Ainu to not want to buy step kids Christmas present

[Mamana127]

I have two step daughters one if now 27 and the other one 25 I have known them for 13 years and each Christmas ever since I met them i have bought them presents, nice girly things which they love.
They are now working with really good jobs one earning 150k a year and another 70k. They have been working for over 3 years now. But I have never received even a slicked Carrot from them. They buy their dad presents and nothing for me and my kids. During their birthdays my kids make them crafts and I buy them presents but I’ve never received any for my birthday either or the kids birthday either.
This year while wrapping presents my husband asked me where their presents were? I said I’m not buying them any as they have never got me anything not even a Christmas card. He got really mad and said I’m older I should behave better and two wrongs don’t make a right.
I asked him if he has ever asked them why they don’t buy me anything he said they are old enough to make their minds. Ok and I’m not old enough to make my mind?
when we go on holiday I buy them stuff and they sometimes accept or reject that they don’t like, it I spoke to my MIL about this and she said to me they to stop trying to buy them that they don’t like you.
i have never done anything to these beautiful girls, I met their dad way after he had split frozen their mum and had been in other relationship before me.
I haven’t been trying to buy their love I’ve just been trying to be nice to them. So this year I decided to heed my MIL’s advice, and it blew up into a big argument between me and DH. Mind you DH gets them gifts too so I suggested he writes that it’s from both of us and refused. I’m I right or I’m I being petty.
I mean having to take that decision was hard for my heart but I felt I needed to do it.

Yes he does. Or gives them money. And that’s why he was asking me why I haven’t got them presents this year.

It is so bizarre to me that he would buy them presents just off him and expect you to do the same off you. That isn't normal.

I think it probably says a lot about your relationship? Doesn't sound like he sees you as being part of a team.

You have a massive DH problem here and I'm guessing he's enabled his dds bad behaviour massively over the years hence their disregard for you.

So you are a glorified housekeeper? Ltb and don't look back.. Bonus being you can't be rid of the leeches also... Possibly keep in contact with mil!! Just to hear how they manage without you!

Yanbu.
It's perfectly normal for all gifts to be "from" both members of a married couple so whatever he has bought them should be from you too. That your crap DH is refusing this and expecting you to spend on his daughters with no hope of reciprocation is pathetic on his part.. It's fine for both you and your stepdaughters to decide you aren't on each other's gift lists.

Usually I'm always biased toward step children but to have your dc make them things and still get nothing for them is not kind.
I'm amazed though that your dh brought them gifts seperate and didn't always add your name??

No don't do it op and remind him what his mum said

Thank you all for your opinions and advice, some of them made me cry for myself.
I’m happy that I’m making baby steps in recognising that I don’t have to please people. And if someone rejects me it’s their loss.
This is hard but through therapy I’m breaking the rejection trauma I suffered as a child which one brick at a time,
this is what has led me to over please people and never seeing anything wrong when people treat me badly.
one brick at a time I will get there. I’ve shed tones of friends, and even family. I miss them but they never appreciated me. Im learning to love me, I recognise that not everyone thinks the way I do, not everyone is kind either, but I don’t have to please them at all.
It’s funny I teach my kids not to people please but they see me doing it. but thank God they are strong confident kids.
when my step kids come I toil in the kitchen cooking for them and their boyfriends and none of them ever helps only DH helps.
Then I’m left to tidy up while they drink and merry. Yes it’s been awful I cry about it after and keep it inside, hoping they will see sense or be kind back but it’s not happening.
my DH is a nice person to me but he would never say boo to his daughters, whatever they say goes. When we got married I chose a date and the 27 year old said we can’t get married that day because it’s a day before her birthday I thought it was a joke but he was actually begging me to pick a different date. My MIL went ballistic at him as I was just stunned into silence. I just couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I said no and she didn’t come to the wedding the youngest one came though and even did a reading.

All in all I’ve given up now. I’m not buying presents nor entertaining their nonsense or my DH’s nonsense. I’m fighting the urge to keep being good. I’m doing me and saying no to things that make me sad, I’ve got an amazing therapist who is helping me deal with this. Who knows who I will be after this journey.

I thank you all. ❤️❤️❤️.

Tell your DH not to buy separate gifts from him to your kids to even it out. (Although I can probably take a punt he doesn't buy them anything anyway.....)

They sound like a right pair of selfish spoit brats to be honest.

They sound awful, although your MIL sounds sensible and - hopefully - kind to you? Value the people who value you back, OP

Please tell me you’re going to ask them to clean up after themselves too….? Wash the dishes? Empty the dishwasher? Buy a takeaway? Something?

Sorry OP they sound ungrateful and doesn’t sound like your DH has helped this particular situation. Gifts for SC have always been from both of us and we both contribute equally to Christmas spends so it’s definitely a joint effort here.

I think you need to value the people that value you

When we got married I chose a date and the 27 year old said we can’t get married that day because it’s a day before her birthday I thought it was a joke but he was actually begging me to pick a different date. My MIL went ballistic at him as I was just stunned into silence. I just couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I said no and she didn’t come to the wedding the youngest one came though and even did a reading.

Bloody hell. I'm lost for words. Honestly, your dh is the issue here.

I second @Fraaances - @Mamana127 - in the day ask for help in a manner that would make it churlish for them to refuse.

I’ll let you lot load the dishwasher whilst I do ‘this’ / get a well deserved drink.

Give them jobs, leave the clearing till later and DH can do it. You’ve done the main brunt of the work - don’t do it all. Sit down with them and everytime someone stands up ask them to get you a top up etc.

No way should you buy them anything. Life is based on give and take and they take without giving which makes them selfish..........you owe those two nothing and he owes you an apology for his toxic attitude.

Good question - does your DH buy his own present to your DC, or do you just add his name onto whatever you buy? Are you happy with the arrangements? Are they fair?

The transition from being a child who receives gifts to an adult who gives them can be tricky, especially around the late teens, but by the early twenties most young adults have cottoned on that they should be buying reciprocal gifts.
That these two young women haven't realised is down to very poor parenting by your DH. It is his job to point out to them where they are going wrong.

Do they buy him gifts? If not, it shows they are still in a parent-child relationship with him, rather than adult-adult, and so by extension they are not relating to you as equal adults.

You should not be expected to buy gifts for adult family members, especially if they don't reciprocate. Well done for calling a halt to this.

Wow ..nasty husband you have there ..he's not in your corner is he

What awful, ungrateful young women. Your H should be ashamed of himself. I hope your MIL said what she says out of kindness for you, and not nastiness.

Well done for sticking up for yourself. There is no way you should provide you and your DC as an audience for their bad manners and unkindness.

Another option… “Oh you’re here? What are you cooking?”

I hope you're protected if the worst happens, OP. I imagine he's going to leave everything he has to his spoiled, rude daughters, (who have made it clear that they don't like you and he doesn't care that they don't, only about how you treat them), and if that includes a house, you need to make sure you have enough funds to survive comfortably.

Personally, it sounds like a relationship that isn't bringing anything positive into your life and I'd think about it this is how you want to spend the rest of your life.

And remember that this isn't you walking away from the relationship merely that you have finally accepted that this is what they want and you have decided to no longer fight it. Well done, feel no guilt, regret is OK as you have tried so long to turn it around but it takes two to tango and their heart clearly wasn't in it and your DH has totally disregarded your feelings and needs a kick up the bum.

Well done OP and don't be slaving in the kitchen either!
Simply say we are getting a takeaway what do you guys want right for your food it's £20, wire it to your dad!
Your DH definitely needs to stand up to them and well done on you not caving in.

I very much doubt he buys separate gifts for your DC so just point this out that it's ridiculous and yes you did it initially but it time that stopped starting now.

Be warned for them sulking!

I think you should speak to your children and gently explain how some people are not very nice and can take advantage of. others kindness and use your sdc as examples. Explain how one sided the relationship is and how it is perfectly acceptable to politely put your foot down and refuse to be used. Tell dp what mil said and that you are following her advice so whilst you will be civil the days of buying them gifts and slaving in the kitchen are over. I would also tell him his dcs behaviour is a damning indictment of his parenting . Good luck you deserve better

As a fellow people pleaser I am so
proud of you OP

Leaving aside the issues in your marriage for a moment - you need to speak to the step DDs and say something like - 'As you know I have always given gifts for your birthdays and Christmas. It seems you do not want a reciprocal arrangement, so I assume you won't mind if I stop the presents from now on'.
That puts the ball in their court to say something. Then, whatever they say, keep to your decision. Bullies respect people who stand up to them, and tend to despise those who try to placate them. After all these years, enough is enough, so firmly draw that line
Good luck with your therapy journey OP.

This. OP, the step children aren't really the problem here, it's your husband. He is setting the tone for the amount of disrespect that you are getting

Wow your stepdaughters ungrateful and nasty little bitches! I'm speechless at you being told you can't have your wedding the day before her birthday and your 'darling husband' begging you to change the date 😱😱

Good for you @Mamana127 for no longer putting up with it anymore but you have a bigger problem than your ungrateful SD and that's your husband. I cannot wrap my head around him allowing this for 13 years! Then to think you're wrong to not buy them presents. Its funny how he's wimp and won't dare stand up to his daughters but he's got plently of backbone to tell you that you can't stop buying his daughters gift and refuse to host them!

Don't you dare buy or cook anything for him to make them OP tell him they're his kids he can do all the prep himself. I honestly couldn't stay with a man who lacked such a back bone but had plenty of it to tell me I must put up with such rude, enetitled and nasty behaviour my vagina would be as dry as the desert and snap shut what a turn off.

You're MIL certainly has the measure of your SD makes me wonder if they have behaved the same way with her. Has she said anything to your H about this?