Ainu to not want to buy step kids Christmas present

[Mamana127]

I have two step daughters one if now 27 and the other one 25 I have known them for 13 years and each Christmas ever since I met them i have bought them presents, nice girly things which they love.
They are now working with really good jobs one earning 150k a year and another 70k. They have been working for over 3 years now. But I have never received even a slicked Carrot from them. They buy their dad presents and nothing for me and my kids. During their birthdays my kids make them crafts and I buy them presents but I’ve never received any for my birthday either or the kids birthday either.
This year while wrapping presents my husband asked me where their presents were? I said I’m not buying them any as they have never got me anything not even a Christmas card. He got really mad and said I’m older I should behave better and two wrongs don’t make a right.
I asked him if he has ever asked them why they don’t buy me anything he said they are old enough to make their minds. Ok and I’m not old enough to make my mind?
when we go on holiday I buy them stuff and they sometimes accept or reject that they don’t like, it I spoke to my MIL about this and she said to me they to stop trying to buy them that they don’t like you.
i have never done anything to these beautiful girls, I met their dad way after he had split frozen their mum and had been in other relationship before me.
I haven’t been trying to buy their love I’ve just been trying to be nice to them. So this year I decided to heed my MIL’s advice, and it blew up into a big argument between me and DH. Mind you DH gets them gifts too so I suggested he writes that it’s from both of us and refused. I’m I right or I’m I being petty.
I mean having to take that decision was hard for my heart but I felt I needed to do it.

Aww Op, i read this after I posted - though what I said stands.

But you deserve way better. I hope you are seeing this.

This is a tricky one. I think in your position I'd navigate this the way I dealt with a similarly ungrateful family member.
So.
I bought Oxfam or Save the Children 'gifts' in their names. In their cards I got with them, I wrote, with as much 'sincerity'/irony as I could muster, something along the lines of "we all have so much at Christmas, and as we've all.reached a time where we always exchange gifts each year ( #stifled laugh) and how generous natured they are ( # another snort from me) I knew they would prefer I gave a gift to those most in need, in their name, now that we are all so lucky to have so much in our lives.
Festive Blessings
loving step parent xx

They absolutely will know what message you are sending, but how can they complain, when you've been so generous on their behalf....
Let this go, now. They wont change, wont start buying you thoughtful gifts. So nothing missing under the tree for you.
Should you wish to continue to gift from them to other charities going forward...that's your call. But this action says clearly, no more gifts for.you ungrateful c&ws. going forwards.

Be sure to sign up for updates for them from the charities too :-)

If these horrible, ignorant women are so concerned that you're trying to "buy" their love, then I'd suggest you beautifully wrap up a single carrot (sliced or unsliced!) for each of them. DH will surely be satisfied too. Fuck them all, OP!

I don't understand why you buy them separate presents if you are a couple.

But anyway if they don't do it for you then you can stop. They are adults.

they are both grown women. I don't get how they can accept your presents and not buy you anything. The MIL saying they don't like you is the icing on the cake. Your DH is just as bad. He should just say his pressies are from both of you and have done with it. So sorry, op. It may seem petty, but this is hurtful stuff.

The gift from your DH to his daughters should have always been from the 2 of you. There was never any reason for you to buy a separate gift.

The daughters should also be buying a gift for the 2 of you as a couple.

It's an unfortunate pattern you've fallen into. I'd say it's now definitely time to stop and your name should be added to tge gift from your DH. If he won't do that then he's part of the problem.

It's weird that you buy separate gifts rather than joint with DH, most couples give jointly gifted presents. So he is being unreasonable to insist you get your own. If they don't get you anything i think it's fair enough to not get them anything! My MIL never gets me presents so I dont get her any officially, but DH does give gifts from all of us as a family. DH used to not give his step mother presents but now he does. I think he was mid 20s when that changed

@Mamana127 I have been and still am in the exact same place with one of my stepkids and his partner. However they don't send cards or gifts to either me or my husband (their dad). Every year I send joint (as in from me and their Dad) birthday and Christmas cards and joint gifts. We get a thank you text if we are lucky but they do not reciprocate even with a card.

I was nothing to do with their parents split, there was no extra-marital relationship on either side, it just didn't work. I came along years later, I get on well with 2 of his adult children and ironically his ex wife. The 3rd child and his partner are the problem.

When we see each other at family gatherings they seem fine, happy to see us, but out of sight, out of mind.

I told my husband last year that from now on I am mirroring their actions. If we get nothing, they get nothing. My husband was not impressed and we argued over it. He sent them cards and gifts but sent them from us both. I told him not to add my name but he did. This year, we got ignored as usual and so this year he just sent them cards. I think he maybe coming over to the dark side.

So ask your husband why mirroring what they do is wrong and that he needs to stop being a coward and address the elephant in the room with his kids if he wants YOU to have to keep dealing with rejection because you have continued to try and he has not supported you. They seem happy to take you for all you will give but show no ounce of appreciation, reciprocation and therefore respect for the family dynamics. They constantly do this and you have continued to try to be civil but there comes a time when enough is enough.

They are adults not kids, they have made it clear where they stand and the MIL has also told you. Tell your husband that despite your many years of efforts, they continue to slight you and so you are finally accepting what they want of you and are acquiescing. You have followed THEIR lead, if he has a problem, he needs to talk to them and not you.

However I would also say the fact that you do not send joint presents, reinforces that he does not support you because it allows them to ignore you specifically and I wonder if they would do it if it was joint presents. Your husband is not thinking about the scenario he is helping to make and he needs to rethink the situation.

Big hugs!

What a sad situation. You have not done anything wrong and if your generosity and kindness is being deliberately misconstrued as your trying to buy their affection then you are right to stop buying gifts.

The fault lies with your husband who quite frankly sounds awful that he doesn't have your corner.

I would not want to be in a relationship with such a horrible man.

I have two stepdaughters and a stepson and my husband has always forged a good relationship between us all and we are all United as one family.

This
OP, from what you have written, you have done everything right to include your SDs and to navigate the tapestry of step parenting.
After so many years of you or your children not receiving cards or even small, thoughtful gifts, I 100% think your decision is the right one.
At another time, it may be worth enquiring as to why they 'don't like you'???
You may want to consider saying 'goodbye'. Time for you now

Poor you, how upsetting. Why do you think they don't like you?

They're rude but I don't understand buying separate presents? Me and DH buy all presents together, everything for his kids, my kids, our kids is from US.

I couldn't agree more with most of the others. If they were 17 and 15, I'd probably say you should try to discuss/explain/etc, but at 27 and 25, they can lump it. And your DH is pretty bloody rude too.
I'm vaguely surprised by the separate presents in the first place - my parents have always given their children presents from them both, even if it is entirely apparent that the contents of Christmas parcels are as much as surprise to Dad as they are to the recipient...

Your dh is a dick to have allowed this. He should have always put your name on any gifts to them, you are a couple. As for the mil telling you they said they don’t like you? I’m not sure if she’s trying to be helpful or spiteful.

The fact that their own grandmother is telling you to stop is huge

We do too - our presents to my parents, and his brother, etc are all from both of us, although I choose, buy and wrap for my family and he does the same for his. We both sort the kids' presents. All from "us". I imagine that our 19 yr old son will, for example, be able to identify that I chose a book on linguistics through history for him this Christmas, and DH chose the skiing socks, but they will both have a tag saying "Love Mum and Dad".

As ever, the first response nails it.

What horrible women, and your DH is a cock of the highest order.

Tell him why should you waste your money on them when they don't even get you a card. I'd laugh in his face and tell him to come back when he's ready to accept that you aren't getting them anything because why should you spend your money? As for Not writing your name on the gifts? He's petty.

After years of receiving regifted tatty Boots 3 for 2 crap from one sibling, and stuff that was years too young for my kids ages from the other (that would end up going to the charity shop) it’s been a huge relief. Previously across the family we would receive 6 gifts (2 each, one from each family and would have to buy for eleven people in return) so to have that cash freed up to spend directly on ourselves at Christmas has been much better for us.

No one has said anything either way, but then again I rarely see some of them and don’t see other family members at all so it’s not really an issue, and I don’t care much what they think.

I am really surprised that your DH didnt step in years ago and encourage them to buy for you or buy on their behalf when they weren’t adults. They have learnt FROM HIM that you arent that important and thats the worst part of all this.

I have two stepsons and they have rarely bought their half siblings (my kids) anything. Occasionally they'll ask my son to go to a footie match (they are season ticket holders) if one of them can't make it (so not really spending money other than a beer or two). There's 13 year gap.
When my DH was alive he bought them presents from all of us. When he passed away (they were adults by then) I still bought them gifts. Then I started just getting them Christmas gifts. As I said they occasionally got my kids something, never me. Anyway they both have kids now so I get the grandkids something and don't bother with the adults. I don't think they've even acknowledged my kids birthdays last few years, and even though one of them did ask what my DD would like on her 18th nothing materialised.
I still buy their kids gifts. My kids don't expect anything and don't buy gifts for them either (as they are now adults).
But why doesn't your husband buy them their gifts?

At their ages they are old enough to realise it’s quite rude not to buy you a gift whilst accepting yours every year. Most people would feel embarrassed if someone got them a gift and they didn’t have one to hand over in return. However no one has to buy a gift for everyone they know just because it’s Christmas and that goes for you as well. If you don’t want to buy them one then don’t, if your DH does he’ll know where the shops are I’m sure

I can’t believe your husband thought it was acceptable for him to send presents to them from only him, over the years.
That was a mistake.
And they are horrible grown up brats, sadly they will never change their attitudes.
You do right not to bother.

They, and your husband are all nasty pieces of work.