12/2024 11:14

Redrosesposies · 15/12/2024 13:55

Have you any idea how horrible you sound?
If they are "perfectly lovely people" why are you so jealous of them having a relationship with their grandchild?
You suggested you might be unhinged. You could be right.
Take the gift in the spirit it is intended. A chance for them to spend some time with their grandchild but giving you a break at the same time as they clearly know that you won't allow him/her to be with them alone.

Or potentially they know you are unsure about leaving the baby with them and they figured that this would be a compromise?

I would take the offer now becuase in time they won't be so willig if you cut them off now. You have no idea what your situation could be in the future and may come to need them. Especially if they are 'nice enough people', I don't understand your blatant dislike of them.

Thursday5pmisginoclock · 19/12/2024 11:19

One day your DS will become a parent of his own, how will you feel if his DW cuts you out of their life and distances you from your DG. I am sure they are just trying to “help” and give a tired mum a well deserved night off, but at a safe distance in case the baby wants his mummy. I wish I had such thoughtful parents/in-laws!!! 2 children down and I haven’t had a night off with my partner…