To break up over this? BIL hasn’t left after 5 years!!

[Elise89]

I’ve told DP that I am moving out and he thinks I am being unreasonable and is trying to change my mind. I won’t, but thought I’d ask for other peoples opinions.

I moved in with DP in summer 2019 after a year and half dating. Near Christmas 2019, he asked if his brother could come and stay with us for the holidays for a few weeks (brother lives abroad). I was really excited to meet him and was more than happy for him to spend the holidays with us.

The issue is, he never left! Obviously due to Covid he couldn’t get a flight for quite a while so I was sympathetic to begin with, but it’s coming up to 5 years now and it’s driving me crazy! I basically feel used by both of them, and I’ve tried speaking to my partner so many times, but nothing changes. He doesn’t contribute financially or help round the house. He’s literally sat on my sofa watching TV for 5 years! He did get a part time job after a year or so, and I’ve asked him to give me some money for food shopping and bills, but nothing. He’s able to afford pretty much whatever he wants while I can’t afford new glasses, new clothes etc as all my wages go on bills, travel to work, and food (partner pays the rent as he earns more and our area is expensive to rent).

I’ve had enough and have borrowed money from my parents to put down a deposit on my own little flat, so I’m moving out next week. However I’m getting constantly guilt tripped by DP saying that things will change, he loves me blah blah. Anyway, my mind is made up and I’m fed up of being taken the piss out of!

Stop doing their laundry! Stop making their meals!

he hasn’t thanked me for cooking his tea and washing his pants for 5 years haha

It's interesting how many women on here say something horrible, or shocking, or shameful, or ugly a man has done to them and end it with LOL or haha or 😂

What you're doing is trying to cover up the cognitive dissonance of knowing something is dreadfully wrong and doing it anyway. Next time you're tempted to LOL about something awful, try to say the same thing completely deadpan. Sit with the feelings.

He has never thanked you for washing his pants. For five years. Sit in that place. And then don't think about why he did that, that piece is obvious. Think about why you did that. The first time you did his laundry and he didn't say thanks, why did you do it a second time?

I know a woman who is much older than me. She said when she got married she wanted to be a good wife and made her DH a packed lunch for work. He came back and critiqued it. She never made him a lunch again. Not once in decades of marriage. They are happily married. In part because of her boundaries.

Do not make this mistake again. Come here and ask if you have to. But don't sleepwalk into being a servant again.

so I’m moving out next week

Well done - wishing you every good fortune.
Please come back and let us know how you are getting on.

Fuck sake. Work on your self esteem and stop dating old slackers
Move out,move on. Block the ex. Party like a newly reinvigorated young woman

Well, you know you've been a mug and they've used you for the last 5 years.
So you won't let it happen again

You've got a lovely new home all to yourself so 2025 is going to be a very good year for you

Good luck!

As said, he wants you to stay so that you shoulder HIS burden.
I might be tempted to offer to stay in a relationship (but live apart) so that I could see how it all pans out with the freeloader.

She should have stopped buying their food!

I think you've been set up OP, these 2 blokes have been grooming you so that they have a free live in maid/sugar mummy.

Ugh, I don't blame you at all! I couldn't have lasted that long.

Does your partner work? Does he contribute financially?

😳
Lazy, cheeky bastards.
How DID you last five years?

I honestly don’t understand why you would wash his clothes and cook his dinner. Genuinely - why would you do that? Do you think it’s somehow your responsibility as a woman to keep your partner and his brothers clothes keen and cook for them?

why? It bewilders me that women still think this. Especially when they do t have children and there is not abuse and they genuinely can leave without fear.

how can he love you if he expects you to clean his and his brothers clothes? That’s just not love.

Bravo 👏🏻

Goodbye and good riddance.

Please tell me that you were doing all the laundry and housework. Your ex and his deadbeat brother are going to be buried under dirty kegs very quickly.

Enjoy your new place!

Congratulations on your new home and fresh start, OP! You’ve learnt a horrible lesson early on, now go and have fun and make a new life that will feel a thousand times easier, I promise.

Yes, you will be guilt tripped by partner and his brother, as their cosy little life is about to be seriously disrupted.
No one needs freeloaders in their life. Off you go to your nice little flat. And don’t feel any sympathy for them. You’ve been taken advantage of for long enough. No doubt they’ll be rather unhappy once you’ve moved out. That’s their problem, not yours. Have a great life.

Interesting he has stayed just long enough to be able to claim eu settled status and stay in the UK.

Good luck in your new place, OP. You're well rid of these two by the sounds of it!

OP congratulations on deciding to move out - enjoy your freedom and being able to spend your paycheck just on yourself as soon as you get it!

Before you go - please tell me that you are going to stop doing any of the brothers' washing or bothering to cook or clean for them - and leave them with as many of the bills as you possibly can get your name off as soon as possible!

Firstly - because they don't appreciate you or bother to say thank you and secondly because it might concentrate their minds that you are serious about going. Just don't buy any food other than what you want to eat for the next meal - you'll save some money and why should you be schepping around to make their life easier? If they want to eat, they have legs, they can just as easily go out to get the food as you can.

Work out some basic budgets before you do, to show that you pay £x, your STBX pays £y and STBXBro pays £peanuts - if it were a few weeks after STBXbro moving in it would be one thing if he wasn't paying a full contribution; this far along after years including a house change, it's perfectly reasonable to say that you are only going to pay your share and that even if you pay half towards the rent, the STBX boys need to cover half or more of the rent and 2/3 of the bills and do all the cleaning going forwards if they haven't bothered to do any so far - it's time for them to do their share; you have done yours

Good luck and enjoy the freedom!

oh and make sure when you move out that you take all your things and a fair share of things that you have jointly bought - preferably the ones that will cause them the most inconvenience!

He doesn't love you. They are both using you. That's not love.

Well done you for taking back control of your own life. Hold firm. You deserve so much better.

I am shocked at what I've just read. Where do these people come from?!

It's great that you're moving out & good luck in your new home.

Fucking good for you OP! Save this thread and re-read it whenever you feel weakness for him. He used you. I bet you ended up paying more into the house than he did

You’re so right, I definitely won’t let this happen again. I think I try and see the funny side because otherwise I’d just feel awful. Really I do feel awful about myself for letting this carry on for so long, I feel like an idiot who’s let myself be taken advantage of.

He does, he earns quite a bit more than me. Which is why I thought it fair for him to pay the rent while I paid the bills and food. We live in a commuter area and rents are really expensive. However I realise that really wasn’t fair, as he has loss left over every month and I have nothing. Id prefer to be on my own as at least I’d be paying for myself only.

What a total waste of space both of them sound. The fact that they are in their 40s and you are much younger makes it 10x worse.

Stand firm, start your new life in your new flat with no losers allowed over the threshold. I’m astonished that you lasted 5 years with these man children. It’s almost like you were their mummy.

lol I’m just imagining those two sad sacks after you leave — mountains of laundry, filthy kitchen & loo, mess everywhere and them blaming you for the lot of it.
Well done, @Elise89and I hope this brings you the peace of mind and happiness you so richly deserve.