Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ainu to not want to buy step kids Christmas present

465 replies

Mamana127 · 15/12/2024 11:51

I have two step daughters one if now 27 and the other one 25 I have known them for 13 years and each Christmas ever since I met them i have bought them presents, nice girly things which they love.
They are now working with really good jobs one earning 150k a year and another 70k. They have been working for over 3 years now. But I have never received even a slicked Carrot from them. They buy their dad presents and nothing for me and my kids. During their birthdays my kids make them crafts and I buy them presents but I’ve never received any for my birthday either or the kids birthday either.
This year while wrapping presents my husband asked me where their presents were? I said I’m not buying them any as they have never got me anything not even a Christmas card. He got really mad and said I’m older I should behave better and two wrongs don’t make a right.
I asked him if he has ever asked them why they don’t buy me anything he said they are old enough to make their minds. Ok and I’m not old enough to make my mind?
when we go on holiday I buy them stuff and they sometimes accept or reject that they don’t like, it I spoke to my MIL about this and she said to me they to stop trying to buy them that they don’t like you.
i have never done anything to these beautiful girls, I met their dad way after he had split frozen their mum and had been in other relationship before me.
I haven’t been trying to buy their love I’ve just been trying to be nice to them. So this year I decided to heed my MIL’s advice, and it blew up into a big argument between me and DH. Mind you DH gets them gifts too so I suggested he writes that it’s from both of us and refused. I’m I right or I’m I being petty.
I mean having to take that decision was hard for my heart but I felt I needed to do it.

OP posts:
JubileeJuice · 15/12/2024 13:23

Are your children their half siblings?

Iwishiwasagiraffe · 15/12/2024 13:24

It’s weird his gifts aren’t from you both. My mum has remarried and the gifts from her are from them both. I know she does the choosing but she always puts both their names on it which I would consider normal

NoTouch · 15/12/2024 13:26

The step "kids" are being inconsiderate, they are old enough now to realise you are buying them gifts and think about reciprocating. If they haven't been perhaps they are just not comfortable exchanging gifts with their dads wife, which is fine and fine if you stop too.

Your bigger problem is your dh's attitude which I would find concerning, perhaps it stems from guilt from his kids having parents that split, but he is wrong to lay that guilt at your feet. Hope your wills are agreed, rock solid and your kids financial futures protected.

VegTrug · 15/12/2024 13:26

You are in an abusive marriage and you & your kids need to escape asap

Nc546888 · 15/12/2024 13:26

How bloody awful.

i have had a stepmum since i was 11 and I’ve bought her a present every year since i was 15. I’m mid 30s now and have no where near as much money as your DSDs and I would always buy my stepmum a present. How fucking rude of them

Lemonadeand · 15/12/2024 13:27

Totally agree that he should be responsible for buying them presents from both of you.

VegTrug · 15/12/2024 13:27

Gall10 · 15/12/2024 12:23

We have nephews & nieces (husband side) who we buy for & their nauseating sprogs. Never ONCE have I ever heard them say thanks & they certainly have never bought us anything.
Last year I bought all the little sprogs musical instruments…think drum, tambourine, mouth organ, triangle, xylophone.
Silent night not!

Sprogs? My god you sound vile

Lavenderandbrown · 15/12/2024 13:28

I believe it is perfectly acceptable to stop gifting at any time especially if it is not reciprocal gifting. I only gift the “children” in the family and I absolutely do not want gifts in return All gifts are paid for by me (not DH children or nephew) and i write from Santa on the tag because it amuses me DH gifts his children separately They are all adults now and someday i will stop gifting completely. I can afford it now and i still enjoy it now. It seems you have been generously gifting for years it is not reciprocated in any way and its time to stop Let DH gift his children and you gift yours while hopefully still enjoying the holidays all together

TheBestLackAllConviction · 15/12/2024 13:28

Well, if you dump the nasty husband, the nasty stepchildren will also cease to be your problem.

Codlingmoths · 15/12/2024 13:30

I think you’ve done the right thing. I’d ask him you’ve watched my dc make them presents and you’ve never even thought to gently suggest to them that they reciprocate? Because they are old enough to make up their minds? Some would think they are the prodcut of their upbringing, and everyone would think I am certainly old enough to make up my mind to stop pandering to ungrateful adults. At least I come out of this comfortable my dc have been brought up well!

Onlyvisiting · 15/12/2024 13:32

@Mamana127
I agree that at their age gifts should be reciprocal, however I think you've made it an unnecessary confrontation that won't end well.
Imo it would have been much simpler to quietly reduce effort. Stop with the thoughtful gifts and just go for something generic and under £20, like a boots gift set or chocolates. Stop organising your kids into making them cards/gifts (but if your kids ask I'd help them, just not manage them into it).
At this point I don't see the value in a big fall out, if they did start getting you gifts now it wouldn't feel genuine, and your DH is being really shitty. Just quietly stop putting I the extra effort you have been doing.
And I don't think you ever needed to buy them separate gifts, I would have expected you to just be included in the gifts your DH gave.

Busybeemumm · 15/12/2024 13:39

Your DH has enabled this situation but keeping you left out. I really don't understand why the gifts are not from both of you. He is the problem here and has likely influenced the girls not to buy for you. That is the issue here not the step DD's.

Tandora · 15/12/2024 13:41

YANBU!!!!

your step children are adults. And very rude ones it sounds.

Your DH is being v v v unreasonable. Hold your ground.

wizzywig · 15/12/2024 13:43

dancinfeet · 15/12/2024 12:11

you are absolutely right. I bought birthday and christmas gifts for years for my nieces and nephews, from when I was in my mid teens, even when I was a skint student working 2 part time jobs. Even as a young child I was encouraged to save a little of my pocket money and buy them something because I was their older aunt (by just a few years). When they were all adults (and all working) I was still buying for them, whilst they bought nothing for me or my own children in return. One year when my kids were young teens I decided not to bother sending the relatives anything as most of them earn a heck of a lot more than me and I was fed up of them not reciprocating and at least sending something for my kids. So I spent the extra money I had saved on my own two teenagers instead. I have done that ever since and it’s much better.

Did they say anything?

Dollybantree · 15/12/2024 13:47

I asked him if he has ever asked them why they don’t buy me anything he said they are old enough to make their minds

Did you ask the lazy twat where the presents are that HE bought for his dd's? Why should it fall to you? That's for starters. Secondly, ask him why on earth he thinks it's ok that your high earners sd's think it's ok to insult you by buying for him and not for you? I mean, if that's not a slap in the face I don't know what is.

They all sound like selfish pricks.

Topsyturvy78 · 15/12/2024 13:49

Are your DC also your husband's DC which would make them half siblings?

MJconfessions · 15/12/2024 13:52

when we go on holiday I buy them stuff and they sometimes accept or reject that they don’t like, it I spoke to my MIL about this and she said to me they to stop trying to buy them that they don’t like you.

sorry I can’t properly follow this with the typos, your MIL straight up said her granddaughters don’t like you? Or that they don’t like those specific gifts or gifts in general from you? Or they feel like you’re trying to buy their affection?

Original poster
Mamana127 · 15/12/2024 13:55

Yes he does. Or gives them money. And that’s why he was asking me why I haven’t got them presents this year. I’m not getting them presents neither I’m I cooking for them and their boyfriends when they come on the 27th, I deserve some respect and appreciation from all of them including DH, I’ll be taking my kids away to my friends for a couple of days.
I have been having therapy for some childhood stuff and it’s become very clear to me through therapy that I’m a people pleaser. And would do anything to keep the peace and keep other people happy.
Step by step I have been putting my foot down and not worrying what other people think and when I do it I still get panic attacks but I feel great at the same time.
I’ll get there.

OP posts:
Onceuponatime9 · 15/12/2024 13:55

I would stick my neck out & ask them why they have never recognised my birthday or given me a token gift at Christmas. I'd tell them it hurts to feel your not considered especially when you always consider them.

LBFseBrom · 15/12/2024 13:56

I am surprised they haven't bought you a little something, even a plant or flowers would be nice, or else a nice joint present for both you and your husband. They could at least buy for your children, that is mean.

There's not much you can do about it, they are thoughtless. It's beyond me but I enjoy buying and wrapping gifts.

I suggest you don't buy them anything but if they come to you over the Christmas period, have a small gift on the tree for each of them. A bottle of nail varnish or similar.

Your husband's attitude is awful but I expect he is embarrassed by it and doesn't know what to say. No doubt he gives them something.

That's life. Don't let it spoil your enjoyment, have a happy Christmas.

Mill3nnial · 15/12/2024 13:56

No they're old enough to realise you buy them gifts even though you don't have to and they could do something nice for you. If your DH wants you to buy them gifts he should feel the same way about how they treat you and he's wrong. I just wouldn't say anything else about it and he can either think on it or have a word with them. You're not the problem.

Original poster
Mamana127 · 15/12/2024 13:57

My MIL told me to stop bothering with them, that it comes across as if I’m trying to buy their love. She said that they have said they didn’t like me and she advised me to live my life and cut them loose.

OP posts:
Doitrightnow · 15/12/2024 13:57

I never buy my step children presents - my DH is in charge of buying for them and he labels them from both of us.

I think you are reasonable. I never get anything from my step children either. Most of the time I don't mind but one time they both gave their Dad, our dc and other family gifts right in front of me and I was the only one left out. I admit it did rankle. One of them earns a lot of money too.

Doitrightnow · 15/12/2024 14:00

PS I don't think it's necessarily a reflection of whether they like you or not. Lots of people are self centered, or not actually fussed about gifts, or just keep doing what they've always done assuming it's fine.

I think, either stop buying for them, or else DH should tell them he expects them to include his wife and all adults buy for each other.

Lellojello · 15/12/2024 14:01

What rot we read on here around Christmas time more than usual I mean

OP, absolutely stop buying them as much as a card.

But you have a huge DH problem.

I couldn't stay with such a man tbh. He is allowing you to be treated so badly.

I bet you host and wait hand foot and finger too. Even if you don't, your DH is an absolute prick. I would tell him to fuck right off - for good.