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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To break up over this? BIL hasn’t left after 5 years!!

343 replies

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 16:54

I’ve told DP that I am moving out and he thinks I am being unreasonable and is trying to change my mind. I won’t, but thought I’d ask for other peoples opinions.

I moved in with DP in summer 2019 after a year and half dating. Near Christmas 2019, he asked if his brother could come and stay with us for the holidays for a few weeks (brother lives abroad). I was really excited to meet him and was more than happy for him to spend the holidays with us.

The issue is, he never left! Obviously due to Covid he couldn’t get a flight for quite a while so I was sympathetic to begin with, but it’s coming up to 5 years now and it’s driving me crazy! I basically feel used by both of them, and I’ve tried speaking to my partner so many times, but nothing changes. He doesn’t contribute financially or help round the house. He’s literally sat on my sofa watching TV for 5 years! He did get a part time job after a year or so, and I’ve asked him to give me some money for food shopping and bills, but nothing. He’s able to afford pretty much whatever he wants while I can’t afford new glasses, new clothes etc as all my wages go on bills, travel to work, and food (partner pays the rent as he earns more and our area is expensive to rent).

I’ve had enough and have borrowed money from my parents to put down a deposit on my own little flat, so I’m moving out next week. However I’m getting constantly guilt tripped by DP saying that things will change, he loves me blah blah. Anyway, my mind is made up and I’m fed up of being taken the piss out of!

OP posts:
Knittedfairies2 · 14/12/2024 16:56

Good for you! Enjoy your new home.

GrumpyInsomniac · 14/12/2024 16:57

Of course your ‘D’P thinks you’re being unreasonable: he’ll have to shoulder the burden of supporting his freeloading brother alone now. You are absolutely doing the right thing by looking after your own interests. If he’s not managed to get his brother to take responsibility for his own life and leave in 5 years, he’s unlikely ever to do so.

Doggymummar · 14/12/2024 16:57

Well done

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/12/2024 16:57

he loves me blah blah.

Blah blah indeed. Enjoy your new home. I hope BIL gets sores on his arse from sitting around like a toad under a stone.

ColinOfficeTrolley · 14/12/2024 16:57

You are definitely not being unreasonable. You're a saint to put up with it so long.

You will adore having your own space back and wonder why you didn't do it years ago.

ElfAndSafetyBored · 14/12/2024 16:58

Well done, definitely the right thing to do.

MayaPinion · 14/12/2024 16:58

I can’t believe you lasted that long. I’d have been out by the end of the month. Enjoy your new home and ditch the dithering avoidant fiancé.

FrogsLoveRain · 14/12/2024 16:59

Oh my gosh OP, you've had the patience and restraint of a saint!

Enjoy your new home guilt free. Don't let your DP guilt trip you.

Kitkatcatflap · 14/12/2024 17:00

You are doing the right thing. What's the brother's background - how come he didn't go back home? Can he go and stay with the parents?

lizzyBennet08 · 14/12/2024 17:00

Tell him that you hope they'll be very together.

2025willbemytime · 14/12/2024 17:01

Leave and end the relationship.

Justmuddlingalong · 14/12/2024 17:01

It's obviously been a long time coming.
Enjoy the peace in your new home.
And I assume you're reevaluating the whole relationship?

Bettyfromlondon · 14/12/2024 17:02

Brilliant! Well done getting away from two absolute piss-takers.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 14/12/2024 17:03

I'm amazed you lasted 5 years!

Your hopefully soon to be ex doesn't think you'll cave and let him move in with you does he?

Marine30 · 14/12/2024 17:03

You have the patience of a saint! Amazing you lasted so long. Happy for you that you’ve seen the light and moved out. Sad that you had to. You will meet someone so much better I’m sure.

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 17:04

I forgot to add, these ‘men’ are early-mid 40’s, I’m late 20’s. He was supposed to go to their other brothers after staying at ours for Christmas. I kept asking when his flight was but my partner never told me, then Covid hit and he couldn’t get a flight at all, whether to his other brothers or home. Although I was expecting him to leave as soon as lockdown etc was lifted and flights were operating again. But no!

OP posts:
IAm16StoneHalloween2024 · 14/12/2024 17:04

Where did BIL come from? Didn’t he have a job or flat or possessions over there? What happened to them? I’m so intrigued, was it his secret intention to stay with you and COVID was just a coincidence?

FuckILookLike · 14/12/2024 17:04

GOOD!

It’s not like it’s been 5 months. It’s been 5 YEARS. Your DP is talking out of his arse and nothing will change. Are you still going to be in a relationship with him or will you be breaking up? Good for you for getting your own place

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 17:05

Oh and yes, he certainly won’t be coming with me and the relationship is over as far as I’m concerned

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 14/12/2024 17:05

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 17:04

I forgot to add, these ‘men’ are early-mid 40’s, I’m late 20’s. He was supposed to go to their other brothers after staying at ours for Christmas. I kept asking when his flight was but my partner never told me, then Covid hit and he couldn’t get a flight at all, whether to his other brothers or home. Although I was expecting him to leave as soon as lockdown etc was lifted and flights were operating again. But no!

Don't date another shit old man. Raise your bar all the way up.

FrogsLoveRain · 14/12/2024 17:07

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 17:05

Oh and yes, he certainly won’t be coming with me and the relationship is over as far as I’m concerned

Good for you OP. Stay strong

lemonyellows · 14/12/2024 17:09

So why is your partner happy that his brother contributes nothing?

AutumnFroglets · 14/12/2024 17:14

Elise89 · 14/12/2024 17:05

Oh and yes, he certainly won’t be coming with me and the relationship is over as far as I’m concerned

Good for you!

I suspect you were ripped off if BF was only paying the rent and you paid for everything else. Never do that again - every single bill gets split proportionately.

Enjoy your lovely, tidy, clean, peaceful house Flowers

BitOutOfPractice · 14/12/2024 17:14

Speaking as someone whose SiL came to stay for "a few days" and stayed for 11 months - she also made no contribution whatsoever - I think you are a saint for putting up with it this long.

Enjoy your new home. I hope you will be very happy there

MrsTigerface · 14/12/2024 17:22

Good for you! Congratulations on your new home. What do you think your soon to be ex partner will do now? With the financial burden of his brother now just falling on his shoulders, do you think he’ll continue with the current arrangement, or ask him to contribute more, or even leave?

happy new home, anyway x

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