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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ainu to not want to buy step kids Christmas present

465 replies

Mamana127 · 15/12/2024 11:51

I have two step daughters one if now 27 and the other one 25 I have known them for 13 years and each Christmas ever since I met them i have bought them presents, nice girly things which they love.
They are now working with really good jobs one earning 150k a year and another 70k. They have been working for over 3 years now. But I have never received even a slicked Carrot from them. They buy their dad presents and nothing for me and my kids. During their birthdays my kids make them crafts and I buy them presents but I’ve never received any for my birthday either or the kids birthday either.
This year while wrapping presents my husband asked me where their presents were? I said I’m not buying them any as they have never got me anything not even a Christmas card. He got really mad and said I’m older I should behave better and two wrongs don’t make a right.
I asked him if he has ever asked them why they don’t buy me anything he said they are old enough to make their minds. Ok and I’m not old enough to make my mind?
when we go on holiday I buy them stuff and they sometimes accept or reject that they don’t like, it I spoke to my MIL about this and she said to me they to stop trying to buy them that they don’t like you.
i have never done anything to these beautiful girls, I met their dad way after he had split frozen their mum and had been in other relationship before me.
I haven’t been trying to buy their love I’ve just been trying to be nice to them. So this year I decided to heed my MIL’s advice, and it blew up into a big argument between me and DH. Mind you DH gets them gifts too so I suggested he writes that it’s from both of us and refused. I’m I right or I’m I being petty.
I mean having to take that decision was hard for my heart but I felt I needed to do it.

OP posts:
Stormyweatheroutthere · 15/12/2024 15:41

Can't you see he has supported their disgraceful treatment of you by keeping quiet? How can you spend another night under the same roof? Sorry op but you deserve so much more.. Even your therapist muct be desperate to tell you that.

Katemax82 · 15/12/2024 15:52

I get this from my grown up stepsons, never had a birthday present or card..a token gift at Christmas from the older one. You are not unreasonable to no longer buy them gifts

Jabbabong · 15/12/2024 15:57

Your husband is enabling their shitty behaviour. If they earn a good wage and have never reciprocated then they should get fuck all.

Jabbabong · 15/12/2024 15:58

Mamana127 · 15/12/2024 13:55

Yes he does. Or gives them money. And that’s why he was asking me why I haven’t got them presents this year. I’m not getting them presents neither I’m I cooking for them and their boyfriends when they come on the 27th, I deserve some respect and appreciation from all of them including DH, I’ll be taking my kids away to my friends for a couple of days.
I have been having therapy for some childhood stuff and it’s become very clear to me through therapy that I’m a people pleaser. And would do anything to keep the peace and keep other people happy.
Step by step I have been putting my foot down and not worrying what other people think and when I do it I still get panic attacks but I feel great at the same time.
I’ll get there.

Good on you!

I hope that you have a lovely time. You deserve it.

Pluvia · 15/12/2024 16:18

Sympathies to you, OP. I don't have children but I'm still buying birthday and Christmas gifts for nieces and nephews who are now in their 30s and have never bought me anything. Several of them also come and stay for a few days, often with partners. So I host, drive them around, pick up the bill in restaurants, buy tickets... They're all nicely launched now, all are buying their own homes and several of them have far higher incomes than me. It's going to have to stop but I'm not sure how to do it.

rainingsnoring · 15/12/2024 16:21

Good for you @Mamana127. You are a brave woman. They sound selfish and ungrateful and no wonder with the way your selfish, ungrateful and bullying DH treats them.

amber763 · 15/12/2024 16:21

You sound so lovely. Absolutely do not get them one more thing or pander or cook for them. ❤️

Original poster
Mamana127 · 15/12/2024 16:29

It’s hard to stop it’s taken me years and years working on myself, I get panic attacks to the point that I get sick. I have sleepless nights worrying what “the person” Will think and how they will treat me. It’s exhausting and it’s all from myself really I don’t think they ever asked me for gifts, I started it and now it’s expected. Start somewhere I started with therapy as I couldn’t do it myself. Seeing people’s opinions helps a lot my therapist told me to ask random strangers whenever I’m doubting and making steps back and just through this post I feel so good that I’m not doing anything I don’t want to do, like someone said on here love those who love you back. My therapist calls it pull the plug! Well pull the plug on them and see what they say see if they noticed.
I was planning not to say anything to just keep quiet until my DH noticed there was no gifts from them. Anyway there still will never be any gifts for them unless he buys it and puts my name or not put my name I don’t mind.

OP posts:
ThinWomansBrain · 15/12/2024 16:30

Your husband is an arrogant twat.
He has reared his children in the same way.
Congrats - you've picked a winner there.

Tandora · 15/12/2024 16:31

YANBU at all on the Christmas presents OP and well done for sticking up for yourself.

However, while we are here discussing this, I’m going to play slight devil’s advocate and suggest that maybe the wedding date thing was ill advised, and perhaps the start of the negative relationships with your DSDs?

How old was your elder DSD at that time? Why was getting married on that date so essential for you? Was it really necessary to start the marriage in a power-play with your DSD over who is top dog/ your DH is going to put first?

<runs and ducks for cover>

Sandunesandseashells · 15/12/2024 16:32

Pluvia · 15/12/2024 16:18

Sympathies to you, OP. I don't have children but I'm still buying birthday and Christmas gifts for nieces and nephews who are now in their 30s and have never bought me anything. Several of them also come and stay for a few days, often with partners. So I host, drive them around, pick up the bill in restaurants, buy tickets... They're all nicely launched now, all are buying their own homes and several of them have far higher incomes than me. It's going to have to stop but I'm not sure how to do it.

I could have written every word of this! I have one mid-twenties child who is the youngest amongst 16 nieces and nephews, so it has always been a very unequal expensive arrangement. The two eldest are 33 with six children of their own now, it must stop sometime but instead the numbers are growing. I suppose I should only buy for the next generation but that’s unfair on the childless ones. I do love spending time with them though and they are great company and will travel for hours to see me so iif nothing else they do put in the effort.

OP I need to take my own advice(!) but I suggest sending only a card with a lovely message as that would indicate a reset but no hard feelings.

Original poster
Mamana127 · 15/12/2024 16:33

😂 therapist can’t tell you what to do but they can guide you and open your eyes to see the light and then you make that decision yourself. One step at a time I will get there. I wish it was that easy.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamana127 · 15/12/2024 16:42

Hi no this started long time ago, the date was important to me as I have always wanted to get married in a church and the other two dates weren’t available plus it was a weekday and cheaper. it wasn’t even her birthday it was the day before. It was last year actually so not like their behaviour can be justified by the wedding date. Even if I had chosen her birthday what’s the crime?

OP posts:
Tandora · 15/12/2024 16:44

Mamana127 · 15/12/2024 16:42

Hi no this started long time ago, the date was important to me as I have always wanted to get married in a church and the other two dates weren’t available plus it was a weekday and cheaper. it wasn’t even her birthday it was the day before. It was last year actually so not like their behaviour can be justified by the wedding date. Even if I had chosen her birthday what’s the crime?

Even if I had chosen her birthday what’s the crime?

Really?

Original poster
Mamana127 · 15/12/2024 16:56

Yes really! allow me to think about myself too for once. I feel great too for it.for years and years all I’ve thought about was other people. If getting married a day before her birthday was my crime I will now do my time gladly.

OP posts:
Tandora · 15/12/2024 17:03

Mamana127 · 15/12/2024 16:56

Yes really! allow me to think about myself too for once. I feel great too for it.for years and years all I’ve thought about was other people. If getting married a day before her birthday was my crime I will now do my time gladly.

the question you just asked was Even if I had chosen her birthday what’s the crime?

I’m not someone who’s particularly bothered about my birthday myself , but some people are , and culturally, the whole idea of marking birthdays is that it is the one day a year that is dedicated to celebrating that particular person.
If you get married to your DSD’s dad on her birthday , you have taken that focus away from her , and turned what was previously the one day dedicated in the year to celebrating her , into a day to celebrate your marriage / relationship with her father.

And you can’t see how that is an issue at all? To do that to any close family member is arguably thoughtless ( without their permission of course- some people might not mind) but to do that to a step child who may already be sensitive about her dad remarrying, is really very obtuse. And not on really.

Can you not see this at all?

Original poster
Mamana127 · 15/12/2024 17:05

Yes she has been so lovely to me, I miss her, she passed away this year July. It’s horrible without her she was the only one with a heart in that family really always compensating for everybody. This is the first Christmas without her and I don’t even feel like doing anything big, she used to support me, she would help prepare and buy so many gifts for everyone. She was my confidant and would tell me things happening etc.. we got on really well, but at the end of the day I was with her son she used to tell my DH off for not being sensible and a prick.

OP posts:
Serene135 · 15/12/2024 17:06

I understand why you are annoyed, OP. Although I do think that if it was possible to choose a different wedding date then it would have been better to. Some people stay over in hotels for a wedding and it was her birthday the next day. She might have felt that you chose that date on purpose to be passive aggressive. On the other hand I think you have realised that they don’t really like you or care for you and you have finally decided to stop caring about them too. They are adults so I don’t think their attitude towards you is ever going to change. You’re doing the right thing by stopping the presents and the cooking for them since they don’t like you enough to reciprocate. I think your DH is in the wrong too. He can buy his daughters’ gifts himself. Maybe he feels that you no longer buying them gifts etc is the final nail in the relationship ie when you are buying and cooking for them there is a chance that you can win them around (even though this is highly unlikely).

goldencabbage · 15/12/2024 17:07

Figsandwalnuts · 15/12/2024 11:53

They are embarrassingly rude, and your DH is horrible.

This. Can you leave him?

IsawwhatIsaw · 15/12/2024 17:12

What sort of man would allow you to be treated with this level of selfishness and disrespect by his children?
none of these selfish and unpleasant people deserve you.

Original poster
Mamana127 · 15/12/2024 17:15

It was not her birthday was it though? I respect your opinion though, if it was her birthday I would have probably thought about it and considered it, but it wasn’t. She could still have celebrated her birthday as she did with her dad present the next day.
I wasn’t saying that my wedding was replacing her birthday but the date depended on the things ive mentioned. Financially we couldn’t afford the other dates. Did she consider that? I have to be the one worrying about her feelings and move and shift goals to accommodate her feelings even when it means I loose financially.

OP posts:
ChocolateAddictAlways · 15/12/2024 17:19

The fact that they’ve never bought you a gift in 13 years is shocking and I really feel for you OP. That seems so unkind.

And I feel really cross at your DH for thinking that’s reasonable of them and never calling them out on it. Shoddy behaviour!

arcticpandas · 15/12/2024 17:22

Mamana127 · 15/12/2024 17:15

It was not her birthday was it though? I respect your opinion though, if it was her birthday I would have probably thought about it and considered it, but it wasn’t. She could still have celebrated her birthday as she did with her dad present the next day.
I wasn’t saying that my wedding was replacing her birthday but the date depended on the things ive mentioned. Financially we couldn’t afford the other dates. Did she consider that? I have to be the one worrying about her feelings and move and shift goals to accommodate her feelings even when it means I loose financially.

Completely ridiculous to throw a fit because it's one day before her birthday but it's your DH's fault who has raised the spoilt brats. I can't imagine receiving a present and not giving any. How thoughtless and rude!

Good on you for finally standing up for yourself. You model to your children acceptable/non acceptable ways for people to treat you so bear that in mind next time you are about to transform into a doormat. Stand up straight and proud and don't take any more shit from anyone ! 💚

Livelovebehappy · 15/12/2024 17:33

Your dh should stick your name on his presents if he feels so strongly about it. I agree you have given them more than enough time to start reciprocating. Maybe by you not buying them anything this time, they will sit up and realise why that might be…

kitchenhelprequired · 15/12/2024 17:51

I don't understand why you ever bought separate gifts for the DSC. Did you buy presents for other members of DH's family? You are a married couple - why wouldn't gifts be from both of you?