Birthday gift from the in-laws

[ProbablyNutsTBH]

Bit of background info: My in-laws are perfectly lovely people. They really love mine and their sons 13mo baby & would see him ALL the time if they could. For some reason, probably cos I’m potentially unhinged, I wouldn’t mind if they only saw him once a month or less. Ultimately they see him about once a week. Which is not enough for them & so Once it’s been 6 days mine and their sons phones are blowing up until we visit them or have them around.

anyway, it was my birthday recently & they were very keen to come over and give me some gifts (aka see their grandson). The gift is a handwritten “voucher” for a night in a hotel near a wildlife park a couple hours away that DH, DS & I have a membership pass to, along with dinner for two for DH and I ….
With “on-site” babysitting at the hotel.
As in, on site babysitting by MIL&FIL.
As in, they will also be coming to the wildlife park… & staying at the same hotel with us.
So they have essentially gifted me the birthday present of a night away with them, so they can have a holiday with their grandson. It just seems so disingenuous/underhanded?
The offer to pay for dinner for two at the hotel is kind, but in context it feels like it’s tacked on as some sort of trojan horse/ so they can justify it as being a “birthday gift”.. like why not just offer us a voucher for dinner for two without the other bullshit? And I can get my own mum to babysit or have options in that regards?

I’m not upset because I want a better gift of course. They could give me a toblerone as a birthday gift and I’d be appreciative… I genuinely wouldn’t give a rats arse if they didn’t give me a birthday present at all, and in fact I’d MUCH prefer that over them roping us into going away with them & acting like it’s a gift “for me”.
I also don’t think this is a “bad” gift in general- if it was a joint family gift for their son & I for Christmas or something, I wouldn’t think that much of it. But for a birthday gift for me personally it feels especially odd.

TL;DR in-laws, who constantly ask to babysit my 13mo & are pretty obsessive over him, gave ‘me’ a birthday gift- a ‘voucher’ to go with them to a wildlife park (that DH, DS & I already have yearlong entry pass to- a gift from my parents), then spend the night with them at a nearby hotel where theyll shout me and their son dinner at the hotel, while they babysit my baby. I feel like they’re being manipulative, im pissed off about it. I also realise my judgement might be clouded.

AIBU in thinking that this is pretty bizarre & manipulative/underhanded? Are they just being lovely & offering a lovely opportunity for me, DH & Bub to have a little holiday with baby sitters on hand & even dinner for two and my incredulous arse is feeling hostile over nothing?

i attempt that, me and dh have had the “we’re responsible for our own family’s” talk 50 times. eventually I just give in and respond to their messages & organise a catch up when he doesn’t contact them for a a fair while cos i can’t just be an arsehole to them? They know I’ve seen the messages and am deliberately not replying after more than a day. They havnt done anything that warrants me cold shouldering them, and I end up feeling like I’m withholding their grandson from them. I can’t shake that obligation long enough to just leave the ball in dh court.

@biscuitsandbooks

You have a lovley set up and obviously your dh arrange it all and you are happy to take baby to see his granddad several times A week.

Op has said her dh isn't great at communicating so they go through her and it's sounding like pretty insistent and dismissive of her.

Do you not think ". Hello blah, how are you, it was great to see you the uther day, we messaged Colin but he didn't reply and we can't wait for him too, could you give him a nudge from us but no worries if your too busy he's our non communicative son after all and we don't want to make this woman's work for you "

Op do what biscuits does and let your dh arrange it.

Perfect.

If my parents gave dh a vacation away with them for the night as a ‘birthday gift’ to him?? I’d piss myself laughing… they would never? they’re well aware that wouldn’t be a ‘gift’ to him. they get along but yeesh.

You don't need to ignore them completely, just respond once with "you'll need to speak to Bob about that" and let your DH handle them. Send the same message over and over if necessary.

Honestly, if you keep doing the same thing (giving in and responding and therefore giving your DH a free pass to ignore them) then nothing is ever going to change.

They're being nice. It'd have been different if they'd given you a voucher for you and your husband to go away without your son but they've really thought about it and tried to do their best.

Huh? I don't have a baby and DH doesn't arrange anything

But I get on with FIL and am quite happy to pop round and see him after work most days - the difference is, it's not expected of me and whether I go (or not) is entirely up to me. I'm not guilt-tripped into anything either way. OP's situation is clearly very different.

It's also increasingly obvious that OP's husband has a difficult relationship with his parents but that's not for OP to solve. If she doesn't want to see them more than once a month, she doesn't have to - her DH can handle any other visits and arrangements. If they message her, she can say "you'll need to speak to Bob about that" and ignore.

My original argument was because it felt like OP was blocking visits, but that turns out not to be the case. As I said upthread, OP shouldn't have to arrange anything but equally if her DH wants to arrange weekly visits, he should be free to do so while she stays home (or does her own thing).

They sound kind and loving and want you to have a nice dinner and also see their grandchild.
I wouldn't read much into it.
Think about how you will feel if your son has a partner as a grown up who would only like you to see him and your grandchild once a month. It may seem like a long way off but believe me it comes around quickly. One day you may be the in-laws and desperate to see your son and grandchild.

It sounds manipulative and smacks of over involvement.
Your phones are blowing up if they don't see you for six days!? Bonkers. Their wants don't trump yours. Be less available.

Does this hotel have a spa at all? A pool? Could you use those facilities while leaving your DH and his parents to look after your child and you will meet up with them again for dinner perhaps?

Wouldn’t be overnight with them though, just for the meal.

YANBU… you sense that your PIL have designed this gift mainly so that they get to spend more time with your child, and I can see why you’d imagine that’s likely. It’s completely understandable that your reaction is to pull away from their intrusive-sounding behaviour. You’re irritated and feeling manipulated, again understandably.
Maybe you could say “Thank you for your thoughtfulness. We’d absolutely love take you up on your offer and have a little break and time away together. Rather than going to the Wildlife Park hotel and restaurant, we’d love to go to X instead. We go regularly to the Wildlife Park, so if you could take care of your grandchild while we enjoy our treat from you at X instead that would be perfect”.
And maybe plan a later and non-confrontational conversation soon, where you set out the situation: you acknowledge that they love seeing their grandchild and you genuinely value that, AND you and your partner need some quiet time alone together with your child. Then you say How can we work this so we all get a little of what we want? Maybe at least for the next few months you could meet every 10-14 days rather than weekly.
If you come from what you and your husband need, rather than from what your PIL are unhelpfully doing, it might help them to not feel attacked/criticised. You’re just expressing reasonably what you need and asking for their help and understanding in that. I know realistically they might still be offended and you’ll have to just bear that, and kindly but firmly stick to your guns.

In relation to them texting your number with messages for your DH, I'd have nipped that one in the bud by sending back a message "I'm sorry but there is no 'Colin' at this number. I think you may have the wrong number".
Your number is your number and not a receptionist number for your DH.

You need to make it clear to your DH that he deals with his parents from now on but if it is something that affects both of you or your kid(s), that he doesn't agree to anything and says that he'll have to check and get back to whoever is asking him to do something.

Just be honest and tell them you don't appreciate their gift because you don't like them and you think they're manipulative and you only want your own mum to babysit, not them.

NOTE: the once a month bit was RHETORICAL.and not relevant to the story beyond me giving an idea of our closeness.. I don’t want them to only see their grandson once a month. I mean I wouldn’t mind only spending time with them once a month personally . I’ve known these people for less than two years. I’m not withholding their son from them.if they want to catch up with him they can organise that with him . Them seeing my baby goes through me because their son is shit at contact with them and they wouldn’t see the baby hardly ever if I didn’t feel like I have a duty to them as their grandsons mother.

@ProbablyNutsTBH to me they sound way too pushy!! how often did they see you and your husband when you were pregnant?? if hardly anytime, then they dont deserve to be included now!! I am with Team OP! remember, if they continue to push and push this annoying manipulation will grow to a deep hatred!! you wont be able to help yourself!

Based on this update - if you cave in, then that's on you. You have to remain firm and let your DH do the organising (or not) with his family.

[quote]i attempt that, me and dh have had the “we’re responsible for our own family’s” talk 50 times. eventually I just give in and respond to their messages & organise a catch up when he doesn’t contact them for a a fair while cos i can’t just be an arsehole to them? They know I’ve seen the messages and am deliberately not replying after more than a day. They havnt done anything that warrants me cold shouldering them, and I end up feeling like I’m withholding their grandson from them. I can’t shake that obligation long enough to just leave the ball in dh court.
[/quote]

I think it’s done with kindness rather than a manipulation tactic. I’d give my right arm for an offer like this. Probably cry on the floor with gratitude in all honesty. But I’m two kids in and desperate for a break.

Some absolutely vile name calling on here by posters! I have reported what I have seen
OP please ignore clearly key board warriors

But you don't have a duty to them - your DH does, but you don't.

I think you need to re-frame how you see this, to be honest, or you'll be back here in another year complaining that nothing has changed and they're still harassing you for meet-ups.

If your DH chooses not to bother arranging a visit, that's entirely his decision. You don't have to step in and do it for him. He's a grown adult and if he really wanted to organise it, he would. You have no reason to feel guilty for his failures and choices.

I’d definitely be declining the wildlife park and hotel invitation and wouldn’t find it too hard to think of several plausible reasons why the trip wouldn’t be a good idea based on the child’s age, his food requirements and sleeping habits.
Instead of them spending so much money on the hotel and meals for everyone I’d be very tempted to ask whether they’d be willing to treat you and OH to a meal out locally whilst they babysat. If they show no enthusiasm for this, so be it. At least the wildlife park idea has been knocked on the head and you provided them with an alternative which shows you are not averse to them looking after him.
If you suggested that they arrived sometime late in the afternoon you would be there to supervise your son’s tea and bath and be able to make sure he was asleep before you went out. All the better if there is a camera in his room as they won’t be tempted to try and disturb hiim
Whether or not their proposed trip to the wildlife park had some ulterior motive, the OP’s PIL appear to be oblivious to the practicalities of taking a little one away, even for just one night. In my view the whole trip has the potential to be a disastrous experience for everyone and in the circumstances best avoided at all costs

No, there’s just a handful of overnight rooms upstairs from the restaurant. But tbh I just looked up the accomodation and they actually say no under 16s and they don’t accomodate even kids or babes so ummm yeh…

so essentially they've given you the gift of a meal out (which you're not that keen on anyway) but ONLY in a specific place they've picked and only once you've spent money on petrol getting there and written off most of your weekend, and spent the day with them at a park you've been to before and could go at any time?

Yeah, bit of a crap present. But tbh it sounds like if, every time they ask 'so when shall we use the "voucher" you reply "Seeing as it's for my birthday I've told DH to organise it," it'll probably never happen, so happy days. Just make sure you pencil something in for at least one day every weekend on the family calendar, even if it's something you later cancel, or something vague like "Meet up with B?"

Are you happy for them to babysit your DS? If so, it sounds like it will solve a lot of issue if you just proactively get them to do so every so often. If not then again just tell them, I appreciate you'll be in the same hotel but I'm not really up for DS sleeping apart from us yet, let's leave the voucher for a year or two.

This 100 times over.

If PIL genuinely wanted to give OP a break, they wouldn't have suggested a meal that requires a 4 hour round trip, followed by a night of disrupted sleep since generally babies don't sleep well in unfamiliar surroundings.

for the chance to have dinner downstairs from your kids? After spending the day with your in laws? I’ll be one and done if that’s how rough 2 is.