Ainu to not want to buy step kids Christmas present

[Mamana127]

I have two step daughters one if now 27 and the other one 25 I have known them for 13 years and each Christmas ever since I met them i have bought them presents, nice girly things which they love.
They are now working with really good jobs one earning 150k a year and another 70k. They have been working for over 3 years now. But I have never received even a slicked Carrot from them. They buy their dad presents and nothing for me and my kids. During their birthdays my kids make them crafts and I buy them presents but I’ve never received any for my birthday either or the kids birthday either.
This year while wrapping presents my husband asked me where their presents were? I said I’m not buying them any as they have never got me anything not even a Christmas card. He got really mad and said I’m older I should behave better and two wrongs don’t make a right.
I asked him if he has ever asked them why they don’t buy me anything he said they are old enough to make their minds. Ok and I’m not old enough to make my mind?
when we go on holiday I buy them stuff and they sometimes accept or reject that they don’t like, it I spoke to my MIL about this and she said to me they to stop trying to buy them that they don’t like you.
i have never done anything to these beautiful girls, I met their dad way after he had split frozen their mum and had been in other relationship before me.
I haven’t been trying to buy their love I’ve just been trying to be nice to them. So this year I decided to heed my MIL’s advice, and it blew up into a big argument between me and DH. Mind you DH gets them gifts too so I suggested he writes that it’s from both of us and refused. I’m I right or I’m I being petty.
I mean having to take that decision was hard for my heart but I felt I needed to do it.

So step daughters already have a house to inherit from mother? He has been funding his ex all this time AND she works FT and the SD’s are adults??? All this and he accepted money from the sale of his parent’s home to begin again??? This is fucking ridiculous.
He is a liar.
I am so glad that OP is insisting on going through solicitors. I bet he has a dodgy money trail like Pablo Escobar.

OP, you have been lied to, manipulated and financially abused the whole of your marriage.
He insists on 50/50 while giving money to his ex wife.

You are too soft.
This is so shocking.
Please get every single penny for your daughter.
She deserves no less.
He has financially abused your daughter via his treatment of you.
Do not ignore these facts.
This is not a good man.
He is a liar.
He has utterly mislead you.
You and your children deserve so much better than this.

I don’t think he is in a position to ask for anything yet. I think you need to get full discovery first. I also genuinely believe that you are his carer instead of paying for a nursing home, (and also for him when he retires… you and your children will be out in the cold the moment he ceases to draw breath) so that he can afford to house his father at your place and then have a house for each of his precious angels. What a bastard.

The Full Disclosure of finances (Form E) is your very best friend in this situation, @Mamana127 Your contribution thus far is to be recognised. The maintenance of your child, is to be recognised. I cannot emphasise enough that you need to be guided by the law and court with regard to what you are FAIRLY entitled, going forward. You and your child need it.

Your husband, his kids, have behaved appallingly. Enough. Well done.

He is in his mid fifties and still working and very physically fit so he doesn’t need me to care for him in that manner.
But I do everything in the house because he is always busy EVERYTHING from cleaning to cooking. I pay bills 50/50. His dad visits a lot but he is also very ok and doesn’t need care.

However my MIL passed away this year and the plan is for him to come and live with us so a granny Annex was created to accommodate him which is where he stays when he comes.

I am extremely very livid because I’ve begged for us to get an even cleaner and my DH refused that we cannot afford it, then I find out that he is bank rolling his ex for house maintenance. I feel like punching him in the face!
don’t have time for myself at all as I’m also studying part time. I have one day off per week and that’s taken by cleaning the house because I hate mess. I don’t go to sleep until gone midnight daily as I try to keep on top of the house work and kids,
If I don’t ask him he will not even empty the bin until I do it.
Right now he has totally refused to say how much money he has been giving the ex, that I need to come home and look at the paperwork face to face. That he doesn’t trust sending documents via email.
He won’t send any documents to my solicitor either and has refused to engage them saying we are going to try and resolve it ourselves first.

Admits he has a big problem transitioning from his other family to fully ours and wants us to go for more counselling together! Utter nonsense.

Apparently he has to support the ex with things as her mental health is really bad and leaves the house to deteriorate, that she also don’t have any family left.
Apparently will now start the process of putting my name on the house deed and putting my name on everything so that we have equal rights as equal partners. When I ask him why he didn’t do it before he says it’s because his kids and ex are on his back 24/7 about money.

I’m totally done and I’m not going back. I can’t trust him anymore. Today I woke up very very angry and he will now face the music.

what I want to know is what I’m I entitled to? what should I go for?
I know my solicitor will tell me but roughly what do you guys think?

We have been married nearly two years, before that we lived as Partners for 8 years, mostly in my house while he was renting, then he bought a house alone using his inheritance from parents. after that we both sold our homes to buy our current home, I contributed 25% of the price and we have a 50k mortgage which we both pay 50/50.
our DD together is under 10. My other two DDS are also less than 13. ( sorry I’m trying to not give my identity away as I’ve said so much already)
he says his percentage of the house goes to 3 of his kids one of which we share, the other two are working, and are due to inherit from their mums house, they inherited their grandparents (ex’s parents) home and sold it on a large scale as per my DH proudly. They already each own properties in London where they work and live.
I mean these people are not short of money I just do not understand why the focus is so much on money still, my DD is young and will not be working for years to come she goes to village normal school, my DSD are all privately educated, they have had it really good.
but they have no compassion or empathy at all. It’s all about money and who wants to steal their money.
its totally WTF moment with these lot and the sooner I close the door on them the better.

@TheCanaryInThePurpleSkirt,
I will download that form as soon as I land tomorrow. I will not sleep until I know the full extent of his deliberate actions.

Above all you need a rottweiler of a solicitor to get you every penny.

You have been lied to, financially abused and used as a skivvy by this prick while he bankrolled his ex.

He lived in YOUR house for years, accepted the money from your house sale, yet thinks you have minimum rights to your home that you pay 50/50 towards.

Written down in blank and white you need to realise this is shocking.

Start practice saying that you have felt abused, controlled, financially manipulated by him whilst he has lied continually to you.

This is a very bad man.
Keep your cards close to your chest but do not play down to your solicitor how badly you have been used as a skivvy by him.

You can do this.
Lean into your anger and use it to get every penny you can for your children.

@Fraaances,
Yes they do, they also inherited their maternal grandmother’s home and used that to buy properties of their own in London. They work and earn very well. I earn below what they earn and way below what my DH earns. He earns almost 4 times what I earn. But I’m expected to pay 50/50 because I would be doing it anyways if I had been living alone.
It gets worse, I’ve just received a txt saying he also sends groceries via online every time they visit their mum as they are still their kids and the ex is saving for her retirement so she cannot be the one feeding the girls when they visit.
these Details are coming out in dribs and drabs because I have asked for a full disclosure.
what a total mug I have been, I have saved very little in pension as a result of all the money I’m paying out yet his money belongs to his kids and ex wife.

In your shoes I would get the house valued and then ask for your 25% of what it is worth and ask that he buy you out.
The mortgage payments aren’t really any different to paying rent if you were in a rental property IMO
I personally wouldn’t go after his pension etc I would look to get what I was entitled to out of the house, even if it means it has to be sold and then set an amount he needs to contribute for your daughter.
Im a child of divorced parents and even 30 year later I can remember how nasty it all got especially over money, I always swore that if I found myself in a similar position I would try and keep my integrity and dignity.
Anything such as your car etc you need to take, as long as you have enough to restart afresh and remain true to yourself, I think that’s what’s important.

With No Fault Divorce, which we have now in the UK, the court are not interested in who brought what to the table and who did what in the downfall of the marriage. Unfortunately, you will possibly find that your marital “pot” is what you have/share in your joint name only. But. Pensions will be taken into consideration/other property with his name as joint ownership, savings, investments etc. The court is only concerned with what is deemed fair in the actual couple’s split. So essentially, you will be “levelled up”. The start point is 50/50 regardless of who did what. Child maintenance is separate.

Divorce is expensive in terms of financial and emotional settlement. Seems that sadly, you have not choice. Get all the help you can and stay resolute.

Why do women (not just you, I’ve seen it multiple times in other threads) seem to think lying down and being a doormat is ‘acting with integrity and dignity’?

The OP has been financially abused for 10 years. Getting proper financial compensation for that is not in any way lacking in integrity or dignity. She has no pension because she has been funding her DH’s ex wife and letting him build up his pension. Why on earth shouldn’t she get a share of his pension? Without her funding his lifestyle, that pension wouldn’t exist!

Has it occurred to you that if your parents’ divorce got ‘nasty over money’ that may well be because the better off partner was trying to cheat the other spouse out of his/her rights?

And @Mamana127 Your solicitor will possibly mention spousal support to be outlined in any final court order. Please don’t say no to it out of pride. You’ve been financially assisting his grown up kids for quite some time and are responsible for your own child’s future. Spousal maintenance can be on an “as required” inclusion basis, just in case your circumstances change. Be advised by the experts. They do this in their sleep.

There IS NO DIGNITY in divorce. Especially with a man who feels himself entitled. It’s not 1960, when the wife was told by the husband and breadwinner what she could and couldn’t have.

I don’t think behaving with integrity is lying down and being a doormat, I wouldn’t try and claim something I had no right to ie a house brought with inheritance that wasn’t mine.
My parents were actually on a pretty equal footing but just turned really spiteful, which is what sadly happens.
This couple have been together max 10 years, he is in his 50’s she has no funded his lifestyle for more then the last 10years so not sure what claim she would have all the vast majority of his pension.
He’s behaved awfully over the last 10 years, there’s no getting round that, but the OP doesn’t have to lower herself and behave just as terribly. They have been together for a fairly short amount of years what ever they have accumulated in that time should be split.

But they have accumulated far less than they should have done because the OP’s husband has been transferring enormous amounts (totted up over 10 years) to third parties. Are you saying that shouldn’t be taken into account in the settlement?

No one actually knows how much he’s been transferring over, that’s what the OP needs to clarify.
From what I’ve read they’ve paid 50/50 on their bills etc despite OP earning a lot less (that division should never been agreed on because she has had nothing left to save) .
If the OP agreed the 50/50 split of bills etc then the husband technically can do whatever he wishes with his remaining money, even if he is choosing to be totally ridiculous in bank rolling his former ex.
We’re not talking about a couple that have been together decades, the wife having given up a career to stay at home and then the husband leaving her with nothing, in which case the wife should try and get half of everything because only with her support was able to gain tremendous assets.
We are talking about a couple who have been together for 10 years, he sounds like he had more assets/higher earnings when they met, for whatever reason the 50/50 of bills was agreed upon and not altered after the birth of their child.
He has probably been working for 20 something years before he met OP which is why I said if it was me I wouldn’t go after things I wasn’t even in the picture for.

Every post just gets worse and worse.
So so shocking.
I cannot believe how badly you have been financially abused, manipulated, bullied and lied to.

Get every penny you can from that lying fxxker.
Child maintenance, highest percentage from the house, spousel maintenance.
You have been 50/50 to a man who earns 4 times what you do so he can send money to his ex.

Absolutely unbelievable.
I think you were targeted by him.
Read up on Coercive control.
Its a crime.
See if any of it rings a bell with you.
I would be looking at going scorched earth on him.

Keep posting, we are here for you.

@lessglittermoremud,
all this is hearsay from my DH and his mum so I go by that they tell me.
at their divorce he left with nothing but his pension.
She kept house and all their life savings. She works and has inheritance from her parents which she has allocated to their kids.
at the time I met him his parents were supporting him as he was paying her for CM. He was also renting.
We moved in together and got a higher paying job a year later.
She agreed to a clean break at divorce and so I’m not sure why she has come back to ask for more money and support and even if she had it would have been fair for my DH to talk to me about it, there are things I buy for us without even involving him or asking for half, but all he says all the time is he hasn’t got money. It’s totally unfair

It is totally unfair, he should have discussed things with you and treated you as an equal You sound like such a lovely person who tried so hard to keep everything nice and lovely for everyone else.
If the financial information you were told at the beginning is accurate it sounds like the house is your only real asset, your previous post said that you both sold houses to buy your joint one.
Until you find out exactly what his financial situation is from your solicitor you’re in the dark, so asking what you should try and go for on here won’t be of any help. There may or may not be anything to be entitled some of.
I hope you and your little one had a lovely restful Christmas with your family.

The only reasons he married you is so that he would not have to live in the same house as a crazy woman, and to have his needs seen to. Apart from that, he is not only still tied to her apron strings, he is still her doormat.

He has 100% taken you for a Total Mug.

He earns 4x your salary and you're paying 50/50?
He can find the time and money to support his ex wife but not you?
He can find the time and energy to sort groceries/money for his ex wife and kids, but not you?
He can find the time to do what he likes when he likes but you do 100% of the cooking and cleaning? He can't be arsed to lift a finger, even when asked?
He now wants to move in his dad ... presumably so you can look after him, too?

Utter Mug

Stop it right now.

He can send the documents; he doesn't want to. He's just hoping he can bamboozle you when you come back with more promises and words and tears and zero action. Like the entirety of your marriage so far.

Tell your solicitor to proceed with the divorce.

Go after everything you're entitled to.

The ex asking for more afterwards isn't that unusual.

A relative through marriage only lived with her partner rather than getting married because her salary was much bigger than his and might have resulted in the ex being paid more maintenance. (I'm told that the ex was never in paid work, apart from voluntary work.)

They'd intended to marry once the relative took a career break. The partner died suddenly - just as as she went on her career break.

Afterwards, we found out that the ex "kept asking for more money for various things, so [they] always just gave it to her to save trouble". I still can't get my head round that, particularly since the children from the first marriage were parents themselves by then.

The relative and her partner had also paid for various improvements to her MIL's house. Unlike the OP, the relative didn't have the protection of marriage and it turned out that her partner hadn't made a will, so she and her child definitely lost out financially.

I'm pleased that the OP is in a much stronger position.

@WearyAuldWumman,
I’ve read that you can generally still go for more after divorce if both didn’t go for a clean break which my ex and I did and also my DH and his ex did. She apparently started asking for more when he got his job which he got when we were together. When they split they both earned similar amount but DH now earns more. I don’t even know how the hell they knew he now earns more anyways.

My guess he told them himself about the increase in his wages, he was telling his daughters all the info and they in turn fed it back to their mother.

He probably let it slip.

My late husband was a darling, but when he was in contact with his ex (to organise when we'd be seeing the adult children during one of their visits back home) he'd persist in letting his ex know things that I wish he hadn't.

Example

Ex to me (at dinner, at a point when we were all supposedly being civilised and having a meal with the kids to which the ex was invited):

"I hear ye're getting an implant for yer teeth. Is this you trying to make yourself beautiful?" [I needed an implant to replace a front tooth which was broken in childhool.]

Me: "No - I just want to be able to chew!"

Mind you, it worked both ways...I had to restrain myself from asking whether she was happy with her false teeth.... I didn't succumb to the temptation.