To break up over this? BIL hasn’t left after 5 years!!

[Elise89]

I’ve told DP that I am moving out and he thinks I am being unreasonable and is trying to change my mind. I won’t, but thought I’d ask for other peoples opinions.

I moved in with DP in summer 2019 after a year and half dating. Near Christmas 2019, he asked if his brother could come and stay with us for the holidays for a few weeks (brother lives abroad). I was really excited to meet him and was more than happy for him to spend the holidays with us.

The issue is, he never left! Obviously due to Covid he couldn’t get a flight for quite a while so I was sympathetic to begin with, but it’s coming up to 5 years now and it’s driving me crazy! I basically feel used by both of them, and I’ve tried speaking to my partner so many times, but nothing changes. He doesn’t contribute financially or help round the house. He’s literally sat on my sofa watching TV for 5 years! He did get a part time job after a year or so, and I’ve asked him to give me some money for food shopping and bills, but nothing. He’s able to afford pretty much whatever he wants while I can’t afford new glasses, new clothes etc as all my wages go on bills, travel to work, and food (partner pays the rent as he earns more and our area is expensive to rent).

I’ve had enough and have borrowed money from my parents to put down a deposit on my own little flat, so I’m moving out next week. However I’m getting constantly guilt tripped by DP saying that things will change, he loves me blah blah. Anyway, my mind is made up and I’m fed up of being taken the piss out of!

Hang on, covid didn’t hit until March 2020 - his “christmas” visit was already 3 months long? Did that not ring some warning bells?

if his residency address is elsewhere, he would have been allowed to travel back home at the start of covid, we had friends visiting from abroad and they had to return home!
Also how has he been allowed to stay in this country for so long now the UK are no longer part of Europe?

Valid points

Good for you.

I echo that!

I don't get it, where does the brother get his money?from

Well done @Elise89 I think you need to say what you said to us, to your ex “oh yes, about me supposedly not thanking your brother - neither he nor you have thanked me for being your unpaid skivvy for 5 years” what a pair of absolute cretins. I would get out as soon as you can - wouldn’t leave them in the house alone for too long until you actually go. Oh yeah, and I’m usually Mrs Super Considerate of people doing nights and so on, but right now you need to get a couple of dustbin lids and bang them together under where they are sleeping and stomp round going “rah rah rah” making a racket 🙄😬😬

I know my ex has been in the uk since he went to uni here, so over 20 years. I don’t suppose he had any bother getting settled status. I’m unsure about his brother though. He does work or a week know company in a warehouse so I assume he sorted it otherwise they wouldn’t employ him. Although not my problem any more is it, they’re old enough to look after themselves

is your current place a joint tenancy ? If it is you could’ve liable for any costs after you move out unless you’ve got your name removed.
Take dated photos of all the meter readings.

Good luck with your move.

You will feel so relieved when you're finally in your new place and far away from them!

I don't see it as a loss but a win - you've been tip toeing around these men for 5 years, be free and prioritise you and your finances going forward 🥂

Yes it is, it ends next summer. Do you think I need to try and get my name taken off before I go? I’ll take photos of the meters and get the name changed on the bills. Sorry if I sound dense, I’ve not actually lived with someone else before so feel a bit clueless. I’m still moving out next week but don’t want to end up lumped with more to pay

It makes me laugh when people blame covid for situations like this. We knew a couple who bemoaned they couldn’t get married because of Covid.

They have had four YEARS to sort something out, as has your BIL! He’s a user and pathetic, don’t blame you at all, enjoy your new home.

If it is a joint tenancy only one party needs to give notice. I’d let the landlord know there has been a relationship breakdown and to ask for you to be removed otherwise you could be jointly liable for the rent.

Thank you very much for this, I’ll call them first thing on Monday

This, ensure you’ve told the landlord.

Take every bit of food/drink/furniture/crockery you’ve ever bought, even if you subsequently get rid. 5 years is appalling! Your dp is an idiot.

Hi OP, I'm sure you realise this so forgive me if I'm teaching you to suck eggs, but you need to change any bills for your current property in to your STBEx's sole name and have your name removed from any joint bills (as well as cancelling your DDs for all the bills) as simply cancelling your DDs doesn't end your liability to pay the bills that are in your name.
I have no idea how you've put up with this situation for so long and I hope you love your new home. 😃

Follow up with an email so you have it writing as well. If no email, send a letter by registered post and keep a copy.

Hi @Elise89 well done for taking the Decision to leave. You’ll have to take your name off the tenancy to fool proof yourself from anything they do to the house.

Ignore all that blah blah bleating from your P.

Leave and don't look back. He has chosen his brother over you.

When you have all your belongings and you've separated your bank accounts, block your exP. He will try to wheedle you back by various means.

You are right.

Block and move on.

I think people are assuming you have a periodic or rolling tenancy, but you say the joint tenancy "ends next summer" so do you mean you're on a fixed-term agreement (for example, 12 months)? If so, you must normally get the agreement of your landlord and the other tenant(s) to give notice to end the tenancy. If you end your tenancy it ends for everyone.
If your fixed term joint tenancy has a break clause you have to get all the tenants to agree to use the break clause to end the tenancy, unless your tenancy agreement says otherwise.
If the fixed term has ended or you never had a fixed term, you can give notice to end your tenancy without the agreement of the other tenants - unless your tenancy agreement says otherwise. Again, it's important to be aware that if you end your tenancy it ends for everyone.
To end your tenancy you'll need to give notice in the right way - this depends on what type of tenancy you have - here's some more information on this:
https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/housing/ending-a-private-tenancy/ending-your-tenancy/
Please make sure you do everything correctly, according to your circumstances, or it could cost you dearly.

Ring up and change all utility bills to your new address, ring each and everyone in c/t don’t bother putting them in your ex’s name, let him sort it out. Redirect all your mail asap and let everyone know not to give out your new address

@Elise89 you must sort out the tenancy. If your name is on jointly or on your own you can still be liable for the whole lot. There may not be a break clause either so you need to find out or you will almost certainly have to pay to the contracted end of the tenancy. You must get agreement or negotiate with the landlord. Likewise the utilitu bills.

Yes it’s a fixed term tenancy. I did ask my ex whether he would let me stay and he and his brother leave, but he said no. That’s why I decided to leave. Am I going to get in shit for moving out?

If you don't have the landlord's and your STBEx's agreement to you ending the tenancy, quite possibly.

Please read the information at the link I sent you - it tells you all you need to know and is very important.