To break up over this? BIL hasn’t left after 5 years!!

[Elise89]

I’ve told DP that I am moving out and he thinks I am being unreasonable and is trying to change my mind. I won’t, but thought I’d ask for other peoples opinions.

I moved in with DP in summer 2019 after a year and half dating. Near Christmas 2019, he asked if his brother could come and stay with us for the holidays for a few weeks (brother lives abroad). I was really excited to meet him and was more than happy for him to spend the holidays with us.

The issue is, he never left! Obviously due to Covid he couldn’t get a flight for quite a while so I was sympathetic to begin with, but it’s coming up to 5 years now and it’s driving me crazy! I basically feel used by both of them, and I’ve tried speaking to my partner so many times, but nothing changes. He doesn’t contribute financially or help round the house. He’s literally sat on my sofa watching TV for 5 years! He did get a part time job after a year or so, and I’ve asked him to give me some money for food shopping and bills, but nothing. He’s able to afford pretty much whatever he wants while I can’t afford new glasses, new clothes etc as all my wages go on bills, travel to work, and food (partner pays the rent as he earns more and our area is expensive to rent).

I’ve had enough and have borrowed money from my parents to put down a deposit on my own little flat, so I’m moving out next week. However I’m getting constantly guilt tripped by DP saying that things will change, he loves me blah blah. Anyway, my mind is made up and I’m fed up of being taken the piss out of!

get out now

you know you have made the right decision so follow it through
don't waver
if you have the deposit for a flat you are fortunate so make the most of your good luck in this respect

Neither here nor there, just wanted to say you are a lovely person. Just lovely, Having read some questions on MN recently, about begrudging parents-in-law, own parents, stepchildren, husbands, etc., you stand out as a lovely person to have put up with it for so long and even ask if you were in the right to put an end to such piss-taking behaviour.

🎄 Have a wonderful time around Christmas 🎄 in your new flat.🍾

Good idea of yours to postpone your holiday dates. Maybe recheck your name is off all the official rent papers, utilities, council rates, tv license etc.and get them all to confirm.

Sometimes i think people vote yabu because they are thinking ‘to have put up with this at all’ in their heads.

You will need to have your name taken off the bill / tenancy so you don't have an ongoing obligation to pay. Let the real-estate agency know you are leaving.

Covid didn’t become an issue for flights till like mid March 2020? That’s a bloody long Christmas stay. Get rid, move on, enjoy your life gorgeous!

You've had a lucky escape it sounds like,
Good luck on your new chapter

He is a disgrace for a man, you're doing the right thing.

YANBU. Move out and enjoy your new home.

She will be paying for 1/3 of food, far less power, 1/3 of washing etc She will be doing and paying far less.

Loan payments will be paying down a loan (not sure why you are meeting rent - she wouldn't be paying rent)

And she'll actually be able to make noise during the day which is priceless bliss

Excellent call getting out of there!
What a freeloader. Enjoy your new home.

This is such a heartwarming thread to read, well done you! 👏

Everyone does stupid things in their twenties. You did so well to learn from them and move on. You could have married him. Remember if you ever look back and think “why did I make that ridiculous decision? I was so dumb,” it just shows how far you have come and how much you have grown as a person. Have a lovely Christmas in your new flat.

I'm so happy for you OP!

It kinda is and isn’t about money. It’s more that fact that my ex let me struggle and didn’t care, when there was a third adult in the house that could’ve been paying his fair share. He let me go without when it wasn’t necessary, which for me meant he didn’t really care about me. I’m not stingey and I never mind helping someone out but I don’t like being taken the piss out of! I’d rather pay for myself and only have to answer to me. Edit: sorry I quoted the wrong person!

I have been taking advantage of, and if you need to recover as their both behaviour is hidden abuse I recommend Teal Swan Spotify podcasts.

You've done brilliantly, Elise, well done.

You are young, you'll move on but for now, hug yourself in your new little flat, it's a great feeling being free after all you've been through.

The new year promises to be a good one for you.

WOW - his audacity

I couldn’t have lasted 5 years like this

YANBU

Ah OP the sweet smell of liberty!!
Well done! Enjoy being your own boss again.

Merry Christmas OP! I do wonder what will happen to your ex and his brother in the new year, but not your problem now!

Definitely, you are not being unreasonable. This is the problem when you move into someone's home, they see it as their home. It is obviously not truly your home, as that BIL is still there. Getting your security will put you in the driving seat of your environment. 5 years is way too long. The brother is taking the Michael. Another way you could have got him out, is just go on sex strike. Say, I won't have sex until he is gone. Men are highly motivated by the kitty cat HAHAHAHAHAHA

It makes me snigger thinking of the ex having to front all the shopping and bills or FINALLY ask his brother to contribute.

Two men in their forties, expecting a woman in her twenties to run around after them, cooking and cleaning and working to keep them, is absolutely vomit inducing to me.
And for the last five years! So you would have been early to mid twenties when this started.

I have a niece in her mid twenties and I can’t imagine what I’d do if a couple of forty year olds were doing this to her.

I’m so happy to see you’ve moved out, you have your privacy, you have your independence, your freedom. You don’t have to wait on other people, or pick up their dirty laundry. Your money is going on you. I hope you continue to feel relaxed and happy in your new space and glad you’ve dumped the pair of these wasters.

So what's happened about the tenancy @Elise89 ? Was the landlord and your ex happy to release you from it?

Merry Christmas OP! It's a wonderful feeling isn't it. There may be ups and downs but if you ever feel lonely or stressed, just remember the relief you felt and the stress you no longer have to deal with.

We're proud of you, here's to a wonderful 2025 for you 🍸

Don't feel bad...you've done only good things for 5 years!! ( it's them 2 users who should feel bad) It's no laughing matter really the way you've been treated but I understand (your LOL) Lesson learned please don't ever let this happen again you deserve so much better... that being said you might think about staying single for a while and treating yourself to a nicer life spending your hard earned money on you and your new home...Enjoy creating your new home & life you deserve it & never look back
Best wishes🌠🌠💕