Birthday gift from the in-laws

[ProbablyNutsTBH]

Bit of background info: My in-laws are perfectly lovely people. They really love mine and their sons 13mo baby & would see him ALL the time if they could. For some reason, probably cos I’m potentially unhinged, I wouldn’t mind if they only saw him once a month or less. Ultimately they see him about once a week. Which is not enough for them & so Once it’s been 6 days mine and their sons phones are blowing up until we visit them or have them around.

anyway, it was my birthday recently & they were very keen to come over and give me some gifts (aka see their grandson). The gift is a handwritten “voucher” for a night in a hotel near a wildlife park a couple hours away that DH, DS & I have a membership pass to, along with dinner for two for DH and I ….
With “on-site” babysitting at the hotel.
As in, on site babysitting by MIL&FIL.
As in, they will also be coming to the wildlife park… & staying at the same hotel with us.
So they have essentially gifted me the birthday present of a night away with them, so they can have a holiday with their grandson. It just seems so disingenuous/underhanded?
The offer to pay for dinner for two at the hotel is kind, but in context it feels like it’s tacked on as some sort of trojan horse/ so they can justify it as being a “birthday gift”.. like why not just offer us a voucher for dinner for two without the other bullshit? And I can get my own mum to babysit or have options in that regards?

I’m not upset because I want a better gift of course. They could give me a toblerone as a birthday gift and I’d be appreciative… I genuinely wouldn’t give a rats arse if they didn’t give me a birthday present at all, and in fact I’d MUCH prefer that over them roping us into going away with them & acting like it’s a gift “for me”.
I also don’t think this is a “bad” gift in general- if it was a joint family gift for their son & I for Christmas or something, I wouldn’t think that much of it. But for a birthday gift for me personally it feels especially odd.

TL;DR in-laws, who constantly ask to babysit my 13mo & are pretty obsessive over him, gave ‘me’ a birthday gift- a ‘voucher’ to go with them to a wildlife park (that DH, DS & I already have yearlong entry pass to- a gift from my parents), then spend the night with them at a nearby hotel where theyll shout me and their son dinner at the hotel, while they babysit my baby. I feel like they’re being manipulative, im pissed off about it. I also realise my judgement might be clouded.

AIBU in thinking that this is pretty bizarre & manipulative/underhanded? Are they just being lovely & offering a lovely opportunity for me, DH & Bub to have a little holiday with baby sitters on hand & even dinner for two and my incredulous arse is feeling hostile over nothing?

BeLilacSloth.

As a MIL I’d be so upset by that message.

I would have loved my late in-laws to make that kind of offer, but they seemed terrified of our children as babies! We did go away with them once and they never even offered to take the children for a walk in the pram!!! I suspect they think you would prefer what they offered to leaving your son at home with them and having a night away? This way you are never far away.

I think this is partly a you issue - if they are good people I don’t understand why you don’t want them in your child’s life more. That is a bit odd. I hardly ever left my children with anyone when they were little, so I can understand that, but grandparents are generally a bit different - especially if keen. I also love restaurants though!

This. It’s also worth thinking about it from their point of view. If you are lucky, you will be a MIL/grandparent one day.

But OP is entitled to leave her child with whoever she feels comfortable! Surely even as a mil, using DIL’s birthday as an excuse just to see a grandchild is cheeky and too full on

Yes, but that message is a clear "nyah, nyah". Nasty.

Why do you hate them so much? This post is oozing hate for your in-laws! And they know you hate them but still try to have a relationship with you!

You don’t like them much do you?
Granted it’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but it’s not terrible. How dare they enjoy being a grandparent, that is awful for them.

YABU think this sounds great. Would have loved this as an offer as we very rarely had any help in that way.

My deceased mil was very different to me in every way but I could never have been rude or nasty to her. I would have accepted any present she gave with grave even if I didn’t like it.

I totally understand the OP view, gifts with strings are a nightmare. Far better to give a small gift without strings - I would much rather a gift like chocolate for less than five pounds than a gift with strings attached.

I can't believe how people can't see the gift was for them, not you. Which makes for a crap gift, better to give nothing.

And they sound overly pushy in general. Can you fix the day you drip off DGC every week so there's no need for communication about it?

Eh is it just me who would jump at this chance? I would be thrilled to have such supportive people in mine and my child’s life.

Ive lost my mam and she adored my eldest son (youngest wasn’t here when she was alive) and she was always on hand like this. They had the best bond… and my MIL is the same to be honest. She would move heaven and earth to build the best relationship with my children

I'm interested to know why you consistently refer to your partner as "their son". It's as if you don't want to acknowledge his role in your life and in that of your child any more than you do their's. Equally telling is your comment about you being perfectly able to get your mother to babysit. I think you have to accept that your child belongs to you and your parents in law's son and your in laws are every bit as much your child's grandparents as your parents are. Are you worried that the child might actually enjoy their time with them or something?

OP I think this is actually 50% of one and 50% of the other. I think they have actually tried to make this a nice gift for you, in that they know you like the venue as you have a pass for it, and they know you wouldn't want to be away from your baby, so they haven't suggested you going away without him, but also you get some quality time with your husband, at a meal for just the two of you. Of course it is also nice for them, in that they get some quality time with your son, but I don't think that matters - that's just incidental.

Whilst they've tried to do something nice, I think there are still two issues here - 1) this trip doesn't actually appeal to you. That's OK! It's OK to say, "thank you so much for the gift, it's a really lovely thought and very generous, but I'm not keen to travel so far or that keen on eating out in a restaurant, so let's leave it for the time being, but maybe sometime in future when DS is old enough to join in?". That's polite but still holding your boundary of not being pushed to do something you don't want to do.

2. they are using you as a skivvy to organise everything for their grandson, as their son is useless. This is a tricky one because you don't work and your DH does, plus it sounds like he struggles with his ADHD, so if you didn't organise anything then your son wouldn't have much of a relationship with them. This isn't your fault or your responsibility but I think it's nice of you to meet them halfway, to maintain the relationships. So, I would come up with a routine that you are genuinely happy with and a means of communication that you are genuinely happy with and then stick to that. E.G. DH and I both call our parents on a Sun evening - would this work for you? that way they get a guaranteed chat with their son and he can also then organise the next meet up with their grandson. I think it's nice for you to facilitate some of those trips as you don't work, so have a lot more free time. But if once a week is too much, then that's fair enough. However I think you wouldn't mind so much if they weren't also badgering you on the phone all the time and the weekly call with their son should hopefully solve that!

Good luck!

you do realise it is THEIR grandson and you are depriving your son to time with grandparents for unreasonable reasons that are all about “you”. i am stopping myself from saying more because likely the mods would remove this post.

Decent dgps are a bonus for a dc.. Not at the expense of their dm's mental health... It isn't obligatory to have dgps... My dc don't. Better than them being around either mine /dh's dps... Being emotionally blackmailed into being apart from your dc isn't the basis of any healthy relationship..

Good grief, it isn't "emotional blackmail". Massive overstatement.

@ProbablyNutsTBH I hope you did not use the voucher yet.

I would argue you have two options if you don't want to cause drama:

• Accept the gift as it is and that's it
• Accept the gift but make clear they don't need to babysit your DS cause you want him to be with you and your DH

I do feel maybe you're reading a little too much into their intent and they're just typical overbearing GP because they're excited for having a GS, but fact is even if there's no malicious intent they still gave a gift with strings attached, unlike what some seem to think a real gift don't have any strings attached, so I think it's valid you have mixed feelings over it, but it's quite possible or even likely they don't realize how it looks and you can't help but see it more negative than it is due to them being overbearing.

From what you said you don't necessarely dislike your PIL, you simply find them overbearing at times, my suggestion is that you build boundaries and keep them, a perfect example of that is how your PIL keep sending you messages that are for your DH, they don't even send message for you to tell him something, it's outright message for him and completely ignores you, never let that happen again, you're not your husband secretary, ignore or even delete those messages if they don't stop.

Maybe you should try have more of a routine with them, like every Saturday take your DS to see them, like that they won't need to keep bothering you about seeing their GS nor send a bunch of messages asking about it, though I feel you would need to do the same for your parents too so both sides are happy.

My suggestion is to accept the gift and make it a family dinner, it's your gift after all, so you decide how to use it, they might get sad and disappointed but such is life, but if they get defensive or even confrontational then you have your proof that it was purposely underhanded and manipulative tact from them to have your GS for themselves all day.

I also suggest you ignore all the backlash you're getting here, yeah it's sad that some people can't be part of their GC life for some reason, some don't have PIL in their DC life, or that they get no support at all, but that is their problem, they don't get to project their bitterness on your or judge you because you want to do what is best for you and your family, you said yourself that, you don't need a break from your son, the fact that so many ignore that and attack you because you dare to not want to separate from your son proves that a lot of the attack is done in bad faith, the fact that they clearly hope you suffer what they suffer when you have GC is more than enough proof that all their attack is done out of malice and bitterness, it oozes from them.

I want to repeat you need to build boundaries, boundaries are healthy, boundaries are good, it's your son, you get to decide how and when your PIL see them, it has to be on your terms, not theirs, you're only thinking of now but you need to remember this will keep happening until DS is an adult and move to build his own life, if you don't take control of the situation it will only get worse as he grows old cause they'll want more and more time with him, which is not bad, but they can't be the ones in control, you and DH are the ones that need to be in control, it's literally your duty as parents.

Build boundaries and don't give in, you're already getting tired and stressed with them being overbearing, it will only get worse in the long run, you'll start to feel bitter about them being overbearing, your negative feelings for them will only get worse unless you change things.

Take control of things now before someone feelings really get hurt, your PIL are adults so treat them like adults, no is a complete sentence as they say, you said before that you and DH had the “we’re responsible for our own family’s” talk 50 times and eventually you give in, if you can't have a firm hand and have boundaries with your PIL how will you be able to have it with your DS when he's older? If DS keeps forcing on something he wants will you eventually give in just like you did for his GP? And what if PIL spoil him too much and he starts thinking he can do anything and everything he wants cause they spoiled him rotten?

Maybe buy yourself a spine as birthday gift and stop giving in after building boundaries.

Build boundaries, they're healthy and good for everyone involved, mentally and emotionally, do that now while DS is young before things really get out of control.

Sorry the rant （ﾉ´д｀）

I think what you said is a stretch... op doesn't sound jealous she just sounds alittle frustrated at the obsession of it all. It sounds as if they are over bearing and op is picking up on that. Remember, that's her baby not the grandparents, they've had their time with their own kids and need to calm down the obsession. They don't have to see the child every bloody week or arrange trips where they attend as well.. this kind of behaviour isn't kind it's thoughtless.

I wish I had in laws you wanted to baby sit

@ProbablyNutsTBH

Here’s an idea. Say “thank you so much for the idea of a dinner out, I’d love that. Unfortunately [place name] doesn’t allow under 16s and to be honest, I don’t need a night off from [baby name] he’s such an easy baby. Can we convert it to a dinner for me and DH at our local Italian? No need for any babysitting so you’re off the hook there.”

Then see what they say. You’re being v grateful and accepting the dinner, but not the parts of the ‘gift’ you don’t want. It would call their bluff and might get the present you actually want!