Ainu to not want to buy step kids Christmas present

[Mamana127]

I have two step daughters one if now 27 and the other one 25 I have known them for 13 years and each Christmas ever since I met them i have bought them presents, nice girly things which they love.
They are now working with really good jobs one earning 150k a year and another 70k. They have been working for over 3 years now. But I have never received even a slicked Carrot from them. They buy their dad presents and nothing for me and my kids. During their birthdays my kids make them crafts and I buy them presents but I’ve never received any for my birthday either or the kids birthday either.
This year while wrapping presents my husband asked me where their presents were? I said I’m not buying them any as they have never got me anything not even a Christmas card. He got really mad and said I’m older I should behave better and two wrongs don’t make a right.
I asked him if he has ever asked them why they don’t buy me anything he said they are old enough to make their minds. Ok and I’m not old enough to make my mind?
when we go on holiday I buy them stuff and they sometimes accept or reject that they don’t like, it I spoke to my MIL about this and she said to me they to stop trying to buy them that they don’t like you.
i have never done anything to these beautiful girls, I met their dad way after he had split frozen their mum and had been in other relationship before me.
I haven’t been trying to buy their love I’ve just been trying to be nice to them. So this year I decided to heed my MIL’s advice, and it blew up into a big argument between me and DH. Mind you DH gets them gifts too so I suggested he writes that it’s from both of us and refused. I’m I right or I’m I being petty.
I mean having to take that decision was hard for my heart but I felt I needed to do it.

They are embarrassingly rude, and your DH is horrible.

The best option would have been for him to have a word with them.
He has refused to do that so YANBU.

You're not being unreasonable, how hurtful. Their Dad should buy them something then and he should be trying to mediate between you. Especially if your kids make them gifts and cards and this has never been reciprocated. Really poor form on his part, I'd be very disappointed

You’re right.
Your husband is an absolute prick.
Why on earth are you allowing your children to be treated like this - making them cards etc..

Sadly you should have insisted earlier than this that the gifts are from both of you. I understand you may want to keep the peace but I would now stop.

You're absolutely in the right, your husband and his daughters are absolutely in the wrong, and if there's anything a middle class man of a certain age cannot stand, it's clearly being in the wrong, you might as well corner a cobra in the bath tub.

You have a DH problem.

You're right to stop.

DH sounds like a twat. Also - why have you even been buying seperate gifts anyway? There would be absolutely nothing wrong at all with the gifts he buys being from both of you, that's what most people would do.

They aren’t little kids you don’t need to buy them anything. You should have a reciprocal adult relationship or no relationship. Your dh is the one in the wrong. He's right they are old enough to decide what relationship they want, but so are you. The “you are the older one” is irrelevant at their ages, yous are all adults.

Echoing the above. They’re rude and your DH is a dick. Don’t get them anything

you are absolutely right. I bought birthday and christmas gifts for years for my nieces and nephews, from when I was in my mid teens, even when I was a skint student working 2 part time jobs. Even as a young child I was encouraged to save a little of my pocket money and buy them something because I was their older aunt (by just a few years). When they were all adults (and all working) I was still buying for them, whilst they bought nothing for me or my own children in return. One year when my kids were young teens I decided not to bother sending the relatives anything as most of them earn a heck of a lot more than me and I was fed up of them not reciprocating and at least sending something for my kids. So I spent the extra money I had saved on my own two teenagers instead. I have done that ever since and it’s much better.

DH's gifts to them are from both of you surely? He's being weird - YANBU

The fact that your DH doesn’t write your name is a red flag. Why on earth?

What a nasty selfish family and that includes your DH.

I like the sound of your MIL follow her advice.

We have nephews & nieces (husband side) who we buy for & their nauseating sprogs. Never ONCE have I ever heard them say thanks & they certainly have never bought us anything.
Last year I bought all the little sprogs musical instruments…think drum, tambourine, mouth organ, triangle, xylophone.
Silent night not!

Why would you and your husband be buying separate gifts? That is a bit odd tbh. I have never once bought a separate gift from my husband for anyone.

i would probably have talked this over with my husband a few months ahead and decided on a joint approach

Your husband sounds horrid and the set up is a bit weird, he buys them presents and you do to? Surely from the start he should’ve just been putting your name on the gift he buys them. I’ve never really come across both people in a couple buying two separate gifts for someone.
My boyfriend and I have been together for a few years, and from our first Christmas onward we just carried on buying gifts for our family as we always did when we were single, but this time putting both of our names on the tag. The only difference is, for our parents, we think of a gift together and it’s much bigger than what we did before when jt was just us. We tend to go for experience gifts for them now, like a nice restaurant voucher, afternoon tea or hotel stay.
And as for the step daughters not getting you anything, your husband should have said something to them ages ago. I have two aunts and an uncle (none of them have kids) and they’ve always bought me and my sibling Christmas presents, and when we were kids/teenagers my mum and dad would buy them a gift “from the four of us” but it naturally happened that mum would spend more to equal out the cost. So for example, my aunt might spend £15 on me, brother, mum, dad individually, and my mum would get her a £60 gift from the four of us. Actual cost was never discussed, we aren’t that transactional, but you can loosely guage.
Anyway, in my early 20s, it just never crossed my MIND to start buying my aunts and uncle a gift, now that I was working et. And when I was about 22 my mum said to me and my brother “I think you should start getting your own presents now for your aunts and uncle, you’re adults now and you’re earning, they buy you a gift each Christmas and I think you need to do the same.” And I thought… gosh, of course! And couldn’t actually believe it had never really occurred to me. So since then, my early 20s, my brother and I have always bought our own gifts for my aunts and uncle. My mum did need to give us a little push to do this now (not because we didn’t want to, it just never occurred), and that’s exactly what your husband should have done to his daughters, many years ago.

I wouldn't have any respect for my husband in this situation. I'd be really embarrassed if my children behaved like his and would tell my husband not to spend a penny on them.

What is your husband like in other ways? I find it hard to believe this is a good relationship.

Your stepdaughters sound dreadful but clearly they learned their lack of manners from your awful DH. You shouldn’t live with someone who has utter disregard for your feelings. Of course he won’t say anything to them because in his eyes their feelings are more important than yours. Unfortunately being a stepmother means you are usually no-one’s priority, and as a stepmother myself I truly get that, but you need to put your foot down here. If the rest of your relationship is like this you should be making plans.

Rude little brats. You do have a DH problem though. Good luck with it.

YANBU at all. It was odd to begin with that you'd buy them a separate gift, imo. Usually couples buy a gift jointly for each child. Of course it may be a bit different when you're a step-parent joining the family with older children, but still probably unusual for each of you to buy for them separately.

You're absolutely right that it's rude of them as adults to not acknowledge you or your children with any gifts in return. If that's what they want to do, they surely can't expect you to continue to buy for them, and your husband is being a jerk to expect this to continue indefinitely.