Birthday gift from the in-laws

[ProbablyNutsTBH]

Bit of background info: My in-laws are perfectly lovely people. They really love mine and their sons 13mo baby & would see him ALL the time if they could. For some reason, probably cos I’m potentially unhinged, I wouldn’t mind if they only saw him once a month or less. Ultimately they see him about once a week. Which is not enough for them & so Once it’s been 6 days mine and their sons phones are blowing up until we visit them or have them around.

anyway, it was my birthday recently & they were very keen to come over and give me some gifts (aka see their grandson). The gift is a handwritten “voucher” for a night in a hotel near a wildlife park a couple hours away that DH, DS & I have a membership pass to, along with dinner for two for DH and I ….
With “on-site” babysitting at the hotel.
As in, on site babysitting by MIL&FIL.
As in, they will also be coming to the wildlife park… & staying at the same hotel with us.
So they have essentially gifted me the birthday present of a night away with them, so they can have a holiday with their grandson. It just seems so disingenuous/underhanded?
The offer to pay for dinner for two at the hotel is kind, but in context it feels like it’s tacked on as some sort of trojan horse/ so they can justify it as being a “birthday gift”.. like why not just offer us a voucher for dinner for two without the other bullshit? And I can get my own mum to babysit or have options in that regards?

I’m not upset because I want a better gift of course. They could give me a toblerone as a birthday gift and I’d be appreciative… I genuinely wouldn’t give a rats arse if they didn’t give me a birthday present at all, and in fact I’d MUCH prefer that over them roping us into going away with them & acting like it’s a gift “for me”.
I also don’t think this is a “bad” gift in general- if it was a joint family gift for their son & I for Christmas or something, I wouldn’t think that much of it. But for a birthday gift for me personally it feels especially odd.

TL;DR in-laws, who constantly ask to babysit my 13mo & are pretty obsessive over him, gave ‘me’ a birthday gift- a ‘voucher’ to go with them to a wildlife park (that DH, DS & I already have yearlong entry pass to- a gift from my parents), then spend the night with them at a nearby hotel where theyll shout me and their son dinner at the hotel, while they babysit my baby. I feel like they’re being manipulative, im pissed off about it. I also realise my judgement might be clouded.

AIBU in thinking that this is pretty bizarre & manipulative/underhanded? Are they just being lovely & offering a lovely opportunity for me, DH & Bub to have a little holiday with baby sitters on hand & even dinner for two and my incredulous arse is feeling hostile over nothing?

@biscuitsandbooks I adore my dp but appreciate dh may not and if my dp came around once a week I'd be extremely happy with that level of tolerance from him I'd be very greatful.
Once a week is a lot.

My ils once offered to pay for a short break for our young family to centre parcs- we were so excited and grateful. Anyways, it turned out that not only were they planning to come.. they were planning on staying in the same lodge with us.
It was really awkward as I then declined as this would definitely not felt like a break to me. Being in a small space with ils is not a holiday 🤣 However, my ils are awful and we didn’t really have a relationship
My advice is go if you want the night away, if you don’t then just don’t go.

I imagine they'd be just as happy to see their grandson at their house without OP - she doesn't have to be involved and see them weekly if she doesn't want to.

Though I get the feeling she wouldn't allow that...

I understand what you mean about it being more of a gift to themselves than to you.

But they are as much your child's grandparents than your parents are. It did come across in your post that the issue is not the present, but more you want to keep them at arms length whilst at the same time being happy for your own parents to be involved.

Unless there is backstory, then you seem to be favouring your parents over them and that's not fair.

If you feel they are being overly pushy, then you need to address that, but you can still be fair. Encourage DH to visit with baby on his own.

Imagine sat opposite dh in the restaurant.. Dc is screaming from mil's table for you.... Mil adamant dc is just fine... And you are expected to enjoy your evening...

@biscuitsandbooks the child is still very young and the in laws seem very very pushy. Unfortunately it's human nature to pull back when anyone is that pushy..

The bottom line is, this is not a gift for op at all it's a badly disguised gift to themselves which sends all sorts of messages to op.

I don't think it's pushy to want to see your grandchild once a week. It sounds very normal to me.

There seems to be a trend on MN where people dismiss their in-laws and their feelings at the drop of a hat, but quite happily allow their own parents unlimited contact with the baby. It's horrible.

Again, only if you choose to view it that way. I bet if OP's mum was offering to babysit, she wouldn't be on here bitching about it

Perhaps, it depends on ops mum and how much she needs to see her gc?

Exactly!

As a busy mum I would love a break, but a restaurant (attached to a wildlife park 🤨) where I can see/hear my baby at a neighbouring table wouldn't exactly top the list. Not only that, but small children don't tend to settle well in unfamiliar surroundings so it'd probably be a shit night of sleep too!

I'm mean, I am jealous. 😂 Some people have literally no help and would love to have loving grandparents on hand to give them a break. It would be different if you said they were horrible people. I know it's hard when technically it's not your family. We see our in-laws regularly and are so so lucky that they help out a couple of times a week with school pick ups. We don't ask them to babysit very often because we don't want to take advantage as they already do 2 afternoons while we both work (& am aware of how privileged we are). A hotel break would be lovely though 😂. It sounds like their intentions are good. Let them dote on their grandchild and enjoy your free time.

Haha definitely not.. I actually am not a fan of eating at restaurants at all, which they have heard me/dh say several times on conversation but I’m giving them the benefit of the doubt they forgot that, it’s not like its a central or notable part of who I am and the conversations where it’s come up havnt been particularly memorable

I wouldn’t see this as a present tbh. I’d hate to go away with my in laws but I also wouldn’t want to leave baby with in laws to look after her.

I assume as it’s a handwritten voucher they’ll just book it when you say so maybe just put it off a bit.

True - maybe OP is just not very close to anyone in either family.

But I can't see that wanting to see your grandchild once a week is excessive, but then I live 5 minutes from DH's dad and see him 4-5 times a week...I can't imagine telling him he was only allowed to see us once a month. It sounds so cold and uncaring.

I would love to have in laws like this.

@biscuitsandbooks that's an awful lot isn't it and it's wonderful that you have that relationship with him

I'm sure you appreciate however that not everyone shares the same rosy picture.
You may feel differently if he started to bombard you with calls and turned up every day because 5 times a week still wasn't enough for him?

And after this campaign then gave you a Voucher which means he has to look after your dc when you think 5 times a week really is plenty?

There was NO malice at all in the gift.
You are making this into a problem.

I would think they just thought it would be nice for you to have some quality time away with your husband.
I know many people who would love a gift like that.
You sound as though you really dislike your in-laws. Is there more to this story

A much better gift would be a "voucher" for a spa day near your house with the promise of babysitting there. That would only be better if the OP enjoyed spa days.

Pretty presumptuous, especially with you also saying that I probably control how much dh sees his parents. If it wasn’t for me responding to them and organising catch ups with them they’d never see either their son or grandson. DH cbf’d talking to them. Adhd thing mostly. I’m not responsible for his family but I still make the effort that they can see Bub once a week cos I do appreciate that they are his grandparents. Fairly often I drive my baby over to them so they can “babysit” him. I don’t need them to. I just go home for a couple hours and wait to pick him up- I like them but I don’t really want to hang out with them without dh, so I do that for their sake so they can spend time with their grandson anyway.

But whether you have a rosy relationship with your in-laws or not, you can't just unilaterally decide to exclude them from your lives. OP chose to marry her husband and that means she now has a relationship with his parents and other relatives too. You don't marry someone in a vacuum.

I know MN is very big on "our little family" but the reality is that her DH's parents love their son and grandchild and want to be part of their lives - so why does she get to decide that once a week is too much? Does their son not get a say too?

It seems to me that OP has taken a dislike to her in-laws for wanting to be part of her child's life and is pissed off because they won't just accept seeing their grandchild one a month like she wants.

If your DH can't be arsed with them, why do either of you see them in the first place?

Sounds like an amazing birthday present!

I don’t think it’s pushy to want to see your grandchild once a week.

I think they are doing a nice thing , allowing you to visit somewhere that would normally be too far , with hotel and dinner paid for a baby sitter for a couple of hours on tap.
Sounds very generous , you won’t spend the whole time with them. A generous gift that they will enjoy giving . And nothing wrong with that .